Echo

Dear God,
I will eat one of your arrogant little boys for every week that goes by and you don’t show me his face.

Starting tonight.

julia is shadow side rising.

pupils cast over by the dark side of the moon

black

a tingling in my teeth.

i said, “i need music to set the night.”

i said, “find something with teeth.”

found nine inch nails – with teeth.

like a faithful, jealous dog waiting for its owner.

don’t you fucking know what you are…

i’m going out.

be good, she said.

i don’t think so.

julia is waiting for someone who has enough confidence in himself and respect for our short time on earth to impress her.

Get off your asses, people. I’m tired of explaining it. Isn’t my life proof enough? Whatever you’re dreaming of, just do it.

I remember when, I remember, I remember when I lost my mind
There was something so pleasant about that place.
Even your emotions had an echo
In so much space

And when you’re out there
Without care,
Yeah, I was out of touch
But it wasn’t because I didn’t know enough
I just knew too much

Does that make me crazy?
Does that make me crazy?
Does that make me crazy?
Possibly

And I hope that you are having the time of your life
But think twice, that’s my only advice

Come on now, who do you, who do you, who do you, who do you think you are,
Ha ha ha bless your soul
You really think you’re in control

Well, I think you’re crazy
I think you’re crazy
I think you’re crazy
Just like me

My heroes had the heart to lose their lives out on a limb
And all I remember is thinking, I want to be like them
Ever since I was little, ever since I was little it looked like fun
And it’s no coincidence I’ve come
And I can die when I’m done

Maybe I’m crazy
Maybe you’re crazy
Maybe we’re crazy
Probably

My rule of thumb:

When you see a good opportunity, jump.

There’s no bigger crime than taking the things that could bring happiness or possibility into your life for granted.

See all those people sitting with their hand over their eyes, contemplating? Sitting next to them is the shovel they’ve been using to dig their own graves.

Is that a desirable alternative?

Then stop being an idiot.

Dream big. And when you meet your dream on a crowded street, grab it before it disappears into the crowd to fulfill someone else.

Pain.

Joined a coed team called Barrel of Monkeys. I like that it’s a team of mostly scientists. Played two games, lost the first, won the 2nd. I threw two goals and caught one. The field was beautiful…artificial turf which is supposed to be particularly bad for your joints though, and I’ve got turf burn on my thigh, elbow, knee and shin from diving for catches. A lot of fun but I’m going to soak in a bubble bath now. I’m going to be sore in places I never even knew existed tomorrow. Ultimate is played on a soccer field. It’s basically soccer with a frisbee. As someone who never played organized soccer, that field is so much bigger than a basketball court; sprinting up and down it was definitely a physical shock. I did NOT feel like I was in good shape. I think basketball is easier for me because it’s a game of stamina and bursts of speed, not longer distances at top speed.

On my way to play ultimate frisbee! Say a prayer for my knee…

I’m reviewing this year’s blog stats and noticed January was a high number as well. That makes sense because I was detoxing from destructive chemistry. But I found a post where I listed out things I’m looking for in a partner, points that still ring true and I feel are important for me to keep conscious. This must be why very few guys look very “shiny” to me anymore, and I let the majority of the “river” pass. I’ve gotten locked in on what is ultimately good for me:

Saturday, January 24, 2009

woken up the last 3 days to find myself spooning a cat.

i am, of course, the big spoon.

getting used to sleeping alone. probably realizing how much more together my life has been than i’ve ever been able to give myself credit for, but i have a lot more going for me than most people and i have to stop messing around with weak people because i’m hiding from my own strength and potential.

there are a lot of things and people and bad habits i haven’t got time for anymore. i find that i’m still a pretty nice person, but i just don’t have time for bullshit anymore. i don’t want to fix anyone’s life, and i don’t need anyone messing around in mine. everyone should be accountable for themselves…that’s just the way it should be. everything else, ie human connection and companionship, is just the icing.

i recognize i’m missing my partner. i realized the agenda i made a couple of years ago for the year of fearless living, it helped a lot in that life gave me exactly what i put on that list, even if it came in the form of challenges which i actually asked for. so it’s all good. but seeing the power of lists to help me focus, these are what i want in a partner:

1. a strong man. not a hard man. a strong man who is integrated and self-aware so that he knows when to be strong and when to be vulnerable. it takes a lot of inner strength to be vulnerable. so many men who are actually weak inside confuse being hard with being strong. i meet a lot of guys like this because they tend to like strong women, but then they can’t handle them, can’t really be with them. i need a truly strong man.

2. a man with big dreams and the ability to make them a reality. many have dreams, few have follow through. it’s easy to be given something and make more of it. it’s harder to take nothing–a thought, an idea, a desire–and make it into a reality. i’m one of those people who can. i need someone else who can as well. no more big talkers. only doers.

3. a man with a big heart filled with warmth, compassion, humor and kindness. yes, i know i tend to think of leos as boring, but leo energy is quite expansive and uplifting. it’s the best part of me, and it should be the best part of him. that energy that makes those around him better.

4. warm expressive eyes, a million watt smile. dark hair, dark eyes. it’s just what feels like home.

