I’ve been hosting various people at our place so it’s gotten in the way of creative efforts, but it’s been a great time. My mom had a conference at Sony so we drove down from the bay area together on Wednesday. It was a relaxing drive where we chatted the whole way and watched the sun set over the hills. My mom wanted to stop at Harris Ranch for steaks. She didn’t remember the name of the place, just asked for “that famous steak place where everything smells like cow poo.” I knew that meant Harris Ranch. It was the first time I ate there as well and true to rumor, the whole place smells like pungent cow export, which kind of made me feel a little weird. The steaks were very good, but since I’ve been eating really healthy, I wasn’t able to eat very much of mine.

The next day, my mom had a meeting so I dropped her off and took Michael to get my car washed and to get him a haircut. Usually I tell the stylist how to cut it, but I figured I would let him do it himself. It just felt right.

When he was done, she’d cut it really short, almost like a crew cut. I freaked out inside because I knew my mom would freak out and ask me why I didn’t supervise. I asked Michael if he liked it and he said, “Yes,” so I didn’t want to be a jerk about it. But I was laughing because I knew how mad my mom was going to be (as predicted, as soon as she saw him she turned to me and asked, “How could you let him do that to his hair?” I told her, “It grows on you. It’s the same cut Brad Pitt had in ‘Ocean’s 11.'”)

My mom had a room at the Beverly Hilton, paid for by Sony so Michael wanted to stay with her. It was going to work out because Rie and Eric were going to stay with me that night, on their way to Coachella. Beverly Hilton is about 2 miles from my house, along the same street Michael used to walk from my house to my work so while I was dropping him off, I joked that if he got bored, he could just walk back to my place since it was off of the same street. He said, “Because it’s not that far, right?” I said, “Just a few miles. It’s not that far.” But then I remembered he takes everything I say seriously so I added, “I’m just kidding. If you want to come home, call me and I’ll come pick you up.”

So that night, I was waiting for Rie and Eric and rolled up a blend I wanted to try out. It’d been a couple of hours when I get a call from my brother. He asks me if I can do him a favor and I think, oh crap. I’m so not in the right state. He asks me if I can bring them some toothpaste. I ask him if he can just get it from the hotel. He tells me that the store is closed and they really need it. Since I rarely say no to my family, I figure, maybe this is a challenge from the universe, so I’d better suck it up and do it. Besides, it’s 1 street, 2 miles. I just have to stay close to the speed limit and be alert.

So I’m driving and everything is fine though I’m pretty sure I’m driving with my eyes bugged out. I’m okay, since it’d been a few hours since I’d smoked. I hit a stop sign and I’m trying to figure out which way would be the best way to go, when I turn and notice, there’s a cop behind me. I’m freaking out, racking my brain to remember if I’d made a full stop but I can’t remember. So I’m driving and this cop is behind me and I’m starting to freak out but I’m trying really hard to focus.

The cop stays behind me, ALL THE WAY into the driveway of the Hilton and I’m thinking, dude, he wouldn’t pull me over in front of a posh hotel. That would be bad for business. All of a sudden, I notice, the places is fucking swarming with cops. Turned out, the Hilton was hosting a Sheriff’s Convention that night but I took it as a big freakin’ joke on me by the universe. Delivering toothpaste down the street. I should have known it was a setup.

So I’m all paranoid and freaked out, and sure that anyone who sees me will know I’m in an altered state. The valet comes up and gives me a ticket but I calmly tell her that I’m just dropping off toothpaste for one of their guests. So she reaches out her hand and I hand her the toothpaste and we both kind of stare at it confused, but then she says, “No, uh…I just need the ticket back.” “Oh,” I say. “I’m sorry, it’s been a long day.” Finally my brother comes down and I damn near throw the tube at him and take off, not saying hi or giving him a hug…just shoving the toothpaste at him and saying bye over my shoulder as I run back into my car.

I drove so slowly home, probably looking at my rearview mirror as much as the road in front of me.

The next day, I wanted to take Rie and Eric to brunch. I had told Michael to call me when he got up, but since my phone hadn’t rung, I figured he was still asleep. I didn’t realize I had left my cell in my car. As we were getting into the car, I heard my phone ring. It was my mom. My super hysterical mom.

