http://www.iqtest.dk/main.swf
shameless self-promotion…you can ignore this. I just found this press release for a festival I won at that I’ve never seen before and want a copy of. Other creative links for me.
Cojones on ifilm
(they deleted all our credits when they revamped the site, but my shitty little movie is still there. Stars the “I love you seven!” Girl from the Sorority Sprint commercial, the lovely Ms. Tina Kapousis.)
http://www.ifilm.com/filmdetail?ifilmid=114308
Commercials
www.davestroup.com
(under the Commercials section)
Match.com and Hallmark (wrote and directed)
NEW YORK INTERNATIONAL INDEPENDENT FILM AND VIDEO FESTIVAL
Press Release
The New York International Independent Film and Video Festival is the largest
festival of its kind in the world today. Founded in 1993 by Stuart Alson, this
festival has been recognized by the film and entertainment industry as one of
the leading film events on the independent festival circuit. This year the
festival went bicoastal with events in New York and Los Angeles! Our festival
delegates also have the opportunity to screen internationally at high-profile
film markets including MIFED and Cannes.
Festival Highlights We are looking forward to showcasing world premieres,
special screenings and over 100 features, shorts, documentaries and animation in
our New York festival. Highlights include AFTER THE STORM, Guy Ferland’s finely
observed story about the loss of innocence and the seductive power of greed
starring Benjamin Bratt and Armand Assante. BOROUGH OF KINGS directed by Elyse
Lewin, is a coming of age film with a mob back drop starring Olympia Dukakis and
Philip Bosco. MOMENT IN TIME directed by Robert Orlando is an intense and
beautifully shot psychological drama starring Neil Maffin and Annika Peterson.
CUBA/ISLAND OF MUSIC is a vibrant documentary by Gary Keys about the ordinary
people of Cuba who have delivered to the world one of the greatest musical
creations of modern times. The documentary profiles world renowned artists such
as Orquesta Aragon, Los Zafiros and Manolin. –
LA Winners in New York A selection of award winning films from our LA Festival
(September 21-28, 2000) will also be included in the New York showcase,
including: THE KILLING ZONE winner of the Grand Jury Prize for Best Feature, a
dark, stylized pulp thriller directed by David Diaz; BREATHING UNDER WATER
starring newcomer Alexandre Pinto who captured the award for Best Actor; Michael
DeCarlo’s WASHED UP starring daytime soap star Cameron Mathison; and ANITA
VELEZ: DANCING THROUGH LIFE written, produced and directed by daughter, Jane
Velez-Mitchell.
Shorts and animation include the perversely funny COJONES (LA Audience Award
winner) directed by Julia Sh*h; THE INVISIBLE SHELLEY, a surreal musical short
by Gary Miller who won the award for Best Directorial Debut; Nick Jameson’s
(former member of FOGHAT) filmmaking debut FORTUNE INN; THE MEAT DRAW by Jon
Shaikh starring James Fleet and Brian Hibbard is a the hilarious winner of Best
Foreign Short and SUPERFUNK & FREAKY DEE, the Grand Jury winner for Best
Animation by the talented David Cowles.
Madison Square Garden The festival begins on Friday, December 1, 2000 with our
Opening Night Exhibition and Gala Celebration at Madison Square Garden and runs
through December 11, 2000. The opening night event is an interactive “open air
market” featuring both film and art. The whole spectrum of the entertainment
industry will be in attendance including film distributors, production
companies, record labels, literary agencies, gallery owners, art dealers,
casting agencies along with international press and media. Festival participants
get an excellent opportunity to promote their work by occupying booths and
networking with key contacts in the industry.
Industry Contact Elisabeth Fraller (212) 228-4739.
Press Contact Abby O’Sullivan (212) 387-0651
Box Office and Information Contact Stuart Alson (212) 777-7100
www.nyfilmvideo.com
A Radio Public Service Announcement From the Republican Party:
[jingle]
i lost my leg and it won’t glue back
i lost my leg and it won’t glue back
i lost my leg and it won’t glue back
i ain’t got another cuz my mama smoked crack.
ANNOUNCER: If you’re pregnant and you’re poor, don’t smoke crack. Your child may need duplicate limbs in the event it catches a rare, etiologically-mysterious third-world disease because it was out on the streets every night, selling crack or sex or children for drug liquor and porn money and bleeding the government of funds meant for people in higher income brackets to use in times of below-average stock market performance or really old people whose forefathers fought in the civil war rather than people who can’t get a job because they probably have a criminal record or don’t even know how to read while sharing needles and condoms with the illegals and blacks and gays and probably even the brown-skinned turbans who build weapons of mass destruction in their garages and plan to uproot the institution of monogamy in favor of somewhat homosexual probably bestial debauched sex orgies within which they simultaneously pray to false gods with unlawful names during their carnal relations in front of young children. Because crack kills lepers.
The Republican Party. We understand real people with real problems.
Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez were Hollywood’s hot couple in October 2003. Now their relationship is as cold as their careers.
COMMENTARY
By Michael Ventre
MSNBC contributor
Updated: 11:31 a.m. ET Jan. 23, 2004
Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez are no more, and the harsh spotlight on them fades. Now Ben can relax and pursue a more sedate coupling with Paris Hilton, while Jen is free to become the next Mrs. Michael Jackson.
Although they are seemingly through with each other, Ben and Jen surely are not finished with celebrity romance. It’s in their DNA, like poor career choices and outlandish shopping sprees. Yet civilized society is in a much better place today, because Bennifer is officially Splitsville, and citizens can now line up at the supermarket checkout stand without getting nauseous from their grinning mugs.
I doubt that either is a malicious type, bent on torturing the populace. But that’s what they were doing. For the past year and a half, they performed a tactless tango before a captive audience, and although they were roundly booed, they couldn’t take a hint and get off the stage. Until now.