5. a man who’s happy to see me shine. a man who is confident enough in himself that he can be happy for me and my own successes, just as i will be happy for him and his successes. someone who wants me to be me at my best, at my most charismatic and energetic, and is proud. a man who never limits me with his own insecurities.

6. a man with pride in who he is and what he represents. a man of honor and integrity and dignity, who knows that a partnership is built upon a foundation of two whole and strong people to create something even bigger. someone who sees that anything is possible if you believe.

7. honesty. he will be honest, both with himself and with those close to him. he will know that sometimes life presents us with choices, and he’ll be a man who respects himself and respects me enough to always stick to honesty and integrity, even if it’s hard and even if it means facing things that are difficult to face. trust and honesty are the two basic tenets of a healthy relationship. my man will respect that and see this is a core necessity. he’ll be strong enough to face difficult situations and still be open and honest. he’ll trust me as a partner and treat me as his partner. this will show that he’s worthy of trust.

8. a man who can see the short term and the long term, and whose vision includes both himself and others.

9. a man who’s emotionally, mentally and spiritually mature. a man who knows what it means to be up in life and down in life and knows that nothing is guaranteed. and that so many things in life of value need to be worked for, so he’s not afraid to work hard, and respect those around him because life is complicated and people are complicated but at the end of the day, it’s reality. you make the most of what you’ve got, and you have to create or cocreate your success in life, including relationships.

10. a man who is relationship oriented. all of human interaction is in the relationship. if you respect relationships, you respect other people, you’ll respect your own relationship with yourself. relationships are built and nurtured. no way around it.

11. a man who is family oriented. a man who strives for success and financial freedom and stability, but who also understands the importance of family. i have an amazing, warm, supportive family. a family of strong personalities yes, but a family with lots of love and protective kinship. i want my partner to have a strong, loving family background as well so he knows the meaning of acceptance and love.

12. he must be passionate about me. because i will be passionate about him. he must know that i am the only one for him, because he will be the only one for me. the relationship will be mutually committed because there’s no desire for anything else. it will be incredibly sexually compatible and emotionally safe. we will bring out the best in each other.

13. he will love me as much as i love him. that’s a lot of love and it will benefit and positively change even those around us.

14. he will want to get to know me and want me to get to know him on the deepest of levels.

15. preferably, he will be more of a night owl than an early riser.

16. he’s an inherently happy, optimistic person. nothing is scarier than a deeply unhappy person. we all have our ups and downs but people who are deeply unhappy…it’s almost a character flaw. these people have no desire to become happier and will turn down or rebuke any attempt from others to help them find happiness. deeply unhappy people prefer to stay unhappy. they dig bottomless holes. they’re quite dangerous to anyone who wants to live a happy, fulfilling life. i need someone who is a happy person, because it’s inherently happy and optimistic people who are able to be strong and keep their heads above water in times when life gets really difficult.

17. he must be a man. so many men don’t seem to understand what a man is. it is not being hard. it’s not going through the motions. it’s not saying what you would like to do or how you would like to be seen, but having no substance with which to back it up. being a man is about taking responsibility for yourself first and foremost, about knowing when to be strong and when to be gentle. about knowing that when life is difficult, you don’t run away. about knowing that if you love someone, you should treat them as such. being a man means being composed of the highest moral fiber, and knowing when to admit a mistake and when to forgive yourself or others. being a man means knowing you’re human, but still wanting to be the best person you can be and doing right by yourself and others. i really don’t have time for anyone unless they’re a man, first and foremost. all the boys in the world have used up my patience.

18. he is someone i can look at every day and know that he is the one. he is the one who is the answer to my question and to which i am the answer to his question. he’s the one i’ve been looking for, and i’m the one he’s been loo
king for. i’ve almost got myself in the right position. and when i do, he will find me and he’ll already know, and the way i’ll know is that he’s going to ask the right questions.

actually, i do find that more synchronicities tend to happen during a retrograde. especially the phenomenon of thinking about someone, and they either show up or call out of the blue, or some other tie from the past emerges. the reflection in hindsight after the retrograde ends is usually very rich and beneficial to a person’s path ahead. it’s just all the inconveniences when you’re in it that are such a bitch to deal with.

In the Waiting Line by Zero 7 was playing at the cafe when we walked in today. “Good song,” I said to the barista as soon as I realized it, and asked her if she was playing the whole CD, thinking it was Simple Things by Zero 7 (one of the my favorite all-time albums). But the next song was the Shins and I realized it was the Garden State soundtrack. So random that I would know the music because I don’t consider myself to know that much music…just my small world of it, the music that’s tied to my emotions and inner world.

But regardless, the most interesting thing was this. When I was waiting on the stairs under the bridge the other day, I was listening to Simple Things by Zero 7. I remembered how recently, the song Destiny had been one of my moods (the Wed before finding out about the Mercury’s return, in fact). I thought, that would be crazy if he walked up while that song was playing. He didn’t. However, the song that was playing when he walked up, was In the Waiting Line.

The world is synchronized.

Do you believe
In what you see
Motionless wheel
Nothing is real

because aren’t these synchronicities of fate just evidence of the divine?