Echo

One can fool life for a long time, but in the end it always makes us what we were intended to be.

– André Malraux

Loneliness means becoming more sensitive, not alienating oneself from other people. Solitude has always brought and will bring forth thoughts that either abruptly or very gradually change the world, the circumstances we live in, our ways of thinking and relationships between people.

– Mika Waltari

That’s probably the strangest thing about this blog, isn’t it? The more you read, the less you feel you know me. Maybe it’s not noticeable for people who have never met me, strangers who stumble onto the words of my inner world the way they stumble into my path on nights when I’m seeking. But for people who know me in real life, it’s a slow drift in opposite directions.

“You can be quite mysterious to others, even if you don’t mean to be, because your romantic needs are kept hidden.”

Nice. I have $95.97 in my checking account. That has to be a record low for me. I got an email from my Sherman Oaks tenant’s mother. I have been hounding my tenant for rent since she’s 2 months late. Her mother wrote to say that she’s in the hospital having a tumor removed and has been battling cancer. I had no idea. Felt really bad. But she says the backrent is on the way, which is a relief to me. I pray that Jennifer can have a full recovery.

If you open your mind for me
You won’t rely on open eyes to see
The walls you built within
Come tumbling down and a new world will begin
Living twice at once you learn
You’re safe from pain in the dream domain
As soul set free to fly
A round trip journey in your head
Master of illusion, can you realize?
Your dream’s alive, you can be the guide
But…
I will be watching over you
I’m gonna help you see it through
I will protect you in the night
I’m smiling next to you.

–Queensryche, Silent Lucidity

Play to win, kid. Don’t play to not lose.

“the moon controls the waves and our internal sense of timing.”

Hardwired to conceive so much we had to stow it
Even needs have needs
Tiny giants made of tinier giants.

–Modest Mouse, Dashboard

my blog is like an aquarium. but instead of fish, it’s looking to see what kind of words emerge out of the bottom of the ocean.

Some people are always looking for the argument, while some people strive to look for the bridge. Yes, you can say it’s just personality, but then it’s my personality’s preference to meet people who bridge.

When a society exercises reason and compassion, it is reasonable.
When it exercises reason and logic, it is irrational.

she is

aka texas

representing the numbers 9 and 22

aliases: catty gay man/sassy black woman/that voice inside your head

capability: mind control

element: air

will fight for: knowledge, justice

likes: dr. pepper, toys

hates: the word “moist”

there comes a time in your life when you don’t want to be that person anymore. and so you go and be someone else. and that person you like being a lot more.

12:12. Every day, I’m always seeing 12:12.

Halfway between the gutter…and…the stars…

every day that i walk into physical therapy, i’m a different person. i know, because i calculate that.

naughty naughty naughty with the lesbians. when they look at me, i know they want to know. it’s in their eyes. and i just won’t give it to them. i pretend i’m not aware. but i know, given enough time, it will become their obsession. It’s always so innocent at first.

it happens. people don’t meet me. they fall into me. and it’s a thing that gets out of control. it feels immoral to allow people to get close to me, knowing what can happen.

in so many aspects of my life, i let my morals and principles dictate. it has been the only thing that tames me. but i’ve often wondered, what would happen if i went all the way?

i called a boy named dominic. but when we met, he introduced himself as drew.

“oh, is drew your real name?” i asked.

“no, my real name’s dominic. but most people call me drew.”

“okay,” i said, but to be honest, i didn’t know what to call him.

i’d brought him a gift, as a sign of good will. hey, we were meeting for the first time, why not.

when we said goodbye, he called me back. “hey, what about this?”

he’d looked a little punch drunk the whole time we’d talked, like he didn’t know what to make of me. maybe he thought i was trying to sell him something?

“it’s a gift. a sign of good will,” i said.

“oh wow.” he was actually surprised. i said goodbye, closing the door.

Are you alone for a reason, or are you lonely for a reason?

“Be careful,” he told me.

“Why?” I asked. Sometimes goodbye looms larger when it hasn’t been said.

“Many men will love you. But few will have the strength to honor you.” His dark eyes glowed–warm, dizzying, kind. I ached for home.

“This is a hard thing for a man to have to admit to himself,” he said.

Under the glow of the streetlight, the gentle breathing of the ocean behind us, we memorized every line, shadow and curve. The secret heartbeat.

He kissed me softly on the cheek, with feeling, with apology, our bodies the closest they had ever been.

And with that, the night swallowed us, swallowed our story.  By morning break, we would each find ourselves drifting alone once again on an ocean of distant ships, nothing real except all that exists above, all that keeps us afloat below, and a belief that at the end of the horizon, will be someone who finds within us the answer to their own personal myth.