“Did you know your brother’s walking to your house right now?”

“WHAT?!?”

“I just called him to see what he’s doing and he said he’s walking to your house.”

“WHAT?!?”

“WHY IS HE WALKING TO YOUR HOUSE???”

“I joked with him that he could yesterday.”

“YOU BETTER GO GET HIM!”

I think it’s funny but I’m also panicking. I call him on his cell.

“Uh, Michael….where are you?”

“I’m walking to your house.”

“Why didn’t you call me?”

“I did. I left three messages.”

Oh crap, I’m such a bad sister.

“I’m coming to pick you up now, okay?”

“Okay.”

Then something disturbing occurs to me.

“Are you walking in the right direction?”

“Don’t know.”

“Okay, are there any restaurants or places around you you can tell me the name of?”

“No.”

“Do you see any street signs?”

“Curson.”

Curson? I think that’s in Beverly Hills?

“Okay Michael, stop walking, I’m going to pick you up.”

I put in Curson in my GPS and it says it’s 4 miles away. I check my cellphone and realize his last call to me was an hour and forty minutes earlier. I start to panic. I call him back.

“Michael, what’s the cross street?”

It takes him some time, then finally…

“Wilshire.”

Christ, he’s walking into the heart of the city, in completely the wrong direction.

“Do you see any people you can ask for direction?”

“I see a Ralph’s. And an Ihop.”

“Okay, go into the Ihop and stay put, okay? I’m on my way.”

At this point I’m pretty sure that Rie and Eric think I’m an awful sister and a retard since it’s turned into a rescue mission because I’d joked with my brother to walk home the day before. I GSP Ihop and the next one indeed is 4 miles away. I call them just to check the cross street, that it’s close to Curson. I call the guy and ask, then ask him if there’s a large Asian man who looks slightly lost. He keeps asking me, “What?” but I hear Michael in the background coughing so I tell him, “Nevermind” and hang up. It felt good that at least I knew where my brother was.

I hit every red light and was so mad. I was trying to get to my baby brother! Finally, we found the Ihop and Eric jumped out to get Michael. He had his suitcase and a shopping bag with his stuffed dolphins and I felt miserable that he’d walked halfway across the city like that. If my mom hadn’t called me and we’d given him another hour, he would have hit Koreatown from Century City. That’s so fucked up.

I took them to Toast on 3rd St. where everyone working and eating there is an actor or industry type of some sort, but the food is good. I introduced Eric and Rie to red velvet cake, which I’d been craving. They left for Coachella shortly afterwards.

Later that night, we picked up our mom and went to Orris on Sawtelle in West LA, a Japanese tapas place I’ve been reading a lot about on Chowhound. We had a one hour wait so we browsed the stores on the stree
t. I tried on a top and came out of the dressing room and asked my brother how it looked. He’s known for giving very straightforward answers. “You’re asking me because you would want me to tell you if you looked fat, right?” he asked. I started laughing.

“Definitely,” I told him, thinking crap. I must look fat. “You don’t look fat at all. You look great,” he said.

Poor kid. I think my mom gives him such a hard time about “being fat” that so much of his head revolves around that. I’ve been trying to get her to change her outlook, to not make it about all things revolving around fat (ie “Don’t eat that because it’s fattening,” “You need to lose weight”), but about healthier living (ie “Fried foods aren’t as healthy” “Exercise is good for our health because it’ll make us feel better”). I don’t want my brother to feel bad because he’s overweight, much of it he can’t help because of what his medication does to his metabolism. I want him to feel encouraged to make positive choices and confident in being able to take good care of himself.

I offered to take our bags back to the car and when I walked by this karaoke bar, the security guy watched me walk by and said, “You’re awfully happy.” I laugh and tell him, “I’m just a happy person.” Lately, I definitely have been. Though I suspect most people would also be happy if they didn’t have a job. I also credit B vitamins for turning me from a moody tweaker always on the verge of an anxiety attack, to a people-loving hippie.

Orris was good though not mindblowing. The tuna tartare on endive dish was probably the best, while the sauteed scallops were good. The fried stuffed squash blossoms were interesting if not a little greasy, while the fried chicken with curry dipping sauce was…fried chicken with curry-infused dipping sauce. Nothing spectacular. We got some fried anchovies that I suspect none of us liked but we felt obligated to semi-finish, and the quail was savory but again, not mindblowing. I equate it to what a Bruckheimer movie secretly is to me. I enjoy it while I’m there, but two weeks later, I can’t tell you anything about it. I also get a little bored with the fried tempura style of several of the dishes.

