Echo

fuck. fuck fuck fuck.

half of me needs to grow a spine.

half of me needs to stop being so nice.

half of me needs to get my head out of my ass.

looks like i’m off to london in exactly one month.

it’s like this:

you chase a rabbit into a hole, you might discover something wondrous.

you chase a dragon into a cave, you’re going to get fucked.

really think about it.

ghosts aren’t known to lie.

great article on joey dorsey:

http://sports.espn.go.com/espn/columns/story?columnist=forde_pat&id=3308176

the only thing that bugged me was he misuses saturnine. joey dorsey is nothing like someone ruled by saturn. a better description is mercurial. but it cracks me up how joey’s a classic sagittarius. they’re so freakin’ honest.

here’s another victory:

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/23973513/wid/11915773?GT1=31037

oh, it was such a lovely day today. from beginning to the end. everyone was so beautiful today.

time alone

the fact of the matter is, tonight may rank as one of the best nights of my life in terms of contentment level, because i was able to comfortably be alone. brian’s out of town so the house is to myself. i’ve been at the gym and 3rd street promenade and outside of the little korean guy wanting to talk about jesus that i glared off, the woman who handed me a psychic flier that i was rudely dismissive to and the aggro bi-polar Mexican guy at the gym who insisted i give him a hug when i showed up, everyone kept a respectful distance and outside of mutual smiles and nods, left me to my peace.

read. come home, make dinner. so excited about fresh, raw vegetables. watch the first half hour of hitchhiker’s guide to the galaxy which is delightful. mos def has such an endearing childlike quality to him. then just put on a cd i haven’t listened to in a few years, drum & bass. glass of wine, danced in the living room to candlelight.

being alone and feeling whole is the closest feeling to being in love, except it’s a frequency that’s comfortably infinite whereas romantic love, while electric and inspiring, is unsustainable at its initial levels. being content when i’m alone is comforting because stripped of everything, i will always enjoy being in my own company. i enjoy it because it makes me feel content and it puts a constant smile on my face, making me feel positive. i’m curious why people are curious about it. i’m like this sociable person who lives in a cave where good things happen. let’s say this cave is in the middle of…los angeles. i like to come out and watch the world, small talking with friendly people passing by. it’s a nice way to live. but sometimes i go into my cave to work on things, creating ideas out of all the things i’ve seen and felt. if people get really curious and ask in the right way, i’ll be happy to invite them in and show them whatever interesting, random things are happening inside. i’m pretty honest once you’re inside the cave. but if people are rude, obnoxious, aggressive, or act like i’m an idiot, i’m not even acknowledging them and i’m definitely not letting them in. because outside of being sincere and open-minded, i also like people who:

1. don’t steal shit
2. don’t get envious and break shit.
3. don’t refuse to leave.

i don’t always stay in the cave. with the right invitations, i always come out and play. i really don’t think one world (a rich, private inner world) negates the other (public interconnected world), and it’s nice having both.

shit i dropped the ball on my studies. i was supposed to have researched magnets weeks ago, and i needed the analogy badly in a conversation today and i didn’t have it. this is what happens when you’re lazy about a sign.

my dream last night.

serial killer, stalking from room to room.

i was hiding, terrified.

but i was also the killer.

today:

everyone wants to see each other on the same dates, the weekend of the 19th and the weekend of the 26th. i would really like to be there for everyone.

i was upset that i didn’t check my phone for messages earlier.

men are behaving strangely. i think people notice when people are very focused.

a girl flat out hit me in the face today. my lip was bleeding. i just finished my task and conducted myself as though i hadn’t even noticed, then walked out.

strangers are approaching. finding the most weird and random reasons to talk to me. i’m not sure what they want yet. but i’m giving them my number. even though i know they’ll never call. or perhaps not before i’m ready.

came home. focused on symbols. am getting several reports that tiny battles in the name of the positive are being won around the world. this is good. this is a good sign.

keep meaning to look up quantum entanglement.

i think i’m going to be a warrior again.

smile.

why do i like spending time alone.

well, somewhere in that big astrological tarot rant below it’s expressed rather poetically, but i think there’s also a far more selfish reason. many people live in their own private hells, and i don’t want to spend time in it. everyone has a little collection of tragedies, a darkness from the past they don’t wish to revisit. some people get more pleasure of carrying them along wherever they go. regardless, if you’ve been through your own personal hell, and are surrounded by people who want to share their personal hell, for god’s sake, don’t take it on. even to be polite.

