I had such a good night tonight. Brian went out with Colin for drinks and I wanted to get to bed early so I stayed home. I was just playing around on the guitar and it suddenly hit me, how good it feels to be alone. We often take that quiet time for granted. I mean, sometimes even when I’m meditating, I’m conscious of…”this is me…meditating.” As if I’m assuming there might be someone else watching me. But when you have a really private moment, just yourself and you and god, it’s reminiscent of being a kid again, when the adults didn’t bug you and you were left alone to just sit and BE a part of the universe, just your consciousness as the energy that radiates OUT into an edgeless expanse.

I’ve been so focused in life about everything I need to do, everything other people need me to do, everything other people want me to be, and everything I am because I’m afraid to be otherwise…I haven’t had time to think about the things that I would like to do, and should do.

I’d really like to go out into the woods somewhere, during rain season when there’s always that crisp, fresh smell in the air that just fills you with energy and life… and camp where there’s no one around, with my guitar and my journal. My favorite memories as a kid were of that week at science camp in the 5th grade, just being out in the woods. And that smell…that damp fall smell of the fresh rain breathing life into a sleeping forest…it damn near brings me to tears. It was everything outside of the box that growing up in the city had forced me into; I never really thought of the world as anything more than a jungle of paved roads and man-made parks. But here…it could go on forever. To be so close to nature just gave me so much comfort. Every sound…every smell…the droplets of dew dripping off of redwood wings onto their fallen brothers as the air symphonically hummed…the way you could feel every twig, sliver of grass, layer of soil shift under the soles of your shoes as you walked, and sometimes, you honestly couldn’t tell where you ended and the earth began. You could feel the comfort of the womb from which all people come from, wrapping you in its gentle arms, its pulse beating to the rhythm of your own heart, and just know that you are loved.

God, what I would do to experience that again.

Children are so beautiful. To have glimpses back into what it was like to see the world as a child is one of the greatest gifts God toss out every once in a while.

I just ran into The Bass Player today for the second time in 3 days. It’s been, what, 2 months since we first met? Everytime I see him, I marvel at how hot he is and how amazing his body is. There’s really no arguing that this guy is beautiful. And I love his music. But I can just tell I’m not really into him. Anyway, we chatted but I had to get back to work and as I was walking away, I said to myself, I’m not really interested in him. Maybe to fuck, but that’s about it. And it royally DISTURBED me that I said that to myself. It disturbed me that I would think in those terms, and that I would be so nonplussed by someone in his entirety, that the only thing I might possibly want from him would be sex and that’s really scraping the bottom of the barrel. You would think that sex would be valued higher. I don’t know what’s going on with me these days. I’m being irresponsible with my thinking and my emotions, and every time I do this, I get myself into situations that I end up regretting. What the hell is my problem? Why is it so hard for me to respect someone after sex? Why is it, that when I really respect someone, then I don’t want to taint him or our relationship by sleeping with him? I never give the ones that I really want to be with a chance. Because something really scares me, but I don’t know what it is yet.

Last winter I got really depressed and told everyone that I didn’t know why, but I did. It was totally because of what happened in Vegas. I’ve never had a one night stand but I used to go out of town to hook up because I believe in not pissing in your own pool so I won’t hook up with anyone that I have to risk running into later on. Because maybe that physical stuff means something to me and maybe it doesn’t, but I’m too scared to find out because both possibilities are terrifying to me. So I wasn’t in the best mindset at the time anyway, but I went to Vegas because some of my relatives were there for a show; I pretty much expected that I would hook up. I met a guy who lived there and got a date with him easily. It was all a fucking game. A real easy pick-up. It helped that we both had the same birthday and we got a kick out of that. We went out and spent a lot of time talking and it was really good. Really comfortable . He turned out to be a really nice guy who had a lot of things to say. And made me a mix tape. :) I don’t think either of us was expecting to really like the other person because I have a feeling we were both just looking for something casual. He was hurting from a break-up, and I was hurting from something else. It could have gone either way…if we hadn’t hooked up, we would have probably kept in touch and had a chance at friendship, but we did. I think I was trying to meet someone I wouldn’t have to care about and reaffirm that sex means nothing to me. Or more accurately, to break myself to the point of believing that. To do this, I really couldn’t care about him as a person. But I did and I respected him, so I didn’t sleep with him because I knew that I would have been taking advantage of him to play out something really wrong inside of me, even if he was doing the same. And after I came home, the whole situation really psychologically bombed me.

