Echo

WHITNEY!

I’m rewatching Romy and Michele’s (Best movie ever!) and you know that scene where the vice principal tells Michele she has detention and they’re walking away with their hamburgers? Did you ever notice Sandy Frink way in the background, fully turned around, staring longingly at her with a big goofy grin? I think I just found the antithesis of that Twin Peaks’ guy-crouching-at-the-food-of-the-bed shot. It’s freakin’ HILARIOUS.

Indians pitcher shot on team bus

There’s a REALLY funny twist to this story!!

Some of my favorite quotes from Romy and Michele’s High School Reunion:

[looking at yearbook pictures]
Romy : Oh my God! Remember what a big controversy it was for us to have our picture taken together?
Michele : Yeah, because Danny Weller like, lodged that complaint. Because alphabetically he was supposed to be between us.
Romy : So we said: “OK Danny. If you want to be between us, come to Michele’s house on Friday night and we’ll be waiting.”
Michele : And then he showed up, and we were like: “Danny, it was a joke!”
Romy : And then we turned the sprinklers on him! [both laugh hysterically]
Michele : Oh my God! [abruptly stops laughing]
Michele : Didn’t he die?
Romy : I think so.

******

Heather : Why are you tormenting me? Why don’t you go fuck a sheep, or your sister, or YOURSELF? Braindead redneck asshole!

******
Clarence: By the way, I never fucked a sheep or my sister.
Heather: Why? You couldn’t catch them?

******

Romy : Hey, um, great suit. Is that an Armani?
Suit Salesman : Yes. Yes, it is.
Romy : I thought so. So, what do you do?
Suit Salesman : I’m a suit salesman.
Romy : Would you excuse me? I cut my foot before and my shoe is filling up with blood.

******

Michele : Oh my God, you did it!
Romy : Yeah, I did.
Michele : What did you have to do?
Romy : I had to give everyone in the service department hand jobs.
Michele : Well, while you were doing that, I made us a tape of all the nostalgic songs from high school to get us in the mood.
Romy : Michele?
Michele : What?
Romy : Do you really think I would do that? For a car?
[Michele stares blankly]
Romy : Just get in.
Michele : O.K.

******
Heather : Do you live with Michele Weinberger?
Romy : Yeah.
Heather : I just figured she’d be married to Sandy by now.
Romy : Sandy Frink?
Heather : Yes, Sandy Frink! He could barely contain his erection every time she walked by! Why do you think he always carried around that huge notebook?
Romy : The Frink-a-zoid and Michele… I’m sure! Besides, didn’t *you* have a thing for Sandy in high school?
Heather : I did not have a THING! I did not have a thing, I did NOT have a THING! I was VERY much in love with him! VERY much in love and there’s a difference!
[to customer behind her]
Heather : There’s a difference!
[to Romy]
Heather : There’s a difference!
[whispers]
I have to go now.

******
Toby Walters : Since you never got around to it in high school, I was wondering if you would sign my yearbook. And please don’t tell me to fuck off, because it really hurts my feelings.
Heather : I hurt your feelings?
Toby Walters : Yeah, all the time.
Heather : Tremendous! That’s tremendous! Go get your stupid yearbook, I would be happy to sign it!

******
Heather : This dress exacerbates the genetic betrayal that is my legacy.

******
Michele : For me, it’s like I’ve just given birth to my own baby girl, except she’s like a big giant girl who smokes and says “shit” a lot. You know?

******

Romy : I’ve been killing myself for eight days and I gained a pound.
Michele : That’s impossible. Did you deduct sixteen pounds for your shoes?

******
Romy : Well, anyways, are you going?
Heather : [referring to her cigarette] I’d rather put this out in my ass!

******
Michele : Remember the prom? You got so thin by then.
Romy : Oh, I know. I was so lucky getting mono. That was like the best diet ever.

******
Romy : Well at least she’s not the one who got *fat*.
Christie : We’re pregnant, you half-wit.
Romy : Yeah, well, I hope your babies look like monkeys!

******
Michele : I’m the Mary, and you’re the Rhoda.
Romy : YOU’RE the Rhoda, you’re the Jewish one.

It’s hard being so many different things to different people.

This fucking moon is pulling me apart too, m.

