Echo

this monkey’s gone to heaven…

http://www.iht.com/articles/2008/05/29/healthscience/brain.php

i’m in the final lap.

june 14, 2008 = 3 = emergence

after that, everything changes. so if you have anything to say or anything you want to know, speak now while this door is open or forever hold your peace.

landed in taiwan yesterday and i can already tell this is a mistake. i was the closest i’ve ever been to a 4-pack…in fact, i was 2 lbs below my driver’s license weight which i haven’t been at since i first passed my driving test at 16…and now i come to the gluttony capital of the world. well, maybe 2nd only to memphis.

we took the 1:30am flight out of san francisco, and then were served two meals on the plane which i tried to sleep through but michael was kind enough to wake me up for. he knows whatever i don’t eat, he gets to spear off my tray so he was making damn sure i was getting served. we landed at 6am taipei time and my mom already had the first 3 meals planned.

we went to the usual place that sells all things greasy and started out with some chinese donuts (those fried sticks) which i won’t eat, egg tortillas, grilled daikon cakes, pot stickers, scallion buns and sweetened soymilk. this set the thre of us back a total of about $5. we walked by a place selling scallion pancakes, but they griddled it on an egg with basil and hot sauce. i think those almost made the trip alone, but again, i could feel all my hard work and determination in striving for this 4-pack slipping through my greasy fingers.

my mom wanted to take us to the hospital to get checked out because it’s cheap here. she wanted me to get my shoulder checked out but i really don’t trust the doctors here, considering i barely trust anyone who’s not a specialist in the states, and not without a 2nd opinion. but this is what happens when you’re born into a family of asian hypochondriacs, so we were all herded into a taxi for a family outing to the hospital, where we all get checked for various things.

first of all, i hate hospitals. i think even if you were otherwise healthy, there’s something about the energy of a hospital that makes people sick. so even if you go in perfectly healthy, if you spend too much time at a hospital, maybe psychosomatically, the place will wear you down. and then, going into an asian hospital, the fact that most of the people are wearing face masks just freaks me out.

it’s like a deli in there. take a number, state your issue and they get you in and out within 5 minutes and the next number pops up on the display. i didn’t like the doctor right away. i told him what hurt and he asked me why i was playing. i ignored him. he tested out my arm and said, this makes it feel like it’s going to pop out, right? i think all this talk that i’d really hurt my arm had me babying it so i was afraid his twisting would hurt, but i realized, no it actually felt stable. i said no, and he asked me if i was sure. i said yes. he did it harder and the only thing that hurt was the deltoid, and when i told him, he said, that can’t be, like i was lying to him and it was the most absurd thing i could have said to him. and i said, well, when it dislocated, the muscle was really sore afterwards and it’s been less than a week since it happened so it makes sense that the muscle would still be sore. he asked me if it hurt in the front and he pushed harder. it was hurting now because he was pushing so hard and i said, no, it still just hurts in the back.

he twists my left arm and surprisingly, it feels the same, minus the muscle soreness.

then he tells me, the ligament is torn and if i ever want to play sports again, i’ll need surgery.

i thought maybe it was the language barrier because what he was saying was absurd, given he was basing this off an xray and a manipulation test that didn’t show joint instability which would point towards a torn ligament. i asked him to explain and he said the same thing. i told him, you can’t tell a torn ligament from just an xray. you need an mri.

then he backpedals and says, well, what i mean is you need to get an mri. but if you’ve stretched your ligament or have torn it, you’re still going to need surgery, unless you want to just quit sports for the rest of your life.

what? what about the wonders of physical therapy?

i think i started getting angry because again, you can’t tell a torn ligament from just xrays and a manual manipulation test that shows no joint instability. plus, it would also depend on which ligament is torn and there are many options before surgery. and it was bothering me that i knew this and the doctor didn’t seem to.

