Echo

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/24890316/wid/11915829?GT1=40006

soon…

this monkey’s gone to heaven…

http://www.iht.com/articles/2008/05/29/healthscience/brain.php

i’m in the final lap.

june 14, 2008 = 3 = emergence

after that, everything changes. so if you have anything to say or anything you want to know, speak now while this door is open or forever hold your peace.

landed in taiwan yesterday and i can already tell this is a mistake. i was the closest i’ve ever been to a 4-pack…in fact, i was 2 lbs below my driver’s license weight which i haven’t been at since i first passed my driving test at 16…and now i come to the gluttony capital of the world. well, maybe 2nd only to memphis.

we took the 1:30am flight out of san francisco, and then were served two meals on the plane which i tried to sleep through but michael was kind enough to wake me up for. he knows whatever i don’t eat, he gets to spear off my tray so he was making damn sure i was getting served. we landed at 6am taipei time and my mom already had the first 3 meals planned.

we went to the usual place that sells all things greasy and started out with some chinese donuts (those fried sticks) which i won’t eat, egg tortillas, grilled daikon cakes, pot stickers, scallion buns and sweetened soymilk. this set the thre of us back a total of about $5. we walked by a place selling scallion pancakes, but they griddled it on an egg with basil and hot sauce. i think those almost made the trip alone, but again, i could feel all my hard work and determination in striving for this 4-pack slipping through my greasy fingers.

my mom wanted to take us to the hospital to get checked out because it’s cheap here. she wanted me to get my shoulder checked out but i really don’t trust the doctors here, considering i barely trust anyone who’s not a specialist in the states, and not without a 2nd opinion. but this is what happens when you’re born into a family of asian hypochondriacs, so we were all herded into a taxi for a family outing to the hospital, where we all get checked for various things.

first of all, i hate hospitals. i think even if you were otherwise healthy, there’s something about the energy of a hospital that makes people sick. so even if you go in perfectly healthy, if you spend too much time at a hospital, maybe psychosomatically, the place will wear you down. and then, going into an asian hospital, the fact that most of the people are wearing face masks just freaks me out.

it’s like a deli in there. take a number, state your issue and they get you in and out within 5 minutes and the next number pops up on the display. i didn’t like the doctor right away. i told him what hurt and he asked me why i was playing. i ignored him. he tested out my arm and said, this makes it feel like it’s going to pop out, right? i think all this talk that i’d really hurt my arm had me babying it so i was afraid his twisting would hurt, but i realized, no it actually felt stable. i said no, and he asked me if i was sure. i said yes. he did it harder and the only thing that hurt was the deltoid, and when i told him, he said, that can’t be, like i was lying to him and it was the most absurd thing i could have said to him. and i said, well, when it dislocated, the muscle was really sore afterwards and it’s been less than a week since it happened so it makes sense that the muscle would still be sore. he asked me if it hurt in the front and he pushed harder. it was hurting now because he was pushing so hard and i said, no, it still just hurts in the back.

he twists my left arm and surprisingly, it feels the same, minus the muscle soreness.

then he tells me, the ligament is torn and if i ever want to play sports again, i’ll need surgery.

i thought maybe it was the language barrier because what he was saying was absurd, given he was basing this off an xray and a manipulation test that didn’t show joint instability which would point towards a torn ligament. i asked him to explain and he said the same thing. i told him, you can’t tell a torn ligament from just an xray. you need an mri.

then he backpedals and says, well, what i mean is you need to get an mri. but if you’ve stretched your ligament or have torn it, you’re still going to need surgery, unless you want to just quit sports for the rest of your life.

what? what about the wonders of physical therapy?

i think i started getting angry because again, you can’t tell a torn ligament from just xrays and a manual manipulation test that shows no joint instability. plus, it would also depend on which ligament is torn and there are many options before surgery. and it was bothering me that i knew this and the doctor didn’t seem to.