What Constitutes Cheating?

http://msn.match.com/msn/article.aspx?articleid=2656&articleSrc=2&sid=E656423E-DBF7-42A0-B0F2-8DE72A08C25D&trackingid=516311&theme=214&lid=159

This is a very general but somewhat interesting article. The definition of cheating really depends on the people involved and what they value and how they measure things. What do you guys consider to be cheating? I don’t care what my significant other does when I’m not around. He can check out other girls, flirt with people, whatever. I don’t care. I’d prefer that he not get physically involved with other people. But then if we have an open relationship that has been clearly discussed and outlined, then I don’t care. What I want to avoid is being blindsighted. I think I’m more concerned with, what do certain thoughts/actions reflect about how much he believes in me and our relationship? How much he respects these things? Anything outside of that is harmless. Everyone likes to feel desired and attractive. Let him flirt all he wants when I’m not around. But just don’t do it when I’m around because then it’s disrespectful of me and the relationship.

I know I said that I would prefer a guy who waits at home. But if it’s all innocent, what I don’t know won’t kill me and I don’t ask. Time away from me is YOUR time. If I’m dating you, I trust you, so as long as you’re not taking advantage of that trust and messing around, have a ball. It’s all good with me.

You Are Guaranteed to Hurt the Ones Who Love You

Just because you’re human. Thus, is the nature of life.

I am not a cynical person. Only very honest about the things that are true that we don’t want to admit.

I am a very social person. I have a wide circle of friends and acquaintances and am warm and magnanimous towards just about everyone. But in all honesty, as open and caring as I am with most people in my life, there are only a handful of people whom I’ve allowed to be very close to me, and to these people, I have given a piece of my heart and soul.

When someone says to me, “I would never hurt you,” I greatly appreciate the place they are coming from and their benevolent intentions. I have had amazing people say that to me and I know they would never, ever hurt me by their actions and thoughts, and I know the depth with which they care about me; it’s incredibly beautiful and I cry a little inside when I think of them because I know I will never find the words to express how much their very existence and their kindness mean to me.

But inherently, when you let people in, they will hurt you, because you can’t hold on to anything in this life. You can’t take anything with you. And people go away, be it by circumstance or death. And no matter what your spiritual beliefs are, no matter where you can escape to within your head or your activities, it doesn’t change the fact that loss is never easy to deal with.

I do not fear my own death. I fear the death of my loved ones. And this fear is so powerful and consuming, that I’m terrified of getting too close to too many people out of self-protection. When I care deeply about people, I don’t like to tell them. Sometimes, I don’t even let myself admit it. One reason is because people perceive me as such a surfacey creature–fleeting, optimistic and flippant, that I don’t know how comfortable they would be if they knew the depth of my emotional well and how strong my feelings can be. I tend to show the passionate, intense side of me in tiny, measured amounts, because I’m afraid of overwhelming people.

The other reason, is that if I tell someone that their existence has been stitched into the very fiber of my soul and I would give everything inside of me and go to the lengths of the universe to help them find comfort in this difficult life, then it’s out there. It’s real. And I can’t pretend that they haven’t gotten so deep within me that one day, when they have to go away, a part of me will die.

It doesn’t mean I’m not thankful for the people who are in my life. I am so incredibly grateful and thank God every day for the amazing souls who have reconnected with me and are here to accompany me for however long in this lifetime. But just to be honest, if I let you in to the deepest parts of me, inevitably, one day, you WILL hurt me.

So when someone says to me, “I would never hurt you,” it’s not that I don’t believe your intentions. I do and I trust you, otherwise, I would never have let you in. But just know that that statement, by the very limits of life and human experience, is not true.

‘Forever’ in Relationships…

And as we make our vow
Let us remember how
There’s nothing good that lasts forever
( Freedom , David Gray)

From one of my favorite books, The Feast of Love (Charles Baxter):

Every relationship has at least one really good day. What I mean is, no matter how sour things go, there’s always that day. That day is always in your possession. That’s the day you remember. You get old and you think: well, at least I had that day. It happened once. You think all the variables might just line up again. But they don’t…What I’m saying is: that day was here and then it was gone, but I remember it, so it exists here somewhere, and somewhere all those events are still happening and still going on forever. I believe it.

***************
Nothing on this earth lasts forever. We spend so much time fighting the universe, fighting the very currents that make up existence, trying to hold on to things. We try to hold on to our youth. To our appearances. To wealth. To people. To the passion of an exciting new relationship. But life moves us forward and things change and go away. Even with relationships…either the relationship changes or the people do, often both. And it’s not because you never knew the person; it’s just that they grew, and they grew into something that is not the long-gone idea of the person you’re still holding on to.

I believe people shed layers of their beings the way snakes shed skin. We are all constantly evolving, changing, growing. And if you only cling to and “see” one layer, that layer will be so far gone, that one day when you take another serious look at this person, you’ll find yourself shocked–this person is near unrecognizable because he or she has evolved and gone through so many changes since you last really looked.

