Echo

Into the Blue and Gray – Seattle – Day 1

Michael and I spent the night before in Portland with Amber and Jason in the cute little house they share with their springer spaniel, Parker, and cats, Honky and Crackers (the cats are white with tan splotches. They look identical but according to Amber, Honky is the honor roll student, and Crackers is the smoking under the bleachers badass).

We got up in the morning and Michael wanted to get right on the road to Seattle, so we picked up some coffee and coffee cake at a place Amber recommended, Jim & Patty’s (had the Oatmeal Coconut and Marionberry…both excellent), and hit the road.

We got into Seattle at 11am, finding a radio station playing 90’s music in honor of 09/09/09. The 90’s were probably my favorite decade of music.

Got the keys for my apartment, and finally…we were home. The view of the water was as majestic as I remembered.

Thank God Michael came. It would have probably taken me hours to unload my car, but with Big Mike it took about 20 minutes. Ran a day’s worth of errands to get minor furniture and house stuff. It’s ridiculous how expensive it is to move. You really have to start over. Stuff that you don’t even think about, like saran wrap and spatulas and garbage cans. You need everything. As I’m writing this five days later, I still haven’t gotten salt and pepper. Or saran wrap. Michael was a great sport and worked so hard, helping me get situated.

We had lunch at a Vietnamese/Thai restaurant that Michael had picked out, and the proprietors were a little Asian woman and her bleach-blond haired son. They were both so friendly and smiley, and halfway through the meal, the woman brought Michael a second can of soy milk, saying, “This one’s on me!” Michael was so excited about that gesture of generosity, he talked about it over the next few days. Michael’s such a sweet person; he seems to always be getting free stuff from people who recognize how special he is.

I put the furniture together while Michael watched. He told me I’m his hero because I’m able to handle things myself and don’t need other people’s help. That was very touching. I told him that I’m only able to take risks to become self-sufficient because of all the love and support I have from him and our parents. Without support from people who can anchor you, it’s hard to see how high you can fly.

Outside, dusk fell and the sky changed into the most beautiful contrasts of blues, grays and silvers. Last February (the 28th in fact…the anniversary of Leap Day), when I’d come to Seattle to recuperate from my year abroad, I’d told Rie that the sky here turns colors I don’t have the words to describe…I wish I knew the names for each tone and texture of color that the sky and water possess at dusk here. I wish I had a way of describing what my eyes and heart take in every time the sun sets. I can’t believe that I have this to look forward to every single day.

The radio station we were listening to mentioned that Weezer and Blink 182 would be playing in a concert the next day.

“Julia, Weezer’s playing tomorrow,” Michael said. “We should see if we can buy tickets.”

Weezer’s one of Michael’s favorite bands and he’s never been to one of their shows. I’ve been wanting to do something special for him because he’s been so nice to come with me and help me move, so I told him I would look for tickets.

Michael has been wanting to check out the bar I’d told everyone about, the place that will be my writing spot for my home away from home, so we headed there for dinner and to use the wifi to look for tickets.

It was a girl I didn’t know behind the bar, but as we were getting situated, Peter walked up. He was happy to see me and I introduced him to Michael as the only person I know in Seattle. Michael was happy to meet him and Peter said, “You’re a very happy person.” Michael has been all smiles all week.

We buy Weezer tickets online, and there’s an older guy sitting next to me who tells me to check out this band that’s going to be playing next month. The guy, Scott, asks me what brings me to Seattle, and I’m vague as I sometimes am with strangers, telling him “Who knows…” but that when I’m done accomplishing what I’m here to accomplish, I’m going back to California. He tells me that he wants to tell me the truth, that Seattle is a very unfriendly town, that people seem friendly but they don’t let anyone in. I tell him that this is exactly what I’m looking for–in LA, people are so co-dependent that they can’t believe someone would willingly be out and about alone, so when I’m out by myself, people can’t leave me alone. The thing I like about Seattle, is that I can go to crowded places, take everything in, and while people will appraoch, they aren’t aggressive if I’m not giving them eye contact.

