Don’t want to think about it
Don’t want to talk about it
I’m so sick about it
I’m done. It’s a good thing.
Bad dreams to end ambiguous feelings.
Really fucked up dream last night. I was some kind of evil psychopath and I had a girl coming to visit me and for whatever reason I decided I was going to torture her. She got here and I acted like we were friends but I drugged her drink so she passed out. Then I bound and gagged her and threw her in the back of a van while I went out prowling bars.
It was weird because it was me–my brain, but I was evil. I walked around the streets of Santa Monica, smug that little did people know I had this poor girl tied up in my car. I think I must have had her in there for a couple of days because I remember thinking she’s probably terrified and wet/shit herself by now, and it gave me a very complex feeling of both sadistic pleasure and guilt. And rage at her for ever trusting me.
I remember I was walking on the Promenade when I saw Nick from the gym except he was bald. I know he’s not into me, and I could have sworn he saw me then got up to leave because he didn’t want to talk to me.
I think around then it dawned on me what I’d done, that I would either have to kill her or go to prison. What was I gonna say? Just kidding? I think I knew it was a dream because I said to myself, you better end this world but I wanted to get her first so I went back to the car. I remember the smell of vomit and she was scared and more happy to see me than realizing I was the one that did this to her. I felt like a monster. Then I woke up.
I know that they say in some interpretations, every character in a dream represents an aspect of you. In this one, I was a sadistic monster and a naively trusting victim. Maybe I’m angry at the part of me that has held on to something I shouldn’t have for too long. Or maybe my unrequited feelings for someone unobtainable is the monster, the way I’ve kept my insides trapped from actually interacting with the world.
I don’t know. It was hard for me to get up today. I felt dirty from the world I’d walked in, the skin I’d lived in. I went through the day with no feelings. A heart of cement.
Today, I felt nothing.