If I had no fear, I would go. I would go now. I would explain to work that I need to take a month off, no questions asked, and I don’t know if I’ll be back. Then I would go to wherever it is I should go. I’ve started plans for the first leg. In two weeks. Phoenix. Remember Seattle? It was the best weekend of my life. And you know why? Because I was free. Because no one knew where I was and I was free to be myself without anyone watching.
I would like to do that again. I have someone I trust who will anchor me. I know the rules–watch out for strangers, and be careful of anyone trying to follow you home. Appear to be with a crowd. Beware of who you make eye contact with and keep an eye out for who’s watching you. Play it safe, but take advantage of the opportunities, and most of all, listen to everything.
You do only live once as yourself.
I would love that. To travel this country at whim, and the only way to find me is here.
Agenda for the Year of Fearless Living
1. Dance more. Both publicly and privately.
2. Meet new people with great smiles and fascinating stories.
3. Kiss in the rain
4. Successfully drive to the basket (and finish) without having an ounce of fear in regards to my knees.
5. Train like a professional athlete.
6. Spend money like water
7. Tell people that I like to cuddle without immediately following up with the dismissal, “I know that sounds gay. “
8. Enjoy the company of others
9. Finish what I start
10. Does there have to be a ten? I feel like if there’s a ten, I would be compelled to stop at ten, to make this a nice even list of ten. But even if I had other things that I wanted to accomplish, I would push those to the back of my mind until they no longer existed, just so I could have a nice even list of ten to post. Which would make this a skimpy year of fearless living, and deep down, I would always feel like I cheated myself out of something important, and I would probably live out my life in extreme passive-aggressive resentment at myself. But thankfully, there isn’t a ten, so therefore, I can have as many action points as I want. So anyway…
11. Travel more. Particularly to places where I feel that people are warm.
12. Never be afraid of walking away from something or someone if I know it’s not what I want.
13. Learn to play the piano.
14. Don’t be shy about singing.
15. If you like someone, tell them. Because it’s not committal, it’s just a compliment.
16. Tell Baron Davis that he completes me.
17. Don’t be afraid of not answering the phone or being MIA. Those who matter know I always come back.
18. Have fun. Have fun being myself and being ecstatic about that, even if my current urge for expression is to go to Costco for an economy size tub of non-dairy creamer, and spend the entire weekend lighting it on fire.
19. Consider how the fact that you always switch between first person and second person narration could be too revealing of the fact that in your head, you have two personas who have a ball talking to each other, and sometimes like to complete each other’s sentences.
20. Fall in love with the sound of my own typing all over again.
21. Start my own business the right way without worrying about my capabilities. I can deal with the issues that crop up as they come. I just need to trust my resourcefulness.
22. Truly understand that I am not responsible for people just because they love me.
23. Meet someone who takes my breath away.
I had an amazing conversation today with a woman who is very deep and intuitive. I was very honest in discussing my life at this point and the things I was happy about and unhappy about, and she gave some very good insight that really jived with how I feel about my life at this point.
I have deemed this the year of living fearlessly. I want to be able to be truthful with myself about the things I want out of life, the people I want to surround myself with, the experiences I want to collect. I want to explore avenues just because they’re open, and because the open ones are the only ones I should be following at this point in my path.
You want to know what happened that day when my past and future collided into the present and ripped open a psychic portal, and for one small window of time, I was completely conscious? It was like taking a leap off a cliff that day with the expectation that I was solely responsible for figuring out how the hell I was gonna land. Then to my surprise, I found a good friend waiting at the bottom to catch me. And the rest? I wanted to spend time with the friend to show my appreciation, but he seemed really distracted and I felt like there were a lot of other things I wanted to explore and accomplish. So I left, because I didn’t want to sit around while my life passed me by. But it’s okay because even if I see that friend again later, I’ll still be happy to see him.
I am going to travel to somewhere where there’s rain. Warm rain. I don’t mind cold rain, but I think I’m in the mood for some warm rain and catharsis.
If people can tell that a person has a true understanding of love in its deepest sense, they always want to get close to it. If you feel you have that kind of capacity to love others in the deepest sense, you should never allow just anyone into that private space.