All this time I’m trying to figure out what I think. When I really don’t know how I feel.
Why do I do the things I do?
And the aftermath…
Why did I do it? Because I wanted to. Because there was nothing better on the table. Because it’s been a long time of waiting for things I don’t even know exist. Because Ive been good for a very long time. Because I don’t know what that means anymore. Because Im not really sure what anything really means anymore. Because this is life, and you make choices based on what you get, not what you hope for. Unless what you hope for is what you get. But that doesn’t happen all the time. Because in the end, I’m still human, and sometimes where you land is just where you land.
What I need is to be close to people. But when I get it, Im racked with anxiety and what I want is to be alone. My needs and wants work at cross purposes. All my focus on integrity, when it is my most basic lack of integrity that is the root of my unhappiness. I can’t seem to bring the me of my world into a shared world, and keep myself comfortably there and sustained on a consistent basis.
In your world, I feel diminished.