Echo

Looks like my Michigan Wolverines will be playing Brian’s UT Longhorns at the Rose Bowl. Oh, the fallout that is soon to come within the confines of Club Manic…

I just love Clive Owen.

Just saw Closer, which I’ve been eagerly awaiting since I first saw the preview months ago. Personally, I loved it. I understand that the play was probably amazing and it was nearly a direct adaptation so it’s not necessarily amazing by cinematic standards, but the performances were outstanding and I loved the dialogue and the handling of its themes. One scene, in which Clive Owen’s character demands to know every detail of his wife’s (Julia Roberts) extra-marital sexual encounter, was so brutally honest and painful that I really felt traumatized. Like watching your parents beat the shit out of each other. The whole movie was brutally honest. It has to be one of the most depressing movies I’ve ever seen, but I loved it. I’m just a masochist that way.

The film makes you feel like relationships are pointless if we are looking to be fulfilled in every way, or are expecting permanence. Because at the end of the day, if you want to have a relationship with another human being, there is bound to be pain and disappointment, as all human beings are fallible and it’s just what you have to expect and accept. But we always expect more out of people–more love, more devotion, more honesty, more attention–than any human being can possibly give for as long as we want it (forever).

In the movie, Jude Law has an affair with Julia Roberts and the two leave their respective partners to be with each other. The two abandoned partners go through their own personal hell. But when Julia goes to get her husband to sign the divorce papers, he says he’ll only do it if she sleeps with him one last time, so that she can be his whore and he can get over her. So she does it, but tells Jude about it because they had always promised to be honest with each other. But of course, he can’t deal with this betrayal.

Here’s the funny thing that I understand. Yes, they are both guilty of cheating on their partners. But their reasoning was that they were both in unhappy relationships when they were truly in love with each other. So they both face that “honesty” and leave their partners for each other to start this partnership of love on a fated level. Nevermind that it was born in dishonesty and infidelity, their newly born love affair is now pure. But when Julia’s character sleeps with her husband in order for things to be better for them, this is a betrayal of this relationship, and that’s why Jude can’t forgive her. Yes, it’s both hypocritical and understandable. Life is so much more complex than black and white ethics. Emotions can not be rationalized and rationalization can not completely dissect emotions.

It’s amazing how distrust will undermine any relationship and every relationship. “I’m waiting for you to leave me.” This was a theme in the movie. One that everyone can probably relate to. How many times in your life have you found yourself looking for the moment when the other shoe drops and the relationship ends? If it’s not you, then it’s gonna be them. Because there’s only going to be one relationship that doesn’t end, and that’s the one that you just happen to be in when you die. So what do we do? I think we have to temper our expectations to make them more reasonable. But what about that need to rest? To be able to know that the person you love isn’t going anywhere? Why do human beings have to be so fallible? Or why do we have such a vulnerable need for security?

I hope I never fall for anyone again. I honestly do. Because while it’s amazing while it lasts, it’s terrible trying to recover from the disappointment and loss. Like getting off drugs. Euphoria followed by a devastating withdrawal process in order to get it out of your system so that you can return to feeling normal again. Relationships work best as a secondary system of support, not as a defining measure of who you are.

Happy Stupid Celebrity Gossip Eyewitness Day!!

Today is officially Stupid Celebrity Gossip Eyewitness Day! While this isn’t a national holiday, Dec. 3rd is a day to be celebrated, according to me. This special day is in honor of all the stupid people (mostly in LA), who will say the most asinine things to be quoted as the unnamed “eyewitness” in celebrity gossip blurbs.

Example:

The New York Post says that Mary-Kate Olsen‘s ex-boyfriend, David Katzenberg (son of DreamWorks tycoon Jeffrey), flew to Los Angeles last weekend in hopes of bumping into her and perhaps wooing her back.

But Katzenberg’s plan supposedly hit a major snag when he had an ill-timed run-in with Mary-Kate’s current squeeze, businessman Ali Fatourechi.

