Echo

I live for late nights in the war room. Nothing makes me feel more focused and powerful. Nothing makes me feel more like a warrior queen.

Good luck tomorrow, team.

2009/2010 I was working on my timing.

2011 I’m working on force + vision.

Hard to maintain both. So much of it though, comes down to breathing.

She walks up and orders a vodka and grey goose.

When the bartender says it’s 12, her man says, “you better enjoy that drink cuz it’s your LAST drink.”

We’ve each taken collateral.

I want to get a bicycle.

So weird. My microphone for guitar hero is missing. My place is only so big and it’s always been on a shelf under the tv. Who would take it? And how? I can count on one hand the number of people who have been inside my place since after my housewarming.

I told Sarah today that I have no problem with him getting married, but if he left her for some other girl, I would fire him from my life.

Jerry’s been asking me if I got his save the date and I finally went home and checked. It’s a couples picture on a magnet. Cute as hell. January 14th, 2012. 11 day. Good date.

I ask him if I’m obligated to put it on my fridge. He said I can use it as a coaster. I put it up on the fridge. It sticks.

I want to be supportive.

People always want someone more innocent than them.

Lately there have been people who tell me all the ways people can find information on me on the web, and it kind of makes me laugh inside because the whole time people are putting my name into the search field, they never think to put it in the address. This is my best kept secret.

My best kept secrets are always hidden in plain sight.

He’ll need to know. One day, we’ll get too close, and like magnets colliding, we will know.

He knows how big my love is. And he gives back without saying it. I know it’s there from the gravity.

In life, we bear archtypes. I’m the other woman.

me and jerry

-You know how I told you i had 4 dreams in tahiti that ended up happening? I told you three of them. The fourth was about you.

-What was I doing?

-We were talking. But it was very real. In a stairwell. So real that when i woke up it felt like we really had met up in that world just to talk. And then when we went to lunch for matt’s bday, when we first sat down, there was a split second when you had this sudden glint in your eye, just a flash, i thought you knew about the dream, like you really had been there too, and that made me flash back to the dream like it was deja vu.

-Maybe it was real.

-Did you dream of talking to me?

-I did not. But maybe I knew.

Just found out people can hack into people’s laptop cameras and watch. Just depends on how much someone wants to watch you. I feel terrified for my entire 20’s.

I feel the pain of everyone…

Brian is moving to London for a job. He keeps telling me he’s gonna tell me some news but hasn’t yet. I found out from Colin. At least that means I’ve got a reason to visit London now.

My heart is still heavy. I can see both sides and I agree why it was justified. But on a human level I feel their pain and I feel sad losing any member of my team.

Closure

A little story about something that happened in Tahiti that makes me wonder if the universe wants us to have closure.

We were staying at the St. Regis in Bora Bora, like most places in that area, it was a resort accessible by boat with most guests staying in either bungalows set out above the water, or private villas against a rockier coast.

They would put out about 30 bicycles every morning around 6am, and they were first come first serve. We couldn’t reserve them the night before, and once the bike was taken off the rack, wherever you put them–outside the open-air restaurant, on the beach next to your things while you went swimming, it was basically an honor system that those bikes were yours until you returned them to the rack and thus, communal use. The woman who gave us our welcome tour recommended that we get there no later than 7:30-8am if we wanted bikes.

So every morning around 7am, we would get up, run the half mile from our bungalow to the bike rack to lay claim to bikes. It was always a free for all and like the woman said, by 8am, they were all claimed.

One day, our third to last day there, my mom and I had left our bikes by my  hammock and went to eat lunch. As I came out of the restaurant, I noticed my green bike was missing. I went running towards the hammock and saw a family nearby, and that the 12 year-old son had a green bike. I asked him if he’d gotten it from next to the hammock and he nodded, so I told him it was my bike which he gave up without a word. Just then, the father came back, saw me take his son’s bike and glaring at me, walked away and took another bike that was in front of the restaurant.