I really didn’t want to know anything about this guy for fear of finding out that he’s a real person, a decent person, and having to feel responsible towards that. Because it’s counter-intuitive–I care about people and want to know about them, but sometimes it makes me angry that I do because no one gives a fuck about me. But I was trying to do something that would hurt the part of me that cares too much and always gets hurt. Using the most vulnerable type of situation to hurt it. That’s so fucked up, I can’t even tell you. And I’m worried that it’s about to start up again and so I’ve been forcing myself to stay in town and deal with these demons. It’s a scary journey, to go inside and find out WHY. But if it weren’t for the fact that life has been feeling ominous lately and I’m worried that I may be running out of time and I don’t even know what that means or what may be around the corner, I know I’ve gotta be strong and do this.

My mom said something very insightful once when I was in a relationship that I didn’t really want to be in, which is something I love to do to myself. She said, “You can love someone and not even like him.” It made a lot of sense to me. That intense, passionate connection that makes no sense with someone I can barely stand, someone who makes me unhappy and stressed when I’m with him. That connection is probably so intense because I’m playing out something within myself that’s the equivalent of drowning myself in a bathtub. Sometimes I think it’s easier to date someone that I already have a problem with (ie there’s something about him that makes me already have a good idea that he won’t be sticking around) so that I already have an excuse to break up with him. And then I go through the relationship holding that close to my chest, that Ace card that will tear the whole house down, by my hand, because I willed it. Because what really matters is that I’m in control, right? You know exactly what I’m talking about because you’ve been there. And you would rather go through this and let it tear a hole in you and everyone else who tries to get close to you than ask for help and do the courageous thing.

One day I’ll grow up and be brave enough to venture into a relationship with someone that I really want to be with. And when I open up, it won’t be a game anymore but the real thing, with real risks but real rewards, and I won’t be afraid of each one as much as the other. So far, it always feels like a game. Like I’m not really letting go of the side of the pool. Never really giving up control. Will giving up control really kill me? Probably not, but a part of me thinks it will and I am BEGGING someone to help me reason with that part of me.

Intuition – The Rules

Some people have asked me about why people who are intuitive can see some things but not others. So I’m going to jot down some random things about what I’ve learned about intuition from my own experiences and from what I’ve gathered from those who are working psychics. You know I don’t like to call intuition “psychic ability” because of the stigmas, but I’ll refer to it as that just to make things easier.

1. Psychic ability is just another sense. It’s an ability to perceive. The interpretation is up to the person perceiving. For example, 2 people can watch a car accident. Each sees the exact same event, but one person may have seen one driver on his cell phone and interpreted the accident as being that person’s fault, and the other one may have missed certain details and interpreted the accident differently. Almost everyone has intuition, with the potential for it to become what is refered to as psychic ability. It’s just a matter of tuning into that sense. The rest is interpretation.

2. Why can’t psychics fix their own lives? Because of blindsights. Imagine you have amazing vision and can see objects hundreds of feet away while others can only see things 20 feet away. Now imagine how clearly you can see those far objects because you’re focused on them. Now, imagine that an object pops up 5 feet away from you into your line of sight. You won’t be able to see it very clearly because you’re eyes are focused on something else. You can perceive it and try to figure out what it is based on guesses (it looks like a person, it looks like a car, etc.) but you won’t be able to see it very clearly. This is what happens when someone is really in tune to that sixth sense. You can see/feel/perceive things that are hidden, but have trouble interpreting cues that should be obvious within human interaction. Futhermore, the closer someone is to you, the harder it is to see them objectively. The size of the blindsight is directly proportional to how sharpened your intuitive abilities are or to how close the person is to you. Because the closer someone is to you relationship-wise, you will psychologically begin to project hopes and fears as well as take in realistic evaluations, which is the normal process of human interaction/relating. But if you have that extra sense turned on, it confuses the situation and it’s really hard to trust the information coming in, especially if the information is conflicting. For example, when it comes to relationships, I have to ask trusted third parties for “reality checks” because my radars go haywire the closer someone gets to me and it’s very easy to get blindsighted. Furthermore, psychics can’t see their own lives and their own problems. PEOPLE IN GENERAL have a hard time seeing their own problems because it requires a high level of objectivity. Imagine, you and I are sitting across from each other. You have something on your face and I can see it. I may have something on my face too, but I have no way of knowing unless you tell me, just as you wouldn’t know unless I told you. So psychics are just people who have extra facilities for perceiving, but yet, they are bound by the same laws of perspective.