Speaking of fried foods, I do have to give a shout out to Kyochon for Korean-style fried chicken. They’re known for frying the chicken first in oil, then in butter, which makes their food the queen sluts of all sluts. I usually order their wings which are overpriced but unbelievable. They offer original and spicy, and while I love all things spicy, their spicy version is a bit like the sauce for sweet & sour pork which I hate, so I highly recommend the original which is crispy and garlicky with just the right hint of sweetness. Extremely addictive and they will put you in a fetal position with guilt if you’re on a diet.

Sunday night was a crowded house with my family at my place and Eric and Rie returning from Coachella, dirty and full of stories about camping in the dessert and Prince. Eric almost caught a sweat towel that Prince threw but was knocked down by someone lunging. I told him he needed to learn how to box out. You bend your knees and stick out your ass, I told him. If you’d done that, Rie would be having her way with that towel right now.

We stayed up talking on my front balcony, the one that faces the Mormon Temple. We realized that the statue at the top points in the direction of the Scientology complex, and maybe this is a big war between religions. Considering the area around the Mormon Temple is well-kept, safe and upscale while the Scientology complex is in the middle of a crack jungle, I would say the Mormon’s are winning. I’m glad I’m behind their lines. I do have to tell you that the thing looks like a radio tower though. The way they looked in 1950’s sci-fi depictions. I’m pretty sure they’re trying or are actually getting communication from god or whatever greater being is out there. I spend many nights sitting out there, staring at that thing, wondering what actually goes on in that building.

Rie and Eric took off the next day after lunch and homemade ice cream treats at Milk. I am still in pursuit of a 4-pack, but ever since a Chinese guy told me that it’s very hard for Chinese people to get stomach definition, I’ve been struggling with focus. Had another great day with my family including a nice “miss you guys” email from my dad, and my mom left the next day.

There’s talk again about me moving to San Francisco. My dad found a condo in the city he wants me to look at, which I’ll do next week before I head to London. I’m still not willing to give up my home in LA though. That night, sitting on the balcony with Eric and Rie, looking out at the temple and laughing and feeling good, I realized that this place is my castle. However I feel about religion, at night, that temple is lit up like a piece of art, a symbol of hope and inspiration, and in my gut, I know that living so close to it in such a safe, peaceful environment is a huge factor in my ability to have overcome the demons of my past and become the person I am today. I’m willing to share it’s beauty with others I trust, but I’m not willing to give it up. I’m hoping I can find a way to have the situation I would like, to keep this as my home base, my energy source, while still being able to live part-time in other places so that I can expand my horizons and social circle while gaining life experience. This is what I hope for.

so i asked her, “ma’am, are you lost?”

do you want to see this

Saw 88 Minutes today.

Awful, awful movie.

And Al Pacino officially looks like a crazy man. Who can’t seem to stop touching girls in the movie.

I kept giggling when they would show a one shot of him standing there, looking far off with his hair wild, like some schizophrenic homeless guy who’s suddenly realized he’s naked in front of the Queen at the ball. Near the end of the movie, this guy in front of me kept turning around to laugh with me every time they showed him with that crazy look.

The movie didn’t even make sense. I hate it when movies leave out the details that allow them to flow or when things are ridiculous and contrived.

My point. If you spend money on this movie, don’t say I wasn’t a good citizen by trying to warn you.