we went back and forth and then he was saying something about how i should come back when the shoulder specialist was in and i think i was talking to him like i thought he was an idiot and the nurse intervened and i just ejected from the conversation and asked for my slip and left.

i was pretty pissed because you just don’t introduce something like that into someone’s reality because it can manifest. if i have to have surgery, i’ll deal with it, but you can’t throw out a diagnosis that serious if you don’t have the facts. you’re a fucking doctor. be a little more responsible.

i guess after i left, my aunt went looking for me and had talked to the nurse. she found me and was like, the nurse told me you need surgery! fucking idiots.

but the truth is, i’ve been thinking a lot about it and a lot of people have been talking to me about it. i really felt that this injury was a warning. i’ve always been very intense about sports and pushing my body, and while i can get away with it while i’m young, at some point, i’ll pay a price for it when i’m older. i want athletic kids and i want to be able to teach them basketball and play with them, and i know i’m going to be an older mom if i do have kids, so i want to be able to chase after them and not be gimpy.

so i think it’s time to try to get really into yoga and/or pilates, or find some other outlet for my energy. the problem is that if i don’t get it out athletically, it gets funneled into my head and then i’m up all night chattering in there and can’t sleep. the problem really goes like this:

i have a high amount of mars energy. mars is passion/aggression or sex drive. you basically have two ways to get it out.

sex is a complicated matter with me. ideally, i think sex is best with someone i have a certain type of chemistry with, a connection that riles up a certain type of passion within me so that i can release that energy in all its intensity. my energy can be pretty intense. for me, there’s a fine balance of things that make a person sexually attractive to me–a combination of wits, intelligence, physical attractiveness and then that big intangible “thing.” i don’t have a particular type, but when i find someone i’m attracted to, it’s like this buzzing in my head until it hits me like lightning, and i know the sex will be really damn good…the kind where it’s all passion, no seperation between where you end and the other person begins. but the difficult thing is, these types of connections are rare and are either there or not. i can’t manufacture it even if i would really like to get it on the regular. it’s just a matter of finding the right person with this type of connection or if they aren’t around…working out A LOT. i’m also very shy in this respect as i’ll never initiate, but usually the people who can connect with me in this way, have a good feeling that the door is there if they open it. it’s a matter of if they want to though, as this type of a connection is a pretty serious surrender to a greater power beyond two people, so it usually gives men who are control freaks conniptions. i’ve learned even if the sexual attraction is great, not to waste my time with these types of guys and as strong as the pull is, i’ll stay away from them.

on the flipside, in between those connections, i think i was programmed like a man. in times when i’m bored, i can have sex without getting emotionally involved and sometimes once i’ve pursued and gotten it from someone, i’m done. it was really about the pursuit. but being a woman, i recognize that’s not always morally attractive, especially since the men sometimes ge
t emotionally attached, so after a lot of messy entanglements when i was younger, i have a lot more self-control about these things. or i’m careful not to piss in my own pool.

i prefer the former to the latter though.

so often that leaves me with no outlet for this energy, thus my need for athletic activity and physical competition. weeks when my energy level is higher, i have to go to the gym twice a day or i can tell i’ll be up all night. and sometimes i’m doing cardio for over 3 hours and it doesn’t make a dent, though my body is wearing down.

i’ve gotta find a more productive solution for this. the key is balance and i think this injury is a warning to me that i need to find a balance. i can’t have all this energy outletted athletically or i’m going to wear down my body too quickly, and i can’t have it all outletted mentally or i’m going to drive myself crazy with the mental chatter and the insomnia. and i don’t need to go out racking up sexual conquests. i think i really just need to find someone i have that specific connection with and get it on the regular, but not so much that i lose focus on everything else in my life, which sometimes happens. then i’ve gotta balance out that energy in the different areas of my life. i think this is something that’s important for me to figure out right now.

in the meantime, i think i want to come home early. i’m supposed to be here until the 8th, but it just feels too long, especially when i’m going through such an important period of my life and i have a lot of work to do.

you know what pisses me off? when some asshole doctor in a foreign country tells me that i’m done with sports for life unless i have surgery on my shoulder for a torn ligament when he doesn’t even do an mri.

it’s not torn. stretched maybe which i can work with, but not torn.