Their on-again, off-again shifts in status had magazines like People and Us shuttling staff around the country like military deployments.
Reportedly, it was Jen who ended the engagement. A statement from her publicist added: “At this difficult time, we ask that you respect her privacy.” What the statement fails to mention is, if the public respected her privacy, she wouldn’t have a career.
That is what was so annoying about their union in the first place. Ben Affleck has talent. Jennifer Lopez has talent. But their greatest gifts came in self-promotion. They became famous far beyond their accomplishments, and especially as lovebirds. True, Affleck did share a Best Original Screenplay Oscar along with pal Matt Damon, but the rest of his resume’ is spotty at best. As for Jen, aside from a sparkling turn as a law enforcement agent in “Out of Sight,” which was far more the result of director Steven Soderbergh’s expertise than hers, she has been notable largely for cartoonish displays of diva-like arrogance.
So together, they represented the most repellant aspects of show business. Their on-again, off-again shifts in status had magazines like People and Us shuttling staff around the country like military deployments. They did so many television interviews and talked about their romance so freely, it was as if their relationship was a spinoff of “Project Greenlight.” I can only hope there isn’t a bad movie on the way.
Oh, I forgot. We already have been subjected to the bad movie. “Gigli” was a romantic comedy that was not romantic, comedic or profitable. That was released in August. It bombed both critically and commercially. It also represented the apex of the Ben-Jen phenomenon. Before it, there might have been pockets of resistance in certain parts of the U.S., trusting, cockeyed optimists who still wanted to invest in Ben-Jen’s future together. But when “Gigli” came out, even those holdouts turned, reacting like Enron stockholders who were left with nothing but empty promises.
This breakup puts to rest any talk of weddings. It seemed that whenever there was a ominous development in their situation, a rumor would quickly surface in rebuttal, claiming that a secret wedding was scheduled in some posh locale. These reports could have been planted by their flaks to feed the monstrous blob of publicity they created and allow it to devour everything in its path. Or they could have originated from others who could benefit, like tabloid journalists, paparazzi and resort owners. Regardless, it was yet another reason to reach for the clicker to switch channels, and for the Pepto-Bismol.
Ben and Jen probably got into this to have a little fun together, but primarily to keep their careers in high gear. Instead, it has turned each into a melancholy joke, and it will take some doing to reverse the damage.
Ben’s last movie, John Woo’s “Paycheck,” did not do well, and because of his status as Jen’s elbow ornament for the last 18 months, he is now looked upon as a marginal thespian more desirous of fame and money than respect. He is 31 years old, which means he should have known better than to declare — even as recently as a week ago — that their love for each other was strong and that they would eventually tie the knot. Maybe it comes from being a Boston Red Sox fan all his life, but sometimes you just have to face reality and accept the fact that it isn’t going to happen.
Jen has even less of a career ahead of her. True, there are still teenyboppers out there who are seduced by her meager attempts at pop music and will mindlessly shell out bucks for her next CD, but let’s be frank. This woman is an “American Idol” judge in training. Her acting career is kaput, despite her appearance in Kevin Smith’s upcoming “Jersey Girl” — opposite Ben again, albeit this time in a mercifully brief role. Her only real hope is to latch onto another superfamous boyfriend. From what I hear, P. Diddy is still single, and I don’t think Jen will need a handful of staff meetings with her people to connect the dots on that one.
What both should do is find seclusion for a while before taking on the next phases of their respective lives. They need to isolate themselves from their adoring public and put the painful memories of their shattered bond behind them. As they both can probably attest, however, such privacy is enormously difficult to achieve, especially when you have so many publicists on the payroll.
Stevie
Directed by Steve James
Produced by Steve James
Distributed by Lions Gate Films
Wednesday, February 18, at 7:30 p.m., James Bridges Theater, Los Angeles, free admission
The filmmaker originally met Stevie, an abused and neglected child, when he was in the Big Brother program; he irretrievably steps back into a difficult family situation when he re-connects with this troubled boy ten years later. Although Stevie’s problems have magnified all too predictably in the ensuing years, it is not easy to make clean, easy judgments, as this film shows us.
Digital, 140 min.
Have any of you seen Whale Rider? I watched it on the plane to Japan. I love the little girl in it. She’s beautiful and her performance was amazing.
Other random movie thoughts…I hope Lost In Translation wins best picture. It’s definitely my favorite movie of the year. After Cabin Fever, of course. I want to go see Monster sometime in the next few days, since it’s playing right up the street. There was a point in my young life when I knew the profiles of just about every serial killer in the US because I was interested in forensic psychology. Strangely enough I barely remember anything anymore. Where does knowledge like that go? [wooohahaha…]
Dude, I was reading something and found the following.
You look upon sex as an almost religious opportunity for self-dissolution and union with the universal whole. For you sex contains the seeds of enlightenment through immolation of the ego in the fires of physical passion.
It’s about something else but I realized that it’s somewhat of a description of tantric sex (though way too intellectualized, inadequate and confining). I’m always trying to describe this experience to people but can’t seem to find the words. Tantric sex is actually an energy experience, not about the crazy positions. You won’t know it until you have it and then you’ll know what I’m talking about…Something happens. It’s like you’ve disappeared and are part of the universe, yet you and your partner ARE the universe. It’s one of the most amazing experiences ever. But both people have to be absolutely “connected” for that door to open (completely emotionally, psychically naked…there’s more but I don’t know how to formulate it into words..this is an experience I have yet to find adequate words for). It’s not just emotional intimacy. It goes beyond that. You experience the connection and the beauty not only as yourself, but as your partner and as everything that exists. Suddenly, there are no boundaries ANYWHERE. You are everything and everything is you. You’re not even bound by your body anymore. It’s the ultimate in sexual experience but it’s almost a spiritual awakening through a sexual connection. And once you’ve had it, something in you opens up and you change.