we went back and forth and then he was saying something about how i should come back when the shoulder specialist was in and i think i was talking to him like i thought he was an idiot and the nurse intervened and i just ejected from the conversation and asked for my slip and left.

i was pretty pissed because you just don’t introduce something like that into someone’s reality because it can manifest. if i have to have surgery, i’ll deal with it, but you can’t throw out a diagnosis that serious if you don’t have the facts. you’re a fucking doctor. be a little more responsible.

i guess after i left, my aunt went looking for me and had talked to the nurse. she found me and was like, the nurse told me you need surgery! fucking idiots.

but the truth is, i’ve been thinking a lot about it and a lot of people have been talking to me about it. i really felt that this injury was a warning. i’ve always been very intense about sports and pushing my body, and while i can get away with it while i’m young, at some point, i’ll pay a price for it when i’m older. i want athletic kids and i want to be able to teach them basketball and play with them, and i know i’m going to be an older mom if i do have kids, so i want to be able to chase after them and not be gimpy.

so i think it’s time to try to get really into yoga and/or pilates, or find some other outlet for my energy. the problem is that if i don’t get it out athletically, it gets funneled into my head and then i’m up all night chattering in there and can’t sleep. the problem really goes like this:

i have a high amount of mars energy. mars is passion/aggression or sex drive. you basically have two ways to get it out.

sex is a complicated matter with me. ideally, i think sex is best with someone i have a certain type of chemistry with, a connection that riles up a certain type of passion within me so that i can release that energy in all its intensity. my energy can be pretty intense. for me, there’s a fine balance of things that make a person sexually attractive to me–a combination of wits, intelligence, physical attractiveness and then that big intangible “thing.” i don’t have a particular type, but when i find someone i’m attracted to, it’s like this buzzing in my head until it hits me like lightning, and i know the sex will be really damn good…the kind where it’s all passion, no seperation between where you end and the other person begins. but the difficult thing is, these types of connections are rare and are either there or not. i can’t manufacture it even if i would really like to get it on the regular. it’s just a matter of finding the right person with this type of connection or if they aren’t around…working out A LOT. i’m also very shy in this respect as i’ll never initiate, but usually the people who can connect with me in this way, have a good feeling that the door is there if they open it. it’s a matter of if they want to though, as this type of a connection is a pretty serious surrender to a greater power beyond two people, so it usually gives men who are control freaks conniptions. i’ve learned even if the sexual attraction is great, not to waste my time with these types of guys and as strong as the pull is, i’ll stay away from them.

on the flipside, in between those connections, i think i was programmed like a man. in times when i’m bored, i can have sex without getting emotionally involved and sometimes once i’ve pursued and gotten it from someone, i’m done. it was really about the pursuit. but being a woman, i recognize that’s not always morally attractive, especially since the men sometimes ge
t emotionally attached, so after a lot of messy entanglements when i was younger, i have a lot more self-control about these things. or i’m careful not to piss in my own pool.

i prefer the former to the latter though.

so often that leaves me with no outlet for this energy, thus my need for athletic activity and physical competition. weeks when my energy level is higher, i have to go to the gym twice a day or i can tell i’ll be up all night. and sometimes i’m doing cardio for over 3 hours and it doesn’t make a dent, though my body is wearing down.

i’ve gotta find a more productive solution for this. the key is balance and i think this injury is a warning to me that i need to find a balance. i can’t have all this energy outletted athletically or i’m going to wear down my body too quickly, and i can’t have it all outletted mentally or i’m going to drive myself crazy with the mental chatter and the insomnia. and i don’t need to go out racking up sexual conquests. i think i really just need to find someone i have that specific connection with and get it on the regular, but not so much that i lose focus on everything else in my life, which sometimes happens. then i’ve gotta balance out that energy in the different areas of my life. i think this is something that’s important for me to figure out right now.

in the meantime, i think i want to come home early. i’m supposed to be here until the 8th, but it just feels too long, especially when i’m going through such an important period of my life and i have a lot of work to do.