Echo

random notes from this week.

a. i have a habit of turning on a tv or putting on a cd in one room, and then wandering into the office to write. then as i’m writing, a part of me is listening to the cd or listening to the tv in the other room. it’s like i’ve unconsciously learned how to use electronic distractions to babysit my inner kid while i work.

b. fight or flight. yes, we know all about that one. but ever since hanging out with colin last year, i’m convinced there’s also a fuck or fight dynamic between people, no matter their genders. i think it runs along what the mars energy symbolizes…sex and aggression run through mars and when energy starts generating between people, they will either fuck or fight, though which one often being to the surprise of both parties involved.

c. i’m a cardio junkie. i played two hours of basketball today, then did an hour of cardio and grudgingly some weights. then i went home and took the best shower, and proclaimed to brian that i feel like i just had the world’s greatest orgy. it can really feel that good sometimes.

d. last month’s villain at the gym was really nice today. so much so, i kept doubting it was the same guy. however, this little punk who looked like the dude from creed was being a dumbass. he kept trying to get into our game and then was trying to organize a 5 on 5, but when this one guy wanted to pick me up for the game, he said, “she’s on your team then.”

hmmm. did you…did you just say what i think you said?

i didn’t really want to play anymore because i had played pretty intensely on sunday and i had tweaked my ankle in the previous game. but as i walked over to monitor the situation, the guy i had been playing with said he wanted me on his team, but the dude from creed called someone else over and said that he was going to be their 5th. my guy said, i already picked her up. and the dude from creed was trying to dismiss it by saying, she’s not playing. so my boy comes over and says, ‘you’re playing right?’

and i looked him in the eye and said calmly in a low tone, ‘now i am. and i’m gonna fuck him up.’

he looked at me for a second to see if i was kidding, then said, ‘let’s fuck him up.’

he was doing everything he could to not be assigned to guard me. but the problem is the little guys hate guarding me because i’m physical, or maybe the universe had already cornered him for me. i was looking at him like bait in a fish tank and nobody was letting him take their place.

the first play of the game, my guy found me on the wing and i hit that shot over scott stapp with the stupid haircut. first basket. it’s always worth more.

he looked irritated and tried to beat me on offense, but i easily got in front of him. his man had the ball on the right perimeter and i knew his guy was going to shoot, but punkass decided he was going to cut in hopes of a pass. so i saw him coming down the lane looking for the pass as the shot went up and i just did what i’ve always done best…boxed out.

i timed it just right to bounce him off my ass onto the ground. my my he was pissed.

the next play down, he came right at me and tried to post up on me. nothing makes me more irritated than a scrawny guy who thinks he can post up on me. so i got low and pushed him out of the key, then pulled the chair on him. oops.

i could have posted up on him but i couldn’t tell if he’s a quick learner and figured out the chair pull. so i drove on him…showing him who had the first step. didn’t make it but that didn’t matter. he’d been beat.

the next time down he came over and under the guise of scrambling for position, he shoves me in the neck. i reflexively throw an elbow at his ear that misses, which was good because it would have broken out into an open fight. all of a sudden, he gets slammed by someone. i look up and it’s the guy who’d apparently agreed to be my sidekick. he winks. then he reaches out his hand and picks creed boy off the ground, saying, ‘sorry, that was a foul. my fault.’

i’m laughing. thanks, man.

the rest of the game the guy avoided any confrontations but he didn’t take another shot. i scored on him a couple of times but i was humble about it. i’d already made my point.

don’t fuck with me.

I love Bill Simmons. I don’t know why more women aren’t openly declaring his writing style mind-tickling.

