Echo

i fucking hate this. i suspect i’m depressed but i can never tell.

and now on top of my glut of unlabeled inner happenings, i’m worrying that i’m being stalked.

i got a creepy message on friday that i dismissed, but when i went to check messages last night, i accidentally played it and a thought suddenly hit me…is that a woman screaming in pain in the background? the content of the message itself is already very creepy and strange (i could transcribe it but you really have to hear it), but then with what sounds like screaming in the background it just makes it creepier. i played the message a couple of times for brian. is this guy threatening me while raping/torturing some woman in the background? he agreed it’s creepy but wouldn’t say that it wasn’t screaming. he thought maybe it was a tv in the background. another thought occurred to me. is he watching some violent film where some woman’s getting tortured and that spawned thoughts of me? brian told me to see if my carrier can pull the message and keep it on file but unless he starts showing up, there’s nothing i can do at this point. i listen to it again. he makes a reference to wendy’s. maybe he’s just at wendy’s and he thought of me and those are kids in the background. then i realize how creepy it is that i’m listening to a creepy message and trying to decipher if his background noise is life-threatening.

hmmm.

maybe this is another sign that it’s time i leave town. if the next stage involves my left brain capacities being disabled to allow right brain channeling (left-brain organizational constructs of time and dates are starting to melt), i have to make sure i can keep my physical body safe while my mind is doing its thing. i can’t tell if i’m creating these experiences or attracting these experiences. but i’ve gotta be ready for them.

I’m still going through all the pictures from my birthday. It’s taken a while as much out of the sheer quantity of photographic evidence, as me being scared of what I’ll find. I’m still getting positive reviews from people mostly along the lines of, “Oh my God, I was sooooooooo drunk that night” and of the stiffness of the drinks that David had tried to report to me in the middle of the night when he grabbed me by the shoulders and with the horrified panic of a man telling me that they were drugging us and shoving us one by one into the pizza oven, he declared that the bartender was pouring an irresponsible amount of alcohol into the drinks and I had to be very, very careful as he attempted not to shake me in hysterics. Perhaps he knew it was in his best interest to cut me off, as the reports of who I did and did not make out with are also still coming in.

And then there’s this:

spent the night everywhere tonight. even engaged in a ninja assault.

men can’t defend against a woman trained in the secrets of the ninja. it’s just fact.

on a different topic: it is my nature to be a puzzle. an entity can only be as true as its nature. do you really want me to pull it together and be something that doesn’t represent me?

why i’ve been quiet lately.

when something is not in accord in my world, i disappear into my cave to make things very quiet, so i can discern the voices i should be listening to and the paths i should be taking. when i am gone, it is easier to see which are those who are consciously seeking me out, as those are the ones who may be significant.

does that make sense?

funny. no one has ever said it’s atypical for me to disappear. i wonder if what that actually means is that for a little while, i was more consistently present than usual.

it’s weird because i saw this new era coming, even understood what it would be like–standing at the doorway of a world that’s completely foreign or new, and knowing that once i stepped through, the rules would be different and the lessons would be harder. i wouldn’t be able to cheat anymore, since lately, i’d started being able to see the answers as i received the questions.

but then to be here…it’s like my psychic antennae is still stronger than ever, but the things i need to see, i completely can’t see. but in this new era, i’m not allowed to depend on my abilities of analysis to double check my intuition before turning in my answers. left brain is somewhat disabled leading me to learn to depend on my right. it’s the equivalent of an athlete breaking their dominant hand and learning to use the other. you should see my handwriting right now.

so where do we go from here

the secret is all around us
………..life is where we seek it
…………..of lies that illuminate the place where we meet again.

that’s really all anyone needs to know right now.

you can still talk to me if you need me, and i’ll try my best to be present.

teehee…

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rbPYmGq74eI

wanted

loved the special effects and who can look away when angelina’s on screen and packing heat. but i was seriously offended by its obnoxious ending.

the fight-clubness of the whole thing had irritated me earlier, but they gave it a rest for a little while so i thought they’d gotten over it. i think that’s why i was irritated that they brought it back full-force in the last moment as the movie was redeeming itself.

watching angelina fall in the background made me a little anxious, but i don’t think any movie can really kill angelina.

