You Are Guaranteed to Hurt the Ones Who Love You
Just because you’re human. Thus, is the nature of life.
I am not a cynical person. Only very honest about the things that are true that we don’t want to admit.
I am a very social person. I have a wide circle of friends and acquaintances and am warm and magnanimous towards just about everyone. But in all honesty, as open and caring as I am with most people in my life, there are only a handful of people whom I’ve allowed to be very close to me, and to these people, I have given a piece of my heart and soul.
When someone says to me, “I would never hurt you,” I greatly appreciate the place they are coming from and their benevolent intentions. I have had amazing people say that to me and I know they would never, ever hurt me by their actions and thoughts, and I know the depth with which they care about me; it’s incredibly beautiful and I cry a little inside when I think of them because I know I will never find the words to express how much their very existence and their kindness mean to me.
But inherently, when you let people in, they will hurt you, because you can’t hold on to anything in this life. You can’t take anything with you. And people go away, be it by circumstance or death. And no matter what your spiritual beliefs are, no matter where you can escape to within your head or your activities, it doesn’t change the fact that loss is never easy to deal with.
I do not fear my own death. I fear the death of my loved ones. And this fear is so powerful and consuming, that I’m terrified of getting too close to too many people out of self-protection. When I care deeply about people, I don’t like to tell them. Sometimes, I don’t even let myself admit it. One reason is because people perceive me as such a surfacey creature–fleeting, optimistic and flippant, that I don’t know how comfortable they would be if they knew the depth of my emotional well and how strong my feelings can be. I tend to show the passionate, intense side of me in tiny, measured amounts, because I’m afraid of overwhelming people.
The other reason, is that if I tell someone that their existence has been stitched into the very fiber of my soul and I would give everything inside of me and go to the lengths of the universe to help them find comfort in this difficult life, then it’s out there. It’s real. And I can’t pretend that they haven’t gotten so deep within me that one day, when they have to go away, a part of me will die.
It doesn’t mean I’m not thankful for the people who are in my life. I am so incredibly grateful and thank God every day for the amazing souls who have reconnected with me and are here to accompany me for however long in this lifetime. But just to be honest, if I let you in to the deepest parts of me, inevitably, one day, you WILL hurt me.
So when someone says to me, “I would never hurt you,” it’s not that I don’t believe your intentions. I do and I trust you, otherwise, I would never have let you in. But just know that that statement, by the very limits of life and human experience, is not true.