Then I became curious so I googled, “I love Bill Simmons”

And found this:

http://www.scriptedsports.com/10_19_07_simmons.html

Which is…wow. Good competition.

this is one of the funniest basketball articles this year:

http://sports.espn.go.com/espn/page2/story?page=simmons/080326

“And if that’s not enough, Gregg Popovich went a long way toward erasing the bias against coaches who don’t wear ties during games and look a little sloppy. … Every time he’s yelling at a referee, he looks like some drunk guy at a Martha’s Vineyard wedding who’s furious that the open bar just closed and eventually has to be restrained by two in-laws.”

pictures from germany are up on my myspace.

I had a dream last night that I left my world, my “movie” to participate in another one. I was young again, maybe in college, maybe not but I wasn’t working or going to class. I had borrowed my parents car, but when there was a problem with the tires, I abandoned it and asked some girls to pick me up. They were on their way to meet their boyfriends, these cholos in this hood. I was at this house that didn’t belong to them but that they were squatting in, and I was going through my CDs to put something good in. These guys came back and they wanted to start a gang, like a Fight Club gang. I was familiar with these but I told them there are people here who aren’t loyal and had evil intentions. I knew two for sure, because psychically, I had seen that they were spies for a rival gang. I tell one guy who I know is loyal, and he pulled out these two guys and shoots them in the head. It was brutal. But then this other guy insisted on pulling this other guy out who was a good man, and insisted that he needed to be sacrificed as well. I felt I could have stopped him, but suddenly I was popped out of the scene and I was only watching a movie, where you have no power to stop the scene unfolding. It was like the moment hung in the air, him with the gun in his hand, arm outstretched. Then I saw the gun fire, and seconds later, the sound of a body hit the ground. And it hurt me, deep through my insides, that a good man was killed.

now listening to: gamma meditation – connecting to the infinite

now reading: the alphabet versus the goddess – the conflict between word and image

now drinking: ice water

now feeling: infinite

now wondering: what brian’s doing

now feeling: like wanting to be alone

now googling: i should buy a boat

now reading: some information about hitler

now thinking: how close is evil?

now seeing: a magazine cover on the counter that says scientology is evil.

now worrying:

now thinking: without a job, i am nothing.

now laughing: but it’s so much fun.

now wondering: where everyone is tonight.

now looking:

now wanting to: direct people’s attention to ancient egyptian beliefs.

now wanting: people to understand

now believing: i am scared

lies. every day, i tell lies. except they’re all true in some way.

last night i dreamed that i was in vegas with my family running around somewhere, and had a secret date with the dark dc. we had planned to meet at a restaurant at one of the casinos on the strip, one that was really nice. We were finally going to have a big official date. but i was running around trying to get something done, and the next thing i knew it was 3am. i called him and he told me the restaurant was closed. i realized i’d fucked up and got scared that i wouldn’t get a second chance, but then i remembered, i don’t like the dark dc. there’s no reason why i was supposed to be at a date with him. so i dropped that storyline and just explored the rooms in this casino.

in one of them, a little dry cleaners, i ran into tina fey. i told her i had great respect for her work, especially for surviving as head writer at snl. i figured she’d be dismissive but she was cool. we started joking around and i felt really comfortable around her. but then i knew this was just a dream and even though she’s brilliant, she’s probably not that warm in person, so i said goodbye and floated into another dream, one that had a forest.

so i guess i never finished my story about vegas.

so the wang club. was fucking awful. but an interesting experience, like walking away from a car crash alive.

i had scored weed off one of the strippers rather than give in to a lapdance because we were warned before hand, this was code for them to have sex with you in a private room. but i wanted to give him some kind of business. when we got back to the casino, i went to the bathroom and hollowed out a cigarette, then packed it in there. the girls wanted to have 3am prime rib so we headed to bill’s. cody wanted to smoke with me but she wanted us to do it under the prime rib sign so we could take pictures of it.

there was a lot of confusion organizing so many girls so we got split up into tables. as we walked to ours, this guy grabbed my arm.

‘sit with us,’ he said.

i look down to see three young hispanic guys staring at me. i dismiss them as drunk, horny guys and keep walking.

