Echo

My slump continues. It’s like there’s a lid on the basket. I know it means there’s something else I’m supposed to be working through. The most inefficient thing I can do is focus on the frustration and wallow. The best is to figure out what is the lesson at this level. The truth is I am being frustrated in various aspects of my life. I am losing my cool. It means I am losing control, letting the outside control me. Can I ride it out? Can I recognize what and who is good for me, and what and who is not? Can I stay above the fray and breathe? Breathe, baby. Just breathe. There are people who believe in you. Let things come to you. You are being asked to create more space with vision.

Fucking irritated at what’s going on at work. Don’t even fucking talk to me.

It is amazing how I can compartmentalize. No wonder I lose track of my feelings sometimes. On one hand I can be completely professional, smile and work and cooperate. On another level, I’m seething. No one can tell. I barely notice it myself. Until I’m alone and my mind goes to it and up comes disgust. But who am I really disgust with? Not them. I’m disgusted with myself for even noticing.

From a professional standpoint, this is going nowhere good.

I slept really poorly last night. Was dreaming that I wanted to buy a new place because my place in San Jose has extremely hard water that is making my hair fall out (true…that’s why I have only been showering at my parents’ house…it’s a known problem that we’re trying to get the developer to address). I was looking at this place that’s $5 million that had 5 bedrooms but was only 700 sq ft, but it was adjacent to the Russian River for rafting and had a private pool. I was looking at the listing and thought it didn’t make sense. San Francisco real estate was out of whack. I kept waking up thinking, you don’t want to live in SF because that place is a bottleneck, but I would go back to sleep frantic to move out of my place in San Jose.

Those fitful dreams were cut in with thoughts about basketball and wanting to stop playing. I thought I tore my ACL again yesterday. It was dangerously close. I recognize that I am lucky it didn’t tear. I went to practice just trying to take it easy. We have a player that I really try hard not to play against. She’s great if she’s on your team, dangerous if you’re playing against her. Reckless. She tends to ram her butt right into me right above the knee and she actually injured me a few weeks ago when she hit me on the side of the knee;  that was a really scary moment as well and I’m still recovering from it. last night I was under the basket and she popped her butt straight into my kneecap, causing it to slam backwards and buckled. I shifted my weight immediately to my other leg but it was very, very close. Scarily close. For a split second, I thought my ACL was done.

I did get kind of mad because she’s always saying I don’t take care of my body, but she’s my biggest risk of injury on the court, so part me of wonders if she’s unconsciously trying to hurt me to prove a point, but I try not to think like that because I’m sure she’s not consciously trying to hurt me. But I have to be realistic about assessing the risk and she’s a big risk. After yesterday, I think it’s not worth the risk.  I think I was really worried about the game today, about if I would try to get up in the morning to find that my ACL is torn. I woke up this morning feeling crappy, feeling scared, feeling unhappy. But at least when I stood up, the knee felt okay.

It’s not worth the risk. I’m not trying to prove anything, and I play like shit when I worry about getting injured anyway. It’s just not worth it.