And the Stupid Celebrity Gossip Eyewitness says! :

“They were both at [the L.A. restaurant] Toast, sitting across from each other at separate tables,” an eyewitness tells the paper. “They were staring each other down — it was really uncomfortable.”

Ooooh. Deep thoughts. By non-celebrity attention whores.

So in honor of this special day, let’s all proudly show our colors as Stupid Celebrity Gossip Eye Witnesses!

Here are some eyewitnesses in all their glory:

-Dennis Quaid was spotted at a light in West LA driving a late-model metallic blue 7-series BMW. According to an eyewitness, “When the light turned green, Dennis did not abide by merging rules and instead, sped up to merge in front of me instead of behind me. It was really uncomfortable.”

-Queen Latifah was recently seen dining at [the LA restaurant] Toast, exhibiting behavior that shocked fellow diners. Said one eyewitness, “She ordered the salad/soup combo, but she wanted her dressing on the side with no carrots and extra croutons, but she wanted the salad served before the soup with a decaf nonfat vanilla latte to follow. And then she asked for a lowfat blueberry-lemon muffin to go! To go! What? She can’t eat at the table like the rest of us human beings? The most atrocious thing was when the waitress cam back and asked if she needed anything else, and the ‘Queen’ quickly whipped out her credit card and asked, “Do you take American Express?” Are you KIDDING me? Who the hell does she think she is??? There were CHILDREN in the restaurant! Needless to say, and I think everyone else in the restaurant will agree with me, the whole episode left a very bad taste in my mouth.”

-Ben Stiller was seen at a concession stand of a movie theater, looking puzzled at the menu. “It was like he didn’t know what he wanted,” said one eyewitness who was in line behind him. “I mean, there are only so many things that a movie theater offers. It’s not like there’s gonna be any surprises. And the longer he stared at it, the more it started creeping me out. And his wife just stood there and didn’t say anything! Looks like either someone’s on the verge of a breakdown, or a marriage is on the rocks to me…”

-Michelle Pfeiffer was seen in the Palisades picking up her son from his speech therapy appointment. According to one eye witness, “Let’s just say, she was driving a car, but it most definitely wasn’t a minivan. And when she pulled out of the driveway, she couldn’t even be bothered to put on her turn signal! I’m not judgmental, but I think most people would agree with me that someone who hasn’t had a box office hit in years doesn’t get to act like a *$&@ing diva.”

-Adam Sandler was recently spotted playing basketball at a public park in Westwood. One eyewitness observed, “He was wearing a heavy cotton-blend golf shirt while playing basketball. Who does that? And it was ugly, too. Frankly, I was appalled. And you know what else I think? Closet case…“

– At a Lakers game last month, Jack Nicholson was overheard mumbling, “His beady little eyes were dwarfed by his superior forehead and further deanimated by his angular, slacked jaw. But his skin was soft and translucent, like a baby rabbit’s ass. Mmmm…baby rabbit ass. Wouldn’t YOU like to know where I’ve hidden the baby rabbit ass, you beady-eyed robot man! Don’t test me, kid. I want to wear your skin…” While the official word from Jack’s people is that the actor was merely utilizing doctor-prescribed peyote in order to finish an erotic-western novel in honor of National Novel Writing Month, others believe he was actually commenting on former teen actor James Van der Beek, who happened to also be in attendance that night. Van der Beek, on the other hand, was apparently causing quite a stir. An eyewitness at the game confided, “At one point, the ball flew out of bounds and hit that Dawson’s Creek kid on his forehead, but he didn’t even blink. Not even a change of expression! And by the way, I saw him eating nachos AND garlic fries along with a bunless hot dog. Atkins my ass…”

-Ron Jeremy was seen backstage an Ashlee Simpson concert, fervently pitching a coming-of-age romantic-comedy to her agent. Kindly, he took the time to pose for pictures with fans and gawkers. But according to one eyewitness who wasn’t so impressed by the man’s numerous film credits, “He smelled funny. Kinda like a freezer-burned corndog.”