Now most people at the resort were honeymooning couples. And for whatever reason, I felt protective of them as, if one of their bikes is missing, both people probably can’t ride.

So I went up to the guy and told him that the bike he took belonged to someone in the restaurant. He said, “You can’t reserve bikes.”

I told him I knew this but we all get up early in the morning to get the bikes off the racks, and once we do, they belong to us until we return them to the rack per what the hotel had told us.

He again repeated, “You can’t reserve bikes.”

I told him the only bikes he could take are the ones on the rack, but if he takes another bike, someone is going to come back to find their bike gone.

He said, “I’m not going to have this discussion with you” and rode off. Which pissed me off so I blurted out, “You’re a thief!”

I’m sure it didn’t sit well with him. Hell, the conversation didn’t sit well with me. I was kind of pissed and embarrassed about why I have this urge to champion everything, and I was also anxious about having to run into him again. There’s no where to go when you’re at a hotel in Bora Bora. My mom was happy about my standing up for principles and said she guaranteed me it would bother him and he would ask what the policy is with the bikes and he would find out that I was right. But still it bothered me. I need to be careful of my need to be right, when I know I’m right. I know it’s going to get me in trouble. Nevertheless, I was furious at the guy for being a dick, and did think that French people have such a talent for being assholes.

So luckily, I didn’t run into that guy or his family again by the time we left two days later. We took a boat from the St. Regis to the airport in Bora Bora, then a propeller plane to Papeete where we would fly to LA. They gave us vouchers for the airline’s lounge because we were in business class. There had to have been hundreds of people at the airport as the propellers were bringing people in every half hour and we made our way through the crowd to the single elevator up to the 2nd floor to the lounge. There was no one waiting for the elevator and we hit the button, but the elevator never came. I told my brother we should take the stairs and I was 5 steps up the stairs when I noticed the elevator had a door in the back, so we came back downstairs and tried that button and that got the elevator moving.

We got in and as the door was closing, a family came running up to catch it. It wasn’t until we were all packed into the tiny elevator that I noticed it was the bike thief and his family. His wife noticed my moment of realization and she chuckled nervously.

We ended up being two of only about 4 groups in the lounge so it was pretty awkward. We made a big point of avoiding each other and acting like we didn’t notice, but it was kind of hard not to.

When they called our flight, I had to go to the bathroom but I noticed he was gone. There were only two bathrooms, and I knew my brother was in one of them. I thought, man, what are the chances, and the door opened up and he came out. We were face to face in a tiny hallway, and I couldn’t believe our interaction came down to this point, but I’d thought about it a lot during my time in the lounge, so I smiled at him and said hi like I didn’t care, and he smiled and said hi, kind of relieved, and that was that.

I thought about it on the plane ride back. If we hadn’t met again in a tiny elevator of all places, we would have gone back to our respective homes, gone back to our respective countries, thinking about that blight on our vacation, that unpleasant incident where some Asian American bitch called this guy a thief, and some French asshole stole a bike, and the incident would always hold this negative magnetism in our memory.

But now, it’s a funny little story about coincidence, and we were both clearly embarrassed about it and could have done without it. With that random encounter, and the fact that we had more or less made peace in that hallway outside the bathrooms, it became a non-issue, something we both silently agreed was not something we wanted to carry with us the way we could have. In a weird way, because of the way things turned out, I almost like the guy.

I find that I still meet people who want to challenge me by saying I read too much into things, blah blah blah, but I find these people uninspired and living two dimensional lives of judgment. There are too many coincidences in life to ignore the fact that there is something there. Even if it isn’t some greater omniscient sentient force. Even if it’s somehow human beings willing things into their lives like magnets. There’s something more at work sometimes than just sheer coincidence, randomness, chaos.

Sometimes, things align and you look at it and say, this makes sense. And you’re grateful.

I can’t talk about a lot of stuff in regards to work due to protecting the company and not chancing anything I say being used against the company. Then I have no one to talk to since my family is too closely involved and I lack non-work confidantes. The root issue is my lack of a group. Core friends.