As we’re leaving, he tells me, “Be good.” I say, “That’s funny…a lot of people have been saying that to me. ‘Be good.’ Do I seem like I wouldn’t be?”

He opens his mouth but doesn’t really say anything, then says, “I can’t really get into it with you right now.”

This confuses me, but I take it for what it’s worth.

“Hmmm,” I say. “No one can really see themselves. You can have a strong idea of who you are, but what you appear to other people, you can never know except as it’s reflected to you from what others perceive.”

He says, “You seem like you have more going on than the average person, more than one side. That’s why I say, ‘Be good.’ But I respect both.”

I remember what that woman had said, about how I’m appearing to be both sides of the moon simultaneously, and that is intriguing people.

“Thanks,” I say. He tells me that if I go to that concert next month, he’ll look for me and buy me a drink. “Sure,” I say, but we’ll see…

I’d bought a queen-sized air mattress because my bed won’t get here for another week or so, but it didn’t have a pump. I didn’t want Michael sleeping on the floor and hurt his back, so I ended up having to blow it up myself. It took an hour and I had to stop a few times when I got dizzy, but I have the lungs of a champ. I freakin’ inflated that thing!

No one ever gets to say I don’t love my brother.

We sleep with the door to the balcony open…the sounds of trains and the ocean lulling us to sleep.

My goal in Seattle is very simple:

Make every single day count.

Travis Barker drum solo at Endfest in Auburn, WA last night. I’m not a huge Blink fan, but this was mindblowing. Watch the end when he’s suspended above the stage and drumming while doing a 360 in the air.

If you want to destroy my sweater
Hold this thread as I walk away.

Weezer was incredible last night.

Get Ready…

After a lovely long weekend spending time with my family, and hanging out with Aubrey, Candice, Rie and baby Seigo, I’m off to Seattle with my newly acquired navigator, my big little brother, Michael, my favorite companion who’s requested to come along for the ride (and, “to take care of my sister,” as he told my parents). We’ll be stopping in Redding for the night to see the Sun Dial Bridge, then up to Portland to stay with Amber and Jason, and have dinner with TT (Terri) and her new man. Seattle arrival still scheduled for 09/09/09.

This is 10% luck
20% skill
15% concentrated power of will
5% pleasure
50% pain
And a 100% reason to remember the name

–Fort Minor, Remember the Name

Get ready, Seattle…

i think sometimes people love me not for me, but because they like the way i see them.

White People:

would you rather have a serious, solitary thinker to the outside world, but a playful childlike being faithful to you in private

or a playful childlike being to the outside world, and a serious, solitary thinker sharing secrets and discoveries in private

the world can seem so big
random chaos of incident and accident
no rhythm or reason
no changing seasons
no wizard behind a shiny curtain
just the occasional terror
some misconceptions
and on overcast days,
transparency.

then on nights when the moon is complete
flawless luminescence in an infinite sky
light becomes shadow and shadow is life
the world echoes proportions not yet imagined
and suddenly, in possibility
i can believe in a you
that out there, he can feel me
because under the same moon
i can feel you

Some existential humor. It really takes off when the dolls are in the box. My 3 favorite lines:

3. What is box happening?
2. I am fucking my hand!
1. Denzel Washington!

There’s No Such Thing as an Endless Party

Big day yesterday. Leaving Los Angeles. The first day of my Seattle chapter. Incidentally, a 22 day. It’s all starting off on a good foot.

I packed up my stuff and moved it to my car by myself, which took a lot of effort and time, but it felt good that I can be this self-sufficient.

There was minimal traffic…just open road and a beautiful blue sky. Good music. I teared up a bit as I left the Grapevine, the curvy mountain road that leads in and out of the LA basin. See you soon, old friend. I’m always leaving LA, but I always come back.

