Here I Am…Rock You Like a Hurricane…
Okay, everyone…sorry I’ve been so absent as of late. I’ve been busy fighting the evil android minions of this wikked, wikked week and listening to bad 80s music by bad 80s hair bands that makes me want to perm my hair, go at it with some Aqua Net and put on a pink tube top under a bleached jean jacket for no other reason than because I can. And follow a Van Halen cover band around on tour.
Anyway, the comings and goings of this wikked wikked week. Oh how I hate you, let me count the ways:
1. I felt fat. Because I’m still banned from the gym, but have now been okayed to engage in 3 wimpy arm exercises using 2-5 pound weights while lying on a firm surface on my back. Will I be impersonating Rico Bad Ass from the Prison Yard? No. Right now, I’m like the guy who’s in for passing bad checks who’s known for huddling up against the wall in the showers, clinging to his bar of soap.
2. I have a drug problem. My veins are collapsing. The toilet bowl cleaner’s been hissing those threats again but the shampoo has offered me protection…for a price. (What the fuck, Pantene? You know I ain’t got no money.) And someone’s pissed on my mattress in the corner of the floor again. No wait. That was me. The shakes…ohhh god…the shakes….
3. My mom has informed me, she’s coming to live with me. Yes, for 7-10 day periods, alternating weeks, lather, rinse, repeat. Among other things I will soon be able to enjoy, such as screaming matches into the wee hours of the evening, this will effectively be the end of my anonymous sex rampage. Because I’m sure she’s going to ask them for their names. And those are just things that I don’t want to know.
4. November. November. November. You know I’m scared of you.
5. I’m angry.
Other things of note from this week:
1. Came home to find orange cones, knee pads and a helmet in the middle of my hallway. (Welcome,
2. I’ve somehow been named the Queen of All Things Inappropriate ( From
3. Stood in line at Walgreen’s behind a middle-aged woman purchasing eggs and Maxi-pads, and another purchasing ribbed condoms, pantyhose and an Ace ankle bandage (I don’t know what kind of party she was headed to but I wish she would take me…).
4. A dog manages to not only dial 911 when its owner collapses, but also to summons help and to unlock the door for the paramedics.
http://msnbc.msn.com/id/6364394/
And meanwhile, George W. Bush is the leader of the free world. Let’s take a moment to think about this. Smart dog…dumb man. Smart dog…dumb man. Smart dog…dumb man. Smart dog…dumb man. My brain just short-circuited.
5. A drunk ho and a crazy bitch are not interchangeable, but if they walk into a bar together, the punchline is bound to be tragic.
Have a great weekend, folks.