Echo

If you are someone with integrity, you will never win against someone who plays dirty. Don’t engage. It’s like snakes. If you are in a confrontation, you have to kill it to survive. But it’s best to avoid them if possible.
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I had a dream last night that I told my mom that I’m ready for something real with someone, someone who really treats me well. So she went and arranged for a marriage between DJ and I, and when he showed up in a white suit, knowing that I had accepted his hand in marriage, he glowed, in that shy way of his. The families were ecstatic because we’re both such amazing people, and I could tell that he and I had it in us to get along well, but of course, we’d only met once before, we never dated so it was awkward. He was in the kitchen making some appetizers while our parents talked in the living room and I remember admiring him, his gentle energy, his hands, knowing that this was a man I could someday love, but again, that awkward feeling that here we were, having accepted that we would be tied together for the rest of our lives, but we barely knew each other.

I had accepted everything, but a week down the line, before the ceremony was arranged, we found out that there was something wrong with his house. It was like a faultline had split it in two, and it was not habitable. He came to our house to tell us that, and apologized sincerely, saying that he could not go through with this knowing he could not provide a solid home for me. It was very honorable and it made me realize what an honest and respectable man he was.

I was very philosophical in my dreams last night. I remember flashes of me sitting by the water, thinking through life. I remember all those times I would cringe at things C would say but not understand why, and in those moments of clarity by the water, I could see it was like talking intimately with someone while he was holding hands with another person. I always felt it, but didn’t dig deeper because I wanted to trust him. I realized that I am not accountable for his decisions or his understanding of the effects of his decisions, I could only know if he is a safe person for me or an unsafe person. After having been in that dream, standing in that kitchen with DJ feeling so safe even though I was nervous because we barely knew each other, the one thing I could trust for sure was that here was a good, considerate man who I could trust to take care of the things that are valuable to me. I had been provided an example in my dream world of how it should intuitively feel. And it felt so safe, it was such a good feeling that in a way, I understand what I’m looking for.

When I woke up, it was a really good feeling. I know the dream was not about DJ, but used DJ’s image to show me something, the way the right thing should feel. I think about how important it is, in a relationship, for me to make a person feel safe and loved, and usually how a person treats others is how they want to be treated themselves. I’ve been working hard to treat myself the same way, to give myself a safe place to explore my own hopes and dreams without being self-critical, dismissive or cruel, because on the flipside, you shouldn’t give to others expecting to get back the same if you won’t extend the same towards yourself. In that dream, it was like seeing that caring and consideration from the outside in, to see someone else treat me that way, embody that spirit of kindness, respect and protection.

I am getting very close to what I want. Because I am recognizing it on an instinctual level, and because I am welcoming it in. I feel like a ship finally approaching its harbor.

1. Don’t complain. Resolve.
2. Do you want to be respected or do you want to play victim?

Because we respected it for being bigger than us and let it pass through without being selfish, there will always be a little bit of you inside of me, and a little bit of me inside of you, no matter the distance.

I haven’t changed course. Almost got distracted, but the danger made itself known before it was too late. It was like a bigger voice speaking through that person without his awareness. He warned me of himself.

Now all the signs are saying prepare to launch.

The future is now. Are you on board?

People always save their best lies to tell themselves.
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Sometimes I think sitting on trains
Every stop I get to I’m clocking that game
Everyone’s a winner, we’re making our fame
Bonafide hustler making my name

-MIA

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My mom on phone talking about her customers’ biggest concern of the company not being global enough, and my goal last year of globalizing myself. Interesting.

I am world-class talent. The question has been if I can execute. Let me provide an answer by August.
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Our ignorance as youth wants most to be right. They will fight to be right, then they will fight to not be wrong. Wisdom wants most what is true. Doesn’t matter who is right. Only that we understand what is true.
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My first full day back in Seattle (got in directly from LA last night). I’ve been working a lot on how you treat others will define your interaction, so if you treat people kindly, they will treat you kindly back. Lead by example. The thing is, I’m not so strong the last two days, have been frustrated and emotionally overwhelmed. But strangely, even if I’m not my usual self, people have been very kind. Even the Pisces girl at PT who normally makes little sarcastic jabs (even though I know she does it more out of her protection than to be mean to me), it’s like she sensed it so her energy was softer, she was kinder. I was grateful for that.

