I have friends I haven’t seen in a long time coming over tonight. They’re going to know that I’ve changed. So I’m just cleaning up, preparing for them, going through old things.
I really need to get my photos organized, especially considering photos, memories, are my most treasured possessions.
Okay, sometimes it’s not really about what actually happened. It’s how you remember things and people that make you stronger.
I’m still irritated at the career sector, but it’s still that intense, simmering stew. I think disappointed is a better word. I still refuse to work for anyone else unless I respect the person. I found my notes for a sales meeting, a sales meeting that dragged on with disorganized bullshit, so I never even got to go over my notes. I look at it and am at first, surprised to find that I actually sound intelligent. Sometimes I feel like I ramble in the most unintelligible ways. But then I think how silly I was to have been so passionate about helping to build a fort when the people around me really didn’t want my help. I guess in those terms, I’m in the process of getting over that.
So that opens up this entire universe of…what now? I’ve recollected all my energies so they’re mine again, and now I want to really take this decision seriously of where I want to put my passions. Will I be happy with the compromise of scattering them in different directions, each one drawing interest from me but nothing that blows my mind and makes me melt inside. Or do I find that one thing, be it a path, idea or person, and devote all of myself to it. One is moderate risk with semi-fulfilling reward (like sex with short-lived foreplay) and the other is like deciding to jump into a well where you just may find something that’s more incredible than the human orgasm, more fulfilling than anything you’ve ever known.
Tell me, is the well half empty, or half full?
I’ve been walking around with a big smile on my face almost constantly. I just…feel good a lot. Yet at the same time, I’m becoming slightly negligent of people. My mind is so focused on making sense of some abstract puzzle that I’m perceiving, that I don’t quite make any efforts socially. My phone always breaks down when I get this way and I lose everyone’s numbers. Even if I want to call them, I would have to make a concerted effort to get their number and I always procrastinate about that. Maybe that’s my way of letting people go for a while to see who’s still around when I come back. There are some people who will love you even when you’re gone. Maybe subconsciously I’m trying to tell myself that now is the time when I focus on my life alone. Maybe this place I’m in right now is like those sunsets in the park behind the house I grew up in, when the sky turns that perfect shade of watermelon and as you’re looking up, all you can smell is the wind through the grass. In that moment, you feel everything is infinite and everything is possible.
So then. What’s next?