Things I Treasure:

Health
Freedom
Autonomy
Interconnection
Warmth
Kindness
Coolness
Release

Relief after Great Struggle and Challenge
Acknowledgment of Progress

Innocence
Magic
Words
The Magic of Words
Understanding Beyond Words

The Swirling Depths of a Person’s Soul through their Eyes
Those Who Have Depth

Unconditional Positive Regard
Mind Melding
Fingers Intertwined and Pulsing to the Rhythm of Heartbeats
Longing and Reward

Recognizing a Stranger
When the Stranger is a Friend
Stealth
Anonymity

Observing without Affecting

mostly,

The Strong Belief that This Is Just the Beginning

there are special people in this world who serve very specific roles.

you can find them in the most unusual places but always places that experience high traffic of “travelers.”

they have the ability to inject color into otherwise gray lives, suddenly awakening the sleepwalkers or providing moral support for weary travelers. sometimes they put people on life-changing paths. sometimes they are just sign posts.

sometimes, these people salvage lives.

we should be thankful for them and keep an eye out for them in these strange but completely necessary places. be careful not to be fooled by the wolves who pretend to be them. while these special people may not consciously be aware themselves, they represent something bigger, a place where you, i and every conscious being on the planet connect. and sometimes, stopping to ask for directions becomes the key that unlocks something completely new.

Back off of Josh Howard. Seriously, what’s the big deal. It can actually benefit some people, while there’s a more dangerous substance that’s legally acceptable.

http://www.commondreams.org/views01/0315-03.htm

today’s realization:

there’s great value in stealth.

No man, woman or child can tell me they have balls until they’ve watched this video and can say, “Eh. That was nothing.”

never ask an owl for shit!

I have friends I haven’t seen in a long time coming over tonight. They’re going to know that I’ve changed. So I’m just cleaning up, preparing for them, going through old things.

I really need to get my photos organized, especially considering photos, memories, are my most treasured possessions.

Okay, sometimes it’s not really about what actually happened. It’s how you remember things and people that make you stronger.

I’m still irritated at the career sector, but it’s still that intense, simmering stew. I think disappointed is a better word. I still refuse to work for anyone else unless I respect the person. I found my notes for a sales meeting, a sales meeting that dragged on with disorganized bullshit, so I never even got to go over my notes. I look at it and am at first, surprised to find that I actually sound intelligent. Sometimes I feel like I ramble in the most unintelligible ways. But then I think how silly I was to have been so passionate about helping to build a fort when the people around me really didn’t want my help. I guess in those terms, I’m in the process of getting over that.

So that opens up this entire universe of…what now? I’ve recollected all my energies so they’re mine again, and now I want to really take this decision seriously of where I want to put my passions. Will I be happy with the compromise of scattering them in different directions, each one drawing interest from me but nothing that blows my mind and makes me melt inside. Or do I find that one thing, be it a path, idea or person, and devote all of myself to it. One is moderate risk with semi-fulfilling reward (like sex with short-lived foreplay) and the other is like deciding to jump into a well where you just may find something that’s more incredible than the human orgasm, more fulfilling than anything you’ve ever known.

Tell me, is the well half empty, or half full?

I’ve been walking around with a big smile on my face almost constantly. I just…feel good a lot. Yet at the same time, I’m becoming slightly negligent of people. My mind is so focused on making sense of some abstract puzzle that I’m perceiving, that I don’t quite make any efforts socially. My phone always breaks down when I get this way and I lose everyone’s numbers. Even if I want to call them, I would have to make a concerted effort to get their number and I always procrastinate about that. Maybe that’s my way of letting people go for a while to see who’s still around when I come back. There are some people who will love you even when you’re gone. Maybe subconsciously I’m trying to tell myself that now is the time when I focus on my life alone. Maybe this place I’m in right now is like those sunsets in the park behind the house I grew up in, when the sky turns that perfect shade of watermelon and as you’re looking up, all you can smell is the wind through the grass. In that moment, you feel everything is infinite and everything is possible.

So then. What’s next?

just got back into town. tell me…has LA gone nuts over the Flobots yet?

i’m fucking screaming right now. are you hearing.

everything. how it comes together from one fixed point in the universe.

ecdysis is cool.

Things I need to study:

-ley lines
-glastonbury

Add to reading list:

-Freakonomics

Lauren and Aubrey wanted to know what I did with the missed connection.

I told them what I wrote back, and they laughed. I don’t have time for bullshit and I don’t fuck around. But basically, the idea (between us, not what I said to him) is that he won’t be coming into my world because to him, he’s chasing a ghost, an idea that doesn’t exist. But his friend has an opportunity, if he believes in magic.

I told Lauren, if there’s more to be said, he and I will run into each other again.

How do you know that, she asked.

We just will, I said. Because that’s the way these things work.

4/20

For the record, I want everyone to know I was completely sober on 4/20.