It’s That Time Again…

Sorry guys. I usually give you advanced warning, but the mercury retrograde is upon us again. The official period is May 26 to June 19th, but if you’re a Gemini or Virgo, look out for its effects a week before and after, so don’t sign any contracts or buy electronics until after June 26th. What does this mean for the new iPhone? I would wait a month until after it drops.

This retrograde occurs in Gemini so it’s going to be particularly hard for Geminis, especially since it starts while many of us are having the sun tour our 12th house, or house of karmic ties, and deep, psychological issues. Basically, the 12th house is our emotional well and our blindspot, so anytime the sun tours that house and illuminates it, it draws our attention to our own unresolved psychological issues, unconscious patterns of thinking, feeling and acting and gives us a chance to release these issues so we can move on with less baggage. A mercury retrograde tends to slow things down as well and cause reflection, so this is a perfect time for Geminis to engage in some self-examination and decide what unresolved issues they can and really should let go before they start the new 12 month cycle. And any Gemini’s who are turning 30 this year (I know a handful of you guys!) we’re setting ourselves not only for an upcoming 12 month cycle, but a 29 year cycle so really take time to reflect in the upcoming weeks!

So as usual, a mercury retrograde affects communication, travel, electronics and agreements. Back up your computers and download any information on your cell phones to your computer. Don’t buy any electronics during this period, and don’t sign any contracts. Electronics bought during a retrograde usually have some kind of defect or will have issues, and contracts will have a problem or will turn out to not be advantageous to you. Double check travel plans and expect delays, and watch out for miscommunications between those around you. Take the time to make sure you’re very clear in what you say and write, and if things are misconstrued, have the patience to work through it. Things will get less muddy at the end of the month.

Since this retrograde is in Gemini, everyone will also have a chance to reexamine the way they think and the way they communicate. Perhaps there are more effective means for you to communicate who you are and the things you want, or perhaps some of your thinking was shaped by childhood influences and experiences, and are no longer complementary or productive for who you are now as an adult. Now is the time to slow down, examine who you are and where you’re going, and see what aspects of you aid in your path or detract from it. You have complete control over what you want to change!

Good luck everyone.

pictures from london now up on myspace.

i gave in and saw a doctor who said i was insane to pop my shoulder back in and keep playing. i am now bandaged to the hilt and have to keep my arm in a sling for at least a week, with no basketball for at least a month.

i look retarded with my arm in a sling.

this lady tried to get into it with me today. my mom, brother and i were at a cafe at santana row, this swanky shopping center in san jose. the place was packed with people waiting in line and sitting in the row of tables next to it, so you really had to squeeze by. i got up to get some milk for my tea and i tripped over the foot of this couple’s table because they had pushed their table a little farther out than the others, and it was one of those things where i caught myself but ended up running halfway across the room to keep from falling, a hard task when you have your dominant arm in a sling and are carrying a glass of really hot tea. by the time i regained my balance, i was at least 10 feet away. i heard someone really angry yell, you better say excuse me. it was loud enough to make everyone turn and look. i stopped and turned around. it was this older woman, about 50, white and seemingly self-appointed upper class, indigenous to this shopping area. but the problem with that area is you get a lot of rich people who are arrogantly rich but richly unhappy. she was looking at me like i’d just thrown my tea in her face and she was ready to fight.

it’s really hard for me to back down. it always has been and as much as i work on it, it’s still hard. so she’s glaring at me and i think she expected me to apologize (i’m a clumsy asian girl with her arm in a sling who almost just wiped out so why not), but instead i walk right up to her and say, excuse me?

i don’t think she expected me to confront her, but she’s not willing to back down.

she says in that condescending rich white lady tone, you should be old enough to know when you need to say excuse me.