How can someone like me, who can’t help but see the transient nature of life and all the things that can not be possessed and held on to, ever in good conscience, make a long-term vow when I can not predict the manner in which our relationship will turn or our individual spirits will grow? What if I make a vow and find that years later, our partnership has outgrown its purpose and is no longer healthy and uplifting to both of us? I’ve learned, it is pointless to hold on too tight and fight the natural course of life. You will only hurt yourself and other people by doing so.

Can’t I just love you as you are now, and as our connection is now, renewing and reaffirming my love with every new interaction? Why do we force ourselves into pacts which we may not be able to uphold? I try very hard to not make promises I can’t keep. And with marriage… inherently, we are making a childish pact based on our need for earthly security. How can I in good conscience, look someone I truly love in the eye, and make this vow of lifelong and eternity when I know that in the event our connection is done serving its purpose and begins to hurt either or both of us, it must be broken? You hope that the relationship and both partners grow in compatible ways. But again, life gives no guarantees.

If I love you, I will love you forever and I will cherish our connection forever, no matter where our life paths take us, even if we are no longer together after our connection has served its greater purpose . And nothing can take away from the power and truth of those feelings.

Can’t that be enough? Please?

Settling

To say that I have a fear of commitment or a fear of marriage is not quite accurate. As Whitney once said, anyone who has ever seen me in a relationship will know that I don’t have a problem with commitment. As another friend of mine observed, once I decide I’m in love, I march in all the troops so I have to be careful who I fall for.

If there is fear of anything, it would be of letting myself settle. I want to spend the rest of my time here on earth with a companion soul in a relationship that elevates us and brings out the best in us while giving us mutual understanding, respect, compassion and comfort. That is the only connection I am willing to have in a partner for the rest of my life. But I have yet to meet that person. Which is fine, because I can be pretty patient, and that person will be worth the wait.

I know I settle in dating and relationships. Because I seek out companionship when I’m lonely or bored, to pass the time until I find that connection I’m looking for. Every relationship I’ve ever had has been some form of settling, some worse than others. I’ve dated guys just for access to sex. I’ve dated guys just to have the comfort of a warm body to sleep next to during cold winters. I’ve dated guys because they were mental distractions. I’ve even dated a really ugly guy from the inside out and the outside in, a bad person whom I didn’t respect and whose principles and energy I often hated, just to see if maybe there was a human being somewhere deep down inside, because I don’t like to think that people can really be that ugly. Yes, last year was a complete embarrassment. And all my friends and family made sure to tell me so during both our our time together and after. But I think it was one of those things I had to go through, just to understand that bad people can’t be saved, and I really shouldn’t be trying.

I hate break ups and if I know something’s not going to work out, it’s really pointless to get totally involved. I enjoy living life without a companion because I spend a lot of time quietly observing the world and promoting better understanding of it within myself and to the world at large. I have a great group of friends, and even though I get lonely every once in a while, I find that the universe will even send me kind strangers with infectious smiles sometimes, to lift me up when I’m down. So I always feel like I’m on the right path and don’t have to feel the need to be in control and force something that I’ll regret later. If that connection comes along someday, that would be great, but if it doesn’t, I’ll still lead a fulfilled life, exploring everything that is under the surface of our world and communicating the things I see and feel. I’m not going to waste opening up the channels of true intimacy and soul exchange with someone who doesn’t deserve it or doesn’t understand what he’s getting and thus, doesn’t understand how to give.

There have only been two people in my life with whom I felt that connection. I had relationships with neither, because I wasn’t ready with the first one, and the second one isn’t available. But it’s good that I met them. It’s like the universe was letting me know what I’m looking for. So I think I’m close. And knowing that keeps me focused on the connection that will make me fulfilled, while recognizing the connections that will ultimately lead to disappointment and heartache on both sides if I commit myself for a lifetime to someone who is not my spiritual life partner.

About My Childhood

Chapter 1: Growing Up First Born

My mom always tells me, “Julia, Michael probably won’t be able to have kids. So we’re counting on you. No black guys….and don’t be gay.”

Just watching Romy and Michelle’s High School Reunion, which is possibly one of the best movies ever made. It’s like a live action cartoon, yet the actors are so SERIOUS about their roles. Lisa Kudrow is ASTOUNDING.

