Echo

to be honest, i’m a great friend and partner but an uncomfortable girlfriend. i’ve never been comfortable under the label. imagine having to wear a sweater with a tag that kept scratching your neck but you couldn’t take it off. i don’t know how to wear labels.

don’t really know what that word means. i don’t know what a lot of words that make up labels mean. sometimes words are used to store up so many concrete and vague ideas that their entire meaning becomes fuzzy. words have so much power. words have no power. it’s just a matter of intent. words themselves are just the packaging. sometimes i wonder if i avoid relationships because i don’t want to wear a label. i’m not someone’s bitch. i’m not someone’s savior. i’m not 16 years old going boyfriend/girlfriend steady. don’t call me a girl.

okay, i lied. i’m a wonderful girlfriend. i just prefer to be simply introduced by my name.

i like being a friend. i like being a partner. i like being a connection. i like being inspiration. i like being supportive. i like creating storms. i like being a loved one. i like opening eyes. i like being interesting. i like being honest. i like you and you and you…until i don’t like you and you, but give me a bit of space and i’ll come back to liking you. i am not an accessory you keep in your pocket. i am not your college sweetheart. i don’t wear things that are pink and fuzzy, unless i want to wear things that are pink and fuzzy. i won’t hit on your friends. but i probably know what they’re like in bed with more mental ease than you care to believe. i can see the future. but i won’t tell you if you’re in it. you’ll wonder if i think you’re good enough for me and you’ll resent me just for thinking it. i’ll threaten to disappear, maybe one day for good. yet i never fail to be waiting for you, like you’re the only person who completes my world. when you’re down, nobody wraps you in safety like i do. when you’re up, no one tells you how great you are, just for being you. i’m both faithful and loyal, though sometimes errant. i will be so unabashedly open, you will swear somewhere, i’m keeping secrets. you don’t doubt i would kill to protect loved ones. and you know never to steal my credit. when someday i finally trust you, i will cook for you. when we laugh until we cry, you will be convinced we were 6 year-old best friends in a past life. i’ll tell you about my 6 year-old best friend, and you’ll quietly be jealous. i’ll tell you stories about how i terrorized little boys on the playground, and you’ll be horrified over how they probably secretly loved me. i’ll tell you that i’m capable of strange and awesome magic, and you’ll tell me you believe me. you’ve witnessed how the universe seems to align for me. my ego is a giant, sometimes standing in as another person to talk to when i’m lonely. but it’s an honest person, and in quiet moments when i don’t notice, you lift up the curtain to comfort the little girl inside. you love the person you are through my eyes, and friends will tell you you’ve never looked better or happier. and secretly at night, you ask yourself, is it just a matter of time before i lose her. your mother will have high hopes. your mother will be concerned. you wonder if you ever envisioned the mother of your children as a force of nature. your friends will stop calling. your friends wish they had what you have. but you never want to go anywhere. because you’re always going somewhere, in every thought and flight, even in sleep. you will be terrified to disappoint me. i will be terrified to disappoint you. we will find so many adventures around each corner, we won’t have time to wallow in disappointment. we are so tired we rest. we are so bored, we move. you have never been so happy. you have never been so tortured. like lightning striking a bed of feathers, you have never known so much inside so little. only that the person sleeping in your arms is the most extraordinary creature you have ever encountered. and you’ve never felt so alive.

two children of mercury in conversation is like catching fireflies

i should probably not be telling this story, but i hope that my indiscretion is forgiven by those involved.

i have a very good male friend. he is my oldest friend. we have known each other since we were 10 year olds in the 5th grade. i was a little shit when i was younger, bullying the boys. so our paths crossed when i tried to beat them up to get their basketball.

we became friends our last semester of high school as 17 year-olds when we both got jobs at the same restaurant. if you ask him today, he won’t tell you that he didn’t like me in the years between, only that he “didn’t have a problem with me.” that is kind.

we agreed to go to senior prom together as friends but then he ditched me at the last moment because he had an opportunity to go with the swedish exchange student. i was in a pickle and my parents love me a lot so they found a 2nd cousin in los angeles i didn’t really know to fly up and go with me. that was one of those experiences that has kept my ego humble. no one outside of my family knows i had to go to senior prom with my cousin. that’s a blog exclusive!

later he said he wish he’d gone with me because he would have had more fun. even after that, i couldn’t be mad at him, even though it took my parents years to forgive him. when i was younger, i didn’t have the guts not to forgive someone, and now that i’m older, i have the guts to forgive.

