Echo

The playlist I will seduce you by.

19 Songs to Rumble Your Loins.

Resistance is futile. Hit play, lay back, succumb. (you can touch me if you want…)

I’m no angel, but please don’t think that I can’t cry

I was on the plane back to California, thinking about the countdown on my camera from a couple of weeks ago. Then I had a thought. I checked when I got home and as I suspected…if the countdown was a 15 day countdown, then it ends on the full moon of October 4th. Interesting because the countdown appeared less than 24 hours after the new moon, which definitely brought some magic in, and new moons and full moons are tied. This is even more interesting, considering each full moon since July has brought something magical and mystical to pass. They say full moons are times of magic and unusual circumstances, as well as seeing the fruition of the seeds you plant during new moons. The timing of this mysterious occurrence seems too coincidental. Will be on the lookout. Anyone who made wishes on September 18th/19th or put something out into the universe should also keep their eyes, hearts and spirit open. What was planted then may suddenly open up their eyes or skies this weekend.

One of the things I’ve written about, is how in a healthy relationship, each partner should want the other to reach for their potential and be the best that they can be. If they love you, they won’t want to limit you. They will want you to have successes in life, and when you have them, they’ll be happy for you, rather than jealous or intimidated. A relationship should bring out the best in both people. And when the best comes out, each partner will respect it and be happy for it.

Now at the end of the retrograde, which also forces people to reflect on the past, I’m thinking about compromises. Where you should compromise (agreements that make sharing a life more positive and comfortable for both partners), and where you shouldn’t compromise (giving up things you want and need in order to feel like yourself, evolve towards a more truthful, higher version of yourself, and the things you need to feel safe, positive and complete. You should never give up anything that compromises your self-respect).

I’ve only been in one relationship where my partner pushed me to be the best that I can be and was always happy for all my successes, and that’s why I always regard it as my best relationship so far. It was also my longest relationship, and the only reason we’re not still together is because I needed someone who had a better practical ability to take care of himself and a future family financially, but the bigger issue, he didn’t set my loins on fire. Without sexual chemistry and attraction to begin with, it’s very hard to sustain a relationship. I know because I read a lot of relationship psychology books at that time to find a loophole and there just isn’t a way around it. He was my best friend, my buddy, a guy happiest in the role as my sidekick. As Brian would say, “You guys would pal around and complete each other’s silliness, but then, you would start thinking about adult responsibilities and you couldn’t see him as the one you could depend on in the long run.” I would push him out to take control of his own dreams and career, and it just put a lot of pressure between us. He tried though, but at the end of the day, I don’t want a guy who’s struggling to fit what I need; it shouldn’t be that way. I want him to feel comfortable being himself, that who he is, is enough for me. As for my ex, for another girl, he will be. He’s a wonderful man who will have a beautiful life with a very nice girl. But he’s just not mine.

The relationship was a very supportive, happy and positive one, but it wouldn’t have worked out, unless I compromised on some things that were important to me. And I still regard him highly as a person (he was loyal, he was kind, he loved my family and brother as his own, his family loved me as their own, he was always there when I needed him even if he didn’t understand half of the existential crises that would take hold of me, and he was a man of infinite sweetness–the number of times he would have to go out of his way to bring my lunch to my office because 5 out of 10 mornings, I would leave it sitting by the front door in my rush to work..but he always did it happily because he regarded it as another chance to see me; the time i went on a business trip to atlanta and cried on the phone when I found out a friend’s mother had passed away, and he called the hotel and ordered milk and cookies to be sent to my room). In many ways, he set the bar for how a kind man who loves a woman should treat her. But in one of the saddest lessons I’ve learned thus far, things can be wonderful, but still not right. I could have probably stayed in that relationship for a couple of more years. But the same valid doubts would have still been there. And eventually, you can’t really have kids if you don’t want to have sex. So…as it goes…life goes on. One day, when we both have families of our own and time under the bridge, we might still be friends again. We’re good at pushing each other towards our dreams, and we’re happy to celebrate each other’s successes.