Brian hasn’t had much to say about the move. He just said that nothing I do surprises him anymore. I’ll be back, I said. Maybe, he said. He knows happy or not, I’m going to get a lot out of Seattle because I’ve been talking about it for years, longing for it even before I had ever visited it. Also, Brian doesn’t express very many emotions. Whenever he gets upset, he just gets detached and busy. Sometimes I wonder if he knows himself when he’s upset. He seemed very withdrawn, quiet and busy these days. When everyone was at our place before the Bowl party on Sunday, they were asking me about my lease in Seattle. I told them I’d signed a 1 year lease, even though I told Brian before I left I was going to sign a 3 month lease (it ended up the place I chose only had 13 or 14 month leases). Brian yelled from the other room that he thought I was only signing a 3 month lease. I told him the situation. Cindy asked him, “What are you going to do? How are you going to replace Julia’s personality?” He didn’t say anything, and was quiet for the rest of the night.

I don’t know. It’s hard to know with him because he doesn’t talk about anything, so for all I know, he’s just quiet because of work stuff, not this. I’ll be back though. My home in LA is always my home base, the peaceful refuge that recharges me and heals me. And I told him that if he finds someone he wants to live with, to just clear my stuff to the guest room and I’ll rent out my room.

I got to Fremont and headed over to the gym. Played basketball but my left knee’s been sore, so I was just okay. My dad asked, “What happened to getting shoulder surgery?”

“I decided going to Seattle is more interesting.”

My shoulder only pops out of I throw something or block shots with my right. Otherwise, it doesn’t bother me day-to-day, so I’m going to postpone it until a better time. The doctor said I should only get it if the tear is bothering me, and lately, it’s been pretty tight.

My grandmother was having a birthday dinner that night. She didn’t know I was coming to town, so it was a great surprise for her when I walked in. I wanted to be extra nice to her.

Bohr was there with his new girlfriend. I’d talked to him last month and he said he was dating a girl named Erin, so when I shook her hand, I said, “You must be Erin.” For a split second, I realized, if this wasn’t Erin but another girl (he’d been dating lots of girls in the last couple of months), this was about to get really disastrous. But then she said, “I am!” and that was a crisis averted.

I sat down next to my uncle Edward. Edison and Jonathan were next to him, and they were kind of hiding from me.

“I know two people at this table who haven’t said hi to me…,” I said. And they giggled, yelling, “We didn’t!”

As we’re eating, they keep yelling, “Julia Peeshi” and giggling. I laugh along with them, then I realize, wait…how do they know my official name?

“How do you know my name? How do you know my middle initial?” I asked.

Edison says, “I’m not telling!” and giggles.

“Julia Peeshi!” Jonathan yells.

“How do you know my whole name?” I ask Jonathan.

“I do’know!” he said with a wicked smile.

This is strange. Then for no apparent reason, I point at them accusingly and say, “Which one of you guys stole my ID?”

I really had no idea where that exclamation came from or why, but then their mom says, “Oh! They did steal your ID!”

Apparently, after the cruise to Alaska, they got a hold of my ID card from the boat (I’d been wondering where that went!). Jodie said in the following weeks, they would fight over who could hold the card, running around yelling, “Julia Peeshi!” (because the card had my middle initial). They would also chant their own variation of my name, “Julia Pee-gu Sh__” (Pee-gu is Chinese for “butt”) and crack themselves up.

The boys started giggling as their mom tells this story. “You guys are calling me names!” I roar, fake mad. They start yelling, “Julia Pee-gu Sh__!”

I told them I wanted the card back. Edison said he didn’t have it. Jonathan said he didn’t know where it is. I told them, “One of you has it!” They both shrug and smile like little lying demons. “Or did you lose it already?” Edison shrugs mysteriously and smirks.

I shake my head and turn to Bohr. “At what age do you men all become liars?” He flashes 2 fingers in the air. 2! It’s like as soon as they’re conscious. Seriously. I think male lying is innate.

My cousin Ching-Wen is there and I talk to her. She’s 24. She’s living at home again because her job fell through and I tell her she’s gotta get out of there. Nothing prevents you from figuring out who you are and finding your way as much as living at home. She said she has no job and no money right now, but we all know her dad has her tied up tight. Her dad is my mom’s brother (who has a rivalry with my dad), and he always tells his kids he’ll buy them X if they do what he says. Like Ching-Wen wanted to go to UC Irvine for college which is near LA and a party school, but he said he’d buy her a car if she went to UC Davis instead, which is in the middle of nowhere, closer to Fremont and for people going into the sciences. So of course, she went to Davis.

