The Things I Say, Translated
Words
Lurve – the act of being so in love as to not see the fact that the object of your blind infatuation is uglier than you realize, a complete jerk, or is actually using you to get to your money, best friend, sister, brother, passport, etc.
Dingobat – a fat, curved penis, like a crooked salami
Pisser – an unfortunate event
Fucktard – men who are idiotic beyond words
Dooode – I’m sorry, my mind wandered and I missed everything you said in the last half hour. But by the look on your face, I feel like you’re expecting me to be either mutually disgusted or supportively empathetic so I’ll make a non-committal sound that could be interpreted as one or the other, or even both.
Wow. – I’m sorry, my mind wandered and I missed everything you said in the last half hour. But I’m not even going to pretend that I was listening.
Guh – whatever
Phrases
Punkass Bitch – ex boyfriend
Dumb Ho – a young woman in a Civic or some other economically priced compact car who cuts me off in traffic
Tricky Bitch – an older woman in a luxury car who cuts me off in traffic because she was doing her makeup in the mirror
Fucking Cunt – an older woman talking on a cellphone driving a luxury car who cuts me off in traffic, but flips me off when I honk at her
Ho Bag – a sleazy girl who lures other people’s boyfriends away with the promise of anal
God’s Natural Goods – pot
Monkey Torture – psychologically mindfucking someone
Vagina Music – chick music (ie Sarah MacLachlan, et al)
Cock Rock – boy music (ie Bon Jovi, et al)
Lines
Yawannabuyamonkey? – Haha, great story, now go away.
Shut the fuck up – Whoa.
Thank you for calling CSSN – I don’t care if you’re a customer. I’m fucking playing minesweeper here.
Bitch please – Giiiiirl…
Giiiiirl… – Wow.
Wow. – I’m sorry. I wasn’t listening.
My weekend was mellow – I ended up at the sex club again.
How was yours? – Please don’t ask me what happened.
I have to go now. – I ended up on stage, chained to a pole butt naked as a guy wearing a kilt named Georgie Boy spanked me silly.
I’m not gay – I played softball.
No seriously, I’m not gay – I played softball.
Why are you looking at me that way? I’m not gay! – I’m terrified of lesbians
Not that I have anything against them – because they can kick my ass.
I have lots of friends who are lesbians – I knew one girl in high school, but she used to wholely kick my ass.
And it’s all cool with me, but I’m not gay – I played softball.
Wait a Minute… – And suddenly I realized, I think I may have gotten into another bad situation involving a dirty old man again.
So I was like, I’m outta here – But I still gave him my number.
I was totally grossed out – we made out in the backseat of his Cadillac.
I hope I never run into him again – I think I’m carrying his love child.
Why do these weird things always happen to me? – please…stage…INTERVENTION.