How to Properly Release Doves at Your Wedding

January 20th, 2005 | Comments Off on

Dear God,

I would like to date an Aries next.

Thank you,

Julia

January 20th, 2005 | Comments Off on

Dreams of a Non-Crack Smoker

I have strange dreams. Sometimes they’re like movies, complete with three-act structure and integrated themes. Sometimes they’re so real, they bore me to tears, like when I had a dream that I was at work putting together an Excel file, and that was the entire dream. Often, they feature Mexican migrant workers or Andy Garcia (unrelated to each other).

(ps–did you know Mickey Rourke was Andy’s little league coach when Andy was a kid in Miami? For reals, dude. Some people will leave their kids with ANYONE)

Last night I dreamed:

I wanted to make my hair super silky like in those Pantene commercials where their hair just spills down, like a river. I went to Walgreen’s and bought some conditioning oil but when I got home, I was reading the directions and it said, “Not to be used if your hair is colored.”

And I got so CRAZY offended because my hair is black and I’m like, What–just cuz my hair is BLACK, it ain’t good enough for your product?!?

But then I realized that the packaging was referring to highlights.

If not smoking crack gives me dreams like that, then maybe it’s time that I started.

January 20th, 2005 | Comments Off on