I’ve been sleeping with a nightlight. My brother put it there when he was in a really accommodating mood and so I’ve been sleeping with a nightlight.
The last few months have been like hell. November, December and January felt like it was a fight for survival–I didn’t know if I was fighting not to be eaten or to prevent myself from eating someone. Meanwhile, I was filled with fears and doubts about if I was going in the right direction, but I had to keep moving even though some nights my insides were frozen with terror. Then something opened up the last two weeks, it felt like my time had come and fruit started falling from the tree.
I know something changed inside me since Jerry’s wedding. I feel like I went through a doorway and came out a different person. Maybe I just don’t give a fuck anymore. Like I told my coworker, 2012 we’re going balls to the walls and we’re not stopping until our pants are on the floor. In the last two weeks, I feel like so many things have come to a head and I’ve been called to step up, and I have stepped up, roaring, stomping, owning everything and everyone in my path. In fact, I just listed poning as one of my skills on Linked In. I feel massive. I feel like the energy running through me could light the night sky. I just don’t give a shit anymore and I’m not holding back.
Synchronicities lately too. Haven’t been many in a while so I feel like something’s coming in, plus the Leap Day. First, I had a meeting with a guy who told me his birthday was May 14th. I told him, good birthday. The next day, I run into my neighbor and she’s pregnant. I ask her when she’s due, and she says May 14th. Good birthday, I say for the second time in two days. Same meeting, the guy’s partner tells me to check out this YouTube clip of this guy with Tourette’s singing Crash Test Dummimies, Mmmm Mmmmm Mmmm. So the day I watch it, I end up driving around after work and decide I want to find a place with a jukebox. Turns out the place had a live blues band with a full line of beers on tap and the guy at the front waived my cover. Despite growing up in Fremont, I’d never known of this place’s existence but it turned out to be a hidden gem. So the band goes on break and someone puts on music over the speaker system. It’s Crash Test Dummies, Mmmm Mmmmm Mmmmm. It felt like the song was following me.
The last big one was how I was feeling this week, like Godzilla with a belly full of fire. The day after Leap Day, I get an email from a guy I went to college with whom I haven’t spoken to in over 10 years. He says he had a dream about me and is wondering how I’m doing. I told him it’s strange for him to be writing me now because I’m in the midst of being in a place I’ve never been before. I ask him what he’d dreamed and he said I was hosting a party at my place in LA and a bunch of people he knows were there. And I was drinking a drink that was fluorescent, like it was made out of light. I told him that’s uncanny because that’s exactly how I feel lately. I’m a ball of fire right now and he managed to see me all the way from Pittsburgh with a 10 year difference.
Speaking of dreams, if I dream I had sex with someone and it was good, and that makes me act nicer to that person in real life, deep down, is there a part of them that knows I’m being nicer because in a dream, we had sex?