Echo

Are they in love with me, or are they in love with the way I look at them?
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I know he’s getting ready to chase me.

But I live in two different worlds. I wouldn’t know which one he would fit in.
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All this time I’m trying to figure out what I think. When I really don’t know how I feel.

Why do I do the things I do?

And the aftermath…

Why did I do it? Because I wanted to. Because there was nothing better on the table. Because it’s been a long time of waiting for things I don’t even know exist. Because Ive been good for a very long time. Because I don’t know what that means anymore. Because Im not really sure what anything really means anymore. Because this is life, and you make choices based on what you get, not what you hope for. Unless what you hope for is what you get. But that doesn’t happen all the time. Because in the end, I’m still human, and sometimes where you land is just where you land.

What I need is to be close to people. But when I get it, Im racked with anxiety and what I want is to be alone. My needs and wants work at cross purposes. All my focus on integrity, when it is my most basic lack of integrity that is the root of my unhappiness. I can’t seem to bring the me of my world into a shared world, and keep myself comfortably there and sustained on a consistent basis.

In your world, I feel diminished.

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Very little difference between being independent and independable. Don’t depend on me and I’ll take care of you. Is this what I got? Is that what I give?
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This is trippy too, given what happened with Aubrey today. I was listening to Arcade Fire’s Rebellion (Lies) while driving in the rain and had the urge to text Brian the lyrics, people say that you die, faster than without water. But I couldn’t because I was driving. A couple of hours later, his Facebook status was, every time you close your eyes. We reached out with the same song today.

And speaking of more look-what-the-rainstorm-drudges-up, James the super annoying guy texts after months of peace. He’s been told twice now to never contact me again. He’s a fungus.

it was a rainy day today, lots of dramatic clouds, even some sunshine as it rained. i was driving and thought of aubrey so i texted him to see how he’s doing. a part of me had a feeling he would call me instead of text back. he did.

why did you text, he asked.

just to see how it’s going, i said.

i ask because we’re actually in san jose and had thought about calling you, but we didn’t have enough time so we were talking about how we should give you a call sometime when your text came in. candice goes, is she psychic or what? and i said, a little bit, and here we are.

i laughed. it must be the electricity from the rainstorm, i said. it carried your thoughts.

another factor to my strange dream i may have forgotten. earlier that day, i was wondering about someone in the office and if anything ever happened.

You may still seek out relationships in which you have the same emotional dependency you had toward your mother. Your emotional reactions to people are only habits that interfere with communication. Or you may play a parental role toward someone else who really needs to be independent.

recognize.

I need to choose a place and go away for the holiday.
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Don’t think cuz I understand, I care.
Don’t think cuz we’re talkin, we’re friends.
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i find it really hard to give up my secret dreams.

i dream that john hamm tells me he’s going to have sex with my mother and it’s breaking my heart because i know he thinks it’s a necessary thing and i can only let him, but it makes me feel a lot of confusing and painful things.  and i watch him because i can’t believe he’s going to go through with it, and he does, and i can’t believe it. i walk away and i’m so fucked up afterwards because i’m passionate about him and now he’s completely betrayed me, and he wants me to kiss him and i’m convinced she’s all over his face.

i spent most of the next day intensely trying to figure out who the guy in my dream was since i’d forgotten by the time I woke up, but i knew his energy, and i knew how fucked up and powerful that attraction was. i kept going through all the shows i’d watched recently. david boreanz. simon baker. phil from modern family. but none of them were that guy. and then i’m telling people at work about the snl skit i watched over the weekend and realized it was john hamm.

today i read this article. what a strange article.

this week has been the first week i’ve been sleeping in my new room at my parents house. the spent over a year remodeling and now i finally have that loft i wanted–they converted our attic into a european style loft with a sloped-ceiling bedroom and den, connected by an open walkway overlooking the kitchen. it’s beautiful and looks nothing like the house of my childhood, but still, my sleep is disrupted. i wake up around 2:23 am every night with an urgency that there’s somewhere i need to be, and a complete confusion of where i am. and my dreams are disturbing. it makes we wonder if the haunting is still here. the childhood i had here that echoed with loneliness and drowning.

i’ve also wondered if this dream had to do with my cube mate, this worst case scenario of being with someone who is not yours. i notice we are getting more friendly, but i am making my inner distance. not wanting to even give it attention. i have to recognize it is wrong. most days i know it means nothing.

an engaged customer of ours, someone who had asked to tag along, comes with me to the open gym tonight. turns out we wear the same socks–black soccer socks. later he takes off his shirt and i see it happening out of the corner of my eye so i pretend i don’t notice, making sure not to look, and i wonder if he’s testing me to see if i’ll look. i’m not interested in him, but i don’t want people to think i can want someone who’s already attached.  it’s such a sign of weakness, a person who can want what they can’t have. it means you can always be lead astray to your own detriment. and one temptation in the gym i’m trying to quit is already enough. he, my cubemate and i ran on the same team the whole night. cubemate keeps smiling like there’s something brewing between my customer and i and that just makes things feel worse.

i decide right then and there, i’m not going go home to sleep in my parents attic tonight. even though the house has been completely gutted, still…i’m disturbed there. whether it’s the house or me, it still feels haunted.

Guardians of Our Candy

What if everything that I thought I was was wrong? And people came up and said, you’re dishonest, you steal, you lie. You can’t be trusted. And it wasn’t a matter of my denial, but because I had no idea. What if there was one day a break in my life, and I suddenly realized I’m a complete stranger. That I never knew myself at all.
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The things I need are not always good for me. So I focus on what I want.
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This is totally a test from the matrix. That’s why I know it’s significant, but I don’t believe it’s real.
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I’m gonna live through it. Just take today easy. Explore aimlessly.

One thing I seek in order to trust a person. Not to be stubborn at times when there is a chance you might be wrong.
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Neck sprain from on court collision. Finished the game then had to be helped out of the gym because of sudden onset of black spots in my vision, dizziness and my legs shaking. Misery.
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He looks worried sometimes. I’m kicking his ass in fantasy basketball. Sometimes I wonder if I irritate him, and that makes me decide I’m not really into him in THAT way. We have a ledge of candy between us–candy I left for him that he can take like a mouse because he never accepts what I offer, and candy he leaves for me because he doesn’t want other people’s offerings either. I gave it guardsmen.

We both left late one night at the same time and I was sleeveless because I’d left my sweater. It was dark outside, there was a little bit of moon, and it hadn’t looked like a rainy day, but as I was pulling out of the parking lot, it started to rain.

It made me think about how ghosts sometimes can have an entire life of their own when all they want is to meet themselves before they died.