Echo

I don’t like insects. I want to live in a space that’s hermatically sealed to prevent insects. In fact, it must prevent anything that could come in undetectedly and die. I don’t want to kill, accidentally or in defense of my space. And I ask that all living things try to respect boundaries, so it never comes down to having to kill.

One day the little girl drowned an ant just because she was alone and could. It struggled to the edges of the puddle of water, fought until it ran out of strength then died, looking suddenly deflated.

She never did it again, but the memory made her sad.

Every time she jumped into deep water, there was that moment of panic when she would realize she was the ant.

What I learned in my 2 1/2 years of freedom.

In the world where I come from, you can know me for years, but I won’t let you inside of me.

But in the world out here, I’ll instantly build a relationship with you with no roots that runs deep.

No wonder I need water.

I suddenly realized what kind of plant I would be. Described…

They grow out of the muck and towards the sun to produce awe-inspiring blossoms. The seeds from a lotus pod can remain viable for centuries. Even the tuber, when cut open, is the most beautiful shape and is…delicious.

Yeah, you heard it here first.

I was never meant to survive a whole life on dry land.

Water.

What I may or may not mistake for air.

What happens to people who keep their feelings an open secret?

Well, you know. What do you think happens?

My credit score’s in the 800’s now. I’m so responsible. All the haters who think I got everything handed to me in life, fuck you. I work for a living. My life is all about hard work, and continually pushing forward to the next level. What I have I earned. Stop crying and examine your own life, rather than being jealous of mine.

the question is, can the virgin love the whore?

personally? i don’t think so.

the whore resents the virgin.
the virgin rejects the whore.

doesn’t mean somewhere, they didn’t love each other.

Found in a document on my laptop titled “Amsterdam.Pain” :

When something happens to hurt a person’s trust, it’s always the secret idealist hiding behind the face of the cynic who suffers the most. You would never imagine it, the wave of explosive emotion and anguish when some privately treasured bit of hope is lost. But sometimes, because they love someone so strongly and want to believe so badly that they’ll force themselves to see the person the same way, even though the practice of it hurts their insides to the point that it threatens to bring them to their knees. Today I was walking, trying to keep my mind off of it but it was always there, like a film held on pause. Then I would imagine him, imagine this person who meant so much to me doing this thing that I couldn’t understand, a vision that twisted to the point of suffocation something so deep and rooted in me that I hadn’t even found a name for it yet. When the film would play, my legs would go weak.

there is nothing i want more than a place where i can just lay down and be honest.

I’m understanding it’s not just lovers who can break your heart. I guess I never really realized it before.

Example:

You tell someone how you feel.

“Why do you feel that way?”

“Because of [this], [that] and [the other].”

“You don’t need to justify your feelings. If that’s the way you feel, all you need to do is say so.”

See? Circular argument that backs a person trying to communicate into a corner. Communication is a tool for opening up the world, not closing it down. Inviting people to walk into a trap and then punishing them for it is more than anything, a reflection of how you feel.

I’m not going to struggle in no-win situations anymore. I’m not going to allow myself to be invited into being anything less than myself, because I respect myself and what I’m doing with my life. I appreciate people who care about me, and want to see me make the most of myself. I want to be there for the people I love, but if they punish me for their own feelings, I also can’t stand there and continue to take it. It’s not right if I did. It’s a matter of self-respect. You can love the people in your life, but if they are doing the utmost to push you away and don’t seem to want to or be able to stop, sometimes you just have to walk away. At least until they can treat the relationship more fairly.

The hardest thing is this:

Someone comes up and asks you a question. If it were just a question, no problem. But they are asking you a question with a judgment already in mind, so it’s actually a challenge and a provocation.

Basically, no matter how you answer the question, it doesn’t matter because they’re not actually asking a question, they are expressing judgment in rhetorical form.

And because of that and the fixed nature of where they’re coming from, any “answer” you have to their question, they will view it as you trying to justify whatever it is they don’t agree with, and they will take this “justification” as evidence that they are right, because anything that is “true” shouldn’t have to be justified.

It’s a no-win situation. They are basically putting you in a position where they are asking you to justify something, just to turn around and criticize the act of “justification.”