-Zach Braff and Mandy Moore were spotted in a Century City movie theater canoodling at an opening-night screening of Kinsey. Despite the fact that the extraordinary actor turned writer/director triple threat has used his new found fame to snag (shag?) younger post-teen up-and-comers, the fame has not gone to the young man’s massive orange-on-a-toothpick head. He was overheard graciously agreeing to have his picture taken with a group of fans (even though this promise must have slipped his mind as he and Mandy sprinted out of the theater as soon as the credits rolled). Though one eyewitness noticed, “He shushed someone in the theater for laughing too loud, even though I could have sworn his guffaws were the ones overpowering everyone else’s in the theater over the clit joke.” When asked about Mandy Moore’s reaction to the scene, the eyewitness recounted, “I don’t think she noticed. I think Peter Saargard’s flaccid penis magnified on a large movie theater screen was making her uncomfortable.”

-Sources say, Gary Busey was found passed out in an alley behind a Hollywood dive bar last weekend, laying in a pool of his own vomit and urine with his penis exposed. When Robert Downey Jr. was questioned as to why he was found behind a dumpster only six feet away with an empty syringe needle still hanging from his arm, he was quoted as saying, “I suck dick for crack. What’s your point?” An eyewitness at the scene told this reporter, “My Secret Santa got me Robert Downey Jr.’s CD for Christmas last year. I tried to sell it to the used CD store and they gave me a buck sixty for it. I used that money to buy a Mounds bar and a taquito at 7-11. The taquito burned my tongue. I guess I ate it too fast.” Calls to either celebrity’s publicist were not returned.

You Want More?

31. I get scared when I’m laying in the dark and things are too quiet.
32. I always sleep on my side with a pillow between my legs. Ever since I was a little kid.
33. I propositioned the lead singer of a somewhat well-known band and he was willing, but I chickened out.
34. I’m obsessed with my arms and like them when they’re cut.
35. Sometimes when I look people in the eye, I can immediately tell which ones occasionally cry themselves to sleep. And all I want to do is give them a hug.
36. My hands shake when I get nervous.
37. I once offered to read tarot cards for a stranger and she would always call me, asking me if she would gain custody of her kids. And I told her to work out her own feelings first about the divorce, even though I had a dark feeling of dread that she was unraveling and going to hurt her estranged husband.
38. I think women lie too much.
39. I think men lie too much.
40. I think we’re all trapped on this earth.
41. I resent gravity.
42. I think Lee Harvey Oswald killed Kennedy.
43. I think there was more to our beloved ex-president than we’d care to know.
44. I think there were quite a few nights when Jesus sat alone into the wee hours of morning, staring at the sky, wondering what the hell he was doing here and freaked out that maybe he’d gotten in over his head, wondering if maybe all the things he was saying to people was idealistic bullshit, because he was just as scared of this world as everyone else.
45. I wish I wasn’t so afraid of life.
46. I constantly crave Gatorade.
47. I think my brother is gay.
48. I think we hold all of our loved ones as emotional prisoners.
49. I once sat for hours watching a line of ants devour a peach until there was nothing left except a completely clean, pock-marked pit. And I felt a deep sense of loss when the peach was gone.
50. I get severely depressed when people try to get too close to me.
51. I get severely depressed when people go away.
52. I wish there was a pill you could pop for loneliness.
53. My scariest recurring nightmare is the one where my teeth fall out.
54. Sometimes when I hug someone or talk to someone, I’ll just know that this is the last time I’ll ever see them.
55. I envy you all. All of you out there who don’t really exist.
56. There is no time to worry about the inevitable.
57. I think about it all the time.
58. But I still don’t know what it is.
59. Do you?

No, #21 is true. It woke me up in the middle of the night and told me to email my mom, telling me exactly what to say, and that email caught her at a moment when she was entrenched in thoughts of killing herself.

How’s that for intervention?

I have to go to Portland. Colin just told me that during winter, the people just nest and fuck up there when the weather gets cold.