I asked her where her friends were and she said most of them were in Los Angeles. I told her she should go down there, room with a friend and check out the job market there. She said she would love to rent out my place. Right away my uncle raged. You are not going to live at Julia’s.

“But I want to,” she said. Then she looked at me. “See? How can I leave? He won’t let me.”

She told her dad she wants to live at my place with my roommate and her dad said, “If you want to live in LA, I will buy you a place but you have to live with your sister.”

She looked defeated. I don’t know if my uncle’s problem is with my roommate being gay or what (Brian’s a very responsible and mature person…there’s no reason to oppose him as a roommate unless it’s about sexual orientation), but Ching-Wen does not really get along with her younger sister, who lives in LA and goes to UCLA. In fact, not a lot of us do…she’s a bit hostile. I always try to say hi whenever I see her to be polite, but she’s always angry, projecting an idea where we’ve all been hostile to her first and that’s why she hates us (last Christmas, at our parents’ company party, I went to their table and said hi to her. She pretended she didn’t hear. So I waited until it was quiet and said hi again. She didn’t acknowledge me). Later, she told Jodie, “Did you hear the way Julia said hi?” She claimed I said it very spitefully, even though everyone heard me and knew that wasn’t the case. Jodie told me just to let it go. But bottom line, Ching Wen said that however her sister treats us, she treats her
even worse so she can’t live with her.

I told her it definitely wouldn’t be a great situation. It’s tough. My uncle is the tyrant king. A nice guy sometimes, loyal to family, but a bit misogynistic with a narrow, fixed mind. He and I have had some clashes growing up (my mom says it’s the result of his enmity towards my father, so he lumps me together with him), but now I just tell jokes a lot around him. The only one who trumps a tyrant king is the fool, who tells the truth when the king only hears nonsense. So he was getting pretty mad. He didn’t like that I was talking about my gay roommate so openly, and he didn’t like that I was encouraging his daughter to leave home and find herself, even though she needs to. She needs the maturity that comes from life experience. Her last few boyfriends have been older guys (mid 30’s) who date her and take care of her with money while treating her like arm candy. She’s worth more than that, but her father has to let her find her self worth instead of oppressing her with gifts and money. Of course, I don’t say this, just that it’s important for each person to find a place where they feel confident in themselves and can take care of themselves. But he was getting mad, and at one point Ching-Wen said across the table, “My dad’s mad.” I turned to him and ask, “Would you like to join our conversation? Any questions or comments?”

He shakes his head, annoyed.

“We would love to include you,” I said. “I think it’s important that we can have open discourse about all the things going on in our lives.”

My cousins are laughing, and so is Bohr’s dad, who’s pretty chill. I’m messing with him, but I’m doing it in such a friendly, innocent way. My uncle just ignores me.

At the end of dinner, I ask Bohr’s girlfriend, Erin, if this is the first time she’s meeting the family. She said it is.

“Oh no,” I said. “I wish I had known that. This is probably all a lot to take in.”

“It is,” she said. “But it’s okay. You guys are very interesting. You’re a happy family.”

“For the most part,” I said. “We’re all very tight, even though sometimes there’s always a chance of someone leaping up with angry yelling and pronounced finger pointing.” I nod towards my uncle with a smile.

“Keep pushing, Julia, and when someone stands up and yells, Sh__ Pei Hua!!… then you’re gonna be in trouble,” Bohr says. In Chinese culture, any time an elder says your full Chinese name with that “This Is Some Serious Shit!” tone, you’re in big trouble.

“Yeah?” I say with dismissive bravado. “Well, if someone says that, I’ll just say, I’m sorry, I don’t answer to that name anymore. The only name I answer to is Julia Pee-gu Sh__.”

Everyone laughs, including my uncle.

“That’s the funniest thing you’ve said in years,” he said.

That’s bullshit. I always make him laugh. It’s how I disarm him and run under his radar. That’s why he calls me crazy to make me harmless to him, when really he finds everything I stand for threatening to his need for control and order.