That experience changed the way I looked at life. And I know that people who have also experienced it regard it as almost a religious experience that changes them as well. It doesn’t mean that other forms of physical intimacy aren’t as good…being physical with someone comes in different flavors (tones, situations, emotional approaches, acts, whatever) and to be able to experience different ones at different times is what makes the physical side of life fun and worth having. And don’t think of this experience as something that will keep you together with another person forever, for better or for worse. It’s just an experience. But if you can find someone with whom you have a soul connection, and manage to each put down all of your walls and take the leap of true intimacy and connectedness for just a small window of time, you will have the chance to experience something that goes beyond words and the confines of this world.
don’t worry…this isn’t from my anthology…
A letter written by a heartbroken man to his
estranged partner
Dear Audrey:
I know the counselor said we shouldn’t contact each other during our “cooling off” period, but I couldn’t wait anymore. The day you left, I swore I’d never talk to you again. But that was just the wounded little boy in me talking. Still, I never wanted to be the first one to make contact. In my fantasies, it was always you who would come crawling back to me. I guess my pride needed that. But now I see that my pride’s cost me a lot of things. I’m tired of pretending I don’t miss you. I don’t care about looking bad anymore. I don’t care who makes the first move as long as one of us does.
Maybe it’s time we let our hearts speak as loudly as our hurt. And this is what my heart says… “There’s no one like you, Audrey.” I look for you in the eyes and breasts of every woman I see, but they’re not you.
They’re not even close.
Two weeks ago, I met this girl at Flamingoes and brought her home with me. I don’t say this to hurt you, but just to illustrate the depth of my desperation. She was young, maybe 19, with one of those perfect bodies that only youth and maybe a childhood spent ice-skating can give you. I mean, just a perfect body. Jugs you wouldn’t believe and an ass like a tortoise shell. Every man’s dream, right? But as I sat on the couch being blown by this stunner, I thought, look at the stuff we’ve made important in our lives. It’s all so superficial. What does a perfect body mean? Does it make her better in bed? Well, in this case, yes. But you see what I’m getting at.
Does it make her a better person? Does she have a better heart than my moderately attractive Audrey? I doubt it. And I’d never really thought of that before.
I Don’t know, maybe I’m just growing up a little. Later, after I’d tossed her about a half a pint of throat yogurt, I found myself thinking, “Why do I feel so drained and empty?” It wasn’t just her flawless technique or her slutty, shameless hunger, but something else. Some niggling feeling of loss. Why did it feel so incomplete? And then it hit me. It didn’t feel the same because you weren’t there, Audrey, to watch. Do you know what I mean? Nothing feels the same without you. Jesus, Audrey, I’m just going crazy without you. And everything I do just reminds me of you.
Do you remember Carol, that single mom we met at Pontins last year? Well, she dropped by last week with a pan of lasagna. She said she figured I wasn’t eating right without a woman around. I didn’t know what she meant till later, but that’s not the real story. Anyway, we had a few glasses of wine and the next thing you know we’re banging away in our old bedroom. And this tart’s a total monster in the sack. She’s giving me everything, you know like a real woman does when she’s not hung up about her weight or her career and whether the kids can hear us. And all of a sudden she spots that tilting mirror on your grandmother’s old vanity. So she puts it on the floor and we straddle it, right, so we can watch ourselves. And it’s totally hot, but it makes me sad too. ‘Cause I can’t help thinking, “Why didn’t Audrey ever put the mirror on the floor? We’ve had this old vanity for what, 14 years, and we never used it as a sex aid.”
Saturday, your sister drops by with my copy of the restraining order. I mean, Vicky’s just a kid and all, but she’s got a pretty good head on her shoulders and she’s been a real friend to me during this painful time. She’s given me lots of good counsel about you and about women in general. She’s pulling for us to get back together, Audrey, She really is. So we’re drinking in a hot bath and talking about happier times. Here’s this teenage girl with the same DNA as you and all I can do is think of how much she looked like you when you were 18. And that just about makes me cry. And then it turns out Vicky’s really into the whole anal thing and that gets me to thinking about how many times I pressured you about trying it and how that probably fueled some of the bitterness between us. But do you see how even then, when I’m thrusting inside your baby sister’s cinnamon ring, all I can do is think of you?
It’s true, Audrey. In your heart you know it. Don’t you think we could start over? Just wipe out all the grievances and start fresh? I think we can.
If you feel the same please, please, please let me know, otherwise, can you let me know where the remote control is.
