Sometimes it’s the fear of being alone thats drives you to be alone.

August 9th, 2011 | Comments Off on

In any given situation, I perceive more than I admit. I find that most people struggle with what they want to hide, and what they’re afraid to show. And these tend to be the most obvious.

Things like your need to be regarded as competent. And how you’ll fight me if I point it out, but your father was a hard man who was stingy with his approval, but you would rather idolize him, idealize him, than admit how unworthy he made you feel. How because you are incapable of giving love to yourself, no one will be able to love you enough, and you’ll always resent them for it and feel guilty because deep down you know what it is you really resent. It will be a one person shadowplay, until the day you open the door and accept.

I never got into these games like World of Warcraft or Second Life. Life already feels like I’m walking around a world of people who don’t realize they’re not avatars.

August 9th, 2011 | Comments Off on

Do most people remember everyone they’ve slept with? I wonder. When I was much younger, I thought it was strange when someone told me he’d been with 8 or 9 women…he couldn’t remember. I thought it was strange because that’s not a high number to not be sure…it wasn’t like remembering if you’d been with 42 or 43 people. But now I wonder if it’s just that some experiences aren’t memorable. Some experiences turn out not to matter.

August 9th, 2011 | Comments Off on

4am. Can’t sleep. I spent the day feeling like I was on a boat, bobbing, the symptom of my time by an ocean or the grueling time on planes, I’m not sure. Displaced.

I read in Psychology Today, the US Weekly equivalent of intellectual magazines, about highly sensitive people. How they’ve found 20% of people are more emotionally affected by their environment, how they absorb feelings like a sponge. The article used so many key words that are attributed to Piscean placements.

It was kind of a shallow forgettable article, but it talked about how small percentage of these people are extroverts, but still, they are processing so much stimulus from their environment that it’s taxing. The extreme caution because they are able to see and analyze all potentials. How hard it is to be dismissed as being too sensitive. I asked my mom to read it but she wasn’t interested. Secretly I had hoped she would because she’s always dismissing me as being too sensitive. One thing at least I wish people would understand. I spend so much time alone because interaction with people, while I revel in it and covet it, is very taxing on me. In any given interaction, I’m automatically perceiving on so many simultaneous levels, that I get drained. Being alone is my way of controlling outside stimuli and either recharging or protecting myself. Matt and Jerry once laughed when I said in my private life I can be very quiet. But sometimes, the only thing I need is to put my head on someone’s chest and fall asleep to a steady heartbeat. No noise. No echoes. Just truth. Truth is the only thing I can relax to.

August 9th, 2011 | Comments Off on