1. you may or may not have a power of magnitude building inside you.

2. you have been saving it and plan to devote it to one person.

3. through that devotion you will commit yourself to fly that path as far as it will go.

4. you can give it to anyone.

5. but most likely you will devote it to the one you love.

6. you believed that great love requires a great sacrifice. you were wrong. it required letting go.

7. you talk to ghosts. is the only way for a person of the world to reach you, by crossing over?

8. if you chose that your greatest lesson be to experience great love through letting go, then you chose a very challenging path.

9. i wish you good luck.

nobody is any one thing. i’m not a good person or bad person. i’m just a person.  i was taught very young that the more i recognize how small i am in the grand scheme of things, the bigger i would be. my personal life has been defined by following that vision.

got off the elevator on my floor and i immediately smelled weed.

i knew it wasn’t because of me.

as i got closer to the source, i couldn’t tell if it was air freshener or weed.

either way, good for them.

are we the last…living souls. are we the last…living souls.

what about the prophecy?

On Seeing the 100% Perfect Girl One Beautiful April Morning by Haruki Murakami (from The Elephant Vanishes)

One beautiful April morning, on a narrow side street in Tokyo’s fashionable Harajuku neighborhood, I walk past the 100% perfect girl.

Tell you the truth, she’s not that good-looking. She doesn’t stand out in any way. Her clothes are nothing special. The back of her hair is still bent out of shape from sleep. She isn’t young, either — must be near thirty, not even close to a “girl,” properly speaking. But still, I know from fifty yards away: She’s the 100% perfect girl for me. The moment I see her, there’s a rumbling in my chest, and my mouth is as dry as a desert.

Maybe you have your own particular favorite type of girl — one with slim ankles, say, or big eyes, or graceful fingers, or you’re drawn for no good reason to girls who take their time with every meal. I have my own preferences, of course. Sometimes in a restaurant I’ll catch myself staring at the girl at the table next to mine because I like the shape of her nose.

But no one can insist that his 100% perfect girl correspond to some preconceived type. Much as I like noses, I can’t recall the shape of hers–or even if she had one. All I can remember for sure is that she was no great beauty. It’s weird.

“Yesterday on the street I passed the 100% perfect girl,” I tell someone.

“Yeah?” he says. “Good-looking?”

“Not really.”

“Your favorite type, then?”

“I don’t know. I can’t seem to remember anything about her–the shape of her eyes or the size of her breasts.”

“Strange.”

“Yeah Strange.”

“So anyhow,” he says, already bored, “what did you do? Talk to her? Follow her?”

“Nah. Just passed her on the street.”

She’s walking east to west, and I west to east. It’s a really nice April morning.

Wish I could talk to her. Half an hour would be plenty: just ask her about herself, tell her about myself, and — what I’d really like to do — explain to her the complexities of fate that have led to our passing each other on a side street in Harajuku on a beautiful April morning in 1981. This is something sure to be crammed full of warm secrets, like an antique clock built when peace filled the world.

After talking, we’d have lunch somewhere, maybe see a Woody Allen movie, stop by a hotel bar for cocktails. With any kind of luck, we might end up in bed.

Potentiality knocks on the door of my heart.

Now the distance between us has narrowed to fifteen yards.

How can I approach her? What should I say?

“Good morning, miss. Do you think you could spare half an hour for a little conversation?”

Ridiculous. I’d sound like an insurance salesman.

“Pardon me, but would you happen to know if there is an all-night cleaners in the neighborhood?”

No, this is just as ridiculous. I’m not carrying any laundry, for one thing. Who’s going to buy a line like that?

Maybe the simple truth would do. “Good morning. You are the 100% perfect girl for me.”

No, she wouldn’t believe it. Or even if she did, she might not want to talk to me. Sorry, she could say, I might be the 100% perfect girl for you, but you’re not the 100%  perfect boy for me. It could happen. And if I found myself in that situation, I’d probably go to pieces. I’d never recover from the shock. I’m thirty-two, and that’s what growing older is all about.

We pass in front of a flower shop. A small, warm air mass touches my skin. The asphalt is damp, and I catch the scent of roses. I can’t bring myself to speak to her. She wears a white sweater, and in her right hand she holds a crisp white envelope lacking only a stamp. So:  She’s written somebody a letter, maybe spent the whole night writing, to judge from the sleepy look in her eyes. The envelope could contain every secret she’s ever had.

I take a few more strides and turn: She’s lost in the crowd.

*****

Now, of course, I know exactly what I should have said to her. It would have been a long speech, though, far too long for me to have delivered it properly. The ideas I come up with are never very practical.

Oh, well. It would have started “Once upon a time” and ended “A sad story, don’t you think?”