james mcavoy. this is the only thing i’ve seen him in. i actually sacrificed a spot on my netlix for children of dune because i read he played a twin and i was willing to check it out, but it felt so boring in my hand that i mailed it right back to get desperate housewives. i thought he was cute in the trailers. don’t know how i feel about him anymore. he seems like the kind of guy who’s theoretically really good in bed, but has equal chance to turn into an instant brooding baby or weep uncontrollably in your naked, confused arms. i don’t know. maybe he’ll surprise me.

i like this article:

http://www.slate.com/id/2194323/

it makes me wonder how much better the movie would have been if they had expanded the more mystical elements and really made it clash with the urban elements. imagine if someone japanese had done it. no one does myth and violence like asians. or maybe they were holding back on us. this seems like the kind of movie, if it goes all the way, it goes all the way.

this movie will turn you on though. in ways that may even surprise you. i secretly recommend watching the movie for that. you really do leave it feeling like you either did or are going to have some really intriguing sex.

it continually surprises me how i jump from logical left-brain person to amorphic right-brain experience. it’s like turning into a highly subjective jellyfish. a highly subjective ghost jellyfish. with legs and an overwhelming perspective.

i continually lose touch with people. i know i do. perhaps it’s a bit of an abandonment, but it comes from devastatingly porous attention span and no poor intentions. i assume people just forget about me while i’m away, knowing that i come and go, and sometimes i worry about coming back to people if i wonder if they might be upset with me for having left in the first place. but with people who let me come and go, everything is pretty open and easy. i like those connections.

i’m really seeing how projection almost determines a person’s current mindstate as well as what potential realities lie ahead. how there’s a definite link between mental energies and reality. my body was battered this week leaving me with my mind, and i was really seeing things.

remember that thing last may that was floating next to me during my transition time when my spirit suddenly became free? that night when i woke up and it was next to my bed, looking like a living organism containing entire worlds of interconnected galaxies of life, everything built as a web of illuminated prisms of the finest strands of life.

the last few nights, i’ve been startled awake to see a net around my bed. it always surprises me at first because i think it’s a mosquito net or the drapes of a four-poster bed and i’m suddenly terrified that i have no idea where i am. in the moments that my eyes are focusing, i see it’s made up of the same energy as the thing i saw last year, these organic beams of energy that surround my bed and protects my thoughts, dreams and projections as i sleep. once, in the left corner, i thought i saw a man nailing corner of the net to the ceiling, and he almost looked familiar in the peripheral of my dreaming mind. i felt comforted to see him rather than scared. but everything always slowly fades away while my eyes adjust, and then once i’m sure i know who and where i am, i put my head back down and go back to sleep.

there are so many directions i could go in, things that i could be, but i’m just hesitant to make a decision at this moment, so i’m keeping a lot of secrets these days.

do you ever have days where you simultaneously see everything, and that makes you believe in absolutely nothing?

read between the lines of this article:

http://forums.warriorsworld.net/main/msgs/2030588.phtml

someone’s brewing some magic over there. they’ve found something valuable.

It looks like it’s gonna be……

July 29th!!!! July 29th!!!! While the Sun’s in Leo for unlimited creativity and hopes & dreams!

Goodbye LA. I’ve warned your unappreciative ass for years but now you should probably know…I’m leaving you.

If you want me back, you’re gonna have to work for it.

damn. no gay love.

The stars for the Memphis Grizzlies for the next era are going to be Rudy Gay and Kevin Love.

Let me rephrase.

For the next few years, the Grizzlies will be touting: GAY LOVE

I’m just saying.

Darrell Arthur was statistically analyzed to be a good pro while Randolph is a likely flop. And he’s similar to Brandan Wright in body type except Wright is a lefty PF and Randolph is a lefty SF. Rumor is there’s a big trade coming down for the W’s on Monday and Wright might be gone. We need an SF and PG, but I don’t want to give up Wright.