Justin Theroux’s in it too. That guy always makes me FEEL something whenever he’s on screen. You know, living in LA and working in the film industry, you pretty much get desensitized to celebrity. You recognize that they’re just normal people, and in a way, you almost figure they’re almost people you don’t want to be around because of their egos or how conscious they are of themselves. So I usually avoid actors like the plague and am not terribly impressed by them. But the only two actors I can think of who I would totally sleep with if they just asked, are Justin Theroux and Clive Owen. I. would. be. defenseless. What is it about dark, mysterious men that just devastates me?

Everybody Loves a Dirty Sanchez (Part II)

So I’m sitting in traffic on my way to work, and I happen to glance over at the lane going in the other direction. Sitting right next to me, is a huge, hot-pink 18 wheeler. All muscle, baby…the automotive equivalent of a big, black 15-inch surgically enhanced porn rod. But the topper? On the driver-side door, in fancy airbrushed lettering, were the words, “Dirty Sanchez Trucking.”

Hmm.

I think the small print underneath said, “Gangbang services at no extra charge.”

And it had a bumper sticker that said, “My other car is the Pussy Wagon.”

No seriously…WTF, man?

Dude! No wonder Brian and I are so depressed today. Mercury went into Scorpio today so we’re thinking all morbid, dark thoughts. Not that I believe that where a planet moves dictates the evolution of people’s lives. But I do believe that astrology is a creative way to use symbols to identify the currents that affect our soul energies. In the same way that American Indians named their spirits. And the way scientists named wave frequencies. We’re just speaking in different languages, trying to describe energy. Life force. What we are. I like to think of what we really are at the core, our souls, as ghosts of sorts–each a floating awareness, completely free of any physical tensions, being blown whimsically by a soft, cool fall wind, blowing at dusk. The many faces and emotions of the wind are the numerous conflicting energy currents around us on the physical plane. The ones that lightly nudge (or violently shock) us towards the destination where time and space collapse to become one and the same. The ones we perceive as an intuitive pull, an instinct, an intrigue, or a burning bead of desire that motivates us along our lives. Or for the more spiritually dense, the impulsive forces of a chaotic anti-system that working off a cause/effect linear model, outputting statistical coincidence. (think: those theoretical monkeys in a room who by sheer statistical probability, achieved the right combination of symbols and banged out Shakespeare on a typewriter). Regardless of how these forces are visualized and expressed, it can not be denied that they exist. I’ve found the easiest way to live, is to let go of all tension…in your mind, in your body, in your heart, and just let yourself be directed by the currents, follow their cues… When you give up control and let go of spiritual tension so that your psychic awareness is taking in all of the energies around you, you’ll find your life going in interesting places.

You’ll find your universe becomes more synchronized. I believe a lot of life is the equivalent of coincidence for a person, in a manner of speaking, merely in the fact that you don’t really care about things that don’t directly pertain to you. Therefore, you have limited awareness of it, but really, no need to focus on it. It’s filler. All those other people are all union extras. You don’t need to know their names. But the things that directly affect you seemingly at random, are NOT coincidences. They move you along as well as serve as markers to tell you if you’re on the right or wrong path. Sometimes it’ll be the people I meet, an idea sparked by something I read or random experiences.

For example, last week I was having a conversation with someone about energy and intent. About how someone who is very empathic can feel people’s energy and have a very good idea of a person’s intentions, motivations and general internal make-up. A few days later, I went to a party where a psychologist was randomly passing out an article on an experiment that was done in which it was shown that how a water crystal forms can be influence by the energy of words (they would wrap a piece of paper with a word written on it around a glass of water and then freeze it. Different words created distinctly different crystal formations, with positive words forming the most complex formations and negative words sometimes not forming crystals at all). Beautiful. Someone was testing for anima. I was really excited because I had JUST been talking about this. So I put myself in a corner and read the article, thinking about this stuff and the problem is that I don’t think it’s a word written on a piece of paper that affected the composition of the crystal formations. I think it was the intent of the person who placed the paper, that person’s energy, the projected expectations, that the water recorded within its crystal formations. The article didn’t mention if the experiment was also run blind where the person who placed the paper didn’t know what the word was. I suspect that would make a huge difference. Because water, like new pussy, can’t read.