Though.

I was sitting in my car in our driveway in Fremont, chatting with my mom. It was a beautiful, sunny Sunday afternoon when all of a sudden, I hear a gobble-gobble-gobble from outside.

WTF, I say, looking around.

Oh yeah, my mom says. We have wild turkeys in the hills.

I’m sorry, what? Since when?

So I say, I’m gonna chase it!

So I get out of the car, and sure enough, there is a massive turkey wandering around at the end of our driveway. I chase it a bit so I can get a picture.

I know we’ve always had deer and once, I was late for school because a cow was blocking our driveway.

But turkeys. This is new.

I’m in Fremont now, after spending the weekend in San Francisco with good friends for Candice’s 30th birthday. It was a great weekend, though I got sunburnt on my face for the first time in years. I guess it takes a major event to get me out into the sun for long periods of time.

I drove up from Big Sur on Thursday, stopping at the Santa Cruz Beach Boardwalk to take pictures, including some of the Merry-Go-Round which I had written a thing about a few years ago. I was surprised but happy to see that it’s still there.

I picked up Michael from work and he was so happy to see me. We hung out and went to the gym, and I played basketball against my dad, beating him for the first time.

I headed up to San Francisco on Saturday where Aubrey had planned a picnic under the Golden Gate Bridge with a hell of a lot of oysters. Saw the whole SF gang and Simar told me he’s got an extra room he’s trying to rent out. It would only be about the cost of 3 nights in a hotel, so I’m thinking about it, about being able to keep a room in SF at least for a few months that I can hide out at when the whim hits. It would allow me to get a feel for SF too, since I like the idea of moving up there but I’m not ready to make the commitment and give up my place in LA.

I had a great conversation with Aubrey’s mom who remembers me as a 5th grader, and I told her that I can see where Aubrey gets his spirit from. They’re like kindred souls. We talked about life, old souls and following your spiritual path. I told her about the things that have been happening and she told me to keep doing it, keep having faith. You’re on the right path, she says. It was a beautiful day by the water.

We headed back and us girls got mani/pedi’s and then dressed to go out. I wore a dark green and black dress that reminded me a little of something in Sex and the City, but I looked pretty damn good. I hung out in the back tables of the bar rather than dancing though because I was a little feverish from my sunburn and my 1 1/2 martinis. Guys came by to chat and I was friendly, but I was secretly fading and running on reserve energy. Later, as we were driving home, Candice turned to me and said, “Julia, you could have had any guy in that bar.” I laughed. It was a sweet thing to say. “I didn’t see anyone I was interested in,” I said. I suspect I’m only interested in one person, whoever he is. I haven’t decided yet.

Back at their place, Lauren was reunited with the bong that ushered her through college. We all sat around and went through old photos and memories. It’s amazing, those beautiful, hysterical, wondrous moments that make up collective histories. I think memory is one of the most important things for a person to take care of.

Lauren said, “Brian told me someone wrote a missed connection looking for you.” Yeah, I said. Some dude who had a hot friend I was down with. I showed it to her and we laughed over it and gave it to Aubrey to give us a male perspective. Mostly, we were wtf-ing about the “baggage” part of the post. “How did you know this was out there?” asked Lauren. “I had a feeling,” I said. “So I went to the site, typed in ‘Morcheeba’ and it was the only one with that word.” Lauren stares at me the way she always does because she thinks I’m magic, but the funny thing is, since she believes it, she inspires me. “You’re always clairvoyant like that,” she says. “You always have these experiences that people always wish would happen to them, except you make a life out of it.” I laugh. “But you totally said this guy must be my soulmate. But he’s just some sleazy tool cutting in on his friend.”

But I really do hope that I’m proving a point here. Sometimes I wonder, sometimes I worry because my life seems so odd and different from other people, less road maps, less people I can go to who can really give me strong advice. But a part of me hopes that I’m proving to people that as crazy as it sounds and feels, sometimes if you believe in a greater conscious wisdom and you let it show you what it wants to show you by having faith, keeping your eyes open and following the signs, you will find proof that magic exists.