What’s frustrating is they never see how the person is not reacting defensively independently, but they have invited this person to feel defensive, and then they trap the person in a corner for feeling defensive. Why set people up like that? Nothing good comes out of it. What do you get out of trying to make someone feel insecure and small?

I’m going into Saturn conjunct my Libra Moon.

I’ve been wondering why all stir ups with Libra, and today really brought my attention to it. Emotional connections challenged. Think of it as coming from something bigger, and don’t take it personally. In every interaction with tension, I’m asking myself, how can I best react in an effort towards the most positive outcome?

It’s going to be a time of challenge for a while, but I’ve worked really hard and I think I can show how much I’ve grown by rising to the challenges.

It doesn’t even feel like, oh my vacation’s over. I feel like I’m switching over from one really hard job that had a lot of flexibility, to another job that will be a great, but interesting challenge.
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That’s it.

The writer’s path to success:

Have a vice that doesn’t kill you before you find your vision.
Have a life that doesn’t forget you before you find your story.
Have a god who doesn’t disappoint you before you find your glory.

And if you’re someone who’s in love with a writer,

You’re fucked.

Really hot day in Seattle today. Beautiful weather. Enhanced by the level of appreciation the people here have for good weather. That is really something.

I’m not ready to leave but I plan to come back. Really explore this place when I find someone who can teach me how to have fun.

Yes, I’m a fun person. No, I don’t know how to have fun.

But I enjoy my life despite that. Working for a living.

The key to being a writer.

-Live.
-Be aware of big moments and small.
-Remember things, not necessarily how they happened, but the way you want to remember them with at least one hand touching the truth.
-Get it all down. You don’t have to show everyone but you have to put it down for someone.

-Have a vice.

The writer’s path to success:

Have a vice that doesn’t kill you before you find your vision.
Have a life that doesn’t forget you before you find your story.
Have a god who doesn’t disappoint you before you find your glory.

And if you are someone who is in love with a writer,
You are in love with someone who loves their god more than they
can love any human.
It doesn’t mean they don’t love you as much as they can.
They just love something so much bigger, they can’t rest until they find
the words to know it.
To truly love someone like this, you will sacrifice.
But you will have lived with passion.

I’m only telling the truth.

I’m not even sure that’s a life I’m willing to subject someone to.

a good teacher leads people to the truth they already know.

I’m going to miss these sunsets over mountains and water most.

I kind of want to have a graduation party. I’m driving the small stuff down to CA this weekend, but I have to come back on a weekend in August to move the furniture. Just like I think of my birthday party as a gift back to all the people I care about to enjoy the night, have fun and feel appreciated, I kind of want to get together with the people I’ve met over my year of exile in Seattle and say something nice about each person. It’s the whole, why don’t we say the positive things we think about people? I usually try to say them anyway. But it would be nice to be able to do something fun and show appreciation.

But then sometimes I feel like I have these good intentions, but to actually carry them out seems a little gay. I’ll think about it. I have some time.

Final week of Seattle.

As I wrap up my this portion of my journey, I find myself reflecting on what I’ve learned here, the meaning of this cumulative experience.

I feel that in life, you can find goodness wherever you look, or badness. In part, it depends on what you expect to find, what you want to find. What you intend to hold on to and allow to “color” your reality. I’m sure I’ve had less-than-civil experiences, because life is not all of one thing or other, it is an amalgamation of all that exists. But I find that what I take away, are things that build my personal version of reality, one made of positive expansion and challenges that built me up stronger, so that I don’t think of my experience here in any way as being filled with negativity. What I remember are the good things, and the things that made me stronger.

I think that’s what Seattle gave me. An experience that showed me how to build personal perspective in a way that it can become an actual reality, because what is reality, but a complete visceral perception of what “is?” We have so much more control over our lives than we often give ourselves permission to believe. I can’t necessarily dictate what other people or the objective, collective world does, but I can control how I perceive it, my reactions to it, and where I position myself. Just like in basketball, I can’t dictate where the ball will fall, but I can put myself in the right position to get the rebound. Knowing this, it’s a matter of building things right, and not getting hung up so much on the result, as this is a continually evolving process that is changing my world within as it changes the world without.

Learn from the past, build for the future, but do all the necessary work in the present. Most importantly, enjoy every moment.