Time is 3:33 now. I lost my iPod on flight 333. Today is a 3 day.

Balance.

I’ve done my best but sometimes, I’m so tired, it’s hard to smile.

On Halloween, I met a man named Sebastian who called me “dangerous.” As my sabbatical in Seattle winds down, I made plans to finally have our drink together and talk. We’re meeting at a place called Black Bottle tomorrow at 9pm. I like that choice. Seems fitting. In the time since we first met, the idea of “dangerous” has been on my mind a lot. From what it means to go so deeply into the world and others, what it means for others to perceive a person who can do this, and an encounter with the most innocent-seeming person who turned out to be utterly dangerous.

And mostly in the last month, contemplations of death and loss. Endings.

The good news is this means life is preparing new beginnings.

It is still heavy though.

The question I have asked everyone…how did you perceive May?

I’ve found that most people found it to be a kick to their most private parts.

Crunch month! Get organized. Get prepared for August push!

Was telling Brian about how hard it’s been to learn that someone can be both nice and unkind. I used to think there were nice people, and then selfish people, but some people are both. Sometimes even when people are nice, they can still have cruel or unkind or cold dispositions. Someone can have a brilliant smile but the heart and mind of a reptile. My lesson has been to dig deeper. And to follow instincts. Just because someone likes you and chases you in no way means he’s worthy. You have to carefully discern that. And just because they tell you they’re nice, doesn’t mean they are. Watch the actions. Watch how they react to blood.

Ladies. If you’re in a relationship that seems to go in circles or makes your mind go in circles whenever you think about it, you’re like a canoe with only one paddle. Chances are if you’re missing a paddle, it’s because you’re the only one in the canoe. That ain’t a relationship. That’s illusion. You’re better than that. Go find a real relationship with someone who wants to go about this with you and carry his share. Brought to you by Sisters Against Bullshit.

Ran into so many people. Magnetic in my California return.

If, rather than distinguishing life from imagination, we assume that all perceptions are real. Doesn’t matter if we got them from live people within live experiences, but everything we see, hear, imagine, every message through every media that has come through to us, that out of all this randomness, the things you happen to remember, or that you happen to experience, are things you were meant to find. A man born in the middle of the ocean will know only water and sky. and once he knows land, he will know water, sky and land. We understand the world only by what we are exposed to, and eventually, what we believe.

I started to pay attention to everything as though it were a movie but I am the protagonist. Meanwhile, billions of other movies play out around me, sometimes where I’m a mere extra, sometimes where I’m a guest or supporting character. But assuming that I’m in a movie, there’s a good director out there who is telling a meaningful story. So I look for supporting stars, listen for soundtrack. Wonder where am I being led to, notice when I should leave because a scene is too long. And if that is the case, and I am a character being directed by a purposeful storyteller, then I have to look for clues around me to understand what the creator wants of me.

So if everything I perceive, if I perceive it then it was meant to be, then what’s most real is the information that shapes my world. It doesn’t matter the source. It matters only that it connects things for me. Like an amnesiac making her way back through memory. Except moving forward.

Searching for home this week. None of them feel like home. I can’t find myself here. Then I stay an extra day to go to a bbq. Need to cheat a little playing Battleship with my 6 year-old cousin so that he doesn’t utterly destroy me. Spend time appreciating areas outside of Fremont.

Headed to LA on Saturday, in time for sunset, of course. First, Abbott Kinney. Said what’s up to the Ethiopian doorman at Other Room. Tells me to come by later when it’s busy; gets distracted by a girl walking back from the beach with big tits. Changed shirt,  went to Urth to read over a fresh-herbed turkey on ciabatta and decaf honey vanilla latte. Sat in the corner looking at this girl in a low-cut shirt, drinking tea from a small press. She looked like she wanted to be noticed, yet was already angry. I smiled at her. She looked startled. Was approached by two Israeli guys who I’d seen tittering about me earlier in line. What are you?, they asked. I took a moment for that question. That is such a big question. The cone-shaped Commando looking guy made a gesture towards his face. Where is your family from?, he asked. I can’t tell.