and i’m also very good at disappearing and reappearing. that’s something i quite enjoy, so you can’t really do that without being alone sometimes.

wtf.

so i just posted about my big breakthroughs in knowledge last night. i was too tired to post about it last night, and david wasn’t on IM when i was excited about it so i figured i would just ask him in the morning if he’d had an interesting night himself.

so i posted what i posted below, and then turned my messenger on, and these messages from him from earlier this morning when I was sleeping popped up.

david sent 4/2/2008 8:27 AM:
hello julia

david sent 4/2/2008 8:27 AM:
what a strange feeling i am having today

david sent 4/2/2008 8:30 AM:
its like you’re with me now

david sent 4/2/2008 8:30 AM:
its like you’re looking at me

david sent 4/2/2008 8:30 AM:
sometimes even in me

david sent 4/2/2008 8:30 AM:
you feel so close

david sent 4/2/2008 8:31 AM:
when i shut my eyes i can see you. your in the room with me!

david sent 4/2/2008 8:31 AM:
very strange i have never had this feeling before

david sent 4/2/2008 8:36 AM:
its such an amazing feeling!

david sent 4/2/2008 8:37 AM:
i can feel your happiness and joy and your smiling so much!

david sent 4/2/2008 8:38 AM:
and thats how it’s making me feel too!)))

david sent 4/2/2008 8:39 AM:
o.k. julia i am off out now for a run and then to the shops and maybe shoot some hoops

david sent 4/2/2008 8:39 AM:
i will be online later if your about if not no worries

david sent 4/2/2008 8:39 AM:
i hope you have as good a day as i am having))!!))

*****
this is particularly weird, because the last thing in my mind last night before i fell asleep, i was trying to imagine a way in which i would be able to go to amsterdam and observe david without him knowing it to figure out who and what he really is.

i also have another theory that i’ve always believed, that i actually travel places when i’m sleeping and dreaming. anyone who has tried to wake me up and has seen me make that discombobulated transition back into this world knows that i’m an astoundingly deep sleeper who has serious trouble getting back into this world if i’m not ready.

One other major thing I discovered last night.

In my guidance area, I had the Lovers card upside down, separated by the 4 of Disks, and then 4 of Wands (Completion) upside down on the other side.

The 4 of Disks shows a perfectly balanced castle from a bird’s eye view, surrounded by a moat. Strong, stable and symmetrical. This is the card of Power, though usually associated with earthly power and no more.

What if we all have other halves and somehow, it’s in our separation and projected energy in reaching out for each other that we create Power and balance. We make that Power transcendental by the electricity of engaged but separated polarities. Perhaps that’s why so many soulmates, when united, find themselves cast into the powerless realm of mortals, yet the power of attraction when the circle has not been completed creates this hot, consuming dynamism that can make people do things that are normally beyond their capability or scope.

Perhaps, if you harness the power generated between polarities, there is an energetic way to actually introduce and build the solid, stable foundation of a new reality in which you and others may live.

wow. last night i made a big discovery. everything i’ve been talking about in terms of mirroring and life path was confirmed by a book i’ve already owned but never read.

it started with my analysis of that egyptian graffiti, trying to put identities to the characters involved. once i realized the hooded woman was isis (goddess of life) and the male holding the male part of the mars equation was thoth (representing mercury, gemini and writing), i realized i was reading exactly about these people right now in this random book i had decided to take with me and read in germany, about how patriarchal religious orders and writing took power away from goddesses and the goddess power within women.

the only tarot deck i can use is the thoth deck, based on aleister crowley’s update of the medieval tarot, incorporating symbols and ideas from various religions as well as science, mathematics, philosophy and anthropology. i particularly find it easier to intuit meaning because it uses astrology symbols and concepts which i’ve worked hard over the years to create a personal language for to translate it into emotional, intellectual and spiritual colors and textures which i can then communicate. (for people who balk at the name aleister crowley, separate the messenger from the message).

