Over the years, I’ve come to an understanding that the things that matter most to me, I keep the most private. I’ll even be seemingly dismissive or deflective about something that I care a lot about, because things and people that are special to me are cherished with an almost transcendental quality, and I don’t want other people coming in and destroying the innocence of that, whether intentional or unintentional. If something means a lot to me, I protect it from the prying minds and hands of others. I didn’t understand it until I read about Venus in the 12th house, which really helped me come to peace with it and recognize what things matter to me. Venus in the 12th means secret relationships. I used to be freaked out because I read a lot about this placement that talked about it meaning affairs and a life of tortured unhappiness in romance because of idealism and its ensuing disillusionment. I’ve never cheated and am morally uncomfortable with the idea of carrying on with someone attached, but I think the way I output this energy is I keep my romantic relationships and feelings a heavily protected secret. If I’m idealistic in romance, then let the two worlds be seperate so the light of reality may never shatter it, when dreams can coexist just as well as reality on different planes. I tend to hide my true feelings with how deeply I hide in direct proportion to how strongly I feel. But if someone can find me and give me a safe space to show what secrets I hold, I’ll let them into a private world full of rich, passionate feelings that’s not tainted by anything from the outside.
Last week I wrote that the problem with a person who is deceptively outgoing or aloof as a way to protect their internal shyness is that they won’t be able to draw in other people who are shy like themselves. It really did make me sad because someone who has the ability to see and understand the real, private you will have a hard time realizing you’re there through your smokescreen. But sometimes, a person will just naturally slip through or disable your defenses just because of who they are. It’s my sword in the stone theory. Arthur pulled the sword from the stone because he was the right person. A person will pull the thorn from your heart when he is the right person.
I can wait.