3. The Future. Okay, I was never one who predicted the future. I’m an empath and don’t have enough objectivity to be a medium, so I don’t trust the things I see. But to explain the nature of the “future” I want to explain that the future is not set in stone. It’s about probability. If you are driving as fast as you can towards a wall, you are most likely going to crash into the wall. But there’s a chance you could brake at the last second or take a sudden turn right after the point when I perceived your situation and predicted that you would probably crash into the wall. The future is a lot about free will, but if you are moving in a certain direction, then there is probably a high probability for certain specific things to happen. They say that most very successful business people measure high when tested for psychic ability. This just means that are just able to subconsciously calculate complex equations regarding probability. So, from my experience, if people push me, I can tell them what I see happening, even though I don’t like to. But I also know that I’m calculating probability from a snapshot of the present–all the circumstances, factors and elements that lead to a likely conclusion. But things can change and the outcome can be different. If I read for you now and tell you about a problem, and you change something, and then I read for you 2 weeks later, I could see a different outcome. It’s not because I was wrong the first time. It’s because you introduced a new set of elements into the equation.

4. Accountability. This is about interpretation. Imagine that you have a problem with your girlfriend. You had a fight last night, you made up, but now she hasn’t returned your call today and you don’t know what’s up. You ask your best male friend for his opinion. He takes the series of facts (you had a fight, she doesn’t return your calls) and interprets that she’s mad at you. Now you ask a good female friend who happens to be a therapist, let’s say :) She says, well, it could be that your girlfriend feels bad about what happened and is taking time to think about things and come back with something that could improve the relationship. This would probably leave you to be willing to be more open-minded about your girlfriend’s intentions, rather than immediately jumping to being defensive and planning an exit strategy (not for breaking up per se, but to save your pride). Both situations could be possible, and both people analyzed the same set of facts that you presented. But what both people did was internalize the facts and come back with an interpretation that reflects how they see the world. This is the challenge for those who are genuinely intuitive and work in the psychic advising field. You can take two psychics who can both perceive the same situation, or person, but depending on how they see the world, will give you advice based on that. Therefore, an empath will probably focus on emotional/psychological factors, while someone who is clairvoyant (mostly factual, concrete things…a lot of male psychics are like this) will give you the basics without looking too deeply into things (ie…”she’s upset.” “She needs time.” “She’s busy right now.”) It’s the dichotomy of big picture vs. sum of all details. They don’t always equal the same thing when it comes to human interpretation. So a good psychic is not just one who can see, but one who can interpret the information in a way that is as accurate as possible to the objective truth, and convey it in that way. That’s what makes one psychic better than another (just as what makes one therapist better than another). Step one…perceive the situation, Step Two…interpret the situation, Step Three…communicate the situation as clearly as possible. The last step would be advising, but most intuitives should stay away from that if possible because sometimes it’s up to the person to put together this information and understand this part of their journey.

5. Permission. Just as with people who go under hypnosis, a hypnotist will NEVER be able to make that person do something to which they are morally or psychologically opposed. I can only speak from my own experience, but someone has to give me permission in order for me to be able to see inside of them. What I mean is that, they have to open that door. And it’s not necessarily a conscious process for them. I do not have the ability to intrude and see things that they absolutely do not want me to see. For example, I once knew someone who had some deep-seated issues from his childhood. From the first day I met him, his mouth said one thing, but he opened the door and reached out psychically so that I was aware of a subtext and was able to perceive things that were hid
den within him, even though his actions and words were actually going out of their way to contradict them. In essence, he gave me permission to look at what a part of him wanted me to see, and actually unconsciously opened the door and guided me there. It was like a cry for help. Even though the rest of him was quite resistant to any sort of acknowledgement of or assistance to that part of him that needed help and exposure, I wouldn’t have been able to even know that it was there if he hadn’t communicated to me on that level and shown it to me. I don’t walk around and probe people’s insides. In fact, there are a lot of people who keep their doors closed, and even those who have them open, I choose not to walk through and look. But when you look inside someone else, you are giving up quite a bit of control, and in some sense, there’s no way to turn it off once that connection has been established.

If people really want to know what intimacy truly is, it’s that connection. The opening of the door. Like I said, everyone is intuitive and has this ability to perceive. People who hone that ability just have more ways of applying it.

6. Interpersonal connection. Everyone connects with some people better than others. This comes into play in a psychic’s ability to see into you. It’s parallel to the relationship between a therapist and a client. A therapist can be an AMAZING therapist, and the client can be extremely willing to dive into his scary places, but if they can’t communicate on the same frequencies or can’t create a comfortable enough space for intimacy to happen, then it won’t work out. Whether or not an intuitive can see into someone is not necessarily related to his/her perceptive abilities. It could be the connection, and the willingness of each person to open that door that allows for the connection, as well as ability to communicate what is said. I don’t get as much information from some people as I do from others, even if the door is open.