so i went back to my deck, which i haven’t looked at in several months. on impulse, i wanted to pull out cards with colors and textures that i felt were indicative of david, who believes he is my spiritual mirror. my other half. my polarity. i selected cards based only on artwork, not by astrological association since i know all his personal planets and didn’t want to be biased (he was very easy to intuit. in fact i had corrected him on his time of birth. he told me he was born at 8am and when i checked, i told him i didn’t think so. he had heavy 4th house energy so i told him i wouldn’t be surprised if he was actually born at 8pm which would put his sun, venus and mars in the 4th house, so i switched his chart to that. he checked with his mother and turns out i was right).

so i pulled the Lovers:

Art:

the 6 of Wands:

and the Sun:

The 6 of Wands is the closest in color and texture to his energy. Intellectual expression of fire. This card most represents what he looks like to me. Incidentally, he does have Mercury in Sagittarius. But then, I just noticed right now the rainbow at the top of the card and it makes me think of my Valentine’s Day discovery of something I want. I still will not give credence to this yet and will see how it unfolds.

The Sun was the color around him when I saw him at the train station in Berlin. While waiting, I was scared I wouldn’t recognize him. But when I saw this energy radiating from within him, I immediately recognized what he was.

The other two, I chose to represent the forces between us, the colors and textures I perceive when I look at the two of us as a unit.

After having this deck for most of my 20’s and reading based on intuition and my own meditation, I actually decided to read the booklet and was shocked by how prepared I was to understand certain concepts because of the journey I had been on and the book I was reading.

The Tarot represents, in symbolic form, an inheritance which is universal. It is the knowledge which man has inherited concerning the world in which he lives and the forces at work in it.

The history of comparative religions shows that, allowing for variations due to climatic and other local causes, man’s conception of his relation to God, the Life-Force, or whatever term we may safely employ, has followed the same broad outlines among all peoples. The Tarot is a record of the spiritual journey of Man and the rituals by which at each stage those capable of understanding the sign-posts are admitted to initiation. It is not therefore to be supposed that a tradition common to the human race can be ascribed to any particular nation or epoch. All that can be described with assurance is the way in which the Tarot has been used at different times by different people.


I spent the last year asking people to look out for signs, and I’ve been following them, all these synchronicities and coincidences. And now I’m amidst studying how we were tricked into thinking that power resided not only within a select few, but in men only, not women.

So back to the matter at hand. I still don’t trust him, even though he tells me that whether I’m willing to believe it now or not, one day, I’m going to find out that we’re two halves and when we come together, it will be powerful because it will make the universe happy because a circle is complete. He says I am the key and he is the lock, and we can do great, positive things.

So I remember this, and while I do know we’re astrological opposites (Gemini/Sagittarius) and that I rarely interact with Sags and have never dated one (it’s the only sign I haven’t gotten intimately involved with on any level), I do know that it’s a strange sort of mirror connection that I demand to be verified. My Scorpio had once told me that we each had a key so now we just had to turn them to unleash power but I was refusing it, but I think I intuitively did so because I didn’t feel he was the fit, even though he understood power. I felt like he was a wolf in sheep’s clothing trying to convince me he was the other half so that I would open the door.

So I look up Art and what I never realized, is it’s the second alchemical card, in which the Lovers are united in an androgyne figure, the Prince becoming white and the Princess black, the red lion white, the white eagle red and the cup is lighting the torch. There is a crucible engraved with a raven standing on a skull which holds the seething elements whose iridescent bubbles are reflected by the rainbow overhead. All these typify the destruction of two elements at the birth of a third. The inscription on the rainbow is the alchemical mandage, “Visita interiora terrae rectificando invenies occultem lapidem.”

What is the first? The other cards I pulled, the Lovers.

This is an alchemical card illustrating the marriage or union of two opposites, thus we have the prince and princess holding the wand and the cup. Cain and Abel, Lilith and Eve. The swords at the back suggest the intellectual process in the uniting of two elements. The figure of the Creator blesses this deliberate synthesis. The alchemical white eagle of salt and the red eagle of sulphur, the Egg of wisdom and the winged wand of Osiris are at the bottom of the card.

“The Creator” is actually the “Hermit” which I’ll get into later. But as I ponder that these two cards tha
t I pulled are the only two cards representing alchemy in the deck and how when we first met, David wanted to tell me that he didn’t believe in magic even though he’d just read a very interesting book, The Alchemist, and throughout the night, his mind kept going back to it. I was gentle about it and let him make his own discovery of his own awareness.

But as I was reading these things and taking in the cards in this new light, I suddenly notice the astrological symbols associated with each card.