‘no wait! just a few minutes,’ he says, not letting go of my arm. so i say, ‘just a few minutes.’

i sit down and one guy tries to put his arm around me but i casually intercept and put it on the table, squeezing his hand.

‘listen, if i sit with you guys, i’m gonna drop knowledge on you.’

the guys laugh.

‘what kind of knowledge?’ they ask.

‘serious knowledge. i don’t know if you’re old enough for this. how old are you?’

’24,’ he says. ‘we’re all 24.’

‘naw, you’re babies,’ i said.

’24 is old!’ he says.

‘okay, let me see your id.’

he pulls out his wallet and show’s me his driver’s license and i see that he’s a few weeks younger than my brother. i will always talk to people born close to him in date, because it makes me wonder what he might have been like.

‘so what kind of knowledge do you have?’ he says, part curious, part unbelieving.

so i tell them about women and power, and some girls think they have fake power with men, but men know it and use it to manipulate them. but at the end of the day, if they want to have a good life, they’ll stay away from the women who don’t understand what power is, and find a someone who understands it. because a woman who has power holds life in her hands and could so easily be destructive with it, but knowing this makes her gentle.

i suddenly realize these guys are staring at me. i’m feeling self-conscious.

then the skinny one in the corner says, ‘thank you for that. you really gave us something here.’

i think he might be joking at first.

‘really?’ i say. ‘or are you guys messing with me.’

the guy across from me grabs my hand.

‘no, really. we’ve heard everything you said. i’ve been sitting here eating a salad with no dressing even though the dressing’s right here because i’ve been listening to everything you said.’

the guy next to me who hadn’t said a single word this whole time, suddenly says,

‘we even ordered you fries.’

he points to the fries next to me. the other guy laughs.

‘oh yeah, we did. before you got here. it’s like we anticipated you’d be here so we ordered you something.’

i must be looking at him like he’s crazy because he started laughing.

‘i’m serious! i don’t need fries. my meal comes with fries and these guys won’t eat them.”

i start laughing. this is unreal.

the skinny one pipes up.

‘I know who you are.’

my heart jumps. can he see me?

‘you do?’

the other guy nods. ‘definitely.’

‘who am i?’ i ask, trying to sound more like i’m challenging them rather than on edge for the answer.

‘we’re not gonna say. but we know.’

i think about it. always be gentle.

‘okay,’ i say, though my heart is still beating quickly.

my friend comes over and bends over me, whispering in my ear.

‘is everything okay?’

‘yeah,’ i say. to the guys… ‘i have to go.’

i shake each guy’s hand warmly as i leave, sitting in the booth directly behind them.

i do notice as i sit down, that a guy up the row is looking at me, smiling. i smile and nod at him, but my attention shifts because jessie is telling a story about how she once got caught with grape jelly in her shoes.

i wasn’t hungry anymore so i just drank water. the girls got upset with the waitress because she brought a salad with the wrong dressing. they were making a joke out of it, but the waitress seemed like such a hardworking, sweet girl so i told them how much it probably sucks to work the graveyard shift and be the only waitress, and who cares, it’s just dressing. they were still making fun of her when she came back, so i immediately intercepted her. i asked her if she was from indonesia.

she looked surprised. ‘yes! how did you know?’

‘i was in bali a few months ago. people there had such amazing, beautiful energies, just like yours.’

she smiled such a beautiful, kind smile.

‘thank you. thank you very much for that.’

she walked away, smiling.

a few minutes later, the guy down the row’s friend came back and they stand up to leave. he waits to get my attention, then waves bye to me. i smile and nod again. go back to our conversation.

about 5 minutes later, i see him walk back into the restaurant. i know instantly he’s coming to talk to me. he walks right up to our table, doesn’t even seem to notice the other girls. this surprises me because they’ve already yelled at the waitress so this is definitely a drunk shark tank. but he walks right up to me and says, ‘are you staying at this hotel?’