*****

Once upon a time, there lived a boy and a girl. The boy was eighteen and the girl sixteen. He was not unusually handsome, and she was not especially beautiful. They were just an ordinary lonely boy and an ordinary lonely girl, like all the others. But they believed with their whole hearts that somewhere in the world there lived the 100% perfect boy and the 100% perfect girl for them. Yes, they believed in a miracle. And that miracle actually happened.

One day the two came upon each other on the corner of a street.

“This is amazing,” he said. “I’ve been looking for you all my life. You may not believe this, but you’re the 100% perfect girl for me.”

“And you,” she said to him, “are the 100% perfect boy for me, exactly as I’d pictured you in every detail. It’s like a dream.”

They sat on a park bench, held hands, and told each other their stories hour after hour. They were not lonely anymore. They had found and been found by their 100% perfect other. It’s a miracle, a cosmic miracle.

As they sat and talked, however, a tiny, tiny sliver of doubt took root in their hearts: Was it really all right for one’s dreams to come true so easily?

And so, when there came a momentary lull in their conversation, the boy said to the girl, “Let’s test ourselves–just once. If we really are each other’s 100% perfect lovers, then sometime, somewhere, we will meet again without fail. And when that happens, and we know that we are the 100% perfect ones, we’ll marry then and there. What do you think?”

“Yes” she said, “that is exactly what we should do.”

And so they parted, she to the east, and he to the west.

The test they had agreed upon, however, was utterly unnecessary. They should never have undertaken it, because they really and truly were each other’s 100% perfect lovers, and it was a miracle that they had ever met. But it was impossible for them to know this, young as they were. The cold, indifferent waves of fate proceeded to toss them unmercifully.

One winter, both the boy and the girl came down with the season’s terrible influenza, and after drifting for weeks between life and death they lost all memory of their earlier years. When they awoke, their heads were as empty as the young D. H. Lawrence’s piggy bank.

They were two bright, determined young people, however, and through their unremitting efforts they were able to acquire once again the knowledge and feeling that qualified them to return as full-fledged members of society. Heaven be praised, they became truly upstanding citizens who knew how to transfer from one subway line to another, who were fully capable of sending a special-delivery letter at the post office. Indeed, they even experienced love again, sometimes as much as 75% or even 85% love.

Time passed with shocking swiftness, and soon the boy was thirty-two, the girl thirty.

One beautiful April morning, in search of a cup of coffee to start the day, the boy was walking from west to east, while the girl, intending to send a special-delivery letter, was walking from east to west, both along the same narrow street in the Harajuku neighborhood of Tokyo. They passed each other in the very center of the street. The faintest gleam of their lost memories glimmered for the briefest moment in their hearts. Each felt a rumbling in the chest. And they knew:

She is the 100% perfect girl for me.

He is the 100% perfect boy for me.

But the glow of their memories was far too weak, and their thoughts no longer had the clarity of fourteen years earlier. Without a word, they passed each other, disappearing into the crowd. Forever.

A sad story, don’t you think?

Yes, that’s it, that is what I should have said to her.

And then the roads converged into a single point in the horizon, always just out of reach.

Are we the last living souls?

One can fool life for a long time, but in the end it always makes us what we were intended to be.

– André Malraux

Loneliness means becoming more sensitive, not alienating oneself from other people. Solitude has always brought and will bring forth thoughts that either abruptly or very gradually change the world, the circumstances we live in, our ways of thinking and relationships between people.

– Mika Waltari

That’s probably the strangest thing about this blog, isn’t it? The more you read, the less you feel you know me. Maybe it’s not noticeable for people who have never met me, strangers who stumble onto the words of my inner world the way they stumble into my path on nights when I’m seeking. But for people who know me in real life, it’s a slow drift in opposite directions.

“You can be quite mysterious to others, even if you don’t mean to be, because your romantic needs are kept hidden.”

Nice. I have $95.97 in my checking account. That has to be a record low for me. I got an email from my Sherman Oaks tenant’s mother. I have been hounding my tenant for rent since she’s 2 months late. Her mother wrote to say that she’s in the hospital having a tumor removed and has been battling cancer. I had no idea. Felt really bad. But she says the backrent is on the way, which is a relief to me. I pray that Jennifer can have a full recovery.

If you open your mind for me
You won’t rely on open eyes to see
The walls you built within
Come tumbling down and a new world will begin
Living twice at once you learn
You’re safe from pain in the dream domain
As soul set free to fly
A round trip journey in your head
Master of illusion, can you realize?
Your dream’s alive, you can be the guide
But…
I will be watching over you
I’m gonna help you see it through
I will protect you in the night
I’m smiling next to you.

Queensryche, Silent Lucidity