Echo

My mom and her friend are trying really hard to set me up with her friend’s son. Except he already has a girlfriend. We met up because he works in Fremont and finished his culinary degree part-time at PCI in San Jose, and so they invited me to an open house so I could check out the school. That was fine. But then they keep finding excuses for me to need to contact him. I finally told my mom that I’m sure we each think the other person is cool, but I don’t want him to think I’m trying to get with him when he’s already got a girlfriend. This is completely against my code of ethics, and she knows that. He’s a nice guy, but this situation is daunting and wrong. But I’m glad for the intro to the school. I’m very excited about being able to do that program part-time.

surprising.

drove around today trying to find a place to sit and write and couldn’t. finally decided to go to the cafe in the gym to work since they have free wifi and then i could just work out. as i was writing, i looked up to see curtis working. i’ve never seen him here on a sunday. so he saw me looking and smiling and came over. we ended up talking for about 5 hours, with him staying past his shift to the gym closing. he told me that he has the keys to the place, so i asked him if i wanted to come play basketball at 3am, if he could let me in, and he said he could. i asked if we could play now, and he said yes, so we stayed at the gym well past midnight, with him helping me shoot left-handed.

he was riding me about writing, and my whole not knowing how to tell this story, and thus, my delaying in writing the story. about how i have to be willing to write crap and get it all out, rather than this idea that i have to write the big story and nothing else. he wants to help me rework my website so i can keep my blog on it rather than having my site and my blog hidden on blogger. i told him i don’t want my blog out there, but i need to combine all the stuff in my notebooks and all my digital files into one large searchable database. he said i can just sit a homepage, but password protect the things i don’t want the public to see. but he will need access to my blog. i’ve been unwilling to tell him the address, mostly because i’ve written about him and will have to hide anything related to him if i hand it over. and also not being sure i want him to see this much of my past and my insides.

but then i think, it shouldn’t matter.

he asked me if i thought he was dangerous to me. i didn’t really answer the question, said it was inconclusive. you can be dangerous to someone without being a dangerous person. but maybe, what’s dangerous to me is what hopes and disappointments another person represents, especially when maybe i have certain doubts about my judgment in the people who get close to me. i think a part of me never wants to try again unless it’s a sure bet, of which there are none. get too close, and you lose someone you could have been longtime friends with. get too close, and you could get hurt or hurt someone else. get too close, and you could lose yourself. get too close, and you could be getting close to the wrong person.

i am confused.

i told you march/april would be the opening. april is completely open and undecided. huge portal available if both sides synchronize and bridge. think about what you want, what you need.

my 9am was the new jersey girl who had suddenly discovered wings.

Know I can’t have you here…
Someone else on your skin

On the morning of 3/3/10, since it was a 3x 9 day, I posted on fb for everyone to try to do at least one thing out of the ordinary and see where it leads them. Cody worked out, Curtis decided to move and Josh decided to take the next day off work to play golf.

Alright, it’s a start.

I bought The Little Prince and I met a little prince today. Ethan Patrick. Welcome to this world.

hahaha, musings of the muse.

“and one day, i was laying in the bathtub with jason schwartzman on a muggy, idle weekday, and he says, ‘sex on fire, kings of leon. that song was about you, wasn’t it?’ and i just smiled, hiding my face behind the bubbles.”

it’s my disappearing that’s most unsettling. people seem able to accept everything else.

To the centre of the city where all roads meet, waiting for you
To the depths of the ocean where all hopes sank, searching for you
I was moving through the silence without motion, waiting for you
In a room without a window in the corner I found truth

–shadowplay

ninjas = jedis = knights

warrior/healer

black ninja/red queen

Hung out with Josh, Lawrence and their friends in San Francisco last night. Josh started talking to me about a writer and said he sometimes writes about ninjas. I said, “Excuse me, did you just say ninjas?” Curtis and I have been running some motif about ninjas. I told Josh that ninjas have dominated my mind and conversations the last two days. He said he thought everyone had a little bit of ninja in them. He looked at me and said, “You clearly are the black ninja,” and I started laughing. Later, as we were leaving this guy waved goodbye at me and then someone said, “She’s walking with us.” “This is so awkward!” I said and everyone laughed saying he’d waved prematurely. This would be a good time to do a “ninja vanish” he said, and Josh looked at me in surprise.

“You know how sometimes people can get on the same wavelength and think the same thing? I think you dominated the wavelengths tonight and willed ninjas into our minds.”
Later, I called a truce between Curtis and I. We have a lot of energy running between us with the potential for something great and the potential for power struggles that could collapse into open enmity, and we have a way of being provocative in how we test each other’s boundaries and try to get to know each other. I feel like I’ve gotten to the place in my life where I don’t want to flirt by mental sword fight. A little is okay, but I want to be able to ask a question and get an honest answer, and be able to be nice and genuinely care about someone without being made to feel lame because the other person isn’t at that place yet to be straightforward. So hoping to curb the combativeness between us, we were texting and I wrote, “To be honest, I would much prefer to fight next to you than against you.” And he responded, “For sure! You seem mindfuckingly dangerous!”

He’s charming, probably more progressive than other people his age the way I was. I have to be careful. I go chasing after people who are mentally quick but may only be giving the illusion of depth, and who aren’t necessarily mine, and if I compromised now, it’s a repeat of the same lesson from two years ago, and I don’t want that.

I don’t want Fremont to regress me. I don’t want to make bad judgments. I need to get to the next level. I want only what’s mine.

“how could you read me?”

“maybe i’m the white ninja to your black ninja.”