On the not so positive side was this phone call I got while I was camping. A guy I had one of my positive connections with last year left a message saying he went somewhere and wanted to talk to me. We played phone tag and then he left a message asking if I was Osiris. I know I’m not Osiris, though he came close to where I’m exploring. So I called him back and got him. I asked him where he’d been that he wanted to tell me about. He said, “Well, there’s Saturn, Jupiter, Pluto, Planet X, you know because you can travel, too.” “No, I can only travel inside other people a little, but not what you’re talking about.”

He gets a little frustrated. “You really limit yourself. You’re like me, you’re of the universe. You’re a queen and you need to take your place. I think it’s time we joined forces.”

Strangely, this is the second such conversation I’ve had in as many weeks.

“What would this entail,” I ask him, wondering if he’s legitimate, or if this is the trap of an unbalanced mind.

“Julia, I’ve been longing for you. I’ve been following you from afar, watching you.”

“How are you watching me,” I ask him.

“With binoculars, with a telescope,” he said. “I look into the sky and I can see you, feel you.”

Oh crap. This makes me nervous, whether he is physically stalking me or worse, can actually psychically find me.

“Why did you decide to call me now?” We haven’t spoken since that night, which was over half a year ago.

“Because I could feel it was time, that you were in a place where you were ready. I’ll give you whatever you want. I’ll give you the freedom you need. You do your own thing. You’ve always done your own thing. I’ll give you that and more.”

I think.

“I think that’s what I want most. I want freedom to do what I need to do and not be tied down to anyone.”

He gets mad.

“You want to be with those soulsuckers, don’t you? Those guys who don’t know who they are or what they’re doing? I’m telling you I can take you to places you’ve never been, around the universe. I’m the sun, no one can go as fast as me except you did. So you’re different and I’m trying to tell you that it’s safe now for us to be together, there’s an army now to protect us, but if you want to be with suckers, then fine. I’ll leave you alone. I’ve found you now but if you don’t want it I’ll leave you alone and find you another century. Because time is nothing. I’ve got time. I’ll find you again. You lock yourself in a bathroom and I’ll dig you out. I know where you are.”

Seriously, I’m freaked out and don’t know where this is coming from, and don’t know where this is going. So I’m silent.

“Obviously I thought you would be happy to hear all this but you’re scared so I’m just going to go. But I love you and if you want to be with me, you need to tell me now.”

I’m still silent. I can’t even process this, I want to fight or fly.

“4…3…2…1…”

Still, I say nothing.

“Goodbye, Julia.”

And he’s gone.

I hang up my phone and sit in my living room staring out at the night sky.

I think something went wrong.

********

I saw he called the next day, but I was heading to San Francisco so I didn’t want to listen to the message. But then the weirdest thing happened. My phone died. Just completely died.

When I got back today, I went to the cellphone store and they said I would either need to replace the battery or the phone. I thought about it, it’s a phone that I’ve always hated, a phone that seems to always fail me when I need it, a phone that incidentally, my ex gave me. So I decided to pay the $200 to get out of my contract and got a cheap
whatever phone from another provider. I’m happy about that. I did check my messages before I switched though.

The guy left a message just saying that it looks like I made some delicious food. He had no idea I could prepare such amazing food.

I didn’t cook the day he left the message, though the night before, my father had taken us out to a nice dinner and we’d had this crazy feast of sushi in those big wooden boats. Truthfully, I think he’s just hallucinating or going through something intense and is trying to draw me into it.

I think this is the universe telling me that now is the time that I learn how to set the right boundaries.

Aubrey gave interesting advice. He said, you obviously have a gift in being able to find people’s secret pains and giving them a way to acknowledge it and heal. But maybe your next step is learning how to protect yourself when you work, either not engaging with people who are more likely to attach to you than solve their own problems with the tools and wisdom you gave them, or figure out ways to protect yourself, like charge up magic words that unconsciously focus them away from you or by putting these ideas or words into the flow, they give you protection from people who want the wrong thing.

It’s funny…I had been reading about how to charge up symbols a few months ago and feel like I’ve on and off been able to charge words throughout life but I don’t know how to control it or do it at will. He said it’s maybe a skill that I need to work on right now to get to the next level. He told me to talk to Simar who had done some reading on it. And incidentally, Simar needs a roommate right now.

We’ll see. We’ll see.

For now, I need all imbalance and mental illness to not try to get involvement from me.

thank you, sia