The Lovers = Gemini
Art = Sagittarius

That Gemini/Sag opposition again, the one I am exploring for the first time. Opposites creating alchemy. Polarities joining together, then giving up of two individuals for the synthesis of a powerful 3rd through transcendental transformation. But very specifically, the most intellectual opposition in the cycle, the one that brings forth new realities and knowledge.

So I have to verify further. I pull out my accompanying handbook for this deck that I had bought when I got it but never read because I wanted to build my own connection with the deck.

First, the Lovers:

The Lovers remind us that in every relationship, whether it be a friend, family member or colleague, or a deep-love one, what is required is: child-like innocence, curiosity and playfulness, represented by children on the card; loyalty and commitment, represented by the couple facing each other; and the gift of spaciousness–the allowing of space for contemplation, introspection and the need for being alone, necessary for any relationship–which is represented by the Hermit, who is giving the couple a blessing. This is the only symbol, other than the Hermit symbol itself, where the Hermit appears. In the background of the card are iron gates, symbolizing the Lovers’ need not to be limited, restricted, barred or restrained in their relationships, and also symbolizing a line from the I Ching, the Oriental Book of Changes, which says: But when two people are at one in their inmost hearts, they shatter even the strength of iron or bronze; and when two people understand each other in their inmost hearts, their words are sweet and strong, like the fragrance of orchids.

The Lovers symbol represents to us the different kinds of relationship lines or the different kinds of bonding that we can experience within our life, and the responsibility that is incurred with different relationship lines. Regardless of the type of relationship that we have, either with people, ideas or our creative projects, we will be faced in any of our relationship lines with the principle of duality, or principles of good and evil that are found within our nature. Another way of representing good and evil would be the light or the dark, or that which is known or unknown within us, or that which is considered positive or negative within us. The principle of duality is represented by the children at the base of the card, symbolizing the Yin and the Yang within our nature, or the dynamic and magnetic within our nature, or the light and the dark within our nature.


In the I Ching hexagram of Break-Through, we have an important statement about how to resolve the struggle of good and evil, or opposites, that might be apparent within our natures. The I Ching says: Even a single passion still lurking in the heart has power to obscure reason. Passion and reason cannot exist side by side. Therefore, fight without quarter is necessary if the good is to prevail. In a resolute struggle of the good against evil, there are, however, definite rules that must not be discarded if good is to succeed. First, resolution must be based on a union of strength and friendliness. Second, a compromise with evil is not possible: evil must under all circumstances be openly discredited. Nor must our own passions and shortcomings be glossed over. Third, the struggle must not be carried on directly by force. If evil is branded, it thinks of weapons, and if we do it the favor of fighting against it blow for blow, we lose in the end because thus we ourselves get entangled in hatred and passion. Therefore, it is important to begin at home, to be on guard in our own persons against the faults that we have branded. In this way, finding no opponent, the sharp edges of the weapons of evil become dulled. For the same reasons we should not combat our own faults directly. As long as we wrestle with them, they continue victorious. Finally, the best way to fight evil is to make energetic progress in the good.

The energetic progress of the good within our natures is represented by the four tools that are held by each of the children. In times of darkness, which is represented by the child that is the dark figure, it is important that we trust our intuition, which is represented by the club or the wand; and that we have right attitude in our beliefs and thinking, which is represented by the spear or the sword he holds. In times of positivity, it is important that we follow what has heart and meaning, which is the cup held by the child that is the white figure; and that we also through our actions and behavior, implement what has passion and heart for us, which is symbolized by the cluster of pine cones or flowers that the other child holds, representative of the disks in the Tarot deck.

Essentially, the Lovers archetype reminds us that fundamental sincerity is the only proper basis for forming relationships of any kind.

So I read all that, and it resonated within what I’ve been thinking and talking about lately, especially evil and the battle between good and evil.

Then Art:

This symbol represents the universal principle of integration, synthesis and synergy. In order to come into the artistry of who we are, it is important to balance the apparent paradoxes, oppositions or polarities within our nature. Every symbol on this card represents the union of opposition which creates something new.

This is the Sagittarius symbol which is represented by the arrow going up the central part of the figure. Sagittarius reminds us it is through our life visions and dreams that we fully express the artistry of who we are as well as resolve any apparent conflicts or opposition within our nature.

