Echo

I was reading about my Pluto in the 3rd House:

Pluto was found in the third house at the time of your birth. This planet appears to rule over everything that occurs at extremes. Therefore we should expect a similar inclination of your mind in terms of extreme good or extreme evil. Among your mental faculties there will exist an inspiration of unknown origin which will aid you in times of severe crisis, whether of a financial or psychological nature. The basic trait granted by Pluto here is perpetual and active planning with a tenor of Machiavellian speculation. Your mind oscillates between contrary concepts and it seeks to find truth by dialectic analysis of opposites. In addition to the mental characteristics described above, also possess power of penetration, ingenuity, and assertive aggression – you can well force your views on others. You will be attracted to intellectual pursuits completely apart from science such as politics and/or scenic art.

I wanted to look up Machiavellian to understand the nuances of how it was being used here. Learned about High Machs. Oddly, randomly thought about a guy I’d known almost 10 years ago earlier today, and remembered how creepy and charmingly manipulative he was. His last name was Macht.

That article led me to this: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Social_dominance_orientation

Which then made me realize, all this talk about High Machs and social dominance orientation, sounded eerily like all the teachings of a Scorpio that I was experiencing last year. I would be interested to see how many of these people who tested as High Machs and with high-SDO were Scorpios or had Pluto prominent in their charts.

got my kcrw package today. now listening to morcheeba – deep dive.

(i could swear i already have this album). figured if i don’t know, i must not have been impressed and maybe in this setting, i’ll like it.

it’s nice in the background tonight.

the problem with march is it can make your mind blur as you start climbing into the world of daydream. but it’s quite a beautiful thing if you don’t overthink it.

lots and lots of power yesterday. sunday as well. wow. good clean energy. wanted to hug everyone to see them smile.

low level anxiety starting up. very, very low frequency but a whine nevertheless. mars energy about to cut in on the dance.

went to gym. made a one handed 3 pointer while playing 21 with a black dude (he was cute but you know where i am now). he was impressed. i made it rain all day and it was effortless, the cleanest snap of the net like the ball was a mirage passing through almost every time. it was the same thing in the 3-on-3 games. effortless. and i pretended i didn’t notice because i knew if i did, it would stop. but i was watching myself and thinking, this isn’t me. it was the same feeling this sunday, the same feeling that one night a couple of weeks ago when the guys followed me out, telling me my shooting was like nothing they’d ever seen. i’m not at all saying this to brag because lord knows, i’m not that good generally. but, the crazy thing is, i AM that good when i’m alone. it’s been one of the more frustrating things in my life, how i can do certain things really well when i’m alone, and then get anxious about people’s attention so it’s not even worth telling people i’m good at something because i’ll never be able to prove it. but lately, i’m staying detached enough to be able to do things despite there being people watching or listening. i still lose focus though, but it’s getting better.

spent some time getting to know mike. his focus comes from a deeper place but if you distract him mentally and he has to “go upstairs” to respond, he’ll lose focus. i’m willing to talk to him but can’t figure out where his ears are, figuratively. so i kind of give him a pat on the back kind of energy, and hope sometime in the future we’ll find a common language with which we can communicate. i wonder why he feels bad about himself. when i touch it, it makes me feel sad, too. and a little dark.

i’m hearing a lot more colors and textures than i used to when i’m engaged with a person. it’s like i reached a higher level of my challenge and it opened up a handful of extra colors that i’ve never experienced before, so i’ve been out there have a blast painting with them. it’s creating new discoveries everywhere.

finished booking my ticket today. it was more complicated than i realized it would be but it’s done. i said i would be in germany this week, and i will be. (TERRRRRRRIFIED. good thing i tend to dismiss my emotions quickly).

you are a liar.

i know.