i smile at her, real slowly like i’m sizing up prey, but i can feel that heat pulse in my chest where if we had been alone in an alley, i would have already grabbed her by the throat.

the guy she was with, a gentler older guy, patted her hand and said, it’s fine, it’s no big deal, then looked at me and said, everything’s okay.

i look at him then at her. i would back down if she backs down, but she’s sitting there looking justified.

i’m sorry i tripped over your table, i said to her, still smiling, but i know what my eyes look like. i leaned down, my eyes directly into hers, inches from her face. i lower my tone. would it make you feel better if i said excuse me while looking you in the eye and shaking your hand? i held out my hand that was in a sling and thrust it inches from her body. it was a power play. my mom said later that when i did that, she wondered if the woman thought i might hit her. my arm may look hurt but my energy was definitely dangerous.

you should have said excuse me, she says, not as sure anymore.

i’ll happily say it now, i said. i’ll be happy to say excuse me and shake your hand if it makes you feel better. My tone is teasing now, but i’m still sizing her up like meat and my eyes are cold.

i’m not going to shake your hand, she says, sitting straight in her chair and backing her body away.

i laugh then say cheerfully, then i guess i don’t need to shake yours!

abruptly turn and walk away.

unfortunately we had the table right next to her. when i walked back, the guy saw me coming and quickly looked down, averting his eyes. i would have smiled at him. i have no beef with him. when i sat down, michael was a little upset so we started talking in chinese about some people who are just nasty, negative people. i was telling my mom that it seems like we have a lot of incidences in this shopping area, and just earlier, michael had accidentally bumped a girl and she had glared at him and then demanded that she and her boyfriend leave. i said, some people just look for fights. i must have said fights in english (sometimes i mix english with chinese, depending on what language provides the most accurate words to convey meaning) and i guess the woman thought we were talking about her, so she starts loudly talking about us.

behind me, i hear her say, “people trying to come into our neighborhood where they don’t belong and start fights with people bigger than they are.”

what she meant by our neighborhood, was “a place for rich people.” what she meant by people who are bigger, was “people who are richer.” I quickly looked at my mom to see what she was wearing, and it was all designer and well put together, and my mom sports some major bling.

i myself am wearing a $500 watch and a four-figure piece of jewelry, but that’s not the point because i don’t care about money or bling… i wear these things because they’re sentimental pieces.

my point is, we didn’t look “not rich.” we didn’t look like this wasn’t “our neighborhood” as well. which leads me to believe this was a racist comment.

but i ignore her because in my mind, if she’s a 50 year old woman who needs to loudly talk shit about people because she’s uncomfortable that they may be talking shit about her in another language, she’s an idiot.

we just keep talking at a polite conversational level, and i purposely say funny things so that we’re laughing. we’re still talking in chinese, so she tries to switch to a different language, too, but i notice the guy was completely silent by now, not even trying to calm her down anymore.

my mom notices a table across the room open up. do you guys want to move, she asks? yes, we say. so we all jovially move to the other table, still chatting away, no one even acknowledging her. we see they get up a few minutes later and leave.

i know i shouldn’t get so hot-headed and walk into confrontations, but i have a bad habit of letting pride take over, especially when the person being stupid is someone i know i can intimidate. i asked my mom if i should have walked away and she said that i could of, but then it was also good that i did it because a lot of asian people would have apologized and backed off whereas the woman could tell i was strong and wasn’t going to take her crap. my mom was happy because she felt like we’d won, that we’d gotten the last word in by ignoring her, then moving to get away from her because we didn’t want to be around her.

i told her that the thing that really bothered me was that neighborhood comment and my mom started telling me about how in life and in business, so much really is measured by success and status, so if you have certain things and dress a certain way, people will be afraid to mess with you. i think that’s true to an extent, that people measure status in those ways.