he went to la for college and i went to michigan. i graduated a year early and moved to la while he had another year of school left, and i hung out a little with him and his amazing girlfriend, but to be honest i was really depressed when i first got to la and kind of traumatized by my sudden independence, that i locked myself in my apartment and for the most part, disappeared.

over the years, we were always close because we’re both very intelligent, spiritual, emotional deep thinkers. we both feel awkward in the social constraints of a human world. but i always respected him, our friendship and their relationship, and the three of us were good friends.

there was a period about 5 years ago. i don’t remember it exactly, so a lot of this information comes from my mom. he would call me and drop hints about problems in his relationship. he mentioned red flags. i knew he and his girlfriend had gone through their ups and downs but they were great together. i really liked them together. we were both in our hometown one week and he came to see me. i felt really awkward about the meeting, kind of scared of what might be said that could not be taken back. but it was just lunch and after more months went by, things seemed better for them again. they just got married last year.

when we danced together at his wedding, i was so happy because he was so happy. it was one of those mutual tears of happiness moments. later, when i went back to our table, my mom leaned over and whispered, “that was beautiful. i took pictures of your dance so you can see for yourself. another woman might be jealous and threatened by your relationship, but [his wife] is an amazing woman who understands. anyone can see how much you two love each other. it’s a beautiful friendship.”

my friend is a very conscious person. as am i. perhaps there is a draw to be close with someone who is as wonderfully and painfully aware of life and its complexities as you are. there’s an understanding, and such a relief and gratitude for that. but at the end of the day, can two complex people filled with questions find peace in a domestic world lacking answers? or do people who are complex require extraordinarily strong but uncomplicated people to lead them back when their eyes and minds get twisted from exertion, to stroke their hair as they fall asleep, letting the concerns of the world drift away for another day.

my mom always asserts that there had been something on the table, a question of maybe, but because i had refused to acknowledge it and he never asked, it was never formed into words, which is why he and i still have a strong, untainted relationship today. his wife and i also have a wonderful sisterhood. and best of all, i love what they bring out of each other as a couple. they are strong together.

i only want what’s mine. and for my loved ones, i only want what makes them happy. i did not believe as a partner, i could ultimately make him happier than I could make him as a friend. and because i believed that, i was right.

i think the great lesson here is what this guy once told me he learned from my mom:

if you don’t ask, you don’t get.

even when it comes to the things you ask for when you are alone.

Faint light of dawn
I’m listening to you breathing in and breathing out
Needing nothing
You are honey dipped
You are beautiful, floating clouds, soft world
I can’t feel my lips

-Sia, Don’t Bring Me Down

i’ve gotten 2 marriage inquiries from two people who have been in my life. my answers to both were, “we would have to live in separate houses next door to each other.” even though we were currently living together at the times of the discussions.

it makes me wonder, do i really want an unorthodox married living arrangement that accommodates my need for space, or was it just that i wasn’t really into getting that close to these guys, so i analyzed that the best arrangement that would allow a marriage the best chance of positive outcome was if we lived in separate houses?

last week i met an engineer. i was in a really good mood and he was asking about my blog as i was writing, so i started telling him stories about my life. it turned into a 4 hour conversation and was really pleasant. jeff from north carolina. i liked that he acknowledged that i’m very creative, but i’m also very analytical and think like an engineer. i think i’m strong thinking both analytically and existential-conceptually.

therefore, everyone should do as i say. if i’m wrong, we can discuss or amend, but i’m not usually wrong.

it’s very easy for me to love people deeply

hard for me to let people get close to me

perhaps like the debate of person or location

this debate is whether it is the person or the situation i’m really looking for to balance me

My new list of goals for my new home and my new chapter in Seattle. I’d forgotten about it until it came up in conversation today, and I need to print it out and put it on my bathroom mirror. Get ready, Chauncey. When I meet you, I hope you can tell me what the hell your parents were thinking when they named you.