I laughed. Told him a lot of people can’t tell.

Got glamoured by a gay guy with a scorpion-tail who may or not be playing straight, but was trying to get me to fall for his “availability.” But I have a tail of my own. He gave me the look, the one that ends with narrowing of the eyes that pops with sexual intensity. And I caught him by the tail (I’d had a dream about having to grab a snake by the neck before he even knew I was there).  I recognized him before he recognized me. And laughed. He looked surprised and laughed, too, if not looking a bit vulnerable. He was there with a girl, directed her to get a table outside. Meanwhile, positioned himself in my line of vision, trying to catch my eye. I ignored him. I don’t have a second step.

Lot of attention. Lot of people trying to get another look. The angry girl had been staring at me after the Israelis. I could feel her questioning what it was about me. I know she saw some of it. One guy came right up, said, “hi,” then walked away like that’s as much as his courage had planned for. I knew she was trying to figure it out. But silently, she slipped away, her press still mostly full.

A couple of LA Sheriffs, a tall Native-American looking kid and a Hispanic woman in her 30’s, came in for take-out. They stood leaning against my table and didn’t even notice I was there. They took up half of my table, yet they were so engrossed in conversation, they didn’t even notice me taking pictures of them. She was discussing with him what to get for a coworker’s birthday. “How about a stripper?” she asked. He wasn’t sure how the guy would take it. “Maybe a blow up doll?” At some point the guy realized I was basically a third party in this conversation taking place in a corner. He pulled her to the other side of the room, and I could see her look of confusion as he whispered into her ear and pointed to me. I smiled and waved. She covered her mouth in horror. They both look horrified. Imagine if I had asked for their badge numbers and played it serious like I was going to write a letter. But I yelled, “Tell me about the guy. I would love to help you find a gift.” I left a while later and they were hanging out by their car, drinking coffee. I waved and said goodnight. They smiled and waved, like we’d shared something happy.

Headed back to The Other Room. Found a seat in the very corner that I’ve never sat in. Could see the whole room. Seemed the light was even brighter from here. Still magnetic. I was so hidden in the corner, you had to push through people at the bar on one side and people seated with their legs out at tables on the other to get to it. Vertical twister. It was hazard alley–inevitably only the best of the best could get multiple drinks away from the bar through the obstacle course without spilling. At first I wasn’t sure about that spot because it was inaccessible. It would be hard to find people to talk to. But then the view was great. I could see the whole room. The strange thing was, it was like that night at Amber. It was almost like people had taken a number. A lot of people trying to catch my eye, I smiled at some if they smiled, but I didn’t commit to anything. Then after the first guy came up, a Scottish version of the lyrical poet, these guys  just kept showing up. Usually they would squeeze up next to me and order a drink, but then start up a conversation about one thing or another. I would listen until I was bored, being friendly but not going out of my way. After I stopped talking, they would leave, and then another guy would step up. I remember one guy who only talked about beer and was recommending different types (he was nice enough but only had one topic). He left and I talked to some other people. It was funny how it was like an interview process that no one else but us were in on. But these girls who had sat down next to me, while watching one guy approaching with his eyes fixed on me, looked at me like this was the craziest thing. I laughed and shrugged and they laughed as well.

I didn’t really meet anyone interesting but the Scot kept coming back and at least he was cool. I saw a guy in a beanie walk up to the bar and our eyes met. He looked, I smiled, then took in the rest of the scene. Then I saw him talking to the beer guy and so I assumed they were friends. A few minutes later, beer guy comes up to introduce me to his friend, this dude John.  Says he’s a local musician, so I’m talking to John. After beer guy walks away, John asks me how I know beer guy. We just met, I said. Really?, he said. He said he thought we were friends so he’d asked him to introduce us. As I’m talking to Saint John, this dark guy who looks like Nick keeps staring at me, trying to get me my attention. I mean, just staring. John leaves but before Not Nick can make a move (or maybe he was trying to make me, which wasn’t going to happen), this guy named Dan shows up. He looked like he was maybe 40. He was nice enough, the most fun conversation of all of them. He liked KCRW so we were talking about Morning Becomes Eclectic and I told him about the Miike Snow show. He asked me if I’d been looking at him, and to be honest, I was looking at everyone. And in certain lighting at a distance, some people kind of look the same.