7. The Metaphysical. We are only messengers (and part-time at that!)There are things that you aren’t meant to know. I’ve noticed that when I’m connected, whether that is while reading for someone or with someone who comes into my life, I will have a burning message to tell them because for some reason, they’re off their path and they have knowledge/a lesson that they need communicated to them. These things come in the strongest. Sometimes the information comes in very specific. Sometimes it’s very vague. When it’s vague, it’s because the person has to go on his own journey to figure something out, and the message is only the ignition. They’ll understand the message when they find it. I’ve noticed that there are times when information has to come in wrong in order for the person to do what’s right. For example, it’ll be something like telling someone that something is good for them, when in truth, they have to learn how to trust their own intuition and break away. Because for some reason, if I told them that this person is not good for them, it reaffirms their intuition which they don’t trust and they end up fighting it even harder and refusing to do what they need to do. To be honest, I can’t tell the difference. I just give them the message that I’m supposed to give them, and even if later on, I get more information and I see that it was the opposite of something, it usually all makes sense in the long run and is actually beneficial towards what that person needs to do to get on his life path. So, don’t measure messages by their accuracy. Measure them by whether they helped you find your way back towards your path and doing what’s best for yourself at the deepest level.

Okay, delayed retort to my mom’s rant on politics…

Yeah, the ten most powerful people in the world are political personality types, but Jesus is freakin’ the most celebrated person of human existence and all he did was walk around loving and healing people. AND. He came back to life. Let’s see Dubya do that! So who cares if I don’t want to participate in all these stupid, insecure, little-children-in-grown-overweight-bodies games of building the biggest corporation, country, house of meangless cards, WHATEVER to reach heaven. I want to be kind to people and if I want to sit on my fucking ass and be kind to people and play with children and give them love and comfort, then that’s what I’ll do and FUCK IT if I don’t know the intricacies of stupid politics that go on in meeting rooms that add up to NOTHING when we die and can’t take the high profits/ low overhead with us.

Going back to painting my nails.

Last thought for today and I’m off to bed:

My favorite stories as a kid were about King Arthur and the Knights of the Round Table. I mean, I obsessively loved them.

Now that I’m older and know that all creative output is a metaphor for something within the artist or the social group that embraces the tale (a cry for help, if you will), then if I love it, it means that I feel that it also reflects something within me, or it voices something I need voiced.

So I was thinking about the whole thing about King Arthur proving himself by being the only one who could pull the sword out of the stone. It doesn’t matter that this story is obviously warped from what really happened (be pissed at me, but to be honest, so is the Bible, though I’m not saying it doesn’t have quite a bit of value as a guide for people). It’s the symbolisms that have been embraced by people, and if it can make it through so many generations, it means that some universal themes can be found by taking it apart. TANGENT! What I’m saying is that there can be many interpretations of this aspect of the legend, but for me, one thing I thought about was the theme of needing a leader and then having the one destined to rule be able to unlock the magic.

So I just thought of it. The thing I want most in life, more than ANYTHING.

I want someone who can listen to me talk, read what I write, and see through all the webs I spin that are hiding who I am and can see me evading all attempts for anyone to see my core. I mean, what if there’s one person out there, who can read this blog and understand EXACTLY what I’m saying, understand exactly what I’m feeling, can cut through all the smoke and mirrors, bravado and neuroticisms, and be able to decipher, through the maps hidden within my writing, the path into my soul? Maybe this person is old, young, a man, a woman, someone from a different background, whatever. Could be a relative, friend, lover, mentor, protege, stranger. It’s not about sex, or even emotional love or any other dictate of a social construct. It’s about the naked connection. Of being known. Truly, completely known. If that person exists, I would do anything to meet that person some day.

And I think it would be amazing to look into someone and just SEE. Everything. The entire universe inside of him.

They say a gemini spends a lifetime looking for his/her soulmate. I think geminis would be a lot more at ease if they realize that the soulmate doesn’t have to come in the form of a lover. So you don’t have to leave that slot open and put so much pressure on the people who want to sit in that seat. Your soulmate can be an old homeless man who will teach you the biggest lessons you’ll ever learn. It can be your future son or daughter. Or maybe it will be your lover. But know that if you keep your eyes open and allow for that connection, you’ll find this person (actually, these people because everyone has numerous potential soulmates. But you only need one true connection with one to break open that door to your soul). In the meantime, don’t limit yourself by believing your soulmate will only come in the form of a lover. You’ll also deny people who would be quite supportive of and beneficial to you in your journey.