“how do you know i’m the black ninja?”

he laughed. “oh, i know you’re the black ninja.”

okay. but anyone who’s seen me play basketball can make that assumption.

“do you ever rewatch a movie you watched when you were younger and catch something you didn’t catch before?” he asked.

“Like what?”

“I just rewatched The Lion King. You know how Nala’s always jumping on Simba and he can’t do anything about it? In the end, when Simba jumps on Nala and pins her, I never noticed it before but she gets this look in her eyes like she wants to pounce the hell out of him.”

My mind immediately went to Michael’s birthday party where he had told me his way of dealing with people was just looking at them like they’re completely stupid. We had a staredown where he tried to give me that look, and I flashed him one that I would eat him if he tried. He’d started laughing, and he has such a beautiful laugh, but I remember thinking he was too immature for me.

Later, he quoted the movie and I asked him if he was still thinking about his Lion King revelation. He wrote, “Yes, both untamed female predators and hidden meanings.”

I wrote back, “Enviable food for thought.”

“I’m inclined to believe you’ll agree that thinking isn’t near as much fun when you can’t share the thoughts.”

This kid’s a mental wrestler. I don’t know his intelligence but his quickness is a match. I have to stay very focused with him. In fact we both are–I watch his pupils dilate when we talk, and I can feel mine as well. We get hyper focused. Show a card, see a card, tests and tests and tests and tests. But they’re games, at least on the surface. I’ve always been a sucker for someone with a quick mind. But I’ve learned before that when chemistry is based in a mental dance like a dog chasing its own tail, even though the sheer act is incredibly enjoyable if not because it’s so frustrating, but then you get so caught up in the mental gymnastics that you don’t realize you really don’t know this person. You may not even like him. So I’m staying wary.

But it’s funny he brought up Lion King and its particular dynamics. “All black except for two yellow eyes burning through darkness like the fire of a Tigress before she’s pounced.”

Women who have warrior spirits can not rest unless under protection of a man who is a greater warrior. She will not trust or respect anything less. These women tend to mate for life. Avatar was a nice example of this breed of woman as well. The two sides of the coin are the warrior and healer. In the course of a lifetime, she has the potential to embody both.

all those who believe we are going to die will sink
all those who believe we are going to live will jump

it rained all day. like a giant movie set.

We were driving down this long stretch of road, and on one side was a towering rainbow anchoring a dark thunderstorm of magnetic proportions, and on the other, the sun was setting through parted clouds, filling the sky with blinding light. We were driving down the middle, each phenomenon dominating its side of landscape like raging water from a parted sea. the tension rose to a climax and suddenly dissipated, the rainbow evaporating and the sun disappearing into the clouds. We looked into the other cars, searching the faces of the other drivers. For the most part, no one seemed to notice.

A Trinity Triad is a 9 triangle whose 3 points are composed by 3’s, therefore an infinite number of trinities anchoring an infinite triad.

Tomorrow is a Trinity Triad. 03/03/12 (3). It will be a precursor for the next two big ones, 12/12/12 and 12/21/12.

Because 12/12/12 is a perfect balance, I am particularly interested in this date (particularly because it’s 3x 3 for 9, plus 2 for an umbrella influence of 11.

9 always seeks 11 for 22.

this is to confirm that the full moon occurred feb 28 in virgo during pisces. walls of reality spread thin.

3 Noted Displacements of Reality From the Past Week

1. The conversation that my dad claimed didn’t happen (but which my mom later said she knew it had to have happened, because he had mentioned it to her when he got home). But doesn’t explain why he started the conversation with something that didn’t happen (giving 2 tickets to my cousin) and mentioned something inexplicably untrue (my uncle is in China).

2. I went to visit Josh and Lawrence at their seats at the game, bringing only a bottle of water that my dad had bought for me. They bought me a beer and I remember how hard it was to balance both the beer and water, seeing as my right arm is not reliable. At the end of the game, as I had my water in hand, Josh claimed that it was his. I knew pretty sure it was mine but he still said it was his, so I gave it to him.

3. Yesterday, Michael woke up and asked where Jason (our adopted little brother) was. We didn’t know what he meant, and he said that he had woken up in the middle of the night, and Jason was laying in bed next to him. Michael was surprised and happily called out, “Little brother…” and asked him what he was doing here. He said he needed to rest a little. Later, Michael woke up because Jason got out of bed. “Where are you going?” he asked. “Bathroom,” Jason said. Michael said that after he woke up, he looked in the bathroom and saw Jason there. Except, Jason was never at the house. And when he stays at our house, he never shares a bed with Michael. So Michael had been looking for Jason around the house, absolutely convinced that we were playing a joke on him by saying Jason wasn’t there. We asked him questions about what happened forwards and backwards, and his story never changed. He was thoroughly confused, saying that I must have driven Jason over, and when I said no, he said it must have been his mother, or Jason took the bus. But then he said quietly to himself, “But then how did mom hear him knock if he walked?” I’ve never seen Michael so sure of something that wasn’t verifiable in this reality.

So I told my dad about it, and strangely enough, we felt the same thing. Whether it was a dream or hallucination, Michael was convinced this happened to such an absolute degree, we both worried if something had happened to Jason, and Michael had been visited by a ghost. So we got on the phone and found him. He confirmed he hadn’t come over, but in fact, he had been up all night in the bathroom throwing up from stomach flu. When we told Michael that Jason hadn’t been there, he was thoroughly confused. “Then who was in my bed?” he asked. “Who was it I was talking to?”

This is incredible. Twin Peaks + Portishead

The entire David Lynch mash-up album