Anyway, so I come back and I’ve been thinking a lot about this stuff. I go to lunch at a little Vietnamese restaurant on Tuesday and sit next to some physicists from UCLA. Of course I’m eavesdropping because that’s just what I do, and plus, the one in the corner with the shaggy hair and MIT t-shirt is really cute. I had an intuition I was going to try to jump into their conversation, so I warned myself, Shih, stop fucking embarrassing me. You had BETTER not. They talk about the movie Waking Life for a while and I almost get through my lunch without talking to anyone but the waiter, but then one guy goes, “Hey, I just read in a journal about this experiment that was done with water crystals and words.” And I say, “I have that article on me!” (Damn. I ALWAYS talk to strangers) So he wants to see it so I give it to him and they talk about it, but I had tuned out already, because it was like, once I gave him the article, I had ZERO motivation left to even be aware of them. Like I picked my hat off the saloon floor, shook off the sawdust, pulled it over my head as I casually took in the damage of the room…brushed off my hands, saying, “Well, my job here is done,” my faithful 17 year-old nephew and deputy, Willie, trailing behind me as I push open the swinging doors, my sharp silhouette quickly devoured by the merciless high noon sun. Hmm. Boy. I’m not quite sure where my mind just went.

So in the name of cutting this short so I can get to bed tonight at a reasonable hour, I think if you open yourself up and just “go with the flow” of the universe, it gets you to where you need to be, and in contact with the people you need to meet in order to complete the specific challenges set out for you in this lifetime. At different times, we serve as facilitators to others, helping them along their paths without knowing exactly what we’re supposed to provide them. Life is really exciting if you think of it that way. So many things have such purpose. And I think we shouldn’t concern ourselves so much over obsessing about what the nature of the connection is or what the purposes are within the connection, but rather, we should just go with our gut instincts and let ourselves be guided through life to get to where we need to be.

This is something I’ve only recently realized. I always understood it intellectually, but I’ve only recently learned how to feel it…the releasing of inner tension so that you can be guided by the forces around you. Connecting to the psychic, spiritual currents of the universe is easy…you can learn how to do it. It feels like forcing a muscle to relax…and you can get better and better at it. I liken it to that first buzz when you drink or smoke. But substances can’t hold you in that state of receptiveness. You really have to learn how to achieve it on your own.

A handful of impeccable albums that make me feel things. These albums express the parts of me that I have no words for.

1. Parachutes (Coldplay) I don’t think anyone will disagree with this one.
2. The Bends (Radiohead) Their best. Honest emotional truth without intellectual distortion.
3. White Ladder (David Gray) Beautiful heart, beautiful soul. This album makes my soul ache.
4. No Angel (Dido) Girl freakin’ power.
5. Australia (Howie Day) Introspective, contemplative.
6. It’s a Wonderful Life (Sparklehorse) Does anyone know of them? Has anyone heard this album? MAJOR, MAJOR, MAJOR props if you have! This album is AMAZING. Ethereal.

9/23 Recap

Come here
Pretty please
Can you tell me where I am
You…won’t you say something
I need to get my bearings
I’m lost
And the shadows keep on changing

Don’t cry,
There’s always a way
Here in November in this house of leaves we’ll pray
Please, I know it’s hard to believe
To see a perfect forest through so many splintered trees
You and me
And these shadows keep on changing
And I’m haunted
By the lives that I have loved
And actions I have hated
I’m haunted
By the promises I’ve made
And others I have broken
I’m haunted
By the lives that wove the web
Inside my haunted head

Hallways… always
I’ll always want you
I’ll always need you
I’ll always love you
And I will always miss you

I’m haunted (By the lives that I have loved)
I’m haunted (By the promises I’ve made)
I’m haunted
By the hallways in this tiny room
The echos there of me and you
The voices that are carrying this tune

—-haunted (poe)

Today’s Mood: http://homepage.tinet.ie/~drunken/lyrics_4_3.html

Here it comes…fall…my favorite season, but also the most difficult time of year for me….the slow, grueling spiritual death before spring regeneration. My deep-seated fear of November. november november november. why am i so terrified of november? what happened in november??????????????????

I disappear during the fall and cut off a lot of contact with people and I can feel it coming on already. But it’s not something i am big enough to control even though i wish to god i could. fall spins shadows out of control. they overtake the walls. and then the ghosts want to talk.

and while the door has been opened today, can i just say the one piece of truth that i’ve never had the guts to say in my entire life?

i hate what my family made me.

Snippets from Club Manic Theatre:

Interior.Living Room. Night
[Julia enters.]