the kids called from work today. i was on my way home from the gym and picked up the call to hear avi and adeleine. they said no one was in the office (the narc’s in israel) so they’re just chilling. it was good to hear from them. like hearing from your friends at camp while you’re home spending the summer with a tutor. which is strange because technically i’m the one having fun, even though i’m in a period where i’m doing a lot of hard work in other ways. adeleine told me that avi was coming in on time and wearing button down shirts every day, and i was really happy. i don’t tend to get my hopes up but when i find out that one of my messages actually manages to go from something abstract to something real, it’s amazing. i had high hopes for avi and one of the last things i kept saying before i left, was for him to give people no reason whatsoever to belittle his capabilities and his contribution. and that i couldn’t wait for the day in the future, when i pick up my phone and it’s him calling to tell me he’s in sf for the day on business, and he’s this successful guy now who’s gotten to the place he’s always wanted for himself. they said they missed me but my energy is still in the office. i told them to take care of each other, especially the boys with adeleine. i promised adeleine i would see her at the gym tomorrow.

you know i’m creating another person in here, right? that’s the secret. just know this.

11 11 > 22.

22 is reality.

>22 is everything beyond our wildest dreams.

Virgos are assholes. What? Yeah, you heard me. Virgos are assholes. And Pisces, too. Don’t fucking tell me I don’t even know you. You like chasing things you can’t have and saving people who are oh so tragic and oh so helpless without you. Why’re you sitting there writing poetry when there’s a war going on, man? You’re romantic cuz you’re a pussy. Cancers…get over your mom. Everybody, together now, “Get over your mom.” You don’t owe that hootch anything.

Leos, I wish your dicks were as big as your egos.

Scorpios, it’s like Sleeping with the Enemy.

Sags–what do you rhyme with?

Caps– zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Libras, you passive muthafuckers, Taurus, I’m talking to you too. Aries, you know how to bang your head against things until you get results. Aquarius, so do you. Sometimes. No wait, not really.

But Geminis, my fellow Geminis…wtf?

i wanted to make a t-shirt that says lesbians love me.

it’s funny cuz it’s true.

but then i was afraid people would get the wrong idea.

how does a society charge up swear words? why is “fuck” a swear word and not “condom.” wait, i think it is sometimes. but why some words over others?

my mom told me that “fore” in cantonese is (phonetically) “fugyiu.” so it sounds like they’re saying fuck you all day at the golf course. and “that” in chinese sounds like “nigga” in english. my friends counted once and i said “nigga” 19 times in a 7 minute phone conversation with my mom while riding bart. first of all, yes, i was that asshole talking in chinese on a cellphone on bart. and yes, i was scared of all the black people in the car for the rest of the ride. but that’s not the point. why do i sound like a sista when i talk to my mom, and how did they charge up that word when heard by english speakers?

it’s gotta be energy. the more energy, emotions, events, memories, etc. are stored in a symbol, be it an object or a word, the more it has weight beyond intellectual communication.

the well

i thought about the married men i’d known over the years who were always toeing the line, their wedding bands mysteriously absent, sometimes leaning in too closely to whisper in my ear at late night industry parties featuring primal rhythms and open bars, subtly enhaling my scent so dangerously close to where a woman’s jaw, neck and ear meet to form the perfect storm.

some were more accustomed to the dark than others…you could tell by the shine of their eyes they were used to getting their way. and as with honey, no matter what corner, they could always find me.

that dark, mysterious, complicatedly uncomplicated place where a man goes to stand at the edge of a moonlit well as his wife and children sleep soundly at home, that place where the point of no return is a lot closer than he arrogantly believes… that place. that edge of oblivion. that place is where i live. and i sit quietly, waiting.

i see them on moonlit nights, looking for a game to test their might but not really believing what they wager can truly be lost. they come as shadows, in pompous suits and damp, naked fingers, asking for directions when they know exactly where they are.

i look them in the eye
and a grin begins to crawl
creeping through the room like a dangerous seduction

as she leans in

her cool fingers draped dangerously on his arm

(the last stop) whispering,

are you sure this is where you want to be?

as something inside flickers its tongue over the razor’s edge glinting shadows within a darkness.

Question for the Day:

Do you ever end the day and have this gut feeling that you lied about something, but you can’t figure out what it was?

I think creativity is like fishing things out of the ocean. Some people have submarines and can decide what they bring up and bring it up in its entirity. Me, I’m out in a little rowboat with my fishing net, picking up random things like what I wrote below.