brian and i had a bonding day that we haven’t had anything like since we first moved in together.
i had woken up in the middle of the night, still caught amidst a dream. i sat up in bed and i could see my alarm clock read 2:16. but i could see a second alarm clock sitting next to it reading 3:00. i kept staring at the two clocks knowing one of them wasn’t real. I laid down again but was woken up a few minutes later. the clock on the left said 2:16 and the clock on the right said 3:00. i kept staring at it but i couldn’t make the clocks change time, yet i was awake. i could feel the sheets, i could feel the air, i could feel clothes, my legs, everything. it was a blip in reality. i went back to sleep. woke up, the sun was out. it felt like 10-11. i looked at the clock. it said 2:16. 2:16 again? weird. i stared at it for a long time. confused. i got up and brian was home. the power went out at work so no one can work. we have a snow day, he said. i think the power went out here, i said. 2 hours and 16 minutes ago. what time is it? he looked at his cellphone. 9:20. which would put the outage at 7:04. that time has no significance to me, except it equals 11 which is my birthday minus the year added up. but 2:16 = 9. my soul number.
what are you doing, i asked him. we phonetree-d everyone and we’re meeting at casa del mar at 10:45. we should go hiking, i said. he thought about it. well we could go after my meeting. i need to pick up my car, i said. but i can ride down to your meeting with you, hang out and you can drop me off to get my car.
we hit santa monica and he went into the hotel while i walked until i found a little cafe. hung out on the patio, had a proscuitto and egg panini with a honey cappuccino. watched desperate housewives on my portable dvd player. every waiter came by to ask if it was a laptop. then read from reservation road. i need to write.
the place started filling up for lunch and i didn’t want to take up one of the tables so i headed back to casa del mar. it has an amazing lounge so i loafed on a plush couch and caught up with rie. she’s lonely right now, just like me. but we each have found ourselves in different echoes of loneliness. different worlds. we offer each other support and sincere wishes.
brian’s meeting end and we drop by the adidas store. i don’t really want to buy anything because i have to be careful with money, but since brian gets a major discount, i decided to get a pair of socks because they looked high tech. i’m secretly very excited about them.
we changed and headed out to runyon. fought traffic for 45 minutes, arriving only to realize we both have to pee. we tough it out. my body may look athletic, but i promise you, it’s not functional. i was ready to turn around halfway up the street leading into the trail. it was nice. talking with brian, joking around. in some ways, we both really get each other even though sometimes we compete. we notice hot guys at the same time and can psychically comment about them as we walk by. and we get each others jokes. saw michael rappaport. neither of us acknowledged it until we were sure he was at least half a mile away. fat michael rappaport, brian says. totally. with a big bald spot, i say. i think that guy he was with was his trainer, brian says. i would be pissed off at mike if i were his trainer. if you tell people you train michael rappaport and he shows up looking like that, you’re obviously a bad trainer, i say. we snicker. walk on.
i tell brian that one time i had to pee really badly but there wasn’t a bathroom around, so i’d joked to my mom that i was going to pee on her head. i’d never seen her so offended and mad. i mean, i joke that she’s my lesbian mom all the time and she takes that in stride, but she went nuts over this. so i’ve learned never to tell my mom that i’m gonna pee on her head.
we pass many other actors who we almost recognize. we saw a hot shirtless guy jog up just as a hot sports-bra’d woman with a slick 4 pack jogged down. simultaneously suffered sensory overload.
the sky was beautiful. the view was beautiful with just a sliver of fog creeping through the edges. i told brian about the guy at the houston’s counter i was eating at on monday who had kept smiling at me, even though he was there with a woman. when his table was ready, he got up and waited for me to make eye contact so he could wave and say bye. i knew he really wanted to because i was purposely not making eye contact. at first i thought the woman was his girlfriend but he seemed to want to make it very clear that it wasn’t like that. i wasn’t sure if that was an opening. i also mentioned to the bartender that i was going to see a movie and he said he wished he could go with me. he said tonight he had to work late, but normally he gets out early enough to see a movie. he left to pour drinks then came back and said again that he wished he could go with me. then he said, “maybe next time.” i just smiled, felt suddenly shy, and occupied myself with some task until he walked away. i’m not a deal closer, and brian knows it. but why am i expected to be? it’s the guys that are passive around me. like that guy who sat in my car talking from 2 until 8am.
i need to secretly admit that the whole job thing still hurts.
“i don’t have a problem with women. the problem is you like to compete with men.”
i will never forget this line. every time i’m faced with an obstacle, i’ll hear these words and i’ll break through that obstacle, if only by sheer force of will. because i’ll never let an idiot who doesn’t understand what i am try to tell me who i am.
i don’t compete with men, iuval.
i lead them.