Thanks, Baron. Thanks for the winks and the memories.

i’m so irritable today. had a doctors appointment and even called to confirm it on monday morning. she said it was at 3:45pm on the 25th. that’s wednesday?, i’d asked her. yes, she said. so wednesday the 25th at 3:45, i said. you got it, she said.

so why did i show up today to be told that my appointment is tomorrow? i just took a deep breath and took this to be another test.

this mercury retrograde was a bitch.

rie is back in town. she’s my voice of sanity. explained to her that i seem to be suffering from a bout of crazy bitch syndrome. my strain is where i guilt myself into oblivion for being a raging asshole, but guys seem to feel it makes them better people and it actually compels them to want to take things to the next level. i think most of it is in my head. i have issues and a feeling of disconnect with my inner and outer world. my internal feelings don’t seem to match up with their external affect.

i don’t know what i’m so upset about. maybe the lack of work, the lack of writing or the lack of physical equilibrium (suffering from a sinus infection because i tempted my dependency on health products by stopping my daily dose of green powder for a month). just…antsy.

i was in starbuck’s reading when this really old toothless guy wearing a frayed but neatly worn suit , dark, leathery skin and body curved with age, shuffled up to me. he definitely didn’t look homeless, but he moved slowly and carefully, his eyes like murky wells. he stood in front of me for a while before i finally couldn’t ignore him anymore and acknowledged him. what’s your name, he asked me. i repeated it a few times, whispering, but it was hard for him to catch. i didn’t want other people who were listening to catch my name and try starting a conversation later. julie, he asked. this is close enough so i said yes. you’re a lovely girl, he said then hesitated before adding, i can tell. you’re very special.

he never smiled the whole time, just looked at me tentatively, like he half expected me to recognize him. he paused and looked unsure of himself. i could feel great need emanating from him, an amorphic loneliness like a tide pool not necessarily devoid of life. he hesitated a bit and finally asked me, slowly and painstakingly, if i would accompany him to see a movie at the theater up the street.

and you know what? i said no. i politely lied and said i had to study but i said no. it was then that i realized he must have pondered the invitation with more than a casual thought. he kind of leaned back, and got that look in his eyes that men get when they’ve opened themselves up to vulnerability but instead of acceptance, they get a rejection that stabs them in their softest core…the look that surprises you with the level of hurt you’ve created, because you never thought you could hurt a man in that way, surprising you so much that you want to put your arms around him and take back everything that has ever hurt him.

it didn’t make me feel like a good person. he sadly thanked me for this meeting and my time and shuffled off. i could feel the guy at the next table staring at me, but i didn’t want to say anything to him. i just felt bad. the guy seemed genuinely lonely. but for me, especially in la, anyone could have a dangerous ulterior motive and it seems you have to be guarded most of the time.

aubrey tells me that there are great treasures to be gained when you share time with old people. but i live in la where so many strangers have freaked me out before. david says that this fear of strangers and serial killers is a strictly american thing. maybe this was a sign that it’s time for me to leave, especially coming off a day that was devoted to discussions of this very topic.

i told my dad that i won’t write here anymore. and i didn’t realize it as i was saying it, but as i heard myself say it, i realized it was true. just like the way i felt in taiwan that this wasn’t where i was supposed to be and i had somehow gotten off course, ever since my birthday i’ve felt that i’m in the wrong place now. maybe my birthday was my going away party.

The NBA draft is always the most exciting time of year for me.

Why?

Because I’m a Warriors fan and usually some hot new prospect is all we have to look forward to as a savior of our continuous next-year’s.

Here’s a cool article:

http://dberri.wordpress.com/2008/05/27/the-2008-nba-draft-preview/

Joe Alexander’s on steriods?

Well, he’s hot so as long as he doesn’t beat me in roid rage, I don’t care.

why does love make people put up with bullshit? i feel like balance has a hard time existing between people when emotions get involved. you’re either on one side or the other, abusive or being abused. dominating or being dominated. i don’t like being on either side. i dream of balance where two people in a love partnership just get along the way you do with your best friend. no one hurts anyone deeply and unintentionally. i suspect the pains have to do a lot with growth and motivating each other…sometimes that motivation to evolve comes out of conflict. but i don’t like it. i definitely don’t like being in a dominant role where i end up making people feel bad. i feel that if you don’t get too intensely involved with people, you’re more likely to live and let live and things don’t get intense. but life doesn’t really give you that choice, does it?