(I don’t know who wrote this – 3amW)
I wake up. Hit the snooze. Many many many times. Sit up. Swear. Schlep to the bathroom. Take a niiiice piss. Turn on the heater and disrobe. Take my hairclip from the towel rack, then I put my hair in a bun. Turn on the shower, put on a shower cap, then proceed to look at my naked body. Sometimes I stand on the corner of the tub to get a better perspective of my lower part and say, FUUUUUUUUUUCK. Not always, fuck. sometimes it’s crap, or jesus christ. Open the shower door, which the bottom of the shower is already becoming clogged cuz that shit needs to be fixed. Once in the shower, I untie my loofah and I get the hotel body scrub that I’ve stolen. I usually drop a lot of shit. I’m always dropping shit. Loofah. Most attention is paid to the chest, definitely the upper back stomach, sometimes buttcheeks, whether they need it or not. [B (off-side): What about Nanner?] We’ll get to the Nanner later. That’s right before I get out. Then, what I’ll do is get my toothbrush and toothpaste, and begin to brush while I’m in the shower. On the odd day that I am washing my hair, I will be brushing my teeth as I wash my hair. And then as I’m spitting out the toothpaste on the tub floor which is already filled up at this point because the drain doesn’t work, but it always makes a nice little clopping sound when it hits the water. And I always watch it and say, “Oo…” And then I wash the hair and soap off my body. I proceed to grab, usually my roommates nice conditioner, making sure that the bottle is left in the exact approximation including exact nozzle position. Use the conditioner…while that is working on my hair, I get my face Loofah and my oil of olay and go to work on my face. And seeing as I don’t shave but once or twice every two weeks (seeing as I shave only once or twice when I’m gettin’ booty…) but usually I shave my armpits when they’re long. Then I will wash off my face and wash the conditioner out of my hair. The last thing I do is bend over just enough so that my face doesn’t touch the wall and let the water run through my open buttcrack, and down to clean my cooter. Shut the water off, wring my hair out, then open the door and step on the damn moss-ridden rug. Towel off my face, making sure that if I do get snot on one side of the towel, that I immediately flip it over so that I don’t have it touch any part of my body. Then I put on my face moisturizer. I usually wax my ears. I do that quite often. It feels good. Then what I’ll do is get my mandarin and mango body lotion and start with my arms, my upper chest, down to my labial lips. You know, before you dress caress type thing. I go get my cucumber eye cream and put that on so that I retain my vitality and youth. Then I spray myself with my Longing perfume, and sometimes on my box, with the caveat being, usually that goes hand in hand with when I shaved (in relationship to the fact that if I shaved, I’m probably going to get some action). Turn off the heater, open the door. The gust of smoke recedes from the bathroom. Sit on the couch, take a few deep breaths.
We followed the speech with a question and answer session (morning ritualist hereafter referred to as GIRL).
B: Do you give the cooter any special attention as far as cleaning is concerned? For example, what if you’ve taken a few extra laps the night before.
GIRL: Well, I usually just do the same thing.
B: No extra soaping or scrubbing?
GIRL: I don’t usually use soap because…soap is just too harsh on the cooter. And plus I’ve heard it doesn’t taste good.
[long awkward silence]
JAMES LIPTON: What would you like to hear God say, when you walk through those pearly gates?
GIRL: Don’t you think the water running through the buttcrack is a bit contaminated once it hits the cooter?
B: Yeah, totally.
Okay, confession. But it’s not about me. It’s about my friend.
so some mutherfuckin’ ho and i’m not naming any names, wakes up, decides to sleep in an extra five minutes, does her anal-rentative morning ritual that’s timed down to the minute but thinks she’s running five minutes late now so she runs out the door and doesn’t even have time to eat breakfast or verbally abuse the turtle. then she notices that the sky’s a little bluer than usual (thinks, it’ll probably be cold today) that there’s no traffic on the street and that the car clock says 7:24 and its probably because of some electrical problem with the car. then about 4 blocks later, she starts to put it all together…dumbass finally realizes she’s exactly an hour ahead of schedule. so she goes into coffee bean and curls up in a chair like a homeless person and sleeps for 55 minutes.
Loser.
THIS JUST IN: Brian has declared that I’m closet OCD because I time each step of my morning ritual to the minute and know that it takes me 18-22 minutes (but no less than 18) to get ready in the morning if I’m absolutely focused.
THIS JUST IN: Baby loves her sleep…
Just had an EXHAUSTING conversation with Taron about religion and spirituality. This whole thing about, if you’re homosexual, you can’t go to heaven and it’s a sin…I’m not even going to get into the things we talked about, but as frustrating as these things can be, it’s actually really good for me, teaching me patience and helping me be resourceful and clear as I communicate my own thoughts without trying to dominate his. These discussions really help me since it reaffirms my spirituality by expressing and defending it; it makes me stronger in a way, because I can feel, when I talk about it and the way the connections come and the thoughts flow, that this is truly a part of myself. One thing I noticed though…if you are truly comfortable with your spirituality and beliefs, you will also be comfortable when people challenge it, and you won’t demand that others embrace your same beliefs. I think some religions try to pass off judgment and elitism as good will for their fellow man; it’s not good enough that their fellow man lives a good life filled with love and kindness towards others. He must also accept their specific God as his own God. I feel like that’s really missing some major points.
I think it’s very important for all of us to find our own way towards a reconnection with where we come from and where we’re going. So that when we find it, it’ll mean something to us and we’ll know 100% that this is what we truly want and live life embracing it. Just like, for us to appreciate a really good partner, we have to be ready for that person and have gone through enough struggle to understand why we need it. Not just because we theoretically know we want to marry someone with certain qualifications. We have to have come to enough self-realization to be able to truly appreciate someone good.
It doesn’t mean anything to be told you have to be a good person. It means something when you know why, when you know deep down that this is the way you want to live your life, when you know that you are doing it out of respect for yourself and respect for everything that exists outside of you, and when you understand that the universe begins with you and you have no control over anything except for yourself. The same thing (the need to walk away and reconnect) can be said for all relationships, obviously, be that with a family member, a friend, a lover or with God or whatever one believes to be the greater power that we are a part of. For example, one of the biggest moments of truth is when you are disillusioned by your parents, when you discover that they are humans with flaws and are not perfect and have probably failed to protect you from various aspects of life (even though, in many instances, they had no human capacity with which to protect you). From that moment on, when your idealism towards the people who gave you life is shattered, you may be angry, bitter, disillusioned, whatever…but from that place, you must find your way back, learn to reconnect to them as people, on a different level, as sibling souls vibrating on the same level yet embarking on their own, difficult journeys. You will discover a bond created by true respect, caring and understanding, rather than by the forced relationship due developmental dependency. When we reconnect with our parents on this level, as equals, we experience one of the most rewarding experiences that living has to offer. We discover what it means to truly APPRECIATE each other.
The same will happen when our own children reach that same point. This is why parents get scared of children becoming independent. At some point, they fear that their child is not coming back. And then things get played out that can turn dysfunctional and prevent that true connection from being established.
