Echo

Oh, forgot to mention something disturbing, for those of you who are tracking the downward spiral of my mental health.

Each morning of the past 4-5 days, I’ve woken up confused and bothered, feverishly repeating the name over and over…Zydrunas Ilgauskas.

For those of you who don’t know who this is, let me show you why this obsessive randomness is so bizarre and disturbing.

http://sports.espn.go.com/nba/players/profile?statsId=3121

(Oh! He’s a fellow Gemini! I didn’t know that)

Thank God it’s just the name and not the man that’s stuck in my head.

Big 7 ft balding Eastern European guy…PLEASE get out of my head…

Weekend Recap

It’s kind of early for a weekend recap, as I have about 5 more waking hours within which I could easily get into all sorts of trouble that will end up not being covered because I chose to recap early. But seriously…I’m bored right now and have nothing to do.

So I’ve finished the 5th dvd of 24 (Season 1), with one more to go (I am so freakin’ irritated with the Kim character and storyline). Unfortunately, that last dvd is in some Netflix warehouse, because I’ve been lazy about sending back my dvds, so at earliest, I won’t get the last installment until Wednesday. I’m comtemplating just running out to the video store and getting it. I need to learn moderation. Here I am, spending extra money on a dvd I’ve technically already payed for that I’ll get in a few days, while sometimes, I can hold rented videos for months on end. In fact, I think I currently owe the video store over $40 in late fees, which is why I’ve been avoiding them.

Posted new pictures up on the He Looks Like Game. Quite proud of finding the most recent pic. Feel a bit diabolical. I hope he’s no one’s grandfather or dad or boyfriend.

I think Closer messed me up a little. I have that Damien Rice album that the title song is on, and I wanted to put it on today but was suddenly stricken with anxiety. I don’t want to think about the film anymore. I think the wonderful thing about it, is how well it pinned down the complexity and brutality of human relationships. But it shows us that no matter how much we analyze or confront, there really isn’t any answer. It’s like those questions of, “If you were on a sinking ship, and could only choose to save one family member, who would it be?” These kinds of questions can drive you crazy, as there is no answer that isn’t tragic.

It was raining out here and I loved it. I love the rain, which we don’t get enough of in Los Angeles. I went to the gym for a little bit and then wanted to grab lunch and read. I was craving a turkey spinach salad from Literati, but when I showed up, I saw the car of a former friend whose family and I are entangled in a messy lawsuit. I haven’t seen her or talked to her since all this went down so I decided that I’d hit up another place. I wanted to go to Toast, to hopefully catch a C-list celebrity incident that would make me “really uncomfortable,” but they were closed so I ended up at the Farmer’s Market. Had a smoked salmon/scrambled egg crepe. Still not a big fan of crepes. Went to Border’s to read. Realized I forgot to bring Bridget Jones so I read about the psychology of child psychopaths. Fell asleep. As I always do when in a seated position in a public place. Drove home. I love the sound of rain falling on the rooftop, the swishing of windshield wipers, and good ol’ oldies on the radio. “I’m so tired of being alone…”
Yeah…but look at it this way…at least you don’t have to constantly be aware of someone else and making sure they’re content. Everything is a compromise. When you’re alone, you’re lonely and wish you had companionship. When you’re in a relationship, you fight for your privacy and space. I’ve decided, Little Julia that is in this world wants companionship. Big Julia who is of this world and serves this world wants to be alone to do the things she’s supposed to be doing. And no, Little Julia is not a euphemism for my penis. His name is Phil.

Thought of the Day:

The only things you can ever be sure of in any given moment, are what you feel and what you want. And even those things are questionable.

Looks like my Michigan Wolverines will be playing Brian’s UT Longhorns at the Rose Bowl. Oh, the fallout that is soon to come within the confines of Club Manic…

I just love Clive Owen.

Just saw Closer, which I’ve been eagerly awaiting since I first saw the preview months ago. Personally, I loved it. I understand that the play was probably amazing and it was nearly a direct adaptation so it’s not necessarily amazing by cinematic standards, but the performances were outstanding and I loved the dialogue and the handling of its themes. One scene, in which Clive Owen’s character demands to know every detail of his wife’s (Julia Roberts) extra-marital sexual encounter, was so brutally honest and painful that I really felt traumatized. Like watching your parents beat the shit out of each other. The whole movie was brutally honest. It has to be one of the most depressing movies I’ve ever seen, but I loved it. I’m just a masochist that way.

The film makes you feel like relationships are pointless if we are looking to be fulfilled in every way, or are expecting permanence. Because at the end of the day, if you want to have a relationship with another human being, there is bound to be pain and disappointment, as all human beings are fallible and it’s just what you have to expect and accept. But we always expect more out of people–more love, more devotion, more honesty, more attention–than any human being can possibly give for as long as we want it (forever).

In the movie, Jude Law has an affair with Julia Roberts and the two leave their respective partners to be with each other. The two abandoned partners go through their own personal hell. But when Julia goes to get her husband to sign the divorce papers, he says he’ll only do it if she sleeps with him one last time, so that she can be his whore and he can get over her. So she does it, but tells Jude about it because they had always promised to be honest with each other. But of course, he can’t deal with this betrayal.

Here’s the funny thing that I understand. Yes, they are both guilty of cheating on their partners. But their reasoning was that they were both in unhappy relationships when they were truly in love with each other. So they both face that “honesty” and leave their partners for each other to start this partnership of love on a fated level. Nevermind that it was born in dishonesty and infidelity, their newly born love affair is now pure. But when Julia’s character sleeps with her husband in order for things to be better for them, this is a betrayal of this relationship, and that’s why Jude can’t forgive her. Yes, it’s both hypocritical and understandable. Life is so much more complex than black and white ethics. Emotions can not be rationalized and rationalization can not completely dissect emotions.

It’s amazing how distrust will undermine any relationship and every relationship. “I’m waiting for you to leave me.” This was a theme in the movie. One that everyone can probably relate to. How many times in your life have you found yourself looking for the moment when the other shoe drops and the relationship ends? If it’s not you, then it’s gonna be them. Because there’s only going to be one relationship that doesn’t end, and that’s the one that you just happen to be in when you die. So what do we do? I think we have to temper our expectations to make them more reasonable. But what about that need to rest? To be able to know that the person you love isn’t going anywhere? Why do human beings have to be so fallible? Or why do we have such a vulnerable need for security?

I hope I never fall for anyone again. I honestly do. Because while it’s amazing while it lasts, it’s terrible trying to recover from the disappointment and loss. Like getting off drugs. Euphoria followed by a devastating withdrawal process in order to get it out of your system so that you can return to feeling normal again. Relationships work best as a secondary system of support, not as a defining measure of who you are.