Echo

i am so melancholy
it’s such a rich feeling

metaphorically speaking…

yes.

if tomorrow, people turn around and start eating people, i’m gonna freak out. but i’m willing to lead a faction of the rebellion.

my first love? probably either a transformer or a gi joe.

the pinnacle of hot? an android ninja who regenerates.

i had very wild and vivid fantasies as a kid.

a world full of robots and ninjas and hot men of action, and the bitchy little dictators who were always messing up the party for the rest of us.

you fight me because you think you’re me, when we’re both me.

truth

boys usually want to lead, even when they don’t know how. the best leader is usually the moment. good leaders know how to make things happen within the natural flow, following the moment.

observe the way the moon leads.

it has wisdom.

come correct or don’t come at all.

approach me as real or don’t approach at all.

One night to be confused
One night to speed up truth
We had a promise made
Four hands and then away
Both under influence
We had divine sense
To know what to say
Mind is a razor blade

-jose gonzalez

whoa. the storming wind just died down like someone turned down the power to a giant fan. that was weird.

the lone operator
the ultimate team player
but totally self-sufficient

in fight club, he was tired all the time because during the times he thought he was sleeping, he was awake as tyler durden.

i am tired all the time because when i’m sleeping, i’m having these dreams where i’m having interactions with people that demand attention. maybe fight club was about a manifestation of an other on the same plane. maybe we manifest just as substantial others on different ones. all i know is, i seem to find the people i meet later on, in those dreams.

have you ever slept with a ghost?

that’s what brought us together.

like moonlit sex in a deserted industrial landscape.

with a ghost.

sing along if you know the words…

I just made you up…to hurt myself.
I just made you up…to hurt myself.
I just made you up…to hurt myself.
I just made you up…to hurt myself.
I just made you up…to hurt myself.

I’m becoming less defined as days go by
Fading away
And well you might say
I’m losing focus
Kinda drifting into the abstract in terms of how I see myself

Sometimes I think I can see right through myself
Sometimes I can see right through myself

Less concerned about fitting into the world
Your world that is
Cause it doesn’t really matter anymore
(no it doesn’t really matter anymore)
No it doesn’t really matter anymore
None of this really matters anymore

Yes I am alone but then again I always was
As far back as I can tell
I think maybe it’s because
Because you were never really real…to begin with.

I just made you up…to hurt myself
I just made you up…to hurt myself
I just made you up…to hurt myself
I just made you up…to hurt myself
I just made you up…to hurt myself

And it worked.
Yes it did!

There is no you
There is only me
There is no you
There is only me
There is no fucking you
There is only me
There is no fucking you
There is only me

Only…
Only…
Only…
Only…

-the question is, does this song come at the beginning or the end? maybe the climax…

letting go:

a confession

the dumbest guy i ever dated was the one who thought he was the smartest.

cheers, moron.

even you get a kind thought, tonight.

so i felt today would be a letting go day. yesterday was the first time i openly talked about what happened with my friend. it has always pissed me off that i was willing to give him such a genuine friendship and he talked so much shit about me. i know it reflected more how he felt about himself than me, but the fact that he did all that because i wouldn’t let him use me as an instrument of implosion was just very disappointing. in deep, quiet places, it did make me sad.

talking about it is probably me letting it go. i can’t let these things diminish my faith that people are inherently kind. that even though our human side does bad things out of fear or not seeing things clearly, i can ultimately trust myself to take care of myself when things don’t seem right. i try to remember that i have a close circle who know me and let me be me, that when people use me for their dramas or bully me into their games, i understand the situation and i deal with it accordingly. i have to remember that it’s not about which people aren’t ready yet, but about those who are.

does your last name add up to 9?

Man, every time I hear that Star Trek theme, I know I used to love this show and watch it a lot. But I can’t for the life of me remember anything about it except for random snaps.

Memory, has always been the most fascinating thing for me. I guess I am at heart a scientist of memory. Maybe a little mad scientist at times. But I just really want to know...

what is my question.