This break is needed though. Often, the things that we realize to mean the most to us are things that we had to turn our backs on or lose in order to understand the value of them when we have to fight to regain them. Why does God give us hardship? Because he loves us. Because he needs to challenge us so that we may find the strength and courage within ourselves to face difficulties and rediscover our faith. So that we can come back stronger and understand why we are with him, and why we want to be good people. It’s really easy to be good if you are never challenged and can go about, day in day out, just being “good.” But what about when you lose your money, you lose your house, you lose a loved one, you lose a physical or mental capacity? Then what? Is it still easy to care about others, turn the other cheek, not become angry and bitter? Of course not. Of course we will do these things or feel these negative emotions. But the important part of our journey on this planet is what we do once we experience hardship. Do we stand back up and find strength within ourselves? Or do we give up and walk away from the challenge, leaving our backs turned on the very force and goodness that nourishes us? The world is full of dysfunction. So many kids grow up with really awful childhoods. But why is it that the child of one abusive parent will turn into a criminal, and another will turn into a philantropist? It all comes down to that inner journey and what each person was brave enough to summon.
It’s easy for me to see the difference between someone who is a good person but has never been challenged, versus someone who is a good person because he has been challenged, has been beaten down by life in one capacity or another, yet has found the strength and courage to return to his path. Nothing is more heartbreaking than someone who wants to be a good person and overcome hardship, but is terrified so terrified to find his own inner strength, that he believes it’s easier to lose faith and live with his back turned to his connection to the universe. Because there is nothing that anyone else can do for him. It is his own private journey, and the best you can do is to give him unconditional positive regard and pray that he finds the courage to discover all the strength he has stored within him.
As I have said previously about relationships, nothing can exist without there being a relationship present. No object can exist by itself. It must have a relationship with another object in order to exist. It’s commonly accepted that we would not exist without God, but do you know that God would not exist without us? I don’t mean God, as constructed by religion, but god in his immeasurable entirity, which religion can only represent in inadequate symbols–the greater thing that we all come from that goes by different names and images within different circles. I mean the greater being that exists, regardless of whether we give him a label or not (just think…years ago we thought the world was flat and we had a collective idea of its shape, but that widespread belief by the collective didn’t make it so…the world was still round despite what the masses believed). We make up God, collectively. We are all a part of God, just as God is within each and every one of us. Love is the energy which makes up God and it is the energy which is our life force. It fills us and connects us, and to refuse that force and turn your back on the greater being is, more than anything, a tragedy to yourself and your soul.
And the most fundamental fact of life is: We all of the opportunity to connect with him, and we all have the choice to ignore him. It is up to each person, and the consequences and benefits are for no one but himself.
Everyone who knows me knows that I’m not a religion freak. I’ve learned my lessons in life not from accepting the words and teachings of others, but from what I’ve learned of personal experiences and from the experiences of others that I’ve been lucky enough to have had shared with me. It’s about listening. About absorbing and then striving to understand the many greater meanings while knowing that behind these meanings are other truths that may be similar or contradict these meanings. I
t is not about taming these meanings, these vibrations, these people because the world outside of you will always be bigger than you and you will NEVER be able to control it no matter how much you’ve shuffled into cut and dry categories and judgments. Many people have opened up their souls to me in order for me to understand different perspectives of what it means to live and struggle and hope and fear, and in turn, I try to repay their trust by trying to find ways to communicate what it is that we all experience in order for people to understand that they are not alone, that life is HARD, but that when any person is truly in need, there will be brothers and sisters (who sometimes come even in the form of strangers) to help light his or her way.We are all the same, yet we are all different. We are all together, yet we are all alone. We are all loved, yet we all have a personal journey that is for us to take alone. You can have religion, you can have your spiritual teachings, you can have your loved ones, but at the end of the day, it’s about your own private connection to the greater being…what connects us from where we came from and what connects us to where we’re going. And this connection is guaranteed to be challenged often throughout life, and there will be times when you lose faith and turn your back and don’t want to believe in anything anymore, but if you can find that strength within yourself and believe that you are loved and looked out for, then I promise you, you will come out stronger than you have ever imagined. Challenges only make us stronger, and make us further appreciate the things that we have been blessed with.
I love everyone I meet to some degree, even if I don’t understand them or don’t like them. To be honest, I doubt that even Jesus or Ghandi or Buddha never felt frustrated with people or some level of dislike. People are people and we have ways in which we’re magnanimous and ways in which we’re petty. But despite that, a person has to make a conscious effort to be mindful, of the blessings and lessons in every moment, interaction, person, and understand that this journey is not meant to be an easy one, but if you can find your own way into yourself so that you can reconnect with your soul and the greater being, then you will be able to reach out and bring positivity into the world.
Judgment will never heal. And love will never confine.
I’ve been so focused in life about everything I need to do, everything other people need me to do, everything other people want me to be, and everything I am because I’m afraid to be otherwise…I haven’t had time to think about the things that I would like to do, and should do.
I’d really like to go out into the woods somewhere, during rain season when there’s always that crisp, fresh smell in the air that just fills you with energy and life… and camp where there’s no one around, with my guitar and my journal. My favorite memories as a kid were of that week at science camp in the 5th grade, just being out in the woods. And that smell…that damp fall smell of the fresh rain breathing life into a sleeping forest…it damn near brings me to tears. It was everything outside of the box that growing up in the city had forced me into; I never really thought of the world as anything more than a jungle of paved roads and man-made parks. But here…it could go on forever. To be so close to nature just gave me so much comfort. Every sound…every smell…the droplets of dew dripping off of redwood wings onto their fallen brothers as the air symphonically hummed…the way you could feel every twig, sliver of grass, layer of soil shift under the soles of your shoes as you walked, and sometimes, you honestly couldn’t tell where you ended and the earth began. You could feel the comfort of the womb from which all people come from, wrapping you in its gentle arms, its pulse beating to the rhythm of your own heart, and just know that you are loved.