Julia: Dude, Brian, I just picked up my first spider!
Brian: WHAT???
Julia: I think I just took a huge step in confronting my arachnophobia.
Brian: OHHHH. I thought you said something about you killed a fighter.
(to Lauren)
I’m laying on the couch watching TV this morning and this bitch comes walking up to the doorway, just like this…
[He staggers through the door with his eyes barely open]
…I was up until four in the morning…….playing video games. In her t-shirt…and black panties. And I’m like, gooooood god. Jesus fucking christ, not in the morning.” And I’m like, “Girl. Pull up your panties!”
Julia: Dude. Why are you messing with me?
Brian: I’m NOT messing with you!
Julia [walking back to her room]: Whatever. I was just telling you that I picked up a spider.
Brian: That’s great!
Julia: Fuck you.
Brian (angry): What the fuck? I’m trying to tell you that’s great and you tell me fuck you.
Julia: You’re just mad that I didn’t tell you about that guy.
Brian: Pshhh…I don’t give a fuck. So next time you freak out because there’s a spider in your room, you won’t irritate the hell out of me about it.
Julia: Well, I can’t guarantee that I can do it again. This may be a one time thing.
Brian: Well if you can do something once, you can do it again.
Julia: You think so?
Brian: Yeah, like fucking a guy on a massage table and acting like nothing happened I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU PLAYED ME!!! This whole time!! You TOTALLY played that off like, that guy was gross, he was all weird and had weird shit in his house, eeeeew…and you totally FUCKED HIM.
Julia: You had no idea?
Brian: I had NO idea! This WHOLE time. You totally played it off like you were weirded out by him. You told me, I thought he was a freak, I got weirded out, I came home early and I BELIEVED you!
Lauren: But meanwhile. You fucked him.
Julia: Isn’t it weird, all the secrets people have? I have so many secrets that no one in the world who knows me has any idea about.
Lauren: I don’t think I have any secrets. I pretty much tell people everything.
Julia: Come on. You’re Scorpio Moon. You MUST.
Lauren: Well…..yeah. I guess I do have a few secrets.
Julia: Like what?
Brian: Her huge dong.
Lauren: I just shave and tuck away. Shave…and tuck away.
Julia: Why shave?
Lauren: Well…the hair gets caught in my zipper. And it’s really uncomfortable.

10 minutes later

Lauren: Okay, I’m gonna go now.
Brian (in an English Accent): Roight. Roight roight roight roight roight.
Lauren (in an aristocratic accent): Ciao! Ciao for now!
Brian: Roight, roight roight roight.
Lauren: Ciao! Ciao for now!
Brian: Roight roight roight.
Lauren: Ciao!

[Brian closes the door]

(dude. Our place? Weird shit goes down).

9/22 Recap

Had a great meeting this morning. Negotiated some great avenues to help our company achieve aggressive financial growth. Which is pointless because my boss is CHEAP and everything I do is pretty much wasted effort. I hate my job. What is the point of me working so hard to build relationships and finding opportunities for my company to make a shitload of money to achieve the aggressive growth my boss demands (20-25% a month) if they WON’T GIVE ME A REASONABLE BUDGET. I’m going to leave soon. I have to. There is no point of me even trying if they’re gonna be cheap muthafuckers and expect huge growth on no risk. I even offered to donate my salary to cover the fee to sponser a major hospitality conference where I found a hooked up liason who will personally give us access to CEOs and COOs of the major hotel chains. And they laughed and said, “No, don’t do that. It’s not right.” What’s not freakin’ right is how they waste me. What is the point of me strategizing realistic ways to put our company in the path of lucrative deals for moderate risk when they won’t do anything? FUCK THEM. I’m not going in anymore. I’m just not showing up anymore. Gonna go to Bennigans and hang out with Jennifer Aniston. And discuss her lack of “flare.”

Met up after work with this guy Jon whom I met at the food court last week. I told Brian I was meeting up with “the guy I met at the food court last week” and he asked, “Not that guy who fucks other guys?” No, not the same guy. No, I don’t know if this one fucks other guys. But not the same guy. Would it be possible for me to ever live down that guy? Christ. We met up at Q’s and played pool with his friend Eric, whom I met last week, too (they were having lunch next to me). Jon’s a nice guy…very emotionally straightforward. Which I know would be good for me because I’m too complicated to be trying to date complicated people. But he’s also 4 years younger than me, and considering I have yet to date someone even MY age, this makes me feel like I’m robbing some sort of cradle. Plus, dating young guys…you’re asking for trouble. They’ve got wild oats to sow. So I only stayed for 45 minutes because I had to run home for a massage appointment, but in that time, he beat me at pool twice and we chatted about his grandmother who’s depressed. Like I said, nice guy, very easy connection. But not one that blows me away. Just a distraction. If even that. Plus, he lives in Irvine. Which, unless he had been a soulmate of the passionate love connection ilk, makes him geographically undesirable.

