Echo

there comes a time where you have to stop trying to understand why someone is the way they are, and decide if you are going to accept them for who they are.

i’m going back to seattle on thursday. terri is driving through on her way to vancouver and she also wants me to meet her new boyfriend. sensing this is the one.

incidentally, there’s been a book that i’ve been saving to read in march. no specific reason, just felt like that was the right time to encounter it. looks like it’s time.

i wish you would make up your mind, my friend. it would bring you a greater sense of peace.

you’re a piece of gold
that flashes on my soul…

it’s true. i hold myself to a higher standard. it’s because there are so many things in which i know better than to do. it’s about responsibility, or accountability. i still have flaws, and failings, and i have to be as compassionate about them as i am when it comes to other people. we’re all still human. but i can’t let myself get away with things if i know that i know better.

when i went over to aubrey and candice’s, aubrey noticed that ethan was fixated on the spot above my head.

“he’s fascinated by your aura,” he said.

“he’s looking at my halo,” i said. “it’s finally intact.”

aubrey gave me a quizzical look.

“i’ve been good for a very long time, aubrey.”

he smiled. he’s never known me to be not good. “what defines good?” he asked.

“restraint,” i said.

my task is not to seek for completion, but to seek and find all the barriers within myself that i have built against it.

maybe in fremont, i’m just bored out of my mind.

as soon as my arm gets strong enough so that i can handle things living alone, i’m heading back to seattle. plan my next move. i can either come back in june, or finish my lease in september. if i only have 1 completed short story to show for this one year sabbatical, i’m going to be pissed. i have to stop quitting on myself and throwing out the work as soon as it gets challenging. will probably live in palo alto or san jose so i can be close to both office and culinary school. start work first, get acclimated for a year, then start culinary program. want to be able to do what i have to do here and be out in 2-3 years. back in la. or at least, have one foot firmly planted in la.

can’t go back to la for at least 2 years anyway since i’ve signed out my place. and of course, all i wanna do is go back, own a place off the beach where i can watch the sun set into the ocean every day. want to be able to financially do that in 2 years. i’m going to always need 2 homes in 2 separate cities. that’s just the way i am.

gemini. needs two of everything. but wants only one person. go figure.

sidekicks need to be intelligent, capable and brave, but content with being the sidekick. i’ve advertised for a sidekick when i was younger. i’m pretty sure most of the guys who applied really just wanted to sleep with me.

men who don’t understand me but just want to sleep with me are starfuckers.

you know what it’s called when random strangers think they know you but they don’t? celebrity.

you know why celebrities are crazy? because they no longer have full rights to their own lives.

you know what it means when people keep coming up to you in public places thinking you look familiar even though they don’t know you? it means you better start busting your ass giving them a reason to know you, because someone out there who looks just like you already has.

whenever i tell rie that some guy has sparked my interest, her first question is usually, “is he actually datable or are you just horny?”

ideally i want to find the person who’s mine. the one who gets me, and i get him, and we make each other and the world around us a better place. we’ll each be entire intriguing universes to each other that are endless to explore, and together, we’ll grow. but that happens when it’s meant to happen, and there’s been a lot of life lived without him where i’ve been on my own.

a part of me would love to mess around while i’m biding my time, waiting for that person i’m going to intertwine lives with. i get bored, i get lonely. it’s not easy. this wait has been long. especially because i know everyone else lives life so much less seriously (or consciously), and especially because sex is a good thing. but i feel like it’s not an avenue that i’m allowed. even if i just wanted something casual for the sake of something casual, i need to have rapport and chemistry with someone, otherwise it won’t be good. but if we have rapport and chemistry, usually the guy wants a relationship, or feels i used him. it never works out. i fall into relationships i knew could never work even before it started. then i feel like i should have known better. i should never pursue for the sake of pursuing. i have to be willing to keep what i catch, and understanding that now, i’ve learned restraint. there are times when someone piques my interest and i want to chase, but i have to ask myself what is my end goal, and if i can’t see myself wanting to keep him, have him in my life, take a relationship seriously, then i have to let him go. i can’t hunt for the sake of hunting anymore. maybe i tried when i was younger and didn’t know better, but now that i know people can get hurt, it’s on me to make better judgment. and i have. this is what i mean when i tell people i’ve been good for a long time. it’s restraint. i don’t pursue for thrill. i restrain myself to wait for something that’s real.

incidentally, when i tried to move my blog yesterday, it suddenly published posts that were saved as drafts. i found this post, from 12/25/09 (2:52 am). here’s an example. i knew i was pursuing this guy because he was fascinating to me but there was no way anything real could come about it. so i forced myself to let go. and when it’s something that wasn’t meant to be yours in the first place, it breaks like a fever. then you know.

we guarded each other today, played each other hard. he blocked about 6 of my shots, but i had some moves today that outdid myself. last games were 2 on 2 and we guarded each other while josh played with me. josh and i work really well together. 2nd person asked if josh is my type today, and i answer that we’re friends that go way back. that’s valuable.

i asked the guy if he has kids and he said he didn’t. i figured he either has young sons, or he has an older sister who has boys. he feels like someone who’s been divorced if he is indeed single.

this fixation is no good. when i told my mom about him, she said i’m just hunting again. i feel it, too. i have such a need to be immersed inside people and taste their world as though it were my own. but i never own it. i just want to see it. and even though i try to leave people in better places, sometimes it gets messy. i think this is one of those situations where i just have to have the willpower to forget about it and not mess around with it.