‘no,’ i say, noticing the girls gaping at him out of the corner of my eye. they’ve gone silent.

‘can i have your phone number? i would like to talk to you.’

i am suddenly fearful for him. he seemed like a nice, shockingly earnest guy who looked mildly shellshocked, but this was a pack of hungry drunk girls waiting for prime rib. these girls will eat him.

‘um…where do you live?’ i ask him. trying to gently get him out of this situation. it’s too bad because i’m usually always willing to talk to people who approach me.

‘colorado,’ he says.

‘oh…i live in los angeles,’ i say. trying to communicate that i’m not interested in anything long distance.

‘oh…uh, okay, ‘ he says. he seems to wake up and suddenly become aware of the room, aware of the boothful of girls gawking at him. he turns and walks swiftly out the door.

the giggling starts immediately and i tell them to be quiet, seriously, wait for him to get out of the room. i told them it’s a very hard thing, what he did and i don’t want to traumatize him by thinking we’re laughing at him.

‘what the hell was that,’ cody asked me.

i knew what it was.

‘i don’t know,’ i said.

‘he looked terrified, but he walked up to you like he knew you…’

‘yeah…that happens a lot with me.’

‘really?’

‘yeah. it’s kind of weird.’

‘well, that was weird,’ raleigh said.

the conversation awkwardly shifts back to whatever was happening before that blip in reality, when i feel a hand reach over and grab my hand. the guy whispers,

‘what was that all about?’

i jump out of my booth and switch to theirs.

‘that guy was watching me talk to you and i think i magnetized him by association. like i was giving you guys a message but somehow he got pulled in, too.’

‘wow, i think you rocked his world,’ he says.

i start laughing.

‘this is a first.’

so i start talking with them again and the conversation is deep. one guy wants to read me.

he says, ‘those girls you’re with. they don’t know who you really are. you hang out with them, you talk to them about shallow stuff
, but they don’t know you.’

‘that’s right,’ i say. ‘they’re my cover.’

‘in fact, this right here, this is the first real conversation you’ve had, probably all weekend.’

‘again, that’s true,’ i say.

he looks under the table at my shoes.

‘you probably like to wear like, jeans and t-shirts, things that are comfortable. and running shoes, and you probably walk around exploring a lot.’

‘when i’m being me, i like being comfortable,’ i say. ‘that’s pretty good.’

we smile at each other. he asks me how they can get in touch with me. i tell them that i usually just disappear. i don’t like people being able to find me. that i figure, if they find me again, then it was meant to be. but who i am now is not who i am in my other world, and for them to find me will put both worlds in the same room and by law of nature, it means one world may be negated and i don’t want that. they are meeting the secret me, and this is the best part. the other world is a cover, a way to get through day to day. it turns out one of them is a radio dj and he’s doing a report about his trip to vegas. i get anxious. i tell him he can’t talk about what i’d told them, but he said he was just going to talk about me, and call me barbary coast. and that when i hear him talking, that i should call him and let him know how to get in touch with me. he tells me when to listen.

i go back to my booth. when they leave, they say goodbye. the guy who had held my hand was staring at me with this intense look, i can’t describe it exactly…but like he was trying to memorize all my details so that he would always remember me.

and i…i looked at him and thought, this may very well be the last time i ever see him.

i guess we both took a picture. and even though i saw his id, i never looked at his name.

afterwards, as we’re leaving, the other girls go to the bathroom. i find our waitress and slip her a $20 bill, even though i’d only had water. one thing i learned when i was in bali was that many people from indonesia go out of the country to work because they support large families back home. whether or not this is true for this girl, i wanted to give her something because i appreciated her for who she was. she had beautiful energy and i felt grateful that she was in the world.

we headed home the next day. you could feel it…this was one of those trips everyone would remember forever, their own experience of it.

the following evening, i could have listened to the radio program to see what would unfold. but the strangest thing happened.

i fell asleep right after work and slept through until the morning.

maybe that’s just the way it happens.

reality resets.

today is a really good day. i’m filled with joy. i woke up to feel the sun rise and am watching the sky darken over the temple as i type this. i’m starting to notice and appreciate cycles, and also flow with them. i’m finding that i am alert in a different way since jumbling up my sleep pattern. it’s like i’m chasing the nighttime and what knowledge it holds.

but i’ve been happy. i’ve been really, really happy. and i hope it makes others happy as well.

brian is splayed out on the green couch in my office when he tells me:

‘you’re evil.’

i stop typing.

