Echo

last night was like getting dropped off a cliff emotionally into dark, swirling waters filled with memories and bad feelings. i haven’t experienced anything like that in probably years. it made me physically weak and psychically lose sight of projected futures, feeling as though all the tools i’ve amassed and thoughts that give me strength were slowly being erased from my memory.

i went to the gym to play basketball and i felt heavy. i even weighed myself to see if it was physical but the scale did not give me any answers. we played a team that had negative energy and it seemed to make everyone on our side frazzled, playing out of our element. i saw b and mike dig deep and pull out heart and fire to keep our team close. they were captivating today. in the end, i felt like i had failed them. i just felt so heavy and i couldn’t shake it, couldn’t take it off so it was messing with my timing. it’s like how i said last night, sometimes you can be two things simultaneously–tired and happy, then exhausted and happy, then nothing at all. it felt like that’s what happened last night. and then i vanished from myself, leaving the me that was left in a panic.

where did she go?

i went out to lunch with the guys. they’re good people and i appreciate them. but got home, and you know…home is not the most positive place right now. so i’d decided last night that i’m going to isolate myself somewhere and force myself to write, so the first thing i did was look up hotels in portland and seattle…i want someplace that’s raining…but none of the hotels looked inspiring. then i decided on big sur.

aubrey had wanted to plan a group creative retreat at big sur because there’s both an ocean and a forest which creates a kind of natural balance to coax out creativity. since he got engaged, that idea has fallen to the wayside. but why not still go? it sounded amazing.

so i booked a cabin and will be leaving for it tomorrow. i have only one objective, which is to get the novel squared away. and to get away from things so that when i come back, i will have fresh eyes.

because you go into the woods a boy, and you come out a ma- wait. that’s not what i’m trying to say here. but i think this is another test and i’m ready to kick ass on this one.

and as she began to silently cry into her hands, on the other side of the world, came a sudden torrential downpour.

secrets kill. maybe not you. maybe somebody else.

i can’t let go of it. as long as a part of me really wonders if certain aspects of life and relationships became unattainable to me because of events 7 years ago, gone before i even realized the long-term magnitude in the moment, i can’t let go of the anger. all it takes is for someone’s offhand or intentional comment to reopen that door and there it all is, refusing to be ignored. that anger seems to mark everything. say the wrong thing and suddenly i can’t tell if you’re a friend or enemy. and the problem is, i know some people do it intentionally and it makes me less tolerant of when people do it unwittingly.

maybe that is my ultimate wish. for people to be kind, but leave me alone. because it’s tiresome to always have this shit pop up and have to put it away by myself, because really, there are certain things that a person can only deal with by themselves. and i get so mad at myself in times when i become optimistic, when i think, no–parts of my life did not end years ago, only to find out, what is available to others may never be available to me. i don’t care if other people are happy in those ways. good for them because everyone deserves having something like that if they can get it. but i’ll just do other things that will make me happy. but i just don’t want this shit rubbed in my face anymore. i know people don’t mean harm, that they don’t realize. and i probably won’t tell them because i’m getting to the point where i never want to talk about it again, even if it means living to a certain degree in emotional isolation. but really, i don’t want to go back to that place anymore.

don’t ask questions that you really don’t want to hear the answers to.

i’m such a masochist, i just can’t help myself sometimes, chasing that dragon.

but i fucking hate myself for it when i do.