Echo

I was reading about Venus in Cancer and came across this line:

If you’re constantly dragging them out of the house for exciting dates, they will think you don’t love them.

LOL. So true.

I’m so psychic. I gave the married engineer a week and half to reach out and he sent me an email today, exactly as I predicted.

Sometimes I think I suffer from raging paranoia but it’s not really paranoia if what you feared turns out to be true in hindsight. And my psychic antennae tends to be well-tuned with a history of picking up hidden truths.

I woke up at 5:40 am for the second day in a row. At least I got almost 6 hours of sleep but something is really bothering me.

Today my goal is to focus on work.

I really need someone who communicates consistently.

By the way, we had a marketing lunch last week and I walked in when half the team was seated so I had two choices–sit by one of the designers or sit by one of my teammates from the tournament.

I really like my teammate. Huge fan of his game–his hustle, his work ethic, his good attitude, his quiet confidence, his unselfishness. He’s a winner. I always say you can tell a lot about a man from how he plays basketball.

I admitted to my friend at work I really liked him as a person but he’s very young. Plus, he still lives at home. Plus, I’m his boss’s boss.

So I wanted to sit by him but I didn’t want to be obvious so I sat on the other side by the designer instead. As soon as I sat down, I saw the serving wheel turn and there was a cup of tea in front of me. I look up and saw my teammate had done it. Subtly considerate. He’s a good guy.

I kept catching him looking at me throughout lunch.

Lately he’s been messaging me a lot at night because we are in the same fantasy basketball league and had tried to pull a blockbuster trade the first week that got vetoed. Almost every night.

I told Shello this morning, I’ve got one guy who disappears periodically, and another who is consistent. Guess which one makes me feel better?

9 years younger or 10 years older? Well, it comes down to who you trust more.

You said it yourself. Persistence and consistency. You need it. You have low tolerance for the unknown and not knowing where you stand. It does NOT bring out the best in you. Add to that your simultaneous fear of and tendency to repeat the past.

Continue being a rock and an island?

Shit, J. How are you 34 years old and you can read people so well but not be able to figure them out? Why is the navigation so hard?

Okay, let’s break this down. 1st. You only got 2 hours of sleep last night. You can not be thinking or emoting straight. Historically you can not keep your thoughts and emotions from tangling when you are tired. Go to sleep.

2nd. Don’t go on tilt. Stay on your own foundation. On your own side. Stay within yourself and your strength. Breathe. Whatever happens, you have control over yourself and your life. You are okay and you will be okay. Don’t lose that trust.

3rd. You have not been eating enough. You’re anxious. You’re in a state of hypervigilance. You have to detach from the cause and focus on yourself. You’re being controlled from the outside. The inability to sleep and eat are signs. You don’t need to make any sudden drastic moves. But you do have to figure out what’s what and if it’s something that you want in your life.

Revisit this tomorrow. Let it lay tonight.

You got this. Next 3 weeks you’re going to be tested. You got this. Don’t lose sight of what’s important.

My optimism clashes with the truth of hindsight. 3 weeks of mercury retrograde. Maybe best to lay low? I can’t tell what is me (emotions) and what is psychic antennae. But that’s always been the problem, right?

It might not be…the right time.
I might not be…the right one.
But there’s something about us I want to say.
Cuz there’s something between us anyway.

I might not be…the right one.
It might not be…the right time.
But there’s something about us I’ve got to do.
Some kind of secret I will share with you.

Breakthrough. :)

Wait and see.

Woke up to the sound of my own voice in my head echoing, I think I’m finally ready to settle down.

The sword in the stone. I’ve been talking about it for a long time. The right person will not even know that the sword has previously been impossible to pull. For them it will be natural. But to me, it will be nothing short of a miracle…

*****

Last week I wrote that the problem with a person who is deceptively outgoing or aloof as a way to protect their internal shyness is that they won’t be able to draw in other people who are shy like themselves. It really did make me sad because someone who has the ability to see and understand the real, private you will have a hard time realizing you’re there through your smokescreen. But sometimes, a person will just naturally slip through or disable your defenses just because of who they are. It’s my sword in the stone theory. Arthur pulled the sword from the stone because he was the right person. A person will pull the thorn from your heart when he is the right person.

I can wait.

May 13th, 2008 | 1:40 am

I’m being a freakin’ crab. Two steps forward one step back. Well, still good to protect yourself while keeping your eyes open.

Trust is earned with me. It requires persistence and consistency. There is no one more loyal when I believe you’re on my side.

I am someone who is sure of myself. But I have a big heart and a deep well of feelings, and this makes me vulnerable. That is why I am so careful. I’m so protective of others but sometimes I find it hard to protect myself.

Relax. If a guy messes around it means he’s not good enough for you. Be yourself. You know who you are and what you’re worth. If a man doesn’t stand up, don’t lower yourself. Stand tall until you meet a man who stands tall next to you.

Being vulnerable is one thing. Pulling insecure crap and I’m gone.

I had a bad attitude on the court today. Just because I’m frustrated with the way a teammate plays doesn’t mean I diva out and quit. I need to find another way to keep my head in it.

I can never decide which end of the spectrum I prefer–a guy with a lot of experience with women, a guy with less experience with women. Both have their trade-offs, like being with someone older or younger. Considering I am capable of being jealous of a person’s past, maybe less, but considering I’m a sophisticated piece of female engineering and will not suffer fumbling gladly, that would explain why I’m single.