I told edison to ask me one day about the g-string man. He asked me why it had to be one day? Why couldn’t it be now.
So I told him the story. At the end, I asked him what he thought would have happened if I actually stopped to talk to him.
He said, he probably would have spoken to you in Spanish.
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Oh kona…you beautiful wasteland. The earth looks like water, the water a desert. This just may be heaven.
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Watched my mom sew as I went on about principles of truth in communication. When she finished she was upset because despite sewing, her swimsuit still had an issue. She cursed herself and I said, don’t worry, I don’t even know how to do that so it’s pretty good.
She said, they had to take classes for this in school.
I think about it. Hey, how come you never taught me how to sew?
She has that oh-fuck-i’m-called-out look on her face, then waves me off. Go learn it yourself.
I was howling. That’s alway been the way she’s approached the process.
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Full moon over North Beach and the weirdest thing happened. We were leaving a sushi restaurant and taking pictures. It was my mom, Edward, my grandma and I. I saw this guy in a Prius wearing a skull cap drive by. We smiled at each other. I saw him turn his car around as we got in ours.
They wanted me to drive. As I was fumbling around trying to figure out the lights, my mom said, there’s was a guy who was almost naked. We looked around and she said he was gone. We asked her a bunch of questions–was he in a car, was he showing her that he was naked… She said he’d been standing by a car and was wearing a g-string. Her story sounded bizarre and I wondered if she was going senile. But then, a few minutes later, we turned out of the parking lot and there walking along the side of the road with his bare ass cheeks to us was a naked guy in a g-string.
We busted out laughing. I wanted to go back and take a picture of him so people would believe this, but when we turned back, he was nowhere in site. As we turned onto the highway, a Prius screeched by in the left lane. I remember thinking simultaneously that this was the guy from the parking lot, and that I must be driving too slow.
We were driving and talking about the g-string man. We wondered if he was going to the house party that was going on near the restaurant, or maybe he was doing some night swimming. As we were lamenting not having a picture to verify our experience, we rounded the corner and there, walking away from us was a butt-naked guy wearing a g-string. We howled in laughter and my mom demanded this time, we had to take a picture.
We turned around and rolled down our window, but the guy was back inside his car. Just go, my mom said, and we jammed out of there, but we were going in the opposite direction from the hotel. They were telling me I needed to turn the car around, but I was watching the rear-view mirror. Bad news, guys, I said. It looks like he’s following us.
It was seriously scary. He followed me through these empty streets lined with trees that reminded me so much of that forest road in la push when I went out driving alone under the full moon. Come to think of it, one of the local cops had pulled me over, but acted like he just wanted to talk to me.
So this guy followed me, flashed his lights and kept trying to get me to pull over. My family was freaking out and keep saying that she was very scared. I told her to calm down. I wondered if I would have to prepare for defensive driving maneuvers in case he tried to run me off the road. A fucking Prius! I wished I could be doing this in a BMW but I figured I learned how to drive with minivan, And I used to race with it.
So I kept an eye on him, trying to drive like I didn’t even notice him, not panicking. Edward navigated me to a loop that would allow me to drive towards the hotel, which saved me a 180 maneuver. At one point, he was honking but we ignored him. So he swerved into the right lane as soon as one opened up and looked right at me as he passed by.
Slowed down, letting him increase the distance ahead of me. I would rather have him in front but I was afraid he would stop and block the road or something insane. My family calmed down but I was still tense watching his taillights. He did slam on the brakes once and I slowed to a crawl. The car behind me must have thought I was drunk. He started moving again. So did I, keeping as much distance as possible. He gained a lot of ground, then suddenly hit the brakes. I got a rush of adrenaline. He pulled over!, my mom yelled.
I approached carefully, seeing his car but not him. I worried he would jump in front of my car. I decided to make break for it, stepping on the gas. As we pass his car, he suddenly jumps out of the shadows with his thumb out like a hitchhiker. Still in nothing but a skullcap and g-string.
He’s waving some blue squares of paper in his other hand. They look like club fliers or something. Of course we don’t stop for this crazy motherfucker so we keep driving, passing him as he furiously waves his thumb at us. In my rearview mirror, I saw him throw his hand to the sky in naked frustration. Then he scrambled to his car,
He’s still following us, I said.
We were about 10 miles away from the hotel, arguing about why this was happening and what could he want. He was behind another car that was keeping him at bay, but it looked like he’d given up anyway. I performed a scary dotted-line pass of two cars and with them between me and the Prius, I felt better. The whole experience was bizarre and creepy, and I was glad I wasn’t the only one who’d witnessed it. How weird would that be if that guy was some ghost who haunts is stretch of freeway?, I said.
The weird thing was that there was something on the windshield the whole time we were driving, like a frost stain.the wipers weren’t resolving it; neither was the defrost. It was troublesome enough that my mom was complaining about it. But after we got Way from the guy, my mom made the comment that the weird frost was gone. Like somewhere during that guy chasing us, the weird frost disappeared.
When we pulled into the hotel, we asked the woman at the gate if shed ever heard of some guy in a g-string, then we told her the story. She was blown away. I’ve never heard of that, she said. You should have called the cops. The guy at the valet wondered if it was some guy he called Monkey Man that he’d heard some stories about, but when pressed for the details of those stories, he couldn’t provide details.
The funniest thing? My t-shirt read, WTF?
two tauruses now. the earth man. his need to be thorough.
I spin him so hard. I want him so badly. And yet my heart has to open so wide in the morning, that during those working hours, I basically forget. I have to be so big to let him be. And I see the stress of it in him. His neck. His sweat. The fact I read his plans in my dream. But I’m not confident enough to be sure we shared that dream. And I make myself not know. And I think how mortified it is if he’s known all along.
The other, is a terrifying dark force.
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“The crossbow is a shadow weapon but the honor of use is dependent on the user. Bad for my enemies, good if I’m backing you up. Someone who gets hit probably deserved it.”
He called me a backstabber because of my weapon of choice. I shoot through the front, from the shadows. I’ve never killed from behind.
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White Elephant party at work. I say to him, I’ll tell you which one is mine and you tell me which one is yours when this is over.
Shake Weight was one of the first gifts. I knew right away that I wanted it. There’d been a day when I’d shown the snl parody and we’d joked about it. The girl I took it from was happy.
Later, marketing and I were playing with it obscenely in the aisle when he walks by and says, “The shake weight was my gift.”
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No one had any idea about how I felt. Or maybe everyone did. Doesn’t matter though. Feelings don’t always know the whole story. I respect the lives that they’ve built.
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Company party last night…Bohr and I.
“Will you believe in magic if I can make this happen?”
“I don’t believe in magic. I believe in you. I believe you’re powerful and could probably make it happen.”
Later…
“Oh my god. Oh my god. This is unbelievable. You’re willing this.”
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Michael stands up to dad.
“What about a thing called respect for elders?”
“Whatcho talkin’ bout? Don’t buy me CDs anymore. Don’t be nice to me if you’re just going to be mean.”
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No vacations in the horizon, I don’t like to be away when I’m focused on work so as much as I wanted to go to Hawaii after Christmas, I can’t get away.
Then my mom turns to me tonight and says, let’s go to europe next year.
Sure.
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I don’t know why men I’m a mind reader. You can read minds without being a mind reader. Don’t expect me to know what you’re thinking.
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