Echo

‘Forever’ in Relationships…

And as we make our vow
Let us remember how
There’s nothing good that lasts forever
( Freedom , David Gray)

From one of my favorite books, The Feast of Love (Charles Baxter):

Every relationship has at least one really good day. What I mean is, no matter how sour things go, there’s always that day. That day is always in your possession. That’s the day you remember. You get old and you think: well, at least I had that day. It happened once. You think all the variables might just line up again. But they don’t…What I’m saying is: that day was here and then it was gone, but I remember it, so it exists here somewhere, and somewhere all those events are still happening and still going on forever. I believe it.

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Nothing on this earth lasts forever. We spend so much time fighting the universe, fighting the very currents that make up existence, trying to hold on to things. We try to hold on to our youth. To our appearances. To wealth. To people. To the passion of an exciting new relationship. But life moves us forward and things change and go away. Even with relationships…either the relationship changes or the people do, often both. And it’s not because you never knew the person; it’s just that they grew, and they grew into something that is not the long-gone idea of the person you’re still holding on to.

I believe people shed layers of their beings the way snakes shed skin. We are all constantly evolving, changing, growing. And if you only cling to and “see” one layer, that layer will be so far gone, that one day when you take another serious look at this person, you’ll find yourself shocked–this person is near unrecognizable because he or she has evolved and gone through so many changes since you last really looked.

How can someone like me, who can’t help but see the transient nature of life and all the things that can not be possessed and held on to, ever in good conscience, make a long-term vow when I can not predict the manner in which our relationship will turn or our individual spirits will grow? What if I make a vow and find that years later, our partnership has outgrown its purpose and is no longer healthy and uplifting to both of us? I’ve learned, it is pointless to hold on too tight and fight the natural course of life. You will only hurt yourself and other people by doing so.

Can’t I just love you as you are now, and as our connection is now, renewing and reaffirming my love with every new interaction? Why do we force ourselves into pacts which we may not be able to uphold? I try very hard to not make promises I can’t keep. And with marriage… inherently, we are making a childish pact based on our need for earthly security. How can I in good conscience, look someone I truly love in the eye, and make this vow of lifelong and eternity when I know that in the event our connection is done serving its purpose and begins to hurt either or both of us, it must be broken? You hope that the relationship and both partners grow in compatible ways. But again, life gives no guarantees.

If I love you, I will love you forever and I will cherish our connection forever, no matter where our life paths take us, even if we are no longer together after our connection has served its greater purpose . And nothing can take away from the power and truth of those feelings.

Can’t that be enough? Please?

Settling

To say that I have a fear of commitment or a fear of marriage is not quite accurate. As Whitney once said, anyone who has ever seen me in a relationship will know that I don’t have a problem with commitment. As another friend of mine observed, once I decide I’m in love, I march in all the troops so I have to be careful who I fall for.

If there is fear of anything, it would be of letting myself settle. I want to spend the rest of my time here on earth with a companion soul in a relationship that elevates us and brings out the best in us while giving us mutual understanding, respect, compassion and comfort. That is the only connection I am willing to have in a partner for the rest of my life. But I have yet to meet that person. Which is fine, because I can be pretty patient, and that person will be worth the wait.

I know I settle in dating and relationships. Because I seek out companionship when I’m lonely or bored, to pass the time until I find that connection I’m looking for. Every relationship I’ve ever had has been some form of settling, some worse than others. I’ve dated guys just for access to sex. I’ve dated guys just to have the comfort of a warm body to sleep next to during cold winters. I’ve dated guys because they were mental distractions. I’ve even dated a really ugly guy from the inside out and the outside in, a bad person whom I didn’t respect and whose principles and energy I often hated, just to see if maybe there was a human being somewhere deep down inside, because I don’t like to think that people can really be that ugly. Yes, last year was a complete embarrassment. And all my friends and family made sure to tell me so during both our our time together and after. But I think it was one of those things I had to go through, just to understand that bad people can’t be saved, and I really shouldn’t be trying.

I hate break ups and if I know something’s not going to work out, it’s really pointless to get totally involved. I enjoy living life without a companion because I spend a lot of time quietly observing the world and promoting better understanding of it within myself and to the world at large. I have a great group of friends, and even though I get lonely every once in a while, I find that the universe will even send me kind strangers with infectious smiles sometimes, to lift me up when I’m down. So I always feel like I’m on the right path and don’t have to feel the need to be in control and force something that I’ll regret later. If that connection comes along someday, that would be great, but if it doesn’t, I’ll still lead a fulfilled life, exploring everything that is under the surface of our world and communicating the things I see and feel. I’m not going to waste opening up the channels of true intimacy and soul exchange with someone who doesn’t deserve it or doesn’t understand what he’s getting and thus, doesn’t understand how to give.

There have only been two people in my life with whom I felt that connection. I had relationships with neither, because I wasn’t ready with the first one, and the second one isn’t available. But it’s good that I met them. It’s like the universe was letting me know what I’m looking for. So I think I’m close. And knowing that keeps me focused on the connection that will make me fulfilled, while recognizing the connections that will ultimately lead to disappointment and heartache on both sides if I commit myself for a lifetime to someone who is not my spiritual life partner.