After dinner, they bring out cakes and we sing happy birthday. There are 3 small cakes (two of them ice cream) and my grandmother is having trouble blowing out candles. I’m 3 people away, but I sneak in a quick blow and take out the candles in 2 of the cakes from 3 feet away. Bohr, across the table, says, “Whoa!” Then he shakes his head. He’s always impressed with my candle-blow skills. I’m a Chi sniper. My energy field is surprisingly extensive.

The waitress brings out another dessert on the house, these little mochi dumplings filled with ground peanut paste. Then she starts singing Chinese Opera.

wtf? It was unexpected. Later, I asked Bohr if they had asked her to do that. He said she had offered, saying it was something she could do to honor my grandmother’s birthday. Oh, I said. I thought it was something that just came with the meal, and I thought, “This restaurant has very good service!”

After dinner, we were all standing outside in the parking lot of the restaurant talking. My uncle, as he drove out of the parking lot, rolled down his window and yelled, “Go home! There’s no such thing as an endless party!”

Michael ushered me to my car like a bodyguard, opening the door for me. I can always trust him to look out for me. At dinner, Edison had snuck up next to me, picked his nose, then went for my cellphone with his finger. I yelled, “Don’t touch my phone!” And Michael, sitting next to me, slams down his hand over my phone just in time to block Edison’s finger. “Don’t.” Michael says, matter-of-factly. Edison giggles, and Michael keeps his hand over my phone as he eats with the other one until Edison leaves. So protective, my big little brother.

We went home, and my dad was in his man cave smoking a cigar. I sat and talked to him for a while. Then I went outside to lay in the hammock and take pictures of the moon. My mom came out and danced by the moonlight. I took a great picture of it. Will post it later.

A beautiful, peaceful night.

1st leg of the journey completed!

left los angeles just before noon and arrived in fremont at 4:45, just in time to change, get to the gym to play 2 on 2 with my dad. didn’t get any speeding tickets. happy about that. max speed, 110 mph, just to see how it handled (the boundary of smooth).

was very happy today, radiating lots of light. write more later.

just pulled this blurb but can’t find the link:

—-World’s Best Places to Live

The London-based Economist Intelligence Unit’s (EIU) Liveability Ranking, conducted a worldwide search for the best places to live and visit. Looking at 40 different indicators arranged in five separate categories, including stability, healthcare, culture and environment, education and infrastructure, EIU published some interesting findings. With three cities in the top ten, Canada came out on top due to its low crime, little threat from terrorism and a highly developed infrastructure. The best ranked US cities were Cleveland and Pittsburgh, both ranking 26th in the World.

*Vancouver, Canada
*Melbourne, Australia
*Vienna, Austria
*Toronto, Canada
*Calgary, Canada

******

cleveland? the people who did this study have clearly never been to cleveland. vancouver does feel like easy living. i just heard a glowing review about australia. and about their food, which was…surprising to me.

Fremont made it on the map! Part of the conglomerate San Francisco-Oakland-Fremont representing the biggedy bay in the running for the country’s most stressful cities.

I can imagine coming in last would be the major cities of Hawaii.

the old guys at the gym asked me if i already have a job in seattle.

i need to get one, i tell them.

what did you used to do?

i was in sales and marketing, and then i had my own brand consulting company doing little side projects. but i’m interested in business development, anything with communications–

yeah, all you really need to do is open your mouth, the guy on the the left said.

i laughed. i’m a good talker, i said. i’m fairly articulate.

what’s been happening in our backyard:

i noticed the smoke in the taxi home from the airport. it looked like a volcano erupting. the fire is insane, spreading without wind. i’ve been feeling very sluggish. the air dries out my head. performance at gym has been uninspired. i don’t think i function optimally around heat. i’ve always been someone, who no matter how cold it is outside, likes the window open and one foot outside of my blanket.