Today I got my first visitor in Seattle. Probably the most unexpected visitor–Christian from the cruise trip to Alaska. I hadn’t heard from him in a while, and I actually thought maybe I wouldn’t…in one of his first emails to me, he’d said our paths seemed very different and he didn’t know if we would see each other again in this lifetime, and in his last email, he’d signed it saying, take good care of yourself. After such a powerful but unexplainable experience on the cruise ship, it really felt like maybe we’d said all that there was to say, and the only thing left was to appreciate having had the connection and move on. I’d written him one more time to thank him for recommending the Little Prince, and that I hoped everything was good for him. I didn’t expect a response and didn’t get one, and have since, just kept my eyes and mind forward and have been trying to honor the inspiration from our connection by making the most of my life and creativity.

I was surprised when I got an email from him a few days ago. His cruise contract was ending and it sounded like he was working through decisions about the next step, so I wrote an email back talking about whatever it is I’m always talking about–believing yourself and defining your goals, etc. He had ended his email with, “How about a cup of tea?” And I finished my email saying that I promised that the next cup of tea I had, I would think of him and send him positive thoughts.

He responded by saying, how about a cup of tea with him, in Seattle.

What.

I wasn’t sure if he was messing with me or being abstract. He’s said before that we owe each other a dance and we’ll have it…someday, somewhere (I actually think I know…I saw a vision of it in my head as soon as I’d read that line. But I’m not allowed to say…not until after it has happened if it really does happen). But this gave me chills. Was he in Seattle? Was he coming to Seattle?

I asked when, and he wrote back, Mondays.

Now I was really confused.

I asked if he was suggesting having a tea party every Monday, and he was still being mysterious, sending me a link to his cruise line, saying that he was going to be in Seattle a couple of Mondays and some Fridays. I checked the site and the only date listed for September was the 28th. I couldn’t believe it. I’d assumed that the ships travel the same routes so his was locked on Vancouver to Alaska. I didn’t realize they have different routes.

Thinking back, I remember that day when I rounded the corner on my way to sign my lease and saw that giant cruise ship (the Infinity) with the X that was the same as the one from the Mercury. I remember thinking that this might be a joke the universe was playing on me, kind of like the Missed Connections paper lantern guy. When I moved into my apartment, I realized that I could even see the Infinity from my balcony. While watching the Infinity last weekend getting ready to depart, I started wondering…what if this is foreshadowing? What if this is a sign? What if…could it happen? (I remember the last note I wrote…”Until we meet again when we least expect it…”) Was it possible? In Seattle? Maybe…no. I couldn’t let myself think that. I was tempted to look up his ship’s schedule, just to know for sure, but I was scared to go down that path, open that door. I wasn’t afraid of what I might learn, but just the fact that I would be letting myself chase a hopeless hope, when I should really be staying on my own path and only pursuing what’s mine. I knew it wasn’t good for me. I’d been warned about not getting distracted…specifically about not playing for something someone doesn’t have so I end up losing. So I thought about it, remembered that he said he was going to Thailand in September when his contract ended, figured he probably wasn’t even on the ship anymore, so it didn’t matter. And I closed the thought.

And then it was the day of the new moon, September 18th. Now 9/18/09 is like 09/09/09 (the 1+8=9), but I figured it would be just a little bit weaker, or maybe things that I had “planted” on 09/09/09 (the day I arrived in Seattle) would come to fruition.

New moons are supposed to be good times to put your wishes out into the universe, to state what you want. On top of that this was a 29 day featuring triple 9’s. Despite the fact that I read that because of the Mercury Retrograde and some other things going on that would make the time period between the 15th-23rd difficult, I was optimistic that it would be a good day.

It started with me finding a $10 bill on the street. I’m very good at losing money from my pockets (ask my mom about the $100 bill I lost once when I was a kid). I rarely find money. So I was kind of suspicious, worried that it was bad luck to spend it. I ended up buying coffee and lunch with it. I sat at the cafe for a few hours, but then when I asked them for the key to the bathroom, the guy asked, “You are a customer, right?” “I’ve been sitting here for 2 hours,” I said. It wasn’t a big deal, that conversation, but it kind of made me feel hollow. Not like a powerful, integrated shadow, the way I like to feel when I’m observing the world, but insignificant and invisible.

