I need to recognize the tells to erase them.

August 14th, 2011 | Comments Off on

I think it’s biological. I’m looking for high testosterone markers. I’m not into beards, only some type of guy with a beard. I used to really dislike them. It’s like I’m subconsciously preparing to nest.

August 14th, 2011 | Comments Off on

I’m so consistent now. Dark hair, beard. Dark hair. Beard. Even mornings when I come into work to find Jerry has shaved off his beard give me a shock. I feel like it’s not him, where’s the other guy?

This has to be something.

Outside Lands yesterday, watching The Roots. I can’t believ how much weed there was. Everyone was smoking. Guy in the group next to me. Black hair. Black beard. Looked like a former linebacker. The sun was setting and he took off his sunglasses and when I saw his eyes, I got a jolt. For a split second I recognized him. And then it was gone, faded into a muted familiarity. He looked like Brian from Parks and Recreations but more sharp. He looked like my ex best friend/boyfriend of 3 weeks Rob, if his life had been together. And he must have recognized me too, because when we locked eyes, he froze.

His friend was between us so we had a barrier. I know he was aware of me and I was aware of him. We were both dancing and we would smile at each other sometimes. I knew he was sneaking looks at me, and I was sneaking looks at him. Then I don’t know, I got distracted. I thought this girl was buying pills from this dude in dreadlocks and he and his friend were leaving. He swung my way, leaned in and said hi. No smile, no presumption, both a statement and a question. I said hi. I had the impulse that I should shake his hand, engage in touch. Acknowledge that we both recognized each other. But I didn’t. It was that moment in that dream with Jerry on the stairs. My instincts fired but my body didn’t react. I smiled at him like I’m just friendly, and then he was gone.

I was hit by regret but kept telling myself he would find me. If he’s my guy, he would find me, when I’m ready, whoever he is.

And of course it makes me sad. When I had that dream with Jerry it was hopeful. There was an intimacy and bond there that reminded me it’s there. Whether it’s him or the person my dreams use him to represent. And then lately, with me getting glimpses of the future in dreams, it makes me wonder if I warned myself to do what I wanted, to control the moment, or was this a pay attention crib sheet, so I would know there was a lesson embedded into the moment, even if this encounter wasnt the end result?

Dark hair. Beard. Shaved head sometimes. Eyes. I recognize him by his eyes and energy in every dream. The man before time. Last night I was showing the universe that I believe that. I let the guy go and figured he would find me if he was right. Otherwise, this guy is still out there. I’m becoming very consistent. Also, they’re built big. Whatever their ethnicity, they’ve been either physical or energetic embodiments of panthers.

August 14th, 2011 | Comments Off on