Were you the guy over there who was smiling at me? I asked, pointing in the general direction of the bar.

Yeah, he said.

Did I smile back?, I asked.

OH yeah, he said.

Meanwhile Not Nick is pointing at him and shaking his head, mouthing to me that I should lose this guy. What is he, 9? I ignore him.

The bar closes down and I leave. As I’m crossing the street, Not Nick comes running after me, almost getting hit by a car. I’m kind of moving away telling him we should get out of the street, but he’s just staring at me. Then he says, “Can we, like, get together?” Oh, he’s so young. I can tell. I’m from out of town, I say. I’m leaving tomorrow. But it was it was nice meeting you.

Walk to my car. A happy Hispanic guy waiting at the light says hi and asks me how my night is. He invites me to hang out but I decline. I get in my car as he pulls away, then realize I want to take a picture of the moon. Get out again. Brake lights. He stops. I realize maybe he thinks I’ve changed my mind? Take a quick picture of the moon. Leave.

Next day. Urth Cafe in Venice. Sit next to an older gentleman with mean eyes, his wife, and two 13 year-old boys, one of whom was Asian. I was writing, and then started kind of tweaking out. Just energies really heavy around me. Just as I was starting to get worried, suddenly behind me, BANG! And the whole courtyard gasps. I turn around, and there’s the server with a tray, these huge 24 oz tumblers with frozen boba drinks, but they looked like bowling pins. The ground below was a sea of green slush. He was staring at his tray like he didn’t understand how this happened, like the tray had somehow been struck by lightning. To be honest, that’s how it looked. Even the family was speechless. Then one of the boys asked in shock, “How did that happen?” The server whispered, “I’m so sorry. So sorry,” and wiped the guy’s shoe with the tiniest hand towel. The man jumped up angrily and made of show of wiping slush off his legs. The boy said again, “I don’t understand. How did that happen to his tray?” The wife said, “Shhh,” the husband scowled and the poor server kept apologizing like he’d fallen on someone’s wedding cake. I looked at a guy at the next table.

“How did that happen?” I asked him.

“I don’t know,” he said. “That was insane.”

The server was still apologizing and the guy was fuming so I said, it’s okay, it happens. I kept saying it to the server who’s head was hung so low. The manager came up and he put his hands on his shoulders, his eyes searching the family for clues to how they wanted him to handle the situation. All you need is a mop, I said to him. No big deal. We have a mop, he said. Good, I said.

They cleaned it up but I had to get out of there. I realized how strange it would look, I had ordered a sandwich and coffee, but to leave it completely untouched. But I had to get out of there. The courtyard at Urth has a ramp that leads to the street outside. I went out. Took a few deep breaths. What caused that? Was that energy? Did it come from me?

I went back in after a few minutes, asked for a box, then took everything. It was more like covering evidence than really wanting it. I went to my car. Sat and listened to music for a while, thinking. Then I looked all around. How strange. I got out of my car. Across the street was one of those red trees from Fremont. But when I got out of my car, I saw the whole intersection and up and down the street were lined with them. I spent so much time here, and I never noticed one of my favorite places was lined with these trees. Took a walk. Took a drive.

Met up with Brian. Had a bunch of tickets to distribute. One of the guys who bought a ticket used to open for them and told us about a secret show after where Miike Snow was doing a DJ set and got me added to the list (B declined). We wandered around, went to the roof deck. Brian never knew it was there. I told him that was the best part of the venue–warm, moonlit nights looking at the city view from that deck. Show was starting. Went to the bathroom. Came out and saw a guy smiling so I smiled back. Brian asked, isn’t that a certain actor. I thought so, I said. Later, at the after party as I was flying solo, both he and the Sag from that 90’s band were watching me, trying to get me to approach. It was very interesting bait.  Either I am being shown that I need to develop a 2nd step, or I’m being reminded that I don’t chase. With the actor though, I was coming off of drawing a Pisces so it wasn’t as hard it could have been. He was watching me from the corner, and he’d already caught my smile. And I was watching him without watching him. When he separated from the group and moved out of his corner a few feet away from me, leaning against the wall in a pose, I knew he had put himself in a position for me to make the first move. But I also know that I can’t win when they’re playing their game with their rules. It would have been an interesting story. He would like me. But I decided that it wasn’t worth it unless he opened things with me. Same with the Sag who was watching from the same side, other corner. I’m not that kind of girl who eats bait. I don’t care who you are. Meet me halfway and I will meet you halfway. It’s not about power but about balance. I’m worth it.