shit. i’m feeling pretty difficult things coming in. i need help. i can feel questions i can’t answer coming in. i see a dark hallway with shadows, and all the shadows are women. we are learning what it means to lose. you try to give strength but can they take it? how do you maintain balance between your insides and theirs? how do you maintain balance between inner and outer worlds when you live in a world of backwards and forwards? why is time so dimensional? it’s so hard for me to understand a 2 dimensional understanding of time and place. that’s why when i get confused, i do shit like score in the other team’s basket, even though otherwise, i seem fairly intelligent. time and space are outward projections to me, infinite expansion, everything in existence existing in exactly one tiny, specific place. if you can understand that concept, you can create things. or at least that’s what seems to happen when i become focused on this perspective. but then an ounce of negative emotion hits (all you really need is just a small drop of poison to kill a human), my focus gets pulled into that tiny flash of pain and all i can see are really small things. and because my world is now so small, everything seems big and threatening. clearly, i don’t want this. this state doesn’t have to be permanent, but it’s hard to crawl out of.

i’ve been reading the happiness hypothesis. i thought i was going to like it. but then the guy becomes kind of a talking head. starts talking like a virgin talking about sex. and it made me feel that because i follow my intuition, and quantitative scientific results are often counter-intuitive, then because i’m one of those who still hold beliefs despite the research data means i’m a moron. but then i feel like, sometimes the exceptions to the rule make the new rules, which create the new exceptions. like 80/20. so to think that any point is static, any view of “what is” a destination, is still not the summit. and to straddle the line between opinions has no direction. maybe by the end of the book he ties it together. i’ll still finish it, but i’ve lost interest.

i’ve been threatening to disappear for a while now. because i need to have my own life, be able to go deep into my world without people manipulating me while i’m vulnerable. and for the most part, people are learning to understand and respect my boundaries. i always believed, the people who truly love me will know i always come back. but they have to let me go. i’ve chosen seattle because i can be amongst friendly people, but be alone.

one night in seattle, i saw the number 24 (for griffey jr) on a guy’s back and decided to see what would happen if i followed wherever that number wanted to lead me. he led me down alley after alley filled with restaurants and bars, and stopped at kell’s, also my favorite bar in san francisco. it was like having a piece of san francisco here, too. so i went in, found a table in the corner and watched this live band featuring a jovial (drunk) irish guy.

there was a period of time, when the band was on a break, and there was just crowd noise. i was close enough to the tables near me to hear their conversations, but i opened my ears, losing the individual words and listening to the noise as an entire river. i sat like that for a while, lost in the rushing of sound created by the vibration of nameless words.

on the way to the bathroom, noticed a 2nd room. went there and it was a dj playing hip hop. it was less crowded so i sat here.

first, the strangest thing happens to me sometimes. people froderize me. i can be in a room that’s pretty open, with no one behind me, and people will squeeze by me, rubbing themselves against me like they’re squeezing through, even though they have plenty of room to move. the time i started becoming really conscious of it was at a bar for a birthday party, this girl did it twice, on her way to one side of the room, then coming back. when i turned around, there was no one behind me. there was about 15 feet of space for her to cross. then i looked at her, like she was playing some joke on me, but she never looked over or acknowledged anything. since then, i notice it happens quite often, men and women. sometimes they’ll just touch my skin or pinch me. sometimes it’s a little more egregious. but i’m still trying to understand what it’s about.

so i was sitting on this stool against a bar, with about 6 feet of room between me and the tables in the back. the first girl crashed into me and i figured she was just drunk, but then she leaned against me and stroked the bare skin of my arm. i’m sitting there staring at her hand on my arm because i really don’t understand what’s going on. the guy next to her started giggling, and they ran out of the room. they seemed young, like a girl and her gay best friend, so maybe it was a joke.

then there was this girl, heavy make-up, cat-like eyes, looked like trouble for guys with any bit of sweet innocence left for her to shred.. i’d noticed her but never made eye contact with her. i just stayed in my world, listened to the music. the next thing i know, she’s squeezing by behind me, digging her breasts into my back. big hard fake ones. like pool balls. it was, unpleasant. boys…really? i don’t know how you deal with fake breasts. they’re weird feeling.

