Echo

time alone

the fact of the matter is, tonight may rank as one of the best nights of my life in terms of contentment level, because i was able to comfortably be alone. brian’s out of town so the house is to myself. i’ve been at the gym and 3rd street promenade and outside of the little korean guy wanting to talk about jesus that i glared off, the woman who handed me a psychic flier that i was rudely dismissive to and the aggro bi-polar Mexican guy at the gym who insisted i give him a hug when i showed up, everyone kept a respectful distance and outside of mutual smiles and nods, left me to my peace.

read. come home, make dinner. so excited about fresh, raw vegetables. watch the first half hour of hitchhiker’s guide to the galaxy which is delightful. mos def has such an endearing childlike quality to him. then just put on a cd i haven’t listened to in a few years, drum & bass. glass of wine, danced in the living room to candlelight.

being alone and feeling whole is the closest feeling to being in love, except it’s a frequency that’s comfortably infinite whereas romantic love, while electric and inspiring, is unsustainable at its initial levels. being content when i’m alone is comforting because stripped of everything, i will always enjoy being in my own company. i enjoy it because it makes me feel content and it puts a constant smile on my face, making me feel positive. i’m curious why people are curious about it. i’m like this sociable person who lives in a cave where good things happen. let’s say this cave is in the middle of…los angeles. i like to come out and watch the world, small talking with friendly people passing by. it’s a nice way to live. but sometimes i go into my cave to work on things, creating ideas out of all the things i’ve seen and felt. if people get really curious and ask in the right way, i’ll be happy to invite them in and show them whatever interesting, random things are happening inside. i’m pretty honest once you’re inside the cave. but if people are rude, obnoxious, aggressive, or act like i’m an idiot, i’m not even acknowledging them and i’m definitely not letting them in. because outside of being sincere and open-minded, i also like people who:

1. don’t steal shit
2. don’t get envious and break shit.
3. don’t refuse to leave.

i don’t always stay in the cave. with the right invitations, i always come out and play. i really don’t think one world (a rich, private inner world) negates the other (public interconnected world), and it’s nice having both.

shit i dropped the ball on my studies. i was supposed to have researched magnets weeks ago, and i needed the analogy badly in a conversation today and i didn’t have it. this is what happens when you’re lazy about a sign.

my dream last night.

serial killer, stalking from room to room.

i was hiding, terrified.

but i was also the killer.

today:

everyone wants to see each other on the same dates, the weekend of the 19th and the weekend of the 26th. i would really like to be there for everyone.

i was upset that i didn’t check my phone for messages earlier.

men are behaving strangely. i think people notice when people are very focused.

a girl flat out hit me in the face today. my lip was bleeding. i just finished my task and conducted myself as though i hadn’t even noticed, then walked out.

strangers are approaching. finding the most weird and random reasons to talk to me. i’m not sure what they want yet. but i’m giving them my number. even though i know they’ll never call. or perhaps not before i’m ready.

came home. focused on symbols. am getting several reports that tiny battles in the name of the positive are being won around the world. this is good. this is a good sign.

keep meaning to look up quantum entanglement.

i think i’m going to be a warrior again.

smile.

why do i like spending time alone.

well, somewhere in that big astrological tarot rant below it’s expressed rather poetically, but i think there’s also a far more selfish reason. many people live in their own private hells, and i don’t want to spend time in it. everyone has a little collection of tragedies, a darkness from the past they don’t wish to revisit. some people get more pleasure of carrying them along wherever they go. regardless, if you’ve been through your own personal hell, and are surrounded by people who want to share their personal hell, for god’s sake, don’t take it on. even to be polite.

and i’m also very good at disappearing and reappearing. that’s something i quite enjoy, so you can’t really do that without being alone sometimes.