That night, I was sitting in my chair, watching the dark water and the distant light from boats. I felt really sad and lonely. I worried that I was disappearing. I thought about the book I was reading, and how this woman would sit up nights, thinking about her husband flying a plane through darkness, and wondering where he is. I thought about what a hard life, to look out into the blackness, and wonder if it has swallowed all that you hold most dear. I thought about Christian, how he was somewhere out there, and wondered if I would ever see him again. Rie had asked me recently if I still think about him or the things that happened on the cruise. I told her yes and no. My mind does constantly drift to that place in time, that connection, but I make a conscious effort to force myself not to indulge in thinking about it, not to disrupt everything as it is in the past. I told her I didn’t have room in my life to cling to things that weren’t even real when I had so many things I needed to do, when ultimately I want something and someone in my life who is real, who is there for me, and who I can be there for. I can’t allow myself to slip into fantasies that might prevent me from finding what’s mine. Someone who I wasn’t even in touch with who was already in a relationship is not mine. Plus, outside of that experience with the first guy I ever dated and I didn’t know he was cheating on his girlfriend, I refuse to go anywhere near toeing the line with people in relationships, which is why even though I have a lot of male friends who are in relationships, their girlfriends trust me. I don’t steal. So I treasure the memory and I treasure his existence out in the world, but I can’t spend time building anything on it. There was nothing concrete with which to lay down any kind of foundation, so I don’t allow myself to think too much about it.

But as I stared out into the water that night, I found myself missing him. New moon, I thought. Put out there what you want.

What did I want? Did I want to see him again?

Yes, a small voice inside me echoed, sadly.

Enough to wish for it in words?

I hesitated. A person should always be careful what he or she wishes for. What if we saw each other again and it negated the beautiful connection we had? What if nothing happened, and I just felt stupid tomorrow morning for trying to drum up magic for things I shouldn’t be concerned with?

It didn’t matter. No one would know but me.

So in my head, I said, I would like to see him again. I would like to know
that we are both real.And in the distance, a train rumbled by.

Later that night, I got an email from him after not having heard from him in months. It was a pleasant surprise but it made me anxious. I think I was feeling a little bit down, so I wasn’t feeling very trusting of the universe, so I put it away to read again later. Then it rained, and that was the night I took pictures at 4am.

Fast forward and I look up his schedule and the only Seattle date listed for September is the 28th. So I’m thinking, cool, I’ll see him next week. I’m shocked, amazed, thinking this is pretty unbelievable, and write him back with my cellphone # to let me know when he’s free.

I go to bed and wake up every hour. I’m having really disjointed dreams, and at one point Brian wakes me up at exactly 3:00am with a text with a line from a Royksopp song. At 4:34am, I wake up again. I note that there’s only 1 clock, but the time adds up to 11. At about 6:20am, I wake up from a dream where I’m trying to help a friend’s girlfriend with something, but she’s acting really resentful towards me and I don’t know why. We’ve always had a good relationship. It was a frustrating dream. I see that dawn is breaking, and go out to the balcony to take a look at the water. I see a cruise ship going by slowly, all lit up in the darkness like a ghost ship. Later, it returns and docks. I go back to bed.

I’m woken up by my cellphone ringing just before 9. It’s a number I don’t recognize. A man asks me if he’s woken me up, and he has, and I think I know who this is but I’m not sure. I ask who this is, and when I hear the accent, I know it’s Christian. He asks me what I see from my balcony. As I’m opening the door, it hits me. “ARE YOU HERE????” I look out and sure enough, there’s a cruise ship at the dock, and it says Celebrity Cruises on the side. “The question is, is that the Celebrity Mercury or the Celebrity Infinity?” he said. I’m so confused. I thought he wasn’t coming in for another week. But…why would he be calling me unless he was really here?

I couldn’t believe it. This man whom I thought I might never see again, was currently TWO BLOCKS away. I don’t think I ever really let myself believe in this reality. It just seemed too surreal and…like asking for too much. Yet, this was what my eyes were reporting.

We met up on the skybridge that connects the cruise terminal to my neighborhood. Walked around, stopped in at Borders where he got me All I Really Need to Know I Learned in Kindergarten by Robert Fulghum (which is ironic because I didn’t go to kindergarten). Had lunch at a french cafe off of Pike’s Market. It was comfortable and happy…it felt like seeing an old dear friend, like picking up ideas and conversation where we had last stopped. Yet…this penetrating feeling of having recovered something that had been thought lost…this feeling that I couldn’t believe this was real, but regardless, it was important to appreciate it because it was here. It was an experience that made me feel thankful. It was an unexpected gift.

To whom it may concern,

Thank you.

Thank you from the bottom of my heart.

WHAT THE FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK??????????????????????????????

No one is going to believe this. I’m almost scared to believe this.

Wow.

Magic really does happen on 22 days.