Echo

mercury retrograde got a shout out on chelsea handler’s show. that show’s the truth right now.

ghost. i am again

i see something bigger.

i have to follow.

i can see doorways. many choices.

will i finally get to find honesty?

will we finally connect

some people, when faced with disappointment, will take it out on themselves for having wanted too much, when really they should be telling themselves that they deserve more.

“Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.” —Rumi

my man’s got a heart that’s a rock cast in the sea

Step one you say we need to talk
He walks you say sit down it’s just a talk
He smiles politely back at you
You stare politely right on through
Some sort of window to your right
As he goes left and you stay right
Between the lines of fear and blame
You begin to wonder why you came

Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life

Let him know that you know best
Cause after all you do know best
Try to slip past his defense
Without granting innocence
Lay down a list of what is wrong
The things you’ve told him all along
And pray to God he hears you
And pray to God he hears you

As he begins to raise his voice
You lower yours and grant him one last choice
Drive until you lose the road
Or break with the ones you’ve followed
He will do one of two things
He will admit to everything
Or he’ll say he’s just not the same
And you’ll begin to wonder why you came

Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life
Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life

yes! yes! yes! yes! yes!

home!

relieved to be back to who i am.

am going through it all

reflecting

i don’t want to eat for weeks.

am feeling existential

am feeling disconnected

am feeling burdened

am feeling focused

am trying to understand why we can’t get it together everyone getting exactly what they want

am seeing many beautiful people and wanting spring to be a more hopeful time for everyone

am looking for recognition

am back to me

am ecstatic and peaceful.

i have good moments and bad moments each day.

in the good moments, i have great clarity even though it’s sad. i know that i tried my best, my intentions were good, and there was great love there, but at the end of the day, what needs to happen will take time, desire on his part and a great deal of strength and faith to go to places that are daunting and will give him every reason to quit, and it’s a process that i can only support from a distance because it’s a journey into himself, his past and his future he will have to embark without me if something of true value and power is to be brought back. it’s the journey of reintegration and with it, the prize of great wisdom, wholeness, magic and peace. it is hard for me because i know there’s nothing else i can do anymore but wait and see. the things that give me strength are that i know others who have gone into the fear to reclaim themselves and have come back safely, changed and whole with the treasure of greater confidence and peace. my brother. my father. i saw them come through the door.

in quiet moments, i pray to god to give him the strength to do what his heart sees, the faith to believe in himself and his path, and the clarity to know that the obstacles must appear insurmountable and devastating to test how much he wants what he thinks he wants and how much he’s willing to trust and believe. impossible is illusion created by the reign of fear. but sadly, sometimes fear is introduced to our lives so early on, that it feels like death to imagine losing the only companion one has always had in the darkest, loneliest of nights. sometimes fear is the only thing a person knows, a shadow so loyal that it attacks even those who come with light. but clear eyes and full hearts can not lose, fighting their way through darkness.

throughout my life, i’ve dropped many sets of keys into the ocean feeling that if i were to ever find them again, somehow by their mysterious journey through the unknown they would suddenly be capable of opening the right doors. i’ve also known that to believe this is possible, would require a belief in miracles. staring at murky water and an impossible infinity contained only by the sound of something deep inside myself crumbling, i think of miracles. not just the talk and promises of miracles. but the possibility of a true miracle that i can see and feel and know without a doubt.

it’s been a very hard couple of days.

the very hardest thing for me for me to swallow, is that despite the best efforts and the purest of intentions from both david and i, this relationship seemed to bring out the worst in us and we couldn’t seem to stop it. it brought out a level of frustration out of me that made me unrecognizable to myself. mentally and emotionally, it pushed me to places i wouldn’t have believed could exist beforehand but in the end, it is my greatest fear and shame that perhaps i just wasn’t strong enough to withstand this level of stress, and as a result, it may have undone or prevented the healing of old wounds that i wanted for him, wanted so badly for him so that he could finally be free. it makes me feel so ashamed of myself. so defeated. so sad and desperate. i find myself crying a lot. sometimes i don’t know what to believe anymore. sometimes all i can feel is this sour heaviness filling my chest like poison working its way through me, and in those moments when it’s close to the surface, i succumb to such a painful awareness of time, of time’s unidirectional current that makes it so coldly indifferent to human hopes and dreams, that i feel washed under, dragged along rocks forming a million jagged edges.

it has really been really painful to face in the last few days. i feel like i’ve forgotten how to believe.

everyone has weakness. if you think of a person as a full circle, like a single drop of water on a counter, there’s an infinite space within them just as their is an equally infinite space without them. throughout life, forces from the outside will put pressure on the boundaries between this inner and outer world, just as forces from the inside will put pressure on this boundary as they exert themselves or react to mirrors within the outer world.