I know what it means to have a supportive partner, because I’ve had it. I also know what it means to have a partner who can tell you he loves you, but not be happy for you to succeed. You just have to recognize the signs and the language. I’ve had a guy tell me to “get off your high horse,” when I tried to lay out in a cause-effect timeline where our communication was going awry, giving both of us the responsibility in an effort to make things better (he always resented my intelligence and my ability to communicate). I’ve collaborated on projects with guys, and would later, overhear them claiming they did it themselves. Even guys I wasn’t in a relationship with, it ranges from reminding me that my biological clock is ticking (doesn’t work…I can accept a future without children…I’m not going to allow a desire to have children force myself into a bad choice), subtle ways of reminding me that I’m not that special or great but luckily they think I am (says a lot about them), or lamenting that it’s like I’m on another level and resenting it, so the choice is, either meet them on their level or they’re not interested (see ya).

These guys can go. In so many ways, how a person treats you, someone they want next to them, will tell you everything you need to know about what they think of themselves. And if they can meet a great person who is always pursuing her potential, always trying to be the best person she can be not to be better than other people, but to be the best version of herself which would benefit everyone around her, and they can want to tear her down because it makes them feel bad about themselves, then these guys are no prizes. You want someone who strives to be the best person he or she can be, and knows there’s room for everyone to have their personal successes, especially the ones they love most. That when they see you trying to be the most you can be, it makes them happy, because it makes them proud of you, it makes them love you more, it inspires them, and it makes them feel lucky. But it should never make them feel that for their own peace of mind, they have to take it away from you, to bring you down.

Be aware of this dynamic. It happens all the time. The easiest way to tell is whether you feel you are the best version of yourself in the relationship, or that you are being supported towards that. If you feel in any way that your partner is not happy for or is limiting your growth towards positive expansion, then it may be time to take a closer look at the dynamics of your relationship. If you have a partner who supports and applauds the best version of you, then consider yourself very lucky– you already have what many people want. The rest, is in the chemistry and destiny.

night-time julia is so different from day-time julia. day-time julia is half there, half trapped. in the night-time, i am integrated and can fully emerge.

julia is wondering, can i hit it in the morning without giving you half of my dough…

If you find no one to support you on the spiritual path, walk alone. There is no companionship with the immature.

-Buddha

i put on sia’s lady croissant album today (one of my favorite albums…sia is the vocalist for zero 7). this is the first song. i started laughing when i heard it because it reminded me of a conversation i had yesterday. i dedicate this song to a radiant friend of mine.

you have her pictures,
you have her pictures,
you have her pictures everywhere.

you’re covered in stitches,
you’re covered in stitches,
you think i can’t see them, but i know they’re there.

take her down from the wall,
let yourself fall,
you can’t keep her frozen, dormant at your court,
you can try to move on, tripped by stitches come undone.

you lost your big heart,
you lost your big heart,
you lost your big heart beating bare.

she gave you a new start,
she gave you a new start,
but you knew you’d lost her to despair.

take her down from the wall,
let yourself fall,
you can’t keep her frozen, dormant at your court,
you can try to move on, tripped by stitches come undone.

your skin burns and prickles,
your skin burns and prickles,
your skin burns and prickles when she’s near.

you try to play it cool,
you try to play it cool,
you try to play it cool, but you’re filled with fear.

take her down from the wall,
let her go, or make her yours,
you can’t keep her frozen, dormant at your court,
you can try to move on, tripped by stitches come undone.
you can try to move on, tripped by stitches come undone.
you can try to move on, tripped by stitches come undone.
you can try to move on, or maybe she is the one.

–sia, pictures

Pictures – Sia

Sia’s hilarious story about the song in an interview:

Yeah, I was working in my friend’s studio and he had broken up with his girlfriend about eight months prior, and he had all these pictures up behind his computer in the studio of him and his ex girlfriend these huge posters of her all over the studio. And it had been such a long time, and he talks about her all the time but he wasn’t sure whether he wanted to be with her or whether he didn’t, and I was at the end of a very long song writing period and was looking for inspiration. Because the f***ed part about writing songs everyday is that you end up not having any life to actually write about; you can’t write about writing songs and it becomes this kind of catch 22. So, I guess I just looked up and thought I’ll write a song about him being incapable of moving on. So I wrote it and gave it to him and he was both touched and alarmed and removed all the photos.