God, what I would do to experience that again.
Children are so beautiful. To have glimpses back into what it was like to see the world as a child is one of the greatest gifts God toss out every once in a while.
Last winter I got really depressed and told everyone that I didn’t know why, but I did. It was totally because of what happened in Vegas. I’ve never had a one night stand but I used to go out of town to hook up because I believe in not pissing in your own pool so I won’t hook up with anyone that I have to risk running into later on. Because maybe that physical stuff means something to me and maybe it doesn’t, but I’m too scared to find out because both possibilities are terrifying to me. So I wasn’t in the best mindset at the time anyway, but I went to Vegas because some of my relatives were there for a show; I pretty much expected that I would hook up. I met a guy who lived there and got a date with him easily. It was all a fucking game. A real easy pick-up. It helped that we both had the same birthday and we got a kick out of that. We went out and spent a lot of time talking and it was really good. Really comfortable . He turned out to be a really nice guy who had a lot of things to say. And made me a mix tape. :) I don’t think either of us was expecting to really like the other person because I have a feeling we were both just looking for something casual. He was hurting from a break-up, and I was hurting from something else. It could have gone either way…if we hadn’t hooked up, we would have probably kept in touch and had a chance at friendship, but we did. I think I was trying to meet someone I wouldn’t have to care about and reaffirm that sex means nothing to me. Or more accurately, to break myself to the point of believing that. To do this, I really couldn’t care about him as a person. But I did and I respected him, so I didn’t sleep with him because I knew that I would have been taking advantage of him to play out something really wrong inside of me, even if he was doing the same. And after I came home, the whole situation really psychologically bombed me.
I really didn’t want to know anything about this guy for fear of finding out that he’s a real person, a decent person, and having to feel responsible towards that. Because it’s counter-intuitive–I care about people and want to know about them, but sometimes it makes me angry that I do because no one gives a fuck about me. But I was trying to do something that would hurt the part of me that cares too much and always gets hurt. Using the most vulnerable type of situation to hurt it. That’s so fucked up, I can’t even tell you. And I’m worried that it’s about to start up again and so I’ve been forcing myself to stay in town and deal with these demons. It’s a scary journey, to go inside and find out WHY. But if it weren’t for the fact that life has been feeling ominous lately and I’m worried that I may be running out of time and I don’t even know what that means or what may be around the corner, I know I’ve gotta be strong and do this.
My mom said something very insightful once when I was in a relationship that I didn’t really want to be in, which is something I love to do to myself. She said, “You can love someone and not even like him.” It made a lot of sense to me. That intense, passionate connection that makes no sense with someone I can barely stand, someone who makes me unhappy and stressed when I’m with him. That connection is probably so intense because I’m playing out something within myself that’s the equivalent of drowning myself in a bathtub. Sometimes I think it’s easier to date someone that I already have a problem with (ie there’s something about him that makes me already have a good idea that he won’t be sticking around) so that I already have an excuse to break up with him. And then I go through the relationship holding that close to my chest, that Ace card that will tear the whole house down, by my hand, because I willed it. Because what really matters is that I’m in control, right? You know exactly what I’m talking about because you’ve been there. And you would rather go through this and let it tear a hole in you and everyone else who tries to get close to you than ask for help and do the courageous thing.
One day I’ll grow up and be brave enough to venture into a relationship with someone that I really want to be with. And when I open up, it won’t be a game anymore but the real thing, with real risks but real rewards, and I won’t be afraid of each one as much as the other. So far, it always feels like a game. Like I’m not really letting go of the side of the pool. Never really giving up control. Will giving up control really kill me? Probably not, but a part of me thinks it will and I am BEGGING someone to help me reason with that part of me.
Some people have asked me about why people who are intuitive can see some things but not others. So I’m going to jot down some random things about what I’ve learned about intuition from my own experiences and from what I’ve gathered from those who are working psychics. You know I don’t like to call intuition “psychic ability” because of the stigmas, but I’ll refer to it as that just to make things easier.
1. Psychic ability is just another sense. It’s an ability to perceive. The interpretation is up to the person perceiving. For example, 2 people can watch a car accident. Each sees the exact same event, but one person may have seen one driver on his cell phone and interpreted the accident as being that person’s fault, and the other one may have missed certain details and interpreted the accident differently. Almost everyone has intuition, with the potential for it to become what is refered to as psychic ability. It’s just a matter of tuning into that sense. The rest is interpretation.
2. Why can’t psychics fix their own lives? Because of blindsights. Imagine you have amazing vision and can see objects hundreds of feet away while others can only see things 20 feet away. Now imagine how clearly you can see those far objects because you’re focused on them. Now, imagine that an object pops up 5 feet away from you into your line of sight. You won’t be able to see it very clearly because you’re eyes are focused on something else. You can perceive it and try to figure out what it is based on guesses (it looks like a person, it looks like a car, etc.) but you won’t be able to see it very clearly. This is what happens when someone is really in tune to that sixth sense. You can see/feel/perceive things that are hidden, but have trouble interpreting cues that should be obvious within human interaction. Futhermore, the closer someone is to you, the harder it is to see them objectively. The size of the blindsight is directly proportional to how sharpened your intuitive abilities are or to how close the person is to you. Because the closer someone is to you relationship-wise, you will psychologically begin to project hopes and fears as well as take in realistic evaluations, which is the normal process of human interaction/relating. But if you have that extra sense turned on, it confuses the situation and it’s really hard to trust the information coming in, especially if the information is conflicting. For example, when it comes to relationships, I have to ask trusted third parties for “reality checks” because my radars go haywire the closer someone gets to me and it’s very easy to get blindsighted. Furthermore, psychics can’t see their own lives and their own problems. PEOPLE IN GENERAL have a hard time seeing their own problems because it requires a high level of objectivity. Imagine, you and I are sitting across from each other. You have something on your face and I can see it. I may have something on my face too, but I have no way of knowing unless you tell me, just as you wouldn’t know unless I told you. So psychics are just people who have extra facilities for perceiving, but yet, they are bound by the same laws of perspective.