The light and dark of our nature needs to be incorporated before we can fully express who we are. This is represented by the light and dark arms and faces which, when combined, create the balanced and tempered Being.

When I saw that you can also find your card based on your soul number, I looked up mine, 9, and it came back to the Hermit. And suddenly, many things that have been happening since last May made sense:

The Hermit is your life-time spiritual symbol. You have a deep regard for order and harmony in your life which is represented by the Virgo aspect of this symbol. You have a deep love for quietude and time spent alone. You can be around many people and situations as long as you have a feeling of psychological, emotional and environmental space. You will withdraw and be like a Hermit under two conditions: 1) whenever you feel limited, restricted or restrained, you will leave and take the space that you need; clasutrophobic situations are unbearable to you; and 2) whenever situations become too chaotic, disharmonious, and disorganized, you will remove yourself because of the inherent love of balance, beauty and harmony that you revere and desire in your life.

People will put you in leadership positions whether you want to be there or not because of the respect and integrity that you command and model. You are unwilling to communicate or lead in any situation where you have not had direct experience of some kind.

You want to make sure that old business from the past is complete before you move forward, which is symbolized by the three-headed Cerberus. You are gifted in assis
ting others in making transitions either in completing and ending situations (the Cerberus) or initiating and starting new beginnings (the Orphic Egg, the snake wrapping the egg).

You are a natural way-shower and lantern-bearer to people in transitions and in helping others discover and honor the internal essence of who they are. Hermit people live and model their spirituality and are not prone to talk about spiritual issues randomly. You are deeply philosophical and value the time that you have to be alone in activities that give you comfort and nourishment.

Like quitting your job so you can hang out with your blog, wander the cities on foot for inspiration, ideas and concepts to give you a versatile vocabulary for reaching into others, and help strangers break out of spiritual/existential ruts.

The fact that all the knowledge I gathered on my trip led me right back to my most prized possession and a book that had grown dusty on my shelf makes me think that I’m on the right path. It talks about how to recognize mirrors in other people and surroundings to help you understand concepts and inner dynamics, but I won’t get into it because I’ve already talked about a lot of this stuff. But it felt really good to see confirmed in writing, a tool that I’ve recently discovered and awakened.

I do believe the more positive projectors we can wake up, people who have the magnetism to affect others and their surroundings with positive energy and will, the more we will see the balance of the world reach closer towards equilibrium.

I have to watch this show NOW.

i have a theory.

how many children of the 80’s have memories of being gassed with nitrous oxide by that fucker, the dentist.

and maybe he even gave you one of these:

yeah, there’s my girl. that red one right there.

so to recap, a doctor gets you high, distracts you with random, fantastical images as he inflicts great pain and terror on you. and this was a condoned societal ritual.

it’s like they begged for a generation of stoners.

someone asked me today, when are you going to start working?

and i said, i don’t know. whenever i feel like it.

the idea of a job is unfathomable to me right now. i feel like i survived a shark tank. why would i jump back in?

but i’ve been working. like hell, i’ve been working.

one thing i do know. i won’t go back to a job until i stop being so angry.

it’s so curious to me, how the heavier my inner anger, the nicer i am outwardly. my anger actually makes me kind. somehow i become more civil.

like i said, i think that’s how mars energy works. you can either fuck or fight.

so while i’m sitting here glaring down my job sector, much of it out of spite, something outside of that storyline got more interesting.

sometimes when you chase a rabbit down the darkness of a hole, your legs pounding after it, your mind needling with electricity, there will be this moment where you’re suddenly slapped in the face with panic, realizing…did i remember the way so i can get back? it’s one of those massive “oh fuck” moments that makes your legs weak and your body tingle as it stops you in your tracks, like realizing you’ve lost your keys but only eight times worse. you’re scared to turn around and realize you don’t recognize the entire scene behind you.

yet there’s a part of you that thinks it knows something. there’s a voice inside you that says, maybe if you catch the rabbit, he’ll let you see what he is and write about him, and there’s something triumphant in that. sometimes in a prism of a slight moment, a person is presented with a choice that could change his life. and sometimes before he’s even aware, he’ll leave his way home at the hands of faith, and run after where he last saw himself disappear.

my real estate agent just sent me a listing showing that my downstairs neighbor is trying to rent out her place for $6300 a month. I think she smokes crack.