I ask all these questions because I’m trying to figure out my original question. And then the rest of my life is built upon that, in this grand play that is human existence.

My car had a flipout today. Just shorted out, deciding to engage a program that puts it in lock down mode as if someone’s trying to steal it. It locked down outside my gym, with my gym stuff in the trunk. It wouldn’t even allow me to open the trunk manually with a key.

You know what it reminds me of? When my brother flips out. It’s like his brain just short circuits and he needs to close down completely and reboot. And you have to give him the time and space to do that. The less space you have, the more time he needs. The less time we have to keep people away, the more space we need between him and other people. I guess that sheds light on the way I see time and space.

The tow company had to come out and jump me. It was a woman who looked and sounded like a man, but I liked her. She had an honest heart. I told her all the problems I’ve had with it, how it’s possessed like Christine, and then I get worried that she gets mad because she knows how much shit I talk about her. The woman was empathetic though. These cars are like that sometimes, she said. I could tell she was a woman who has seen her share of unbelievable things. Maybe that’s why I liked her.

I missed my building’s movie night. There was gonna be pizza. I actually got home in time to go, but just enjoyed spending time unwinding alone.

I don’t understand exactly what I am, but I give it to you straight. If anything, I’m honest. I do my best with people but people have to be a little forgiving too, because I am a shy person. I believe that the people who claim most aggressively that they don’t know me, are usually the ones who have never really asked me questions to get to know me. But they don’t see that. I am unknowable because I don’t yet know myself, but I am knowable, because my being is honest. And these two sides have waged a life-long colossal battle to touch each other, like two repelling magnets convinced that with enough effort they can touch. I refuse to buy that they can’t. That’s why I said, there’s no greater distance than between two halves of the same whole. They may be the closest to each other, but they are also the furthest away.

We are just projections of opposing polarities. Tension creates energy. Life. Anima. Animus. But each polarity is just as you as the other. You look for each other as hard on the outside as you do on the inside. Some are just more aware of it than others.

looks like i’m gonna watch my first episode of star trek in over 20 years, tomorrow.

email from aubrey:

The episode I’ve been waiting for is coming on Thursday (today-ish). It’s on at 10pm and 11pm here. In Seattle it looks like 11pm, but you’ve got to figure out the channel. Unless of course you don’t have TV, then you’ll have to catch it some other time.

We’d had a spiritual talk the last time we saw each other and something I said reminded him of this episode. I can’t for the life of me remember why this episode had come up in conversation, but he said he would look out for it. I can’t even remember what he’d said it was about. But I remember it had been relevant to the themes we were discussing. I’m intrigued. We had talked about how catching a specific episode when you didn’t know the title, season, etc. was like trying to catch a specific fish in the ocean. And he’s found that it’ll be airing on the date I was just talking about as being a window. I’m definitely intrigued.

Blueberry Italian Soda

I lived with my friend Whitney for years. She’s a Scorpio. She’s where I came up with my theory that Scorpios have a way of making people do things and trying to convince them it was their own idea. She always calls me a Blueberry Italian Soda.

The story goes…

We went out to a cafe once and it was during a period of time when I was into trying different flavors of italian sodas. One day, I ordered a blueberry, and was confounded. I swore it tasted like carbonated milk. Whitney tried it and she didn’t get it. She said that there are some things in life that should be one thing, but just aren’t.

Whitney always swears I’m a Gemini who’s really a Scorpio. That’s why I’m a Blueberry Italian Soda.

And I have to say those Scorpio times (November), are my most creative.

This is a story in the Scorpio theme of restraint.