i just got back from the bay area. my mom kept bugging me, asking me if i was sad. why would i be sad, i would respond in the same exact way every time she asked. because your boyfriend left. do i seem sad? i asked her. no, she said. but then she adds, you always seem to know there are so many people out there and are always looking. i think you must be sad, but you’re just hiding your emotions from yourself.

but she kept bugging me the entire weekend, asking me if i was sad. she was getting so repetitive like when michael calls me multiple times a day and asks me for my flight information just because he wants to feel secure that i’m really coming. i finally asked her what her problem was. nothing, she said. i bet you’re sad.

i wanted to either shake her or give in.

i cried for a whole day, okay? is that what you want to hear?, i ask her in frustration.

the truth was, i didn’t cry for a whole day. i just kept tearing up a bit uncontrollably the morning of, feeling like i was teetering on the edge of a cliff, while secretly, i couldn’t wait for him to leave so i could be alone.

i bet you cried, she said with a smile of victory.

thanks, mom.

she was also driving me crazy by analyzing my party. she had looked at everyone at the party and decided which couples looked like they belonged together and would stay together and which ones she thought were mismatched. she brought it up again that if one of my friends wasn’t with his girlfriend, he would surely be with me because his girlfriend loves him more than he loves her while she thinks a part of him has always loved me, but his girlfriend is good for him because she’ll give him the stability he needs. i kind of hate it when she brings up that whole situation because while a part of me doesn’t believe her, a part of me doesn’t even want it spoken of because i don’t want to get in any trouble even though i’ve never done anything wrong. it’s just one of those things that should never ever be put on the table because it’s not right.

she noticed which guys had been following me around a bit and told me which ones i should be careful of. i told her i had no intentions of getting involved with any one of them.

but the thing was, she’d intuitively noticed and commented about most of the men who were characters in my life, but the one that needed the most commenting. all she would mention of the subject was focused on getting me to admit i was sad.

she’s mindfucking me.

wtf?

you can’t suddenly start poking a guy in the ear with a bully stick while things are good until he gets upset, then call with the intention to apologize only to stomp on his feelings until he cries, then let him stew in anxiety for a night before finally apologizing over a text in the middle of the night and while he’s relieved that you’re not walking out on him, make secret plans to find a job halfway across the globe to live closer to him which you are likely to freak out at if you actually get.

get a hold of yourself, gemini. what the hell is wrong with you? what the hell is making you so goddam mean? this isn’t like you at all. this really isn’t like you at all.

just watched lars and the real girl.

my mom kept coming in and out of the room commenting that he was sick. i finally had to ask her to either stop judging the character and pay attention, or leave. she left.

but my dad, who hadn’t been paying attention to it at first (reading the newspaper), stayed up past his bedtime to finish the whole movie.

weird movie, he said near the end as the fake girl was dying and the town rallied behind lars.

it’s a sweet movie, i said.

everyone in it is so nice and kind. even the guys who show up in the bowling alley who you think are going to do something destructive are kind and accepting. it really says a lot that we, as the viewer, are surprised when people are given the opportunities to be cruel, but they’re not. at least for me, it made me realize how little kindness we expect from our fellow man when it comes to acceptance of things that are out of the ordinary or vulnerable. it’s a movie that has a lot of heart. i really appreciate it for that.

i liked this film a lot. my dad grumbled at the end about it being weird again, but i could tell he was touched. it has such a positive message, about psychological pain and the process of healing…how someone who has a lot of love (even if wounded) will attract others capable of love and in turn, they heal each other. i think it’s important to see this cycle in action.

i think while the primary objective of film or any mass media can be for entertainment or education, if a message is skillfully conveyed, it’s capable of healing on a very subtle but dynamic level. i’m thankful tonight that the filmmakers were able to get this movie made, and that i watched it with my dad at a time in which we were both open and in need of this message.

last night i had a strong tower dream.