took a walk in the light drizzle this afternoon, looking for the waterfall garden. feeling very present, strong, but dark. dark energy gives me the strongest light. while crossing the street, i passed a man. when our eyes connected, i acknowledged him and his jaw dropped in surprise.

i’ve learned there’s no point in analyzing it. i just accept it.

there was a city worker cleaning up a construction site. he looked like a sweet guy having a bad day. could feel all kinds of harmless little cuss words over his head. so when he looked over, i gave him a big warm smile like a hug to a friend. he broke out in a really big smile. i looked away and when i looked back, he was still smiling. i smiled and he gave me a nod like, ‘thank you.’ that felt good. probably for both of us.

i went to the garden. a homeless man in one corner, a couple of guys in deep conversation in the other. it’s really interesting there. it’s not peaceful exactly, because the sound of rushing water is pretty loud. but it is meditational, because you do need a lot of focus to block out the sound. the visual surroundings are beautiful. i tend to be someone who works best with moderately pleasant background noise. read a few more stories from fulghum. this lone, elderly japanese man walked by a few times, then found a seat on the level below, just in front of me. to be honest, if he had been interested in conversation, i would have been happy to talk to him.

it was beautiful because it was drizzling with a dramatic sky, but the garden felt so alive. if it weren’t cold as well, it could have been a park in taiwan or singapore. in the middle of a tropical rain storm. it was a lovely feeling of displacement, of being in overlapping points of time and space. consciously creating a memory in the present.

two different people asked me for directions. first, the place isn’t very big and it’s not very crowded, so i had no idea where these people were emerging from. but i guess i’m one of those people who seems like she would know, so i’m always being asked directions when i’m in a place i don’t know well. i actually knew the answers to both, so that made me happy. i love being helpful.

took a beautiful walk towards the tailor. the clouds were amazing. a man with a cane caught me looking up.

something’s brewing, he said. i turned and looked at him to see if he was reading the sky or me.

definitely, i said with an innocent smile.

in their eyes, i can always see the hounds coming. i put my headphone back in and caught the signal at the crosswalk in one quick stride. how’s he gonna catch me with a cane? i don’t talk to strangers. ;)

oh, i am unprepared for the cold here. it’s so cold here, it makes me want to put on a t-shirt and walk faster. i know, it doesn’t make sense but i’m a girl who loves simultaneous extremes. just look at my views on sex and love. what? you’re not sure of my views on sex and love? exactly my point. simultaneous contradictory extremes. you don’t know where i’m at. probably neither do i. but it doesn’t matter as long as it gets me closer to who i am. and as in all sciences and arts, life is born in the contradictions.

the run back with the dress was ridiculous. but even more ridiculous was i got 2 blocks away from home, suddenly had an impulse to test my luck, ran 2 blocks in the opposite direction to a bakery to get a tiny bite-sized coconut cream pie i’d read about then continued the 4 blocks home. i know. i left that part of the story out earlier. so sneaky, this one. those extra blocks were probably what allowed the water to soak me through my sweatshirt, through my shirt down into my bra. i don’t think i’ve ever been that wet without jumping into a body of water.

any other thoughts on the day…oh, rie forwarded a job opening for a graphic designing gig for a vibrator company. i told her she’d be perfect for it. that when i think of her, i think: 1. baby apparel (she’s working on a baby clothing line), 2. vibrators, 3. all things french. that if she could design a french vibrator in the shape of a cherubic baby (hey, they had a rubber duckie one on their website), she would be golden.

we’d talked a couple days ago about branding for her clothing line. she was saying she had looked around and the same type of stuff is out there. i told her what mattered was her vision, which would set her apart. so it didn’t matter if the item itself was out there–just like a pair of pants is a pair of pants, but some people pay thousands for designer brands. she has very unique artistic vision…i always think of her as my french japanese friend, because even though she’s japanese, i swear her spirit is french). that if she creates what she would personally like to see on the market, people will recognize it as very edgy and hip. anything unique and well-done is easy to brand as exclusive and premium.