‘stop mindfucking people,’ he says.

‘what?!’

i’m truly, okay only kinda, shocked.

‘you know you do it. you have to stop it.’

‘well-‘

‘no.’

‘it’s not exactly-‘

‘no.’

i think.

‘deep down, they get off on it too.’

brian sighs. walks out of the room. he says as he leaves,

‘but it’s not right.’

i put my head down on the desk.

sigh.

go do something else.

i only feel i’m being evil when i know the person i am at this moment is not the person they think they’re talking to.

it’s because i feel i’m tricking people, but i kind of get off on it.

but at the end of the day, who are we really? we’ve gotten so good at creating our puppets, people actually believe they’re real people.

i’m okay with it if you’re okay with it.

but if you ever want a straight story, you just have to ask the right questions.

he told me that people like to tell him their secrets. that he keeps a lot of people’s secrets, and he wanted to know mine. and i knew i had to give it to him, because it was inevitable. this is synched with the fact i had randomly chosen the memory keeper’s daughter as the book i would read into this journey, and it’s all about what happens with secrets. in fact, it was the book i had given him, which surprised me because i hate giving away books. all of it, felt inevitable.

there’s a strong polarity here. this is how magnets work. and with this, great power.

we are direct opposites in the spectrum, supported by astrological data, supported by his sudden statement that we are each other’s other half, supported by my strong and persistent request on this blog for the universe to give me a mirror and my increasingly persistent search to find it.

and then, this. you’re suddenly at a new level, where more is unknown, but an entire new universe opens at your feet. and you’re standing there on this ledge between your old universe and this strange new one, and you know, there’s no going back.

and so you pray with everything you’ve got, that this is a world in which it’s possible to fall up.

so which is my universe, and which is not?

they’re making pants tighter now, right? because i don’t know…cuz i’m not…i don’t wear jeans…

and then, he says IT. the line literally brought me to my knees with laughter. i spent the summer of 2003 showing people this scene, because they just needed to know. apparently coke is a hell of a drug.

that was a beautiful summer.

this is probably one of my favorite secrets, something that always makes me laugh, along with drunk guy.

From 3/19:

In one of my dreams last night, I was hanging out on a lazy afternoon with a good friend of mine. I told her, marriages are like pancakes–you screw up the first one, but the next ones are better. You do it, you figure out your mistakes and the second time around, you know who you are, you know what you want, and you know what’s achievable and what’s not and it’s better. While there are plenty of first marriages that do work because they’ve been built on strong foundations, this learning curve is a major reason why so many first marriages fail and second marriages succeed.

I woke up amused. That was totally a conversation I would have in real life.

I think in hindsight, I was driven by that knowledge. As it neared the end, I secretly hoped my relationship with Reggie was a close enough simulation of a first marriage, because in a way, in hindsight, I did view it as a sacrifice in hopes that whatever came next would be the sum of efforts, knowledge and giving up something that was of great value to pave way for something amazing. Maybe it’ll turn out to be an idealistic pipedream. I don’t know. But I have to be open to the possibility instead of knowingly settling.

I’ve also learned that your history, your memories, your life as you live it now, not as you always imagined it would be…these are all yours. You own it so you have the ownership to do what you want with it. Your life is not perfect because there’s no such thing, but it’s yours. And as with everything, you can either choose to accept it or not. It’s much easier to make changes though, if you accept it. Everything that you’ve experienced, everyone you’ve known, every interaction and thought, belongs to you for better or worse. How you decide to cherish it or not, is also a personal decision.

