Echo

Sitting around the campfire, I tried to watch people and feel out who they are, what things are special about them. Kind of an exercise in appreciation, trying to notice something that I may not have noticed before. Max is an incredible story teller. He’s passionate about his ideas, and he’s riveting. He told us how he used to work for a VH1 pop-up show, and how his company told them it was okay to make stuff up. So they were doing a segment on how Peter Yarrow from Peter, Paul & Mary was arrested for basically coming on to a 14 year-old girl. He served time in prison, so Max threw in a “fact” that he was raped 17 times in prison. Somehow, this fact got through the people at his company, and got through VH1 even, before the whole segment was scrapped because Peter Yarrow didn’t want them to air that bit about his life. He did say that one of his made-up facts did air. They did a segment about James Brown running from the cops (his famous incident was a high-speed car chase that ended in his car upside down in the desert and him standing next to it, high on coke and alcohol, and saying, “Is there a problem, officer?”). Max slipped in a “fact” that James Brown has previously led the police on 5 other chases.

Max is lucky because he’s very cerebral and spends a lot of time inside his head, but Sareet takes really good care of him. She’s responsible and very nurturing so it’s sweet to see how she looks out for him and people in general. She reminds me of a benevolent den mom. She’ll make a good soccer mom one day. Not those catty ones that are crazy bitchy competitive, but the kind that always has antiseptic and band-aids, tells even the fat kid that he played really well and really means it, and brings orange slices instead of Ho Ho’s because it’s better for the kids. She saved my life this weekend with aloe gel.

Amol has a good heart and is really responsible. I think he’s privately dealing with feeling like a second-class citize
n in his household, because his parents expect that he’s a male so he should be able to take care of himself, while his sister gets spoiled. While intellectually, you can say, well, it’s because of the culture bias or they expect more out of him, but I think this slight still makes him angry deep down that his parents don’t give him an equal amount of support, or that in a way, it means they don’t love/protect him as much as another member of the family. He’s brought up this disparity a lot. I think a lot of men will rant about things, but they’ll cut off their emotional lives because delving too deeply would mean they have to confront things that make them feel sad, hurt, angry, inadequate, etc. and it can feel overwhelming.

There is something eating at Rebecca. Her eyes are somewhere else sometimes. I think it’s the uncertainty of her life right now, particularly in terms of career. Mentally, she has most things planned out and she trusts her courage and strength to land her on her feet. I feel like she’s resolute not to give the worry and fear any weight, but you can see it in there and it’s wrestling with her self-esteem, but she’s trying to tackle it head-on. I hope everything works out, and I’ll miss her when she moves back to Michigan.

Josh has a really gruff, abrasive exterior to mask that he’s a little soft inside, and that softness is a good thing. It’s like a glimpse of something tender. He’s more considerate than he’s willing to admit. I think his emotional meanness allows him to control how close people get to him. We had some good conversations this weekend, and he revealed that he’s afraid of zombies, sharks and change, with the last being the most dominant fear. And that in his dreams, he can breathe underwater as long as he covers his nose and mouth with a washcloth.

Kate and JR have an interesting, sweet relationship. JR is very intelligent, accomodating and helpful, but he’s very sensitive. Kate has the sensitivity to acknowledge when JR wants some reassurance and she gives it to him, and in turn, he does the little things to make her more comfortable and to take care of her. I don’t know the ins and outs or day to day details of their relationship, but I feel it’s a delicate emotional balance, but both of them are very sensitive and careful about navigating the inner worlds of the other.

We all left as the sun was setting, and on the way home, Rebecca and I talked about deep connections and if maybe sometimes deep connections don’t last because the energy is too volatile, so whoever you spend your “daytime” self with, the person that you have a more human partnership with and build the rest of your life with (kids, marriage, day-to-day living and rapport),etc. may not necessarily be someone that you have a deep connection with. Like you can have a great partnership with your life partner, but it won’t be the same level of those deep karmic connections because these inherently are too volatile and you can’t build a strong house on this volatile connection. We talked about secret lives and how people have a public face and a private face. I told her that I totally think I’m going to be one of those people who has a secret life, where I have a house or apartment somewhere that no one knows about, and just periods of time where only I know what I’m doing or where I am. For some reason, privacy/secrecy is really important to me, because I feel like without it, someone can control me, or “catch” me. I admitted to her that I think there’s only one person I’m ultimately looking for. That there may be many people who can fill this role for me out there, but at the end of the day, there is only one seat next to me, and whoever sits here will be the one I show my whole self to. I feel like many people have seen various parts of me, many people have seen enough of me to have a good idea of who I am, but there are parts of me that are very contradictory that no one has seen. Many have seen a lot, no one has seen all. And I have never given my heart away, because I don’t know how to put down my defenses. As Colin says, I don’t have a wall in front of me, I have a maze. And that maze has a way of leading people into dead-ends, so whoever someday finds me had better be smart and be able to see larger pictures. I think of it like Excalibur…I hope someday to meet someone with enough courage to be able to pull that sword out of the stone and open up my heart. And in turn, I will give that person unquestioning devotion. I really hope that person is a good person, but I feel like deep down, I’ll know.

When Rebecca dropped me off, I said to her, “Enjoy your shower.” As it came out of my mouth, I realized it was a strange thing to say to another woman, but for being as dirty and dusty as we all were, I felt like showering was going to be an amazing experience.