it’s been a very hard couple of days.
the very hardest thing for me for me to swallow, is that despite the best efforts and the purest of intentions from both david and i, this relationship seemed to bring out the worst in us and we couldn’t seem to stop it. it brought out a level of frustration out of me that made me unrecognizable to myself. mentally and emotionally, it pushed me to places i wouldn’t have believed could exist beforehand but in the end, it is my greatest fear and shame that perhaps i just wasn’t strong enough to withstand this level of stress, and as a result, it may have undone or prevented the healing of old wounds that i wanted for him, wanted so badly for him so that he could finally be free. it makes me feel so ashamed of myself. so defeated. so sad and desperate. i find myself crying a lot. sometimes i don’t know what to believe anymore. sometimes all i can feel is this sour heaviness filling my chest like poison working its way through me, and in those moments when it’s close to the surface, i succumb to such a painful awareness of time, of time’s unidirectional current that makes it so coldly indifferent to human hopes and dreams, that i feel washed under, dragged along rocks forming a million jagged edges.
it has really been really painful to face in the last few days. i feel like i’ve forgotten how to believe.
everyone has weakness. if you think of a person as a full circle, like a single drop of water on a counter, there’s an infinite space within them just as their is an equally infinite space without them. throughout life, forces from the outside will put pressure on the boundaries between this inner and outer world, just as forces from the inside will put pressure on this boundary as they exert themselves or react to mirrors within the outer world.
so much about life and about wisdom, knowledge, strength is about knowing about your specific boundaries, both where they lay and what they entail, and having the ability and discipline to control the flow of energy and entities through this boundaries.
this boundary that encompasses you, your you-ness, has weakpoints. this is the very nature of being human. every person’s weakpoints will differ. the empowerment is understanding your personal weaknesses, places in your boundaries that are more a reactive force due to preprogramming of the past rather than a conscious entity, and functioning at your highest potential despite these weaknesses. it’s this achievement, this acceptance and realization, that allows you to accept your humanness, and from this place, come from your positive power and strength because you know exactly who and what you are.
my strength and my weakness is my passion…my energy. i have more energy than the average person that can be used for positive transformation, but can also become nervous irritation or outright destruction if it’s not properly outletted. i know that when i want something, i can put a great deal of energy, and even when transformational change within the environment, another person or myself does not seem possible, it is this energetic passion in me that defeats the odds and makes it possible. a friend of mine once said that the thing about me is that everyone watches me chase what doesn’t seem possible or realistic. but then the craziest thing is that sometimes i come back with it and it inspires people to wonder if there’s really more to life.
i also recognize this as my weakness. this energy can just as easily become destructive without a positive outlet, and can hurt other people. often, not wanting to turn it outwardly, i take it inward and hurt myself. this energy can reach impossible heights, but if i can’t get it out, it can subvert into something so kinetic that i have no control over it. in fact, sometimes i’m afraid of it. that’s why i’m always fervent about getting it out in the most positive manner possible. sometimes i worry it may one day literally kill me if i get trapped with it in the wrong situation.
with an understanding of myself, i’ve always done my best to keep myself in situations where i can succeed, to avoid situations that can turn my unique strength into a negative. but my weakness has always been other people, my love for other people, my need to help other people whether or not they really want my help or can accept my help.
i feel i have made a grave mistake and for this i am having a hard time dealing with it. i’ve been trying to give it to someone for months now who didn’t want to or couldn’t accept it, and it put both of us in an ugly volatile situation. i never want to go back to that place. even if it means giving up something i treasured dearly, i will never allow myself to be caught in that place again.
the situation itself was a near impossible one. it’s not crazy to want to change someone for positive benefit, but it is crazy to want to change them if they don’t want to or can’t. my parents sat me down and had a long talk with me about kindness and compassion. having good intentions is a noble thing, but pushing someone towards something if they don’t want it or can’t do it is borderline cruel, even if your intentions are completely pure and unselfish. i’ve spent the last few days contemplating how it is that i didn’t see it. i guess i wanted it so bad, i wanted to give him what he wanted so badly and could see how close he was to getting it if he could see things from the right perspective, that i lost who i am. my inherent kindness and compassion turned to cruelty. and that makes me so sad.
i sat in a situation for much too long, letting the stress and frustration get to me. i really did have the best of intentions, and it didn’t make logical sense that we could be so close but so far, that we could be two chemicals that wanted to mix but couldn’t believe how we were inherently combustible. but even though what i was pushing for was not selfish, it was something that was what we both wanted, i was driven to places where the energy became dangerous and because i couldn’t give it away positively in the way i wanted, so it turned on me and swallowed me and those i loved with it. now i feel so terrible because i know i did these things and i can’t take them back. i can’t undo them. i can’t say they weren’t me, even though i know they aren’t who i really am but in a way, what the situation and stress brought out in me. yet i have to accept that i, I, did them, and that knowledge brings me to my knees because these are still my hands, and this is still my heart and i don’t know how we got to this place. because all the good i set out to do with david, all the good i had done, i’m terrified that i’ve destroyed it all. i’ve played into his self-fulfilling prophecy and fear that people can’t be trusted, regardless of how my own trust was wounded, and i’ve become another dark figure when it’s not what i wanted. when i did try so hard, i fought for it so hard, i wanted it for him so badly, to be able to open up and see the world, see that it’s so much bigger than the fear and the hurt and the mistrust, but i let my own wound of mistrust bring me down. and i let us down.
i’m ashamed that i’ve failed myself and those who believed in me for having lost control and not being true to myself and my boundaries, for actions that were not of me and the things i stand for, but of a shadow me that was filled with pain, hurt, mistrust and resentment. i can only face myself and accept that, and try to find the road back to myself again. it’s a hard pill to swallow but there’s no question that i will swallow it because there’s no other alternative. if nothing else, i need to always be able to look myself in the eye. at the end of the day, i know my intentions and i know that people will find there way with or without me towards happiness when they are ready and it’s not for me to push, even if i want it for them sooner rather than later and feel they’re so close. through all this sadness, i’ll always have great love for the ones i love. in t
he meantime, i have to be responsible. i need to work on myself and rebuild myself, otherwise i’m no good for the world.