so much about life and about wisdom, knowledge, strength is about knowing about your specific boundaries, both where they lay and what they entail, and having the ability and discipline to control the flow of energy and entities through this boundaries.

this boundary that encompasses you, your you-ness, has weakpoints. this is the very nature of being human. every person’s weakpoints will differ. the empowerment is understanding your personal weaknesses, places in your boundaries that are more a reactive force due to preprogramming of the past rather than a conscious entity, and functioning at your highest potential despite these weaknesses. it’s this achievement, this acceptance and realization, that allows you to accept your humanness, and from this place, come from your positive power and strength because you know exactly who and what you are.

my strength and my weakness is my passion…my energy. i have more energy than the average person that can be used for positive transformation, but can also become nervous irritation or outright destruction if it’s not properly outletted. i know that when i want something, i can put a great deal of energy, and even when transformational change within the environment, another person or myself does not seem possible, it is this energetic passion in me that defeats the odds and makes it possible. a friend of mine once said that the thing about me is that everyone watches me chase what doesn’t seem possible or realistic. but then the craziest thing is that sometimes i come back with it and it inspires people to wonder if there’s really more to life.

i also recognize this as my weakness. this energy can just as easily become destructive without a positive outlet, and can hurt other people. often, not wanting to turn it outwardly, i take it inward and hurt myself. this energy can reach impossible heights, but if i can’t get it out, it can subvert into something so kinetic that i have no control over it. in fact, sometimes i’m afraid of it. that’s why i’m always fervent about getting it out in the most positive manner possible. sometimes i worry it may one day literally kill me if i get trapped with it in the wrong situation.

with an understanding of myself, i’ve always done my best to keep myself in situations where i can succeed, to avoid situations that can turn my unique strength into a negative. but my weakness has always been other people, my love for other people, my need to help other people whether or not they really want my help or can accept my help.

i feel i have made a grave mistake and for this i am having a hard time dealing with it. i’ve been trying to give it to someone for months now who didn’t want to or couldn’t accept it, and it put both of us in an ugly volatile situation. i never want to go back to that place. even if it means giving up something i treasured dearly, i will never allow myself to be caught in that place again.

the situation itself was a near impossible one. it’s not crazy to want to change someone for positive benefit, but it is crazy to want to change them if they don’t want to or can’t. my parents sat me down and had a long talk with me about kindness and compassion. having good intentions is a noble thing, but pushing someone towards something if they don’t want it or can’t do it is borderline cruel, even if your intentions are completely pure and unselfish. i’ve spent the last few days contemplating how it is that i didn’t see it. i guess i wanted it so bad, i wanted to give him what he wanted so badly and could see how close he was to getting it if he could see things from the right perspective, that i lost who i am. my inherent kindness and compassion turned to cruelty. and that makes me so sad.

i sat in a situation for much too long, letting the stress and frustration get to me. i really did have the best of intentions, and it didn’t make logical sense that we could be so close but so far, that we could be two chemicals that wanted to mix but couldn’t believe how we were inherently combustible. but even though what i was pushing for was not selfish, it was something that was what we both wanted, i was driven to places where the energy became dangerous and because i couldn’t give it away positively in the way i wanted, so it turned on me and swallowed me and those i loved with it. now i feel so terrible because i know i did these things and i can’t take them back. i can’t undo them. i can’t say they weren’t me, even though i know they aren’t who i really am but in a way, what the situation and stress brought out in me. yet i have to accept that i, I, did them, and that knowledge brings me to my knees because these are still my hands, and this is still my heart and i don’t know how we got to this place. because all the good i set out to do with david, all the good i had done, i’m terrified that i’ve destroyed it all. i’ve played into his self-fulfilling prophecy and fear that people can’t be trusted, regardless of how my own trust was wounded, and i’ve become another dark figure when it’s not what i wanted. when i did try so hard, i fought for it so hard, i wanted it for him so badly, to be able to open up and see the world, see that it’s so much bigger than the fear and the hurt and the mistrust, but i let my own wound of mistrust bring me down. and i let us down.

i’m ashamed that i’ve failed myself and those who believed in me for having lost control and not being true to myself and my boundaries, for actions that were not of me and the things i stand for, but of a shadow me that was filled with pain, hurt, mistrust and resentment. i can only face myself and accept that, and try to find the road back to myself again. it’s a hard pill to swallow but there’s no question that i will swallow it because there’s no other alternative. if nothing else, i need to always be able to look myself in the eye. at the end of the day, i know my intentions and i know that people will find there way with or without me towards happiness when they are ready and it’s not for me to push, even if i want it for them sooner rather than later and feel they’re so close. through all this sadness, i’ll always have great love for the ones i love. in t
he meantime, i have to be responsible. i need to work on myself and rebuild myself, otherwise i’m no good for the world.

awesome