I’m sitting here in front of my computer as the rest of the house sleeps. Andrea is in the guest room, and it’s such a comforting feeling to have the house full. The whole weekend has been one long sleepover, with people coming and going and sitting and chilling. I forget that one of the joys of my life is introducing people I meet from one avenue of life to people I meet from another. I haven’t yet figured out how to describe the feeling yet. It’s a feeling of integration–like one aspect of you and who you become with certain people, this seperate world that’s created, is integrated with another world in which you exist. And it’s cool to see people I meet from different places mesh.
On Friday night, Cindy, whom I’ve only hung out with a few times, brought over some friends of hers whom she knew from college. It was funny because Cindy is friends with Andrea and they’re pretty boisterous. Meanwhile, the rest of us all know each other and are pretty outspoken with our open-mindedness when we’ve had a few drinks (read: lots of talk about lesbians and penises). So everyone’s talking, and no subject is taboo, and we’re all just having a good time, but I keep watching one of the girls whom Cindy brought. She was very awkward and nervous. I noticed that she was very alert and watching everyone. But whenever someone talked to her, she’d amiably respond, but she was stiff, like she was in a job interview. She would shift her hands nervously whenever she spoke and sometimes, they trembled. I wondered if people ever take the time to watch shy people, and if shy people realize that sometimes, someone will take an interest in them, curious about what their experience of life is. I suddenly felt protective of her so I invited her to sit down with us and talked to her, trying to be as warm as possible, making sure that if someone told an inside joke, I would explain the background to her so she’d understand. There’s nothing worse than when everyone but you knows the meaning of an inside joke.
In hindsight, I think when I watched her standing there, listening to us and smiling but afraid to sit down, it reminded me of times when I felt like an outsider. Sometimes it was because people were mean and were trying to make a point out of letting me know that I was an outsider. Sometimes it was because these lingering feelings made me feel awkward enough that I always felt like I was on the outside, even when this wasn’t true. But I saw her and had an overwhelming feeling of not wanting her to feel that way and felt compelled to do what I could to ensure that.
It’s interesting how a random, seemingly unconscious behavior can point towards invisible wounds.
Maybe it’s true that I watch people because it’s easier than engaging. Maybe my ideal life purpose would be to devote myself to benevolence towards others without them knowing or wanting to get closer to me. Maybe I get more satisfaction out of improving other people’s lives than I get out of improving my own. Maybe I don’t know how to let someone in and trust he won’t fuck it up. Maybe I just threw away the best thing to ever happen to me. Maybe I’m just scared of a boogie man in the closet.
I’m very shy. It’s because I’m very sensitive. I used to be so shy, that when I was a kid, my mom and I would have fights about ordering a pizza because she insisted I call it in to “learn how to deal with fear” and I would be crying and begging her not to make me because I dreaded having to talk to the pizza guy. I’m still an introvert at the core, but have learned to detach myself enough to be deceptively outgoing. The crazy things I’ve done, they always feel like things I do for adventure, that I can use for writing inspiration later. But the things that are closer to my heart, the things that matter to me…it’s still hard.
To completely change the subject–
Why do I meet so many guys who are so intense about marriage and commitment? I sure as hell never bring it up because, while I like the idea of someday getting married, I can’t deal with it as a reality yet. Yeah, I’m scared. I have to be eased into these things. I would prefer that relationships progress slowly without unnecessary labels, that we get to know each other as friends as well, where the moment is allowed to dictate itself, and for me to have space as well as be able to be attentive and respectful and sincere and loving with the person I’m with when we’re together, without everything having to add into the pressure of will we or won’t we get married. This kills things when the guy is freaking out about it one way or another. If it’s right, it’ll happen and things will click. On one hand, I figure if there are dealbreakers, then it’s not worth wasting your time on a relationship. But if things are going well, I’m just trying to enjoy the moment and get to better know someone who seems amazing, not think or worry about later on. I’ve never cheated on anyone and I don’t sleep around. I don’t let people into my life unless I respect them, and I kick them out quickly if I find out that they don’t respect me. So I’m not saying that I would rather fuck around than be in a relationship. But I just think starting out slowly is healthy, and guys with more confidence don’t either try to force a girl into ASAP iron-fisted commitment, or freak out and run away because of their own feelings. I just want someone nice and intuitive. NO DRAMA. I’m so damn sick of Little Boy Drama Kings.