her next email refers back to that conversation:

heehee. now this is the kind of concept that you would have totally came up with, seriously:

http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/c/a/2006/02/12/LVG7HH2MJ11.DTL

So i’m sure somebody said, “well, there’re tons of vibrators out there”. But not the “right” kind, and this brand fills that niche.

i forgot to mention. where i see rie as my “french friend,” she sees me as her “super sexually liberal friend.” neither of us get why the other person thinks of us the way they do (we don’t see it ourselves!), but we just go with it.

last day of the retrograde. had to go pick up my dress. she told me that i’ll need another person to get me into it because of the way she altered the back so i’ll wait until i get to cali to try it on. what was kind of fucked up was that it was threatening to rain when i went in, and 5 minutes later, i come out and it’s a full on pouring rainstorm. which i love. usually. but not while protecting this freakin’ bridesmaid dress that needs to make it to daisy’s wedding intact.

i couldn’t get a taxi so ended up running the 12 blocks in pouring rain, while trying to protect this dress (it was in plastic, but halfway there, the bag opened at the bottom and the train spilled out, but i caught it and had to hold that, too, as i ran. by the time i got home, i was so drenched even my bra was soaked through. but the dress is fine.

unbelievable.

Babel is one of my favorite all-time movies, both for the film itself, and for the daring way that Alejandro Inarritu worked with the actors and cultivated stunning performances despite language barriers. The film was made in a way that honored the film’s themes. He should have absolutely won best director that year, as well as best film.

Here’s a live performance of my favorite piece of music from the film by Ryuichi Sakamoto. It represents an entire emotional landscape… absolutely moving.

Competition rules–48 hours to write a 5 page script with the following parameters:

Genre: Romance / Location: Wax Museum / Object: Bag of Potato Chips

I dedicate my story to my father.

(non-screenwriter’s key: INT = Interior, EXT = Exterior, VO = Voice Over, OS = Off Side)

INT. WAX MUSEUM – NIGHT

Ghostly shadows in pockets of dark and light. James Bond.
Genghis Khan. Cleopatra. Elvis. Frozen wax statues. The
silence is so alive it breathes. A wall clock strikes 3am.
And then suddenly, echoing between the walls…

A young, scrawny GUARD hurries down the hall, bobbing
flashlight in one hand, open bag of potato chips clutched in
the other. His name tag reads: Alvin.

Alvin runs past the Greatest Presidents exhibit, rounding the
corner and shining his light on…JOHN WAYNE. The great cowboy. John is standing in front of an eerie tableaux of the Last Supper. He uses a stiff hand to shield his eyes from the light.

Alvin stares in shock at John’s waxy face and lifeless eyes.
The bag of chips falls to the ground. John examines his own
waxy hands, palms up, palms down, flexes his fingers.

John Wayne–frightened and confused, a lost wax golem.

EXT. TRAILER HOME – NIGHT

A WOMAN, barefoot and in a nightgown, long curly hair wild,
hurries out the door into the night, stars shining. Eyes open
but blank. She lifts her head up towards the moon as though
taking communion.

An 8 YEAR-OLD ALVIN gently leads her back inside. She cranes
her body back towards the treeline and moon, as if
magnetized.

BACK TO SCENE

Alvin has John gently by the elbow and is leading him back to
his spot between a wax ALFRED HITCHCOCK and a wax JIMMY
STEWART. John steps up behind the display reading, JOHN
WAYNE, his hands drop into his familiar pose and he freezes.

Alvin walking through the Prehistoric Man exhibit.

Alvin breaks into a run.

Alvin leads John down a dark hall, passing the Exhibit of the
Pope.

INT. BREAKROOM/MUSEUM – NIGHT

Alvin is starting his shift, putting his car keys and a
bagged lunch into his locker. Another guard, CARL, a paunchy
man with a red beard, washes out his thermos at the sink.

Carl examines him with the weary eyes of a new father. He
shakes water from his thermos and throws it into a backpack.

INT. CHAMBER OF HORRORS – NIGHT

Alvin stares at an evil SPANISH INQUISITOR standing over a
man being pulled apart on a rack. He pokes the statue in the
eye. The thing is creepy.

Alvin is having a staring contest with evil Hitler when…

He nearly jumps out of his skin.