I was getting a massage because I’ve got this problem in my right glute that needs to go away. So my chiro suggested trying massage therapy. So this woman was massaging my ass and I was asking her if she thought the problem was due to nerves or due to muscular tension. So I asked her, “Is it muscular?” And we both simultaneously realized that it sounded like I was asking her about the firmness of my butt as she rubbed it. Good God. Make it stop…

Today’s mood: http://www.greenplastic.com/lyrics/rh_songs/exitmusic.php

My Self-Exploration Continues:Why I’m an AWESOME Girlfriend (if I could find someone willing to date my crazy ass…)

Venus in the sign Cancer indicates people who are deeply sensitive in their romantic feelings. Their extreme vulnerability means their feelings can be easily hurt, but they hide this vulnerability behind a dignified exterior. Of all the Water signs, someone with Venus in Cancer is likely to be particularly nurturing and caring in relationships. These people are attentive to their partners’ needs and particularly to their emotional well being. They are able to tune in sympathetically to their partners’ moods and offer unobtrusive emotional support.

Your whole nature hides in a protective shell till you have taken the emotional steps that make you secure; then it unfolds graciously, like a flower in the warm sun, and beautifies your whole world. The fear of being hurt by love is very strong. You like sentimental gestures only if you think they spring from sincerity. The forced kiss, the dutiful embrace, mean nothing to you. Your emotional polarity is not primarily physical; and though you can respond to ardor, you can take it or leave it. Someone with Venus in Cancer will easily reach out and touch those she cares for as a gesture of love and affection. Within a relationship, these people will want both to give and to receive a lot of gentle and loving physical contact. They want to be held, stroked and cuddled. (they’re often better than sex for me….)

This person may ‘mother’ his or her loved ones in all kinds of ways. These people may literally feed their partners, finding great pleasure in cooking them their favorite meals.

In relationships, you are most concerned with security and permanence. Quality, not quantity, is important to you in love relationships. The emotional bonds you form with a partner are strong and enduring, and the commitments you make in love are forever. Once you are involved in a relationship, infidelity is simply unthinkable. You are extremely possessive and jealous, and couldn’t bear to have your mate be unfaithful to you. Even if your relationship is unhappy, you will stay in it for the emotional security it provides; and nothing could be more devastating to you than to have your partner leave you.

You invest totally in your lover, and expect the same sort of unquestioning devotion in return. You want to share everything with your partner. If your lover has several planets in Taurus, Cancer or Scorpio, this symbiotic existence may work out fine; but someone whose chart is dominated by Arien, Geminian, Sagittarian or Aquarian energies will feel smothered by such closeness. Nevertheless, when you like someone, you like that person a lot, and you show it. You are a very faithful friend, and you will never do anything to hurt someone you like unless that person hurts you first – in which case you are very likely to strike back. (Never with the small things but definitely if I were betrayed, manipulated or taken advantage of. Then seriously…hell hath no fury…)

Within the context of your relationships, you are highly emotional, though if your Sun is in Gemini you won’t show this emotional side of yourself to anyone other than your lover. In order for you to be content in a partnership, you must be able to form a strong feeling connection with your mate. You want to be so entwined that you can intuit each other’s needs and desires, and don’t even have to speak.

Killing with kindness is sometimes present. Ties of friendship will be long-lasting. Love and affection will be focused on the home, and a great deal of money will be spent carefully to make it comfortable – although often cluttered and untidy. (haha…I haven’t seen the surface of my desk in years)

Your family is the most important part of your life and your reason for living; thus, you may spoil your children and sacrifice everything else for them. You love children – your own and everyone else’s – and may devote much time and energy to caring for them.

If the Sun sign is Gemini, this Venus placement heightens the level of Geminian emotion; and, provided the subject doesn’t overrationalize the feelings, these will be marvelously and romantically expressed, showing kindness and a cherishing quality. The sex life must be lively and stimulating. The subject is considerate and a good communicator with both friends and loved ones.

What they leave out is that I need the freedom to flirt with EVERYONE and talk to EVERYONE and be trusted, but I expect my partner to loyally wait at home for me and be so secure in himself, that he’s okay with that. Because I won’t cheat and you’ve got a death wish if you cheat on me. Doesn’t seem fair? Yeah, that’s why I stay single. I take relationships really seriously and don’t like wasting my time on stupid people, but I can’t bring myself to demand that kind of relationship, even though realistically, it’s probably the only kind that I’d be able to stay in long-term. And also, I hate that in every relationship, guys start to expect me to mother them and they become such babies (some more than others). I prefer a balanced relationship where we take care of each other and look out for each other.