Concert was amazing. Lights ethereal, just like I would see in my dream world when the song Silvia would wake me up in the middle of the night. And to hear that whole crowd singing along to the opening verse of Silvia…amazing. Like being swept by a wave only to wake up in bed on a beautiful Sunday morning.

Monday notes. Went to Joan’s on 3rd. Guy in line was very enthusiastic in talking to me. Saw Jeremy Piven by the soda machine. I’ve been open to talking to him again since he was my craziest interview from college where I swear he was high and being a douche. But he was wearing black and trying to look important so while a synchronicity was there, I declined. An Israeli guy sits at the table next to me on the patio. Next thing I know, the two Israeli’s from Saturday show up. They can’t believe they ran into me again. It’s fate, they said. It’s a small city, I said.

Later that day, at Coffee Bean, ran into the guy who plays David on Numbers. He’s someone else I’ve also watched closely because his presence conveys kindness and depth. I would have loved to sit with him and talk to him about spirituality. He left, and I thought, oh well, but then he came back because they got his order wrong. I was at a table, and watching him, and he would look up and smile. Just friendly, person-to-person smiles.  He looked like he was in a hurry so there was no point in opening a conversation. We might have a chance in the future. When he left, he looked over and smiled again. It was a good-feeling.

Spent time with Lauren. She’s pregnant. Wants to move to Singapore. Looks great.

One time, Brian was walking around in his boxers and Michael said, “You walk around in your underwear in front of your landlord?” I needed to borrow a pair of shorts to sleep in because I’d worked out in mine, so Brian loaned me boxers. I walked into the kitchen wearing them. “Are these the shorts you wear in front of your landlord?” Absolutely, he said.

I was laying on the floor reading a book about spirituality while B watched “The City.” What show is this?, I asked him.

One of the ones you think makes you stupid just by being in the same room as it, he said.

Things learned this week:

1. My milkshake brought it.

Crying crying. cry cry cry. Hellos and goodbye. Lost my ipod on the plane. Last song, Collide. Listened to same order on Sunday night. Burial. Silvia. Collide. And then it was time to turn off electronics. Flight 333. Chose it for the number. I was supposed to fly out of San Jose today. June 2nd. That was the day. But then everything changed. Somehow, the world put me on Flight 333 with a mysterious one-stop same-plane break, but still the fastest flight from Los Angeles to Seattle. Turns out it was in Oakland. Where the stewardess took the liberty of deboarding my iPod. Last song, Collide.

Someone once told me our meeting was like the sun and moon colliding. That it could have been potentially disastrous.

Perhaps that’s the thing…should large bodies collide, or should we absolutely prevent them at all costs?

If in one moment, we were to all go together, which of us would find ourselves in the same place?

The world is preparing for something.

More crying. About hair. About homesickness. About wanting to be so much closer to my mother than we could ever be. A group soul in trouble and she says, “I am a brave woman. And you are a brave woman. I know because I passed it on to you.”

If Courage is not of how you approach death, but how you approach life, then how do we come to peace with that the fact a part of us is dying every day?

You let go of the part that’s dying.

June 1st. I’m done with that. The circle is closed.
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The path of the primitive is that they always need new blood to feed.
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Just because I don’t want you anywhere near me doesn’t mean I don’t enjoy studying you.
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Learn how to use mirrors. How you treat them, is exactly how they will treat you. Define your relationship. Define that this is an open system, for both succeeding or requiring disconnection.

I wouldn’t let anyone touch me today.
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I’m open, you’re closed.
Where I follow, you’ll go.
I worry I won’t see your face…
Light up again.
Even the best fall down some times
Even the wrong words seem to rhyme
Out of the dark that fills your mind…

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