Some days when I’m alone, I think about my life and I wonder if I’m a good person. I know my core motivations are pure. Nothing makes me happier than making another living person smile and feel warmth. I like protecting those who are not as strong as others, and I like reminding people of their hopes and dreams and personal potentials when they seem to have gotten sidetracked. But these are just these psychic hugs I give people that for whatever reason, seems to make them blossom. The sincerity is real, but the person isn’t exactly there. You’ve been touched by a projection. Because the only thing I ask for in exchange, occasionally demanding it when necessary, is for no attachment. I know that comes off badly sometimes. I know some people have gotten hurt. But the thing is, we had a positive experience together, you got something and I got something, but I can’t be in everyone’s life to the same degree as these interactions. I don’t like getting too attached to too many people because at the end of the day, caring deeply is a responsibility I take seriously.

I need the freedom to get out and meet a lot of different people, to understand human hopes and dreams despite disappointment and pain, and how to use my energy to bring about positive change. I care about people and I love everyone in a broad, spiritual way, the way someone admires the view of a sprawling forest without having to own the trees. But there are always individual people who I’ve accepted into my life, and whether they suspect it or not, to be accepted in my life means I’ve woven you into my emotional fibers. It means that I’ve accepted that someday, when death separates us, it will be a deep and sorrowful loss, but I’ve accepted that consequence, borrowed against a future debilitating pain for the pleasure of caring about you and having you close to my heart. I’ll take your well-being as personally as my own, and I’ll always see the beauty in you and want you to attain everything you want out of life, putting out my energy in ways you may not realize to move you towards that.

It’s important to me that I surround myself with people I truly care about, people I would go to war for, but it doesn’t mean I’m not sincere and genuine to everyone else. I just don’t want to be committed emotionally and spiritually to too many people. And the problem is that after one of these random connections, people don’t always want to let me leave and it becomes messy, sometimes ruining the positive exchange. In turn, that makes me not let as many people in. But if everyone promises to behave and not cling to me and pull me into weird little repressed dramas where I don’t belong, I’m going to try to get more involved with people. Just please…separate the message from the messenger.

Let’s make this a positive experience.

From 3/20:

alright.

i’m back.

like i said, i’ve been taking a final. it’s not so much an exam as a practical.

the good news is i found another one of my soulmates and as comforting and difficult as it was, i know that the experience changed me in a way that i know i can never go back to where i was. the flipside is, i have much work to do.

berlin was interesting, not so much as the city itself, as it was the place that allowed me to break open a side of myself that had previously been buried. it’s a wonderfully artistic, creative city and they’ve left remnants of its previous life and the scars it bears as a reminder of where they’ve been, and a place they hope to never return.

like me.

i look at it though, and i am not sure that my scars are things i can leave behind in the past, even though emotionally, intellectually and spiritually, i have dealt with my pain and left it behind. my body will never let go.

the experience that i have never talked about directly in a coherent manner, i relived, as a ghost in the room hanging over me, demanding attention. it brought me to my knees and despite the presence of a stranger, albeit one who felt like he’d known me his entire life, i wept uncontrollably as i grasped the way the shadow of my past has followed me throughout my adult life, even into this new awakening as i’ve harnessed my power.

i need you to know something.

secrets have secret lives. they burrow into you in ways that you can be consciously aware, even if you refuse to admit the extent of the universes they’ve established inside you. no matter how small or insignificant, a secret can sometimes carry itself to the point that all those around you who care about you can feel it, yet with an intimate psychic agreement, they’ve agreed out of respect and feelings for you never to touch it and bring it out into the open.

but you keep a secret in, and it will kill you.

exactly.

she who gives birth to heaven and earth, knows the orphan, knows the widow, seeks justice for the poor, and shelter for the weak