I think today we’ve hit the pinnacle of my life at this office, as Avi just showed me a videoclip of a naked Japanese woman with her ankles around her ears shooting about 20 live sardines out of her ass.

More Explanations for My Freakitude!

Been reading some updated psychological astrology research articles, which I haven’t done in a while. This stuff is INSANE!

My moon in 2nd House:

Garrulousness with this position is an indication of serious sexual frustration. (raise your hand if you’ve noticed how I can’t shut up).

Sexual fulfillment is extremely important to this position. They are generally powerfully attracted to potential sexual partners. (hee!…you don’t say…) If, for some reason, this attraction does not bring them a fulfilling relationship, it will cause a variety of mental and emotional problems. (Naw…) Both sexes seem to radiate sexual energy. (Yup.) They are very aware of sexuality in others from an early age. (Hey, L…remember the “Pants Down Game?” Uh…I don’t either) The Moon’s sign and the aspects to it from other planets will show whether this is a positive and healthy development, or if it leads to repression and a fear or hatred of sex on the one hand, or to a cynical exploitation of it on the other. (Repression or fear of sex? That’s not me…)

Some women have no qualms about taking anyone who pleases them to bed, maintaining all the while a virginal façade and a total and lifelong silence on the subject, even to best friends. (Holy Crap!!!!!!!!!!).

Love is very necessary to these people, although it may or may not be directly connected with sexuality. If others show it, they may make fools of themselves for love. Powerful attractions that are hard to deny and may last for years. Artists with this Moon position will seek a ‘muse’ or love object for their talent to revolve around. (WHOA. I’m a secretive love fool. I’ll never tell a muse that I’m in love because I don’t want them to fall from the heaven I’ve placed them in and become mortal. Without love, yearning and denial, there is no art)

Venus in 12th House:

They may love someone to whom they can never declare their love – someone unavailable for one reason or another, whom they can only ever love in secret. This could be someone they know, who is in their life in some way but has no idea of how they feel…(dude…story of my life. If I truly love you, I’m not gonna tell you. I don’t know why, but I just won’t)

They may choose to remain uninvolved. This might be a conscious choice to be celibate. (hee!)They may long for a ‘pure’ spiritual or mystical love experience. (definitely) Or they may prefer to be alone with a fantasy rather than to be in any real relationship. While this can be a lonely option, their fantasies around love can remain ideal; untinged by reality, they can create the perfect love in their mind. (couldn’t have said it better)

They are often extremely sympathetic and compassionate people, and can be drawn into loving out of pity. (You don’t say…) Venus in the 12th also denotes the love of what other people reject; the love of the downtrodden, the underdog, the criminal who really has a heart of gold, the person nobody else understands, etc.. (Or someone really, really ugly inside and out? You wouldn’t happen to know any of my ex-boyfriends who fits this description, would you? Because if you did, you should probably tell him to stop being a stalker and GET OFF MY SITE)

Sun in the 11th:

Generally attractive, they can be intensely charismatic, in some cases projecting an almost godlike quality of higher knowledge, inner strength, or supernatural wisdom. (my ego doesn’t need this)

Expressions of care must be powerful and total, to penetrate your own power center. Curiously, to feel loved, you must love. You cannot conceive of being loved by anyone for whom you don’t feel love. Equally paradoxical is the fact that you are not receptive to courtship unless you’ve already chosen the courtier as your beloved. (HA! I have to be interested in you, before you show me that you’re interested, and then you have to be the one to initiate and be very, very clear that you are interested. Otherwise, I assume everything short of a clear, absolute declaration to be gestures of friendship) Yes, you are susceptible to flattery (sometimes too much…), but unless you actively love the individual already, compliments are interpreted as simple friendship.

Uranus in the 3rd House:

Uranus in the third house can indicate that you have unusual sisters and brothers. You may have one or more siblings who cause you a great deal of unrest or worry, someone very bright and unorthodox, or very troubled, or both. (!!!!) A natural stress can occur in electrical passageways and connections within the brain that can manifest as insomnia, inability to integrate sensory stimuli, speech difficulties, ‘switching’ between the left and right brains that leads to disjointed, random thought processes. (Whoa. I’m telling you, I need subtitles when I watch DVDs not because I can’t hear, but because it’s easier to process sounds into words if I can visually follow along)

How to Look Up Your Own:

Go to www.astro.com . Register and fill in all of your birth info. This only works if you know your EXACT time of birth! The site will compute your chart and give you which house certain planets are in. Open another browser and go to:

http://groups.msn.com/interpretations4/general.msnw?action=get_threads

On the left panel, will be lists of planets in houses and their interpretations. Have fun!