the move felt really aggressive, actually. it raised all the hair on my arms. but i didn’t turn to look, i didn’t move. just didn’t acknowledge it.

the last incident was this guy with an army fade who had been hovering. i’d glanced over and saw him making a tentative approach and i felt pins and needles in my right arm and leg. something about him made me feel hyper-vigilant. i didn’t acknowledge him at all. at some point, he’d gotten behind me and kept leaning into me, like he was being pushed into me. it was such a strange way of trying to get someone’s attention. he did it three or four times, each time a little more pronounced, so i casually just leaned forward to give him more “room” and he quickly moved away to the other side of the room.

this was a lot of weird unauthorized touching, but yet, no conversation. the only one who talked to me was this guy who will always look like someone’s goofy little brother. he had a half empty beer in each hand (or half full, doesn’t matter how you see it), and he wanted me to drink one of them. “which one do you want?” he asked. “whose beer is that? it’s half empty. i’m not drinking leftover beer.” i just don’t know him well enough. so he wants to play rock, paper, scissors with the loser drinking. i say, “fine.” we agreed upon “on 3” but i shoot and he doesn’t. he said “on 3” means “one two three shoot” and i said it’s “one two three,” shooting on 3. because what he was saying was technically “on 4.” so we played with the 4 count and i flashed scissors every time but one, winning 3-1. “dude, i flashed the same thing every time but one. how did you not catch that?” “don’t try to get into my head,” he said. (what?) he wanted to play again right away and i asked him, “what happened to the loser drinking?” he said we had to play for me to drink the other beer. i said he should drink the one that’s his before we start another game and he called me the sneakiest rock, paper, scissors player he’d ever met.

right. i told him, “whatever. i’m done playing with you.”

saw faust
o from the jazz club. he was with a slim, older brutha. if it were stanley jordan, i would go over and say hi. if it’s anyone else, i will not. i couldn’t tell. didn’t want fausto to see me.

slipped out, went home.

i like to be alone amongst people, or be with people alone. these are the moments within which i get the most.

Last night in LA. So surreal.

Had my last session with my basketball coach. He told me that he had me to thank…getting to know me and watching me decide to leave everything behind and follow my dreams made him realize that he wants to do what he can to get back with his ex-fiance. He’d called me the night before I left for Seattle, wanting to know my opinion about the girl he was dating. She was mad at him for not checking in more during the day, and even though she said she’s not needy, she said that her ex-boyfriends would always call her throughout the day to tell her they loved her, and she felt like he didn’t connect enough. I remember thinking, this girl is high-maintenance and not his girl. I remember also thinking, from the way he was talking, he knew the answer. But often we don’t like to accept the answers we already know. I remember saying at the end of the call, that if he was happy with the situation, then that’s what matters. But if he wasn’t, then he had to think about the cost-benefits. Is what he’s getting out worth the negative aspects of the relationship? Because all relationships have pros and cons. It’s a matter of where the balance is in the bigger picture.

So he came up and gave me a big hug today and told me that after talking to me, he realized that even when he was with the girl he was dating, he realized he was thinking about his ex-fiance (they’d broken up 6 years ago). And that he’d been thinking about her a lot lately. At the time they were engaged, he was pursuing a professional basketball career and she went to med school in Michigan, so he decided not to move out there. That was the beginning of the end. But now, he’s realized that he’s willing to pursue other dreams if it means he can have her in his life again. So watching me work on faith and decide to pick up my life and move to Seattle,he’s gathering himself to pick up his life and move to Phoenix where his ex is if she’s willing to give it another try.

I’m really happy. Who knows if it will work out. But at least he’s pursuing something he feels strongly to be truthful. I remember, early on, whenever he mentioned her, I would feel strongly that he was still in love with her. I called him out on it the session before I left last week, telling him pointblank that he was still in love with his ex-fiance and he told me to shut up. Maybe that’s why he called me that night to talk to me about the girl he’s dating (we’d never talked on the phone); maybe it wasn’t really problem-solving his current situation. It was him coming to a conscious realization he was still in love with his ex.