A couple of years ago, I had a good friend. I cared about him and felt a strong connection with him, but it was platonic. When I found out he was engaged, I didn’t think of him as anything but that. He knew I cared about him and was protective of him (the way I am of my brother), and he had really ambivalent feelings about getting married, so he would drop a lot of hints about being tortured, and resigned to this decision. I had been in a similar situation where a married lesbian friend did that, and soon was trying to use me to leave her wife even though she knew I wasn’t gay. That had been a very demoralizing experience. But I’d recovered and I sure as hell wasn’t getting involved in anything like that again. So I would try to be supportive, and his discussions would get deeper and more desperate. When he found out I’d quit my job and was going to visit Germany, he invited me out to lunch. We had lunch and it was civil, like two friends talking, but he calls me later to tell me he hasn’t gone out with a female friend by himself since he started dating his fiancee, and there’s just something about me. I’m getting that big red flag feeling, so I’m beefing up my boundaries saying that we really connect on a mental level. that’s the only level we should be connecting on, but it’s such a deep, rich level that I think it’s a great addition to our lives.

He hangs up and the next time I talk to him, he tells me he told his fiancee about me and how he’s really “intrigued” by me.

Great, I think. Now she wants to kick my ass.

I knew he’d thrown me under a bus. It was a childish action–he wanted me to be under his control, a tool for his escape if he couldn’t go through with getting married. He was also torturing his fiancee by throwing his ambivalence in her face. Neither is a respectful place to put someone, and it’s not nice.

So I always maintained my boundaries, but I had a soft spot, so I always listened, always tried to give him positive advice but without giving an opinion. He even called me the day before his wedding, telling me that he was convinced that we knew each other in a past life. I told him I agreed, and that we had it in us to be friends for a long time. I wished him luck and congratulated him. I really hoped to see him take responsibility of his own life and sort it out.

And so he went through with the wedding. And by then, I was living in Amsterdam with a ghost who was doing a dog and pony show to convince me that he was my life partner.

To be honest, did I think he was making a mistake? Yes. But only because of the way he was acting. But I am the last person who was going to tell him, and it was pretty unfair of him to try to goad me into a position. But I was still kind to him and positive, down to that last phone call. I did truly care about him. But I wasn’t going to get involved with his life outside of respectful friendship. It wouldn’t have done anyone any good.

And then our final conversation. He’d told me he really needed to talk to me, so I met him on Skype. He said he couldn’t sleep and weird things were happening, and launched into this strange metaphorical conversation that lost me a little. Then he started accusing me.

“People just want to know that you care about them, Julia.”

I was offended. He knew full well I cared about him.

The conversation got stranger.

“You like to fuck people. Your such a dude ;-).
Leave your seed and find the next bitch to fuck.”

?

To be honest, I laughed when I read this. It was so absurd, yet that’s how he sees me.

“You love being that tall dark handsome man that someone falls in love with and disappears forever…”

?

This is the first time I’ve ever been compared to a tall, dark handsome man.

The rest of the conversation, I tried to understand him, I tried to discuss, tried to defend myself against his analysis of me that just didn’t sound like me. He got really aggressive. And then i heard a line in my head from one of my favorite songs…

You can’t talk to a psycho like a normal human being…

I realized, there was no reason for me to even be wasting my energy in this conversation. It wasn’t going anywhere. He was leading it in circles. He had already shown me how he sees me, and even worse, how he was trying to get me to see myself. He was a little boy throwing a tantrum by breaking his toys, even though he was an adult who made his own decisions. If he doesn’t like where his life is, he should have a long, serious talk with management.

That realization was instant relief. I graciously and politely excused myself from the conversation, and all of a sudden he was nice again. I told him I’d talk to him later, even though I knew, closing the window, this would be the last time. This guy wasn’t my friend if he could feel he had the right to try to hurt me just because he was angry I didn’t “save” him from his own life. He was blaming me for his inability to stand up and be his own man.

And I don’t have time to waste on little bitches.

When you kissed my lips with my mouth so full of questions
It’s my worried mind that you quiet
Place your hands on my face
Close my eyes and say
Love is a poor man’s food
Don’t prophesize
I could hold you in my arms
I could hold you forever

-ray lamontagne