i found myself walking into a hotel room that was modern, gray motif with floor to ceiling windows depicting a gray world outside. it was an expensive room but i could comfortably afford it because i was successful myself. i was staying here with a girl i knew from college, a sagittarius whose limited idea of who i was had limited my feelings about myself when i was younger. she wasn’t there so i went into the bathroom where there was a massive, luxurious tub, and ran water to take a bath. i went back into the room and saw that she had left a note for me. connected with millen, it said, with a big happy face. millen? i went through my mental files trying to place the name millen, then remembered it was this uber-pretentious east-coast writer she’d liked. i saw an open notebook on the desk and read it. she wrote about meeting up with millen whom she’d been a big fan of, and how talk of literature led to dinner and finally a kiss. she talked about how this was a dream come true. i had ambivalent feelings towards her because of how i felt she’d tried to limit me, but i wasn’t jealous of her happy experience. i was too expansive inside for petty feelings.

i went back to the bathroom and saw the tub was only half-full, and the water was lukewarm. i realized i hadn’t closed the drain fully and so the water had been draining as i was trying to fill it. i didn’t really feel like taking a bath anymore so i went out.

as i walked out of the hotel’s glass doors, the city was all gray steel and windows, skycrapers, sidewalks and steel-colored sky. everything was clean and metallic, comfortably neutral. everything looked new and foreign, a future city where everything was in order. i’m sure there were people around but i felt isolated in my own world until i ran into a someone whom i’ve been missing. we were surprised to see each other but very happy. it felt like fated coincidence. how did you find me, i asked him. are you really surprised, he asked, and i realized that i wasn’t. it was always meant to be. we hugged then held hands as we walked and i could feel he was in a different place. he was glowing…he was free. what happened, i asked him. he smiled so happily, a warm energy that started in his chest and expanded all around him. i changed everything, he said. i let go of everything that was holding me down. and her?, i thought but didn’t ask. he laughed and shook his head. not your concern, i read it as saying, and it was true because we were here, together, knowing exactly who the other was, and we were happy. then i realized, this whole time, neither of us had said a word…everything had been communicated within our minds. it didn’t matter where it was we’d come from or what structures we were responsible for or tied to in the physical world…what mattered was that we had managed to find each other here, and we had a private, mystical place in which we could truly connect and we didn’t have to hide anything.

we reached a street light and i pressed the button, letting go of his hand. we didn’t say a word, just so content to have found each other in this place. when the light changed to green, i reached out and grabbed his hand, suddenly fearful that this gesture might be inappropriate. but the feeling of connection felt right, and he squeezed my hand like it’d always been this way, and we crossed the street, hand in hand like we were always meant to be whole.

i know i don’t have to apologize, but i want to be open as a symbol of explanation and reciprocation. i’ve been really looking out into the world lately and at the people around me, trying to understand them and be more willing to connect with them. i have communication difficulties inherently that i’ve kind of creatively figured out how to compensate for when i was young…they seem to whimsically get me by. now i’m trying to become more interactive despite inherently finding it draining, but it’s not because people aren’t amazing, wonderful human beings. it’s just because when i say things exactly as i see them, they’re completely true, but people can’t always seem to understand me or refuse to understand, and it can range from being comical to frustrating. i feel like the things i see have value that sometimes people can’t recognize. it’s like trading shells with bead-worshippers. you can’t blame them, it’s just different currencies.

time. words. places. all figments of all our imagination (organization), yet also willed into a concrete reality. it’s such a strange yet complementary paradox.

the reason i enjoyed being 29…

it felt like being a little drunk every day. it was like one year-long new year’s eve party where you could do anything and it didn’t matter, because the slate was being wiped clean and you’d graduated with honors like you’d hoped you would. then at midnight comes this magical mini-reincarnation, except you get to keep your memories. a part of you exits and re-enters through another door, and yet you remember exactly who you are and the room is just as you’d left it, despite the introduction of a whole new world. in that sliver of time when that portal was open, if you’d really let yourself take things in out of the corner of your eye, you could see the shadows of magic (Intention) in the background. remember the rainbow? my little mystery valentine’s gift to you last year… i revealed it. hope you didn’t blink. ;)

master your dreams.

when the dust settles, look around you and see what you were able to bring with you. i hope the things you brought were the ones that will be useful for you. i hope the partners you’ve chosen to stand behind you will be the ones who remain with you. i hope you looked around, when your world was revealed and you saw with only the eye of truth, that you understood what you saw and that you will remember it. i hope this new world will be a good one to you.

and if you’re one of the people who missed it, well, you know…life without proof of magic is fun too. you can, like, go bowling.