3. The Future. Okay, I was never one who predicted the future. I’m an empath and don’t have enough objectivity to be a medium, so I don’t trust the things I see. But to explain the nature of the “future” I want to explain that the future is not set in stone. It’s about probability. If you are driving as fast as you can towards a wall, you are most likely going to crash into the wall. But there’s a chance you could brake at the last second or take a sudden turn right after the point when I perceived your situation and predicted that you would probably crash into the wall. The future is a lot about free will, but if you are moving in a certain direction, then there is probably a high probability for certain specific things to happen. They say that most very successful business people measure high when tested for psychic ability. This just means that are just able to subconsciously calculate complex equations regarding probability. So, from my experience, if people push me, I can tell them what I see happening, even though I don’t like to. But I also know that I’m calculating probability from a snapshot of the present–all the circumstances, factors and elements that lead to a likely conclusion. But things can change and the outcome can be different. If I read for you now and tell you about a problem, and you change something, and then I read for you 2 weeks later, I could see a different outcome. It’s not because I was wrong the first time. It’s because you introduced a new set of elements into the equation.
4. Accountability. This is about interpretation. Imagine that you have a problem with your girlfriend. You had a fight last night, you made up, but now she hasn’t returned your call today and you don’t know what’s up. You ask your best male friend for his opinion. He takes the series of facts (you had a fight, she doesn’t return your calls) and interprets that she’s mad at you. Now you ask a good female friend who happens to be a therapist, let’s say :) She says, well, it could be that your girlfriend feels bad about what happened and is taking time to think about things and come back with something that could improve the relationship. This would probably leave you to be willing to be more open-minded about your girlfriend’s intentions, rather than immediately jumping to being defensive and planning an exit strategy (not for breaking up per se, but to save your pride). Both situations could be possible, and both people analyzed the same set of facts that you presented. But what both people did was internalize the facts and come back with an interpretation that reflects how they see the world. This is the challenge for those who are genuinely intuitive and work in the psychic advising field. You can take two psychics who can both perceive the same situation, or person, but depending on how they see the world, will give you advice based on that. Therefore, an empath will probably focus on emotional/psychological factors, while someone who is clairvoyant (mostly factual, concrete things…a lot of male psychics are like this) will give you the basics without looking too deeply into things (ie…”she’s upset.” “She needs time.” “She’s busy right now.”) It’s the dichotomy of big picture vs. sum of all details. They don’t always equal the same thing when it comes to human interpretation. So a good psychic is not just one who can see, but one who can interpret the information in a way that is as accurate as possible to the objective truth, and convey it in that way. That’s what makes one psychic better than another (just as what makes one therapist better than another). Step one…perceive the situation, Step Two…interpret the situation, Step Three…communicate the situation as clearly as possible. The last step would be advising, but most intuitives should stay away from that if possible because sometimes it’s up to the person to put together this information and understand this part of their journey.
5. Permission. Just as with people who go under hypnosis, a hypnotist will NEVER be able to make that person do something to which they are morally or psychologically opposed. I can only speak from my own experience, but someone has to give me permission in order for me to be able to see inside of them. What I mean is that, they have to open that door. And it’s not necessarily a conscious process for them. I do not have the ability to intrude and see things that they absolutely do not want me to see. For example, I once knew someone who had some deep-seated issues from his childhood. From the first day I met him, his mouth said one thing, but he opened the door and reached out psychically so that I was aware of a subtext and was able to perceive things that were hid
den within him, even though his actions and words were actually going out of their way to contradict them. In essence, he gave me permission to look at what a part of him wanted me to see, and actually unconsciously opened the door and guided me there. It was like a cry for help. Even though the rest of him was quite resistant to any sort of acknowledgement of or assistance to that part of him that needed help and exposure, I wouldn’t have been able to even know that it was there if he hadn’t communicated to me on that level and shown it to me. I don’t walk around and probe people’s insides. In fact, there are a lot of people who keep their doors closed, and even those who have them open, I choose not to walk through and look. But when you look inside someone else, you are giving up quite a bit of control, and in some sense, there’s no way to turn it off once that connection has been established.
If people really want to know what intimacy truly is, it’s that connection. The opening of the door. Like I said, everyone is intuitive and has this ability to perceive. People who hone that ability just have more ways of applying it.
6. Interpersonal connection. Everyone connects with some people better than others. This comes into play in a psychic’s ability to see into you. It’s parallel to the relationship between a therapist and a client. A therapist can be an AMAZING therapist, and the client can be extremely willing to dive into his scary places, but if they can’t communicate on the same frequencies or can’t create a comfortable enough space for intimacy to happen, then it won’t work out. Whether or not an intuitive can see into someone is not necessarily related to his/her perceptive abilities. It could be the connection, and the willingness of each person to open that door that allows for the connection, as well as ability to communicate what is said. I don’t get as much information from some people as I do from others, even if the door is open.
7. The Metaphysical. We are only messengers (and part-time at that!)There are things that you aren’t meant to know. I’ve noticed that when I’m connected, whether that is while reading for someone or with someone who comes into my life, I will have a burning message to tell them because for some reason, they’re off their path and they have knowledge/a lesson that they need communicated to them. These things come in the strongest. Sometimes the information comes in very specific. Sometimes it’s very vague. When it’s vague, it’s because the person has to go on his own journey to figure something out, and the message is only the ignition. They’ll understand the message when they find it. I’ve noticed that there are times when information has to come in wrong in order for the person to do what’s right. For example, it’ll be something like telling someone that something is good for them, when in truth, they have to learn how to trust their own intuition and break away. Because for some reason, if I told them that this person is not good for them, it reaffirms their intuition which they don’t trust and they end up fighting it even harder and refusing to do what they need to do. To be honest, I can’t tell the difference. I just give them the message that I’m supposed to give them, and even if later on, I get more information and I see that it was the opposite of something, it usually all makes sense in the long run and is actually beneficial towards what that person needs to do to get on his life path. So, don’t measure messages by their accuracy. Measure them by whether they helped you find your way back towards your path and doing what’s best for yourself at the deepest level.