ALVIN sits on the floor, flashlight beamed at John Wayne’s
face, staring with vigilant hope in his eyes. Checks his
watch. 3:06am. Silence.

INT. CHILD’S BEDROOM – NIGHT

A middle-aged Alvin holding his INFANT DAUGHTER, her tiny
hand around his pinkie. She stares into his face like he’s
her entire universe. You couldn’t imagine a greater love.

INT. WAX MUSEUM – DAY

Alvin, dressed clean, nervous, hair carefully slicked, and a
slim young woman with bright eyes. His future wife, CLAIRE.

They enter the Room of Entertainers. Claire walks slowly,
examining the figures — Marilyn Monroe, Elvis, Alfred, Jimmy
— then stops in front of John Wayne.

Claire looks at him.

INT. LIVING ROOM – NIGHT

The sounds of gunfighting as Alvin and Claire sit on the
couch, wrapped together in a blanket, Alvin looking slightly
under the weather. He looks at Claire, their faces dancing by
the glow of the TV, but it can not hide the love in his eyes
for this woman.

INT. CHILD’S BEDROOM – NIGHT

Alvin tenderly smooths his daughter’s wisps of hair, looks
into those big bright eyes, her mother’s eyes.

Alvin reminisces. Through the open window, crickets chirp.
Behind him, the hands of the clock shift. It’s 3am.

The baby in his arms closes her eyes with a faint smile,
sighing a wisdom beyond human years.

one day you will ask me about my father, and i will tell you, “he was a man of many moods and storms. but no matter the weather, he taught me the one thing that always made me different, was i never accepted that humans couldn’t fly if they wanted to.”

last night

someone down the hall either got a puppy that isn’t used to being at home alone yet, or someone makes some very unfortunate sounds during sex.

Older chests reveal themselves
Like a crack in a wall
Starting small, and grow in time
And we all seem to need the help
Of someone else
To mend that shelf
of too many books
Read me your favourite line

Papa went to other lands
And he found someone who understands
The ticking, and the western man’s need to cry
He came back the other day, yeah you know
Some things in life may change
And some things
They stay the same

Like time, there’s always time
On my mind
So pass me by, I’ll be fine
Just give me time

-Damien Rice

i got a great question today.

someone noticed that i’m always talking about wanting someone who asks “the right questions.” and he asked a great question…what constitutes “a right question?”

any question a person asks that actually represents the question inside them, in a way that openly seeks a truthful answer. i like being truthful. i like when people don’t set me up so that being truthful is actually a trap.

basically, a question formed by a desire for open truth, with the purpose of seeking truth.

i need this because i struggle in conversations that aren’t immersive and direct. my perception of the world shows all the parts simultaneously with the sum of the whole. so my view of truth can be very multi-dimensional or very straightforward. in immersive and direct conversation, the more i understand specifically what a person is seeking, the better i can give direct answers.

some people don’t ask questions.
some people don’t ask the questions that answer the questions they really have.
if you ask the right questions, people will give you the right answers. it’s kind of that simple. it comes first with willingness, then with consciousness, then with practice.

mercury has been messing with my blog. posts were disappearing then reappearing, but the most egregious thing was taking posts that were saved as drafts and making them public all of a sudden (resolved with a refresh). mercury, i’ve been tolerant of every bit of technology you’ve messed with this month, and you’ve been pretty bad. but the one rule is you don’t touch my blog or hard drive.

julia doesn’t eat bait. she knows the real thing when she tastes it.

i love that i’m going to be back here in time for the full moon next month. right before midnight it usually hangs just out my door so i can see it from my writing chair.

we don’t get cloud cover in la over the moon the way they do here. it’s very dramatic. i’m very happy tonight. another night of arcade fire’s neon bible looped in the background but i just changed it to my own mix. now playing (come pick me up, ryan adams). a sad, angstful song that actually makes me happy (figuring how good he must have felt when he wrote it and it turned out amazing).

i’m happy with where my life is going. everything is falling into place. all that energy is being channeled through my mind into my hands almost unconsciously. it’s very gratifying.

i like scientists and engineers. they and i have such a delightful curiosity about each other.