Echo

some things i’m just not allowed to tell people. because they have to come to the same place on their own.

i feel like sarah has a memory of me telling her the meaning behind paper lanterns. but i have forgotten. sometimes i speak from a different place.

i thought about it and i think it has to do with the moon. for those who were lonely growing up and felt drawn to the moon, there was a certain spiritual hug it provided. that somewhere out there, someone was listening. someone saw you. someone loved you. someone cared for you. and maybe you even spoke to it, if not outloud, then in your heart, and even though it could not speak back, you felt someone was there. perceiving.

and i think in life sometimes you think you’ve found it, that person who is the moon and was there for you, all those nights you felt scared, alone, desperate. you think they’re going to hold you the way you need, to envelope the world and make you feel so safe, forever.

and then you reach out, your spirit laughing/crying/dying at your knees and your arms spread so open and you say, remember me, and this moment to you is the absolute proof of magic in this world. and then they turn with their cold blank eyes, with no recognition.

that’s what i meant by paper lanterns. they are very confusing.

but i will admit, it’s hard to tell. because your childheart’s desperate search to hug the moon will never cease.

i turned to my favorite teammate as we were stretching.

is your birthday in february?

yes it is, she said.

i knew you were an aquarius, i said. you’re quirky AF.

she’s so weird and i want to love her but i also feel like she’s prickly. and seeing as i recently had an encounter with a cactus, i’m afraid to get too close to prickly things.

but she did let me help her with her hamstring. at least she knows my intentions are good.

yesterday hannah wrote me to thank me for feeding her flame. i was happy she remembered what i told her. i had no idea if she meant it when she said she would remember.

she had no idea i had a package for her already en route.

today she wrote me saying she opened the box and felt her heart when she saw the blue flame artwork.

see, hannah is a little hot-headed aries. but she can be as cold as ice. so i told her, blue is the hottest part of the flame. while the other parts of the fire rage out of control, blue stays focused, centered, like a laser. the blue flame is too hot to handle, too cold to hold. be the blue flame.

i spent months looking for a visual representation for her to meditate on. and when i saw this, i knew it was hannah. because, the butt. hannah’s butt is ridiculous.

you can not get distracted. if you want to understand the fabric of reality, you have to be able to catch the code.

sarah mentioned the patterns she’s seeing come in 3’s.

i just reread a post i had written a while ago about a triad of 3’s making a holy 9.

so i searched holy 9 and it brought me to a post about glitches in the matrix.

so…go search holy 9. enjoy having your mind blown (which is the best kind of blown, if you can believe it).

he kept saying 11:11

and every time he said it, i smiled because i always see 12:12

strange electricity happening. been a long time.

“that’s what the world is made of, that quantum stuff,” he said.

nearly echoing what I said two posts in a row–this world is energy.

yesterday experienced synchronicity. wish you were here led to wish you were here, led to an image of a man on fire which reminded me of watching a woman light herself on fire earlier that day. a synchronicity palindrome.

so i texted him, have you noticed synchronicities? like random things or references repeating?

he did not answer and i told myself to wait. the waves were not strong but they were there.

and this morning, sarah texts. asking me about paper lanterns.

when i was thinking about her all last week while searching my blog for something specific for him, and i was wondering why she had asked me about paper lanterns months ago. i almost called her too. and here she was.

paper lanterns?

you wouldn’t believe it, sarah. i’m looking at one right now and don’t know what to make of it.

she said she has been seeing number patterns. 111, 222, 333. she said that everything she’s read, Jung, angel numbers, jewish numbers, only seems to say these patterns mean to pay attention. exactly what i had told him.

so i was going to see him today, and made a mental note to talk to him about patterns. he was supposed to come over on tuesday but i had to leave early, and he had wanted to come over earlier but i had to make a quick run. as i was pulling out, he was driving in.

synchronicity, he finally replied. then i remember on tuesday when i had said no, we had also passed each other at the entrance of the complex in the exact same way.

as i was driving to my delivery, i thought about deja vu. about dreaming of the future. of meeting the people whom you have dreamed about, and recognizing them from before time. and then suddenly there is electricity, and the code begins to reveal itself in tiny little coincidences and randomness and it seems that you’re 2 beings speaking 2 languages to someone you believe exists in and above this world, as you do.

and then…

like the many times you have looked up and spoken to the moon, feeling a palpable sense of being seen and understood by something so enveloping and knowing, you are convinced you will receive proof of life…

there’s nothing.

just a flatline.

sarah, you’ve asked, what are paper lanterns? what are their meanings?

and perhaps you wonder, is it enough to uproot entire earth over.

i told you, to get the answers you seek, you must ask the right questions.