Okay, delayed retort to my mom’s rant on politics…
Yeah, the ten most powerful people in the world are political personality types, but Jesus is freakin’ the most celebrated person of human existence and all he did was walk around loving and healing people. AND. He came back to life. Let’s see Dubya do that! So who cares if I don’t want to participate in all these stupid, insecure, little-children-in-grown-overweight-bodies games of building the biggest corporation, country, house of meangless cards, WHATEVER to reach heaven. I want to be kind to people and if I want to sit on my fucking ass and be kind to people and play with children and give them love and comfort, then that’s what I’ll do and FUCK IT if I don’t know the intricacies of stupid politics that go on in meeting rooms that add up to NOTHING when we die and can’t take the high profits/ low overhead with us.
Going back to painting my nails.
Last thought for today and I’m off to bed:
My favorite stories as a kid were about King Arthur and the Knights of the Round Table. I mean, I obsessively loved them.
Now that I’m older and know that all creative output is a metaphor for something within the artist or the social group that embraces the tale (a cry for help, if you will), then if I love it, it means that I feel that it also reflects something within me, or it voices something I need voiced.
So I was thinking about the whole thing about King Arthur proving himself by being the only one who could pull the sword out of the stone. It doesn’t matter that this story is obviously warped from what really happened (be pissed at me, but to be honest, so is the Bible, though I’m not saying it doesn’t have quite a bit of value as a guide for people). It’s the symbolisms that have been embraced by people, and if it can make it through so many generations, it means that some universal themes can be found by taking it apart. TANGENT! What I’m saying is that there can be many interpretations of this aspect of the legend, but for me, one thing I thought about was the theme of needing a leader and then having the one destined to rule be able to unlock the magic.
So I just thought of it. The thing I want most in life, more than ANYTHING.
I want someone who can listen to me talk, read what I write, and see through all the webs I spin that are hiding who I am and can see me evading all attempts for anyone to see my core. I mean, what if there’s one person out there, who can read this blog and understand EXACTLY what I’m saying, understand exactly what I’m feeling, can cut through all the smoke and mirrors, bravado and neuroticisms, and be able to decipher, through the maps hidden within my writing, the path into my soul? Maybe this person is old, young, a man, a woman, someone from a different background, whatever. Could be a relative, friend, lover, mentor, protege, stranger. It’s not about sex, or even emotional love or any other dictate of a social construct. It’s about the naked connection. Of being known. Truly, completely known. If that person exists, I would do anything to meet that person some day.
And I think it would be amazing to look into someone and just SEE. Everything. The entire universe inside of him.
They say a gemini spends a lifetime looking for his/her soulmate. I think geminis would be a lot more at ease if they realize that the soulmate doesn’t have to come in the form of a lover. So you don’t have to leave that slot open and put so much pressure on the people who want to sit in that seat. Your soulmate can be an old homeless man who will teach you the biggest lessons you’ll ever learn. It can be your future son or daughter. Or maybe it will be your lover. But know that if you keep your eyes open and allow for that connection, you’ll find this person (actually, these people because everyone has numerous potential soulmates. But you only need one true connection with one to break open that door to your soul). In the meantime, don’t limit yourself by believing your soulmate will only come in the form of a lover. You’ll also deny people who would be quite supportive of and beneficial to you in your journey.
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Anger can feel like not just something we need to control, but something that makes us feel weak or scared or even numb.
You might not be aware when you’re angry. You might know it, but also not know it. When something gets you angry, you might first get numb, and that might be when your defense kicks in and you decide that you have to stay in control. Rather than get into conflict, which is what you’re afraid of, you withdraw. Because you’re afraid it will upset your partner and it will hurt her. So you would rather withdraw than hear about your partner being unhappy. You’re afraid to hear what you may have done that made your partner unhappy. Even when she could be unhappy for other reasons, you are afraid to know why she is unhappy, for fear it may be because of you. So you assume the worst case scenario, then withdraw to avoid it. The same goes, vice versa. Whether there are emotions that come from your partner or you, what reassured you was that you were in control of them, which could have then brought on the numbness, which assured you that you were in control. But to your partner, it can feel like you’re rejecting her and refusing to deal with the issue.
When it comes to dealing with conflict, you have to learn how to trust yourself. That you’re not going to blow up. It’s just like, when someone clenches their fist, they’re saying, “I don’t trust myself. I may do damage.” It’s self-fear.
The wife interrupted and told the therapist, “he used to punch walls and do other things to hurt himself when he was mad, like bang his head against the wall.”
The therapist says…When you do something against yourself, it’s another attempt to keep control. You don’t want to hurt someone else so you hurt yourself. It’s also a loss of words. You don’t know how to say how you feel, so you have to act it out.
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My thought for the day:
When people argue, they are coming from a place of simultaneously not wanting to get hurt and desperately wanting to be heard.
You must use conscious thought and effort rather than sub-conscious reaction in order to change things and try something different (more positive) within conflict.
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About Me:
experimental stream of consciousness writer who may or may not be a liar. sanest person you've ever met but i'll look you in the eyes like a computer eating magnets. what i don't know about you, i'll make up. and you'll still love me because you don't know where i went that moment you swore i disappeared. my moods chase the seasons and i hear it makes an interesting read. i like smelling good.