Regardless, I told him he has to invite me to his wedding, whether it’s with his ex-fiance, or another woman, I want to be there and give a speech. He said he would definitely have me there and would love for me to speak. In a way, I’m the patron saint for his new awakening.

I told him, you know…I’m an ordained minister. I’m authorized to perform weddings. He didn’t believe me. What church?, he asked me. The Universal Life Church of Modesto, I said. All you have to do is go to their website, fill out a form and print out a certificate. Anyone can get ordained! I did it as a joke like 10 years ago because I was shooting a spec commercial and my director of photography told me about it. His name was BJ, and we would call him Reverend BJ. It sounded like a porn name.

I challenged him to one-on-one at the end of the session. He didn’t want to, but I told him that I wanted to put everything he taught me into action. So we played and I started by scoring 4 in a row on him. Where did these moves come from?, he asked. My own specialty, I said. This is where my creativity comes to play…I’m a great improvisor. The way I play may not be fundamentally pretty, but I get the job done.

Other great things happened as well today. I had to buy a futon yesterday. I’ve always had a bed, but my place in Seattle’s a studio, so I decided to just get a futon and make it look like a living work space, because I don’t want to get too settled into thinking it’s a home. I’m there to work. But the guy who sold me the futon, kind of a frazzled, overweight guy with giant blue eyes, was very helpful. I’ve never owned a futon so he had to explain everything to me. As I was leaving, I shook his hand and really sincerely thanked him for being so helpful and told him he was a great salesperson. I really meant it. When I called him today to give him my shipping address, his voice lit up when I identified myself. I gave him the address and he told me he was really happy to have met me and that I’m an amazing person. That was a really, incredibly sweet thing to say. Just from buying a futon. I’m really believing in the paying it forward concept. It’s like the more truly happy and nicer I am, the more other people are affected by it, and when they are positive and kind towards me, it refuels me to be happy and nice towards more people. It’s a giant circle. And maybe they’re going out and spreading happiness and kindness as well!

My car was ready by late afternoon and I went to pick it up. The guys I’ve worked with were really happy to see me as well, all coming out to say goodbye. It’s like everyone who knows about me going to Seattle, this whole thing is inspiring them. Paul came out and gave me a big hug like we’d been friends for years. Keep in touch, he said. Let us know about all your adventures. Please come back and visit whenever you can, he said. I whisper, You may not be here! I tell him, good luck on your life journey as well.

I’m feeling that the fact I’m starting off on this journey with such a conviction of faith despite the purpose and end goal being unknown, this journey now matters to anyone who is close to me or meets me. I feel that the fact I’m embarking on it so suddenly but confidently gives people hope and inspiration, and that it means a lot to other people as well that I succeed.

It’s hope. That a person can set out into the unknown to make life what he or she wants to make of it. Because if one person can do it, it means anyone can do it.

I want to inspire people. I want people to look for the truth and beauty inside themselves, and realize that you can make the most of what you’re given, or you can make the most of what you can give. Maybe both mindsets lead you to the same place, but at least you trusted yourself and gave yourself a chance to find a place and outlook where you are an active star, not a passive bystander. The thing I always tell people, is that we’re more in control of our lives than we think. What matters, is what we believe. Knowing that the symbolism of my journey is important to those who know me, and those who have yet to meet me, gives me more motivation. More determination.

The only failure, is if I stop believing.

This is not an option.

i haven’t been wanting to say it, but i’m concerned about my maternal line. particularly my grandmother, in sept. can not pinpoint, but anything that happens with her affects my mother, so all i can feel is a concern for that maternal area of my world.

i saw the sept forecast. tough for everyone. hope everyone collected plenty of inspiration and good feelings in august to get them through the trials of september. keep your heads up…october should bring relief and possibly some surprises. please remember, mercury is retrograde for most of the month (9/7 – 9/29) so if you are a virgo or gemini in particular, don’t buy any appliances, electronics, etc. from 9/1 until 10/3, and do not sign any contracts if you can help it. be aware of mechanical/electronic malfunctions (back up your hard drive), miscommunications and delays. this is a good time to reflect about the last few months, however, where you are now, what has happened, where you plan to go. good luck.