but i also told her that in a way, it’s good that we weren’t dressed like slobs so she could pull a bullshit money card. but the thing is, if you measure wealth by the level of happiness or contentment in your life, then who do you think is more wealthy…me, or a 50 year-old woman who has to pick fights with strangers at a cafe? clearly she’s an unhappy person who wants to spread it, because people who are happy spread happiness and let the meaningless things slide. if someone had tripped over my table, i would be more likely to apologize and move it out of the way, or let it go. and i’m sure once i had caught my balance and stopped freaking out internally from having almost fallen, i would have turned around and if it looked like i had disrupted them, i would have apologized. but she was a miserable bully and i wasn’t going to back down, but at the end of the day, i think that people who act that way probably don’t have great lives so i’ll go on with mine and let her go on with hers.

i think that was a test though.

i think i could have done better, i could have reduced it to one
polite but dismissive line and walked away which would have given me the situational win, but i didn’t lose on a personal level–i stayed in control of myself, i was polite at every point, and i didn’t back down in a way that was respectful to myself.

it’s funny though. ever since i started consciously living life more positively and avoiding negative people and situations, i haven’t had very many encounters like this. which is why i really think this was a test.

Shia LaDouche.

and the biggest secret of all…the biggest secret of all…

this has been the month of secrets hasn’t it, fellow geminis.

stay strong. we’re the cats that got the mouse.

i’ve been behaving fairly well for a while now, don’t you think?

closing note for tonight…

the thing you think you should be doing, is probably the thing you should be doing.

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/24799880&GT1=43001

I really don’t even know where to begin.

Though I do feel that I would be more terrified being at a beach that collects right feet than one that collects lefts.

my left brain would like to share metacognition with you.

he’s been feeling left out.

i believe not every human being is a sapient being.

but i also believe it can be learned.

when the sun and the moon come together in an eclipse, the planet doesn’t disintegrate.

it’s silly to believe it would, isn’t it?

well, the same goes for the two realms of a person’s inner universe.

the first is the acknowledgment of both realms and the understanding that both are powerful forces.

the second is to understand that these powerful forces belong to you and only you. you have full ownership but ownership only comes fully realized when an understanding of responsibility is developed through wisdom.

the third is that the way to unleash this power, is to unite them.

david im’d me to say good morning today, at the exact time i woke up and got out of bed, going straight to the computer because i had a feeling he was around.

it still amazes me but i’m not as surprised anymore.

it’s really all about circles and completion.

i took some time to myself to meditate today, and i feel that there are friends out there who could really use a good hug.

so i’m sending one to those of you, to let you know i’m thinking about you and sending you support.

i just remembered something.

a couple of weeks ago, i had a really bad shoulder injury (nothing close to today’s but worrisome, nevertheless), but i totally dismissed it. i even refused to ice it, just daring it to hurt. so it didn’t. and i played well the next day, was actually kind of a beast, and no one knew i was injured. it was my secret that day, what was fueling me.

the next day, i was im-ing with david and he was telling me something about happiness and parks and his usual hyper-cheerful stuff, and i guess i wasn’t really paying attention. then he says that he meant to ask me…is there something wrong with your shoulder?

what’s amazing is i had forgotten about my shoulder. so i said, no, i don’t think so.

he asks me if i’m sure. because his right shoulder had been really aching the last couple of days and he had wondered if my shoulder was hurting.

i’m still thinking, nooo…i have no idea…when i remember oh yeah, i had a shoulder injury that i am adamantly denying the existence of. so i say, actually it is hurt, and i tell him about it. he says i should really get it checked out and we continue on to other topics, never acknowledging if it might be unusual for someone to psychically pick up someone’s ailment from a continent away.

well, today i fucked it pretty badly and still, i honestly feel this injury was a warning. i knew i should tell him about it.

so he’s at work and we’re im-ing, and i’m telling him about it and he’s slowly freaking out. he’s telling me me how i have to be careful and i should take the injury more seriously. i’m telling him that i am, and i truly believe i am serious, because otherwise i wouldn’t have told him about it. he’s getting worked up but he’s so polite about it, and he’s at work juggling customers and wanting talk about this and i think he might have snapped at someone for browsing for too long because he was trying to get back on. finally he just calls. he’s kind of laughing and himself when he calls but he’s serious. he says he’d thought about it before if there’s anything i could possibly do that could make him mad and he’d decided he couldn’t think of anything, but that i’d managed to find something that makes him mad, by not taking better care of myself. he’s laughing but serious and i’m laughing but serious, and it was this thing where we’d finally broken through another barrier for a small but vital victory, my fear that he might demand that i be perfect replaced with an insight that this man is happy when he’s taking care of me.

i’m taking you seriously, i told him. everything you’re saying, i’m taking it seriously.

well well well…

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/24777532/?GT1=43001

i was playing basketball today and i could already feel it was going to be a weird day.

the little hispanic guy was at me again, insisting on giving me a hug. even while we played, i think he grabbed me too hard at one point, trying to hug me from behind and i had to buck him off. because I have a massive bruise on my right wrist where he was pinning my arms. i ended up saying i didn’t want him to guard me after we beat his team. he asked me why and i said, because you’re a pervert. i think i was also worried about how physical he was. we went up for a rebound at the same time and i got bumped, and it was one of those things where I got flipped so I was parallel to the ground, and the moment it happened, I knew my legs were spun out from under me and I was going to land on my back. I was able to twist just enough so my left arm took the brunt of the fall, but it was scary. it knocked the wind out of me. of course, i got up right away because i really believe you can’t give a negative reality too much time or opportunity to set in.

i guarded the fast asian kid who wears goggles instead, and i sagged off because i knew the guy making the inbound pass would see him and make the lazy pass in, giving me an easy steal. i saw him see the guy standing in the key and i knew he wasn’t even going to look to see where i was so i jumped as the ball left his hands, a clean, easy steal.

but then something kind of terrible happened. my shoulder, which has been annoyingly popping out and back in the last few months when i raise my arm too fast or when i catch a high pass one-handed, popped out. and for the first time in my life, it didn’t pop back in. it felt like my deltoid had gotten twisted so my shoulder couldn’t get back into the socket. i was holding my arm and trying to figure out which way i would have to jerk it to push it back in, but i couldn’t and i was calmly freaking out because any injury on the basketball court means they call in the “doctor,” and i didn’t want to see the dark dc. this encounter needed to be avoided at all costs. yet the pain was so intense and i was honestly more worried about preventing this encounter.

fuck it hurt. i couldn’t bend my arm or lift it, but somehow, i pushed it back in with a pop. then i shook it out and kept playing. i couldn’t really lift my arm for a while and had no strength, but after a few minutes, my arm did come back to life and make the game-winning shot. a driving bank shot from the right which was an unusual shot for me in and of itself. but i’m glad it ended the game, though i must not have taken it very seriously because i stayed and played another and then went and did some light weights to try to strengthen the areas around my shoulder. but in hindsight, i realize i basically dislocated my shoulder and it got locked out of socket, then i had to pop it back in manually, which is kind of serious, though a little lethal weapon, but without the mel-gibson feather-mullet. i saw a shoulder dislocation happen to a guy on the court once and he was on the floor crying so they had to call the paramedics. i didn’t really think about how serious it was until i was in such pain tonight, i managed to sit through an entire movie and have no recollection of a good hour of it because it was so distracting. i don’t know why i didn’t realize how much pain i was really in.

i have to rest it. it’s a little scary, what happened. it made me realize again how my will is stronger than my body, and i have to be careful because i have an incredible capacity to ignore physical pain, which can be detrimental to my health. i think this is something i really have to start seriously considering.

on a different note, why’s everyone staring at me and commenting that i got tan? i think i look different and people can tell there’s something different about me, but they seem to relate it to the tone of my skin. even when that guy ben, whom i’ve never met, commented on me being tan as though he was surprised that i’d gotten so tan…there’s something they’re seeing that they don’t seem to quite know what they’re seeing, and i can’t figure out what it is.