Echo

Conditional love is a terrible weapon parents use to destroy the sanity of their children.

-Jouni Apajalahti

I flew into Michigan on the last flight on Friday, getting into Detroit at 5am. Rie was nice enough to pick me up, and we had coffee at a McDonald’s deciding that we weren’t really tired. We crashed though when we got home. It was nice being back in Ann Arbor and being around Rie and Eric. It reminds me of a past when things were simple.

We dicked around the entire day, then went to Eric’s graduation dinner for the end of his residency. There was an open bar but I didn’t want to drink, so I worked on the same glass of wine for the entire night. It was fun, plenty of dorky hospital jokes, and I thought about how much harder all these people worked than me to become contributing members of society.

We went to an after party at one of the doctor’s houses, and it was pretty boring, until someone brought some absinthe from Spain. I’ve always wanted to try absinthe, but it was disappointing, in that it doesn’t make you hallucinate as much as get really, really drunk because it’s 140 proof. So I had 3 shots and got really, really drunk, and as I usually do, I jumped on email when we got home and I’m sure I wrote things that I will soon regret. The room was spinning for me and Eric put on this kimono with these crazy block designs that made me dizzy. He kept spinning and crashing on the floor. Congrats, Dr. Lee.

We didn’t get up until 3 the next afternoon and had wanted to grill, but there was a thunderstorm outside. We went out for Indian food instead, then watched Spirited Away. I know they’re supposed to be Japanese in the movie, but why do all the characters look like white people?

On Monday, I walked to Rie’s work to have lunch with her at Zingerman’s, then went to Cosi, formerly Caribou Coffee where Cojones was conceived, and sat and wrote while I watched the rain come down outside. Maybe I would like to spend part of my time in Seattle since I love the rain so much. I don’t think I could live there full time though.

Today, I spent most of the day just walking around campus. I laid down on a bench in the diag as it drizzled, thinking about how you can take things for granted. I had a lot of great experiences in college, but I feel like I didn’t fully appreciate what a great time of my life it was in terms of it being a safe place to grow and explore. I wish I hadn’t graduated early, that I had dated more, that I had taken more classes and just lived a slower pace. I guess it’s no different from what I’m doing now. I’ve got one more year in my 20’s, and all I can do is think about the past and the future. What are you hoping to accomplish?

You’ve done more by 28 than most people your age, but you also have to ask yourself what you gave up. I gave up a lot of social growth, a lot of time to make mistakes and discoveries. I think I had to think extra hard about each experience and watch others live their lives, so I could learn from their mistakes as well so I could grow up faster. Wouldn’t I have rather that I experienced these things first hand?

For my 29th year, I would like to separate from my family. I would like to grow and do things for myself. I would like to only care about myself, and figure out who I am, and how I want to present to the world. As Saturn moves through my first house, this is my opportunity to set who I will be for the next 30 years, and I think it’s important that I realize this opportunity. Just have fun, kid. It’s never been something that you’ve been good at.

Fear (by Sia)

My mother’s afraid of the subway
It’s a living bad dream
I hold her hand as the doors close
And she pales and stifles a scream
Ali’s afraid of Ad-libbing
Of improvising at jams
She is not very happy right now
And spends all her money on grams
Ade is afraid of commitment
So Carla dumped him today
She is very disappointed
She was hoping he’d beg her to stay
Ayo he just wants a girlfriend
He’s afraid of dying alone
He doesn’t go out very much
Sits at home a lot getting stoned

You see fear is only holding us back
Look closely amongst all your peeps
There is usually one thing that keeps
Us off track
It is fear, It is fear, It is fear

Ella is worried about her weight
She won’t eat in public anymore
She is fucking her ex again
When they’ve finished
She sleeps on the floor
Nate has a heart of gold
But give it away he will not
His mother abandoned him at ten
It’s a pain he has never forgot
Mary’s afraid of herself
Her sentences often cut half
She will never give her own opinion
She’s afraid that people might laugh
And I am afraid of sharks
I will not swim out past my head
And sometimes I worry
My boyfriend will die
My first love is already dead

You see fear is only holding us back
Look closely amongst all your peeps
There is usually one thing that keeps
Us off track
It is fear, It is fear, It is fear

You see fear is only holding us back
Look closely amongst all your peeps
There is usually one thing that keeps
Us off track
It is fear, It is fear, It is fear

Candy is having a baby
She fears she will be like her mom
Her friends say relax take a
Deep breath
And march to a different drum
Sachas afraid of her Marco
She think’s that it’s all her fault
But if he did what he does to a
Stranger
He’d be locked up and charged
With assault

You see fear is only holding us back
Look closely amongst all your peeps
There is usually